Am at a loss to how to deal with 13 yo stealing

How long has she had a smart phone?

You've said finance is an issue for not getting a lock on DD1s door, that's just an excuse. If your DD2 is stealing money and has pocket money to afford crystals, you can afford a lock for DD1. Get a bolt and padlock if you can't get a proper lock.

Sounds like you have a DH problem too, how does he treat DD2? How long has he been working away for long periods?

Who's more important - your 13 year old or your husband?

Your child is desperately unhappy - it's crystal clear from her actions. Please don't let her down by picking her dad over her.

Did she get a phone at 11? That's when all this got worse?

Your DH being opposed to counselling is likely indicative of his general personality & attitude. Is he an aggressive person?

The combination of the above is likely why she's so unhappy. Put her first.

OP you definitely need a lock on your older childs bedroom, and obviously both you and older child would have keys, so there's absolutely zero issues about you being able to access the room whenever you want. It's only your younger DD that won't have free access to her sisters room.

Both DD's need to feel 'listened to' AND 'valued', and allowing one DD to freely take things that don't belong to them is 100% disrespectful and unacceptable.
How would YOU feel if your boss 'allowed' (by not stopping) another colleague to take YOUR possessions from your locker, with zero consequences simply because they would 'make a scene' if confronted? You'd feel that they were 'favouring' the colleague and disrespecting YOU, wouldn't you? Well that's exactly how your 16yr old feels !

So this crap about not being 'able' to take her phone away? YOU are the adult who pays for it, gives her 'pocket money', buys her nice clothes/perfumes/gadgets etc! It's completely under YOUR control ffs, NOT hers ! And if she does 'break stuff'? Then you use her own money to replace/fix what she destroyed ! But YOU have to stand up to her ffs and SHOW her that she's NOT the damn 'boss' of the whole family ! (If you don't, she'll simply accept that all she needs to do is to scream, shout and smash stuff to get her own way !

You also need to allocate time for BOTH DD's on a one to one basis, as well as 'family' time all together too.

She is obviously struggling with the changes puberty brings, and needs to feel valued as an individual AND as a member of a 'family' to help her find her 'place' as an individual.

But NOT at the expense of either you or your 16yr old.

yes you can! Are you her mother or not? Are you in charge or not? You need to toughen up and do some hard parenting. It will be long and hard but you need to be clear who’s in charge - you. You sound like a victim in your post. Parent with love. Show love and understanding for her but do not tolerate that behaviour. She wants to scream the house down. Let her. She’ll stop when she realises you won’t budge.

she needs you. She needs your love, care and support. She’s obviously going through something maybe at school. But she also needs you to set boundaries. Carry on as you are and she’ll take this behaviour into adulthood. She’s relying on you to steer her the right path and be her moral compass so she grows up to be a well-behaved adult with a good job and happy relationships.

shes hurting but she needs you to be the grown up, not overwhelmed and weak.

She is literally screaming for help and attention @applebananagraphs please do something! With all due respect…FUCK your husbands opinion on counselling! If you don’t try it you’ll never know! How often does he work away? What else happened at age 11 that started this??

What would you like to happen because every single suggestion you’ve had, there is an excuse not to do it.

My sister used to steal everything so we all had to install locks on our doors.

Google Dr Becky Kennedy. I've listened to her interview on the Huberman Lab podcast and I found her approach really interesting.

You have a key obviously, or a key pad.

You need to resolve this, it is unfair to both the kids to just allow it to continue.

Your idea of good parenting looks to me very much like weak and ineffective parenting. Up to the OP I suppose, to judge whether she should go your route, or be more decisive.

Parenting begins with showing who the parent actually is. It doesn’t seem to be the dad…

This is really worrying from your DH. This attitude presumably manifests in other ways and might be part of the reason your DD is unhappy.

Do they share a bedroom?
If not get your DD1 a lock for her bedroom.
And do the same for yours.

Could you not use a keypad style lock that you and dd1 have the code for?

What she like at school? If you involve them they could refer you as a family to Early Help. They sit somewhere between CAMHS and social services and were absolutely brilliant at helping us with a very troubled, though non violent teen. You may be able to get to them yourself via the single point of access for CAMHS.. Google it for your area. As for the phone. Natural consequences. You are using the money it costs every month to replace the items she took so there's no service for X months. Alternatively, you take it when she's asleep, install a parenting control app like Google family or whatever the apple equivalent is and enforce limits without the need for physical interaction. You just lock it from your phone. I also think you need to get your DH inside here. She needs a united front.

You’re going to have to address this now urgently. You need to talk to her calmly and say what needs to stop. She gets to explain why she’s doing it , and there might be a reason that you can address. If the behaviour does not improve, the phone contract will end. If she gets violent, the police must be called. No one should hold the house to ransom in this way.

What you’re describing sounds like a response to some sense of unfairness about who has what - even though you say she has what her older sister in terms of goods.

As your DH is often away and has little engagement with her - he gets little say. Stop deferring to him. You need to take charge now.

I know a family where something similar was going on but between boys. The parents did little. It only ended when violence erupted - when the 16 year old punched the 14 year old. Not great.

Don't assume they would arrest her.

Violence has consequences. If this behaviour gets worse without being addressed, the police may well end up involved beyond OPs control. The police can help signpost to appropriate services and referrals.

What?? She is expressing it by not listening, being aggressive, being angry.

I agree she needs support.

Using other people's things is quite common in teens, so don't overreact to the behaviour but try to find out what is underneath. It is not acceptable, but neither is it a sign of lifelong delinquency.

Get a lock for the 16yo's door until things improve.

Do you do anything nice together? What are her strengths?

Figurative hurt, is still hurtful. You are still advising actions that will further alienate DD13 from her mum. That is the opposite of what is needed to repair the break.