To make a new male dad friend

"You could have always said to the guy that your husband would prefer if he met him, if he was fine with that he probably isn't looking for anyone else and it would have put your husbands mind at ease"

Suggestions like these? Meet him will put his mind at ease? Why - he's an ugly fucker? Or he's handsome? Or he's cantankerous? Come on , where in real life does this happen? Only on MN.

" Darling this is my new gorgeous looking colleague at work. I will be spending work trips away with her but I want you to meet her to put your mind at ease" 🙄

God i wouldn't have even thought to ask my husband about this
He sometimes takes the kids places by himself.. is he supposed to not chat to or arrange meet ups with women for the kids?? That would be impossible
Honestly these 'no friends of the opposite gender' people are odd
Hopefully the counsellor tells your husband he's being a controlling fruit loop

@Ivehearditbothways "If your marriage can’t survive you taking your child out to play with another child just because it’s a dad and not a mum then you shouldn’t be married. Absolutely ridiculous"

I absolutely agree with this. The marriage isn't worth saving.

@Ivehearditbothways you are naive if you think these situations cannot lead to difficulties.

This is a good point.

I don't think there's anything wrong with children meeting for a play date, but it sounds like there's more going on in your relationship so more factors to consider than others might have. Meeting up literally whilst he's in counselling is crazy let's be real.

I've got loads of male friends and my DH is fine with that.
But your marriage is in a vulnerable place and this is a distraction from the focus of the counselling which should be about your issues as a couple before any external factors complicate perceptions.
Your DH is right to feel vulnerable because this is not a good time for a shiny new man to appear on the scene.
I'm all for platonic friendships but if your bond is not as strong as it has been in the past you can be vulnerable to making unfavorable comparisons even if that's not your intention.

Bad timing, you should show him he's your priority and you're listening if you want to give this counselling a chance. This is not helping.

Have the children play together in a way that doesn't involve you and this guy being a duo. Group play etc

“Meeting regularly with a man in this way”

What way? You mean in front of their children on a play date? I didn’t realise that was so scandalous.

I think it's fine. You are giving too much weight to your husbands feelings and ignoring yours and your daughters.

If he didn't like it he could have been honest straight away, rather than hiding how he felt without jokes and then getting angry. There is no need for anger as you haven't done anything wrong.

You could have always said to the guy that your husband would prefer if he met him, if he was fine with that he probably isn't looking for anyone else and it would have put your husbands mind at ease

I have always had male friends but for various reasons am not close to any at the moment, so perhaps part of me misses this. I don’t know if this man would become a friend (100% I don’t want any more than that), but I was looking forward to the opportunity to pass the time with another person I seemed to get on ok with.

Interesting how the children are not the focus of the meet up here, for you it's about the man. I guess that's been picked up by your DH?

Absolutely no way would I be ok with my husband meeting up with another woman in any circumstances. And that would be the reason I wouldn't start up a friendship with a man.

Why do you think single mums are after your husband? What is it about is that screams out that we want some man who has a wife and kids who go to our own child’s school/clubs? Like that’s what’s we want.

This.
Are any of the various reasons you're not currently close with your male friends relevant (eg. They wanted more) or is it more just life circumstances?

I find the jokes about your new 'boyfriend' quite icky! I've always had a mix of male and female friends, DP is the same, and I hate it when people sexualise normal friendships. Even weirder for your partner to do it, it would make me feel like he only views women as potential sexual conquests and assumes all men feel the same

At my kids school there were several dads who did the majority of the childcare and who I would inevitably have to have contact with in order to arrange play dates. How is the dad supposed to support his child’s friendships if the mums are not allowed to meet up with him and his daughter? At least one of those dads was divorced. It seems as a society we want men to take more responsibility for the kids and their activities but when they do, we get all weird and suspicious about it (not you OP, obviously).

In theory Yanbu to form a friendship with another parent who happens to be male.

But I really suspect that if you were posting that your husband met a single female parent at swimming, then hung out in the cafe with them and was now texting to meet up with them and pursuing a friendship, most people would support you not being comfortable with the situation
Many would be telling you he is already pursing her, you only know the tip of the iceberg etc.

If he isn’t usually like this and isn’t controlling at all, I would be inclined to listen to him and not strike up a friendship that makes him uncomfortable.

Basically it depends on how committed you are to your marriage and its future. You are technically opening up a window into your marriage by meeting regularly with a man in this way. If you are currently having difficulty then why would you do this for some random you barely know?

Ask yourself why you want to do this? Is it really for your daughter? Is it bringing a little bit of fun into your life?

The above is how Shirley Glass would explain it. There is some truth in this. I think that you do understand that this might not be a good idea by the way you have been bringing this up with your husband. It's almost like hiding in plain sight and you have barely started.

I'm on the fence here. Your partner clearly feels threatened and pissed that you'd be meeting up with a man while he was having a councelling session but what a sad state of affairs that it's frowned upon for two parents to meet up for the sake of their children, just because they were the opposite sex.
Could you invite the man and his daughter to yours for a play date so that your partner can meet him?

Seriously? You’d see a play date as a betrayal just because the other child’s mum turned up?

This is tricky because on the whole i think YANBU to form a friendship with another male parent. However, if i was embarking on couples counselling I would have parked this so i could focus energies on that and not throw in any distractions to the business of sorting out my relationship. By distractions I mean anything that could disrupt which isbexactly what has happened. Arguably your DH is behaving badly, but I also think you could have avoided this at this particular time in your marriage.

i think part of the problem is dh right now feels like the relationship is threatened by this unknown man. he might feel better once he meets him and asses him as a none threatening.

if my dh all of the sudden started spending time with another woman i might feel on edge and uncomfortable until i got to know her etc and realised she is not a threat to my marriage. i would feel especially nervous if our relationship was at a rough patch and had to go to couples therapy and would see him meeting at the time i am working hard on our relationship as a betrayal

The weird part of this is you asking your husband whether it was ok for you to meet a parent for a play date — not even just once, but ‘several times’! You say you have other male friends. Surely your mind doesn’t leap straight to ‘Here are two opposite-sex people who could technically have sex!’

I’d be “very angry “ that you’ve taken the trouble to explain to your DH and several times checked with him, but he did nothing but make jokes and then burst out with anger, without first discussing and saying how he felt. That’s the lack of communication that needs couples counselling.

You're saying this will lead somewhere then, I think. But actually the two adults are not even friends yet, just parents of two girls who get on well.
OP, couples counselling is the ideal place to explore this. You'll find out what you both think, and why, in a safe place.
Or you could invite them both over when DH is home, for the first time at least.

If your marriage can’t survive you taking your child out to play with another child just because it’s a dad and not a mum then you shouldn’t be married. Absolutely ridiculous.

I’m a single mum and I’ve had this shit for years. Half the mums at school think you must be after their husbands so you can’t possibly take your sons to a play date if the other kid’s dad is hosting. It’s one thing getting this crap from other women over their (middle aged unattractive all 10 years older than me) husbands but you’re married… and your husband doesn’t trust you. What’s the point in him?

On the face of it, there's no reason you shouldn't go.

However as your DH is literally going to couples therapy at the same time you're out meeting a strange man (regardless of the reason why), the optics are really not great. I wouldn't do it in your specific circumstances