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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend cancelled to spend time with his mum

212 replies

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 12:34

Boyfriend lives with his parents (the save for a deposit) 5 min drive away, finishes work around 7-8pm usually.

I live alone with DS age 5.

Boyfriend popped over last night for a couple of hours, and said he'd come over again tonight.

Usually we'd get to spend two nights a week together, but we're both away this weekend.

He has now cancelled, as he is going to spend the night with his mum as she spent last night on her own. This is because boyfriend's dad is away for work this week.

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous reason? Maybe I'm insensitive.

OP posts:
PiggleToes · 18/09/2024 09:59

THisbackwithavengeance · 18/09/2024 05:26

If DH was away and my adult son offered to stay home to keep me company, I'd think he was out of his tiny mind and tell him to go about his life and be with his girlfriend whilst I watch my programmes with a glass of wine and some nice cheese in a lovely peaceful house.

He's taking the piss OP. Do you believe he's at home with his mum?

Maybe this particular mum and son enjoy spending time together 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Why does mumsnet think it’s so awful for adult men to enjoy quality time with their mothers?
Would we feel this way about daughters?
Why is quality time with friends accepted as important , but not quality time with family?

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 18/09/2024 08:53

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:03

I haven't held him back in any way.

He's had countless nights out, holidays with friends, all the usually stuff. He went travelling across Asia for six months.

Taking on a single parent has had no impact on how his early 20's have gone.

Show quote history

So he's living as a single man basically, at home with his mum, and sees you (for sex?) twice a week.

I don't think that's a good relationship
You can do much better, and set the bar higher.

Why are you settling for so little?

He's not invested in your relationship and that's clear.

Work on your self esteem and be ready for a better relationship later on. You're still just 24 and it's not necessary to 'have a man' .

Kelly51 · 18/09/2024 06:24

@ForGreyKoala
Mum is 55 and works full time, she's not a frail old lady

THisbackwithavengeance · 18/09/2024 05:26

If DH was away and my adult son offered to stay home to keep me company, I'd think he was out of his tiny mind and tell him to go about his life and be with his girlfriend whilst I watch my programmes with a glass of wine and some nice cheese in a lovely peaceful house.

He's taking the piss OP. Do you believe he's at home with his mum?

Dibbydoos · 18/09/2024 05:19

No it's not ridiculous that he cares for his mum enough to not leave her on her own two nights on the run.

I actually think it's quite sweet.

I know you're disappointed but wind your neck in @pinkerline

SwiftiesVSLestat · 18/09/2024 04:54

Do you not just think the relationship has run its course.

You have been together since you were 20. You don’t like the way he behaves and you don’t like that he cancelled plans for his mum.

They aren’t impressed you got pregnant and blamed you and don’t speak to you. It doesn’t sound like the relationship has legs tbh.

If you aren’t happy, end the relationship. You don’t have to be a relationship you aren’t happy in.

theresabluebirdinmyheart · 18/09/2024 04:50

Unless his mum is disabled or unwell in some way i find it absurd she can’t be alone for two nights in a row.

ForGreyKoala · 18/09/2024 04:46

Melodysmum12 · 17/09/2024 12:52

He lives with his parents but can’t leave his mum on her own?! Hmm red flag! I’d be offended and worry he’s under the thumb at home and she will always come before you!

Maybe she doesn't like being on her own. I have a friend in her 70s who simply cannot stay at home alone. It's hardly a red flag if he wants to spend a night with his mum, grow up!

He's OP's boyfriend, not her husband, why is she so much more important than his mum?

Normallynumb · 18/09/2024 01:37

After 4 years, you deserve much more than this
I think he's making excuses
Frankly, it all sounds too complicated especially when you have your DS

Harry12345 · 18/09/2024 00:11

TomatoSandwiches · 17/09/2024 13:03

I think it's reasonable to stay in with his mum if she's nervy about being alone teo nights in a row, but it sounds like maybe it comes at an opportune time for him to escape some tension between the pair of you at the same time?

I think it would be best to pick your battles here and leave him to it this week.

Depending on her age it’s very strange if a grown woman cannot be on her own for 2 evenings

dutysuite · 17/09/2024 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NewName24 · 17/09/2024 23:33

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 18:06

Are you 24 too- or younger/ older?

Honestly, I think you need to cut him free.

Taking on a single parent at 20 (him) is (IMO) not the best thing. He's got a lot of living to do .

If you've been together from when he was 20 and you already had a child then, he's not really got much dating /life experience.

You don't say you're saving 'together' for a home.

It sounds very casual and definitely not going anywhere.

I have to agree with this ^

and

You’ve been together for four years and still only see each other for a couple of hours twice a week. He really doesn’t sound very committed to the relationship.

Even putting aside the family's reaction to the pregnancy, (which I would have had to tackle with a partner at that time) it is clear that this "relationship" just doesn't have legs.

I can see that his family wouldn't be too keen on him dating an older woman with a child when he was just 20, and also not being thrilled about the pregnancy, so it would be quite interesting to hear a different perception of the relationship.

But, either way, you are clearly not on the same page, so let the relationship go.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2024 23:29

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:07

I have felt how many of the posters here do.

That to him it's just a FWB, he's not that interested etc.

I have tried to tell him that's more than ok, but he is insistent he wants a future with me. He's the one pushing for marriage, children etc.

You do have a choice in all this. You do realise this, correct?

Stop being a passenger in your own life. Get rid of the mummy's boy.

Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 23:28

We're the same age

OP posts:
JHound · 17/09/2024 22:58

pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:07

I have felt how many of the posters here do.

That to him it's just a FWB, he's not that interested etc.

I have tried to tell him that's more than ok, but he is insistent he wants a future with me. He's the one pushing for marriage, children etc.

Why don’t you just use your agency instead of letting him drive when he appears so uninterested. Just move on. Are you a lot older than him?

ThorndonCream · 17/09/2024 21:28

I think you should look at what a man does rather than what he says. He says he wants marriage and children but seems to pop round twice a week for sex after 4 years. He is seemingly not bothered by the fact his family, whom he lives with, has blocked you after an unplanned pregnancy due to contraceptive failure two years ago.

I get that he is young but so presumably are you. I still don't quite see how this is meant to progress. He hardly sees you and his family, at best, don't like you.

Doubter2 · 17/09/2024 21:11

I'd be miffed too...he's cancelling (and leaving you on your own) at short notice so his mother doesn't have to watch a film at home on her own? Not a great excuse.

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2024 21:11

Boltonb · 17/09/2024 14:55

Maybe he fancied finishing work and going home to relax? His mum might be an excuse, and he might not have fancied a night with someone else’s child?

Jeez they've been together 4 years. 'Someone else's child' wtf?

Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:07

I have felt how many of the posters here do.

That to him it's just a FWB, he's not that interested etc.

I have tried to tell him that's more than ok, but he is insistent he wants a future with me. He's the one pushing for marriage, children etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:05

Completelyjo · 17/09/2024 20:35

Bit dramatic to be this annoyed at him wanting to stay home for a night.

Maybe the family don’t like you because you come across as controlling?

I'm the opposite of controlling.

I also haven't told him I'm disappointed that he has cancelled. I told him it was fine.

His family don't like me because I had the audacity to get (very accidentally) pregnant, whilst on the copper coil.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:03

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 18:06

Are you 24 too- or younger/ older?

Honestly, I think you need to cut him free.

Taking on a single parent at 20 (him) is (IMO) not the best thing. He's got a lot of living to do .

If you've been together from when he was 20 and you already had a child then, he's not really got much dating /life experience.

You don't say you're saving 'together' for a home.

It sounds very casual and definitely not going anywhere.

I haven't held him back in any way.

He's had countless nights out, holidays with friends, all the usually stuff. He went travelling across Asia for six months.

Taking on a single parent has had no impact on how his early 20's have gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkerline · 17/09/2024 21:00

JFDIYOLO · 17/09/2024 15:52

Please would you put into context - what's the monumental dickishness about? It's just enough of a drip feed to stop me giving an opinion on what you've said.

I have already posted about it more than once before, people will be sick of hearing about it.

That's why I didn't put it in the OP.

OP posts:
MoveItOnUp · 17/09/2024 20:42

I was thinking she must be a little old lady who is perhaps bed bound and never gets out to see people!!!!!

But she's 55 and goes out to work.

As someone whose husband is verging on being a mummy's boy ... be careful!!!

Completelyjo · 17/09/2024 20:35

Bit dramatic to be this annoyed at him wanting to stay home for a night.

Maybe the family don’t like you because you come across as controlling?

BirthdayRainbow · 17/09/2024 20:29

MakeMineaDigestivePlease · 17/09/2024 14:07

She's 55 and works full time. Not 95 and on her own.

Wise up.

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Rude.

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