Am at a loss to how to deal with 13 yo stealing

If your DH is away nine months of the year then, frankly, he doesn't get a say in whether you buy locks for the doors or look up counselling - he's basically an absent parent.

I also think you're greatly underestimating the impact an absent father is having on your daughters - of course your 13yo isn't close to her dad, he's never bloody there. Are you really not putting two and two together?

The fact that your 16yo seems fine is totally irrelevant btw - all children are different and cope differently with their parents not being around.

Teenage behaviour is not all to do with neurodiversity. It is normal teenagehood to have a brain with messed up wiring.

Smart phones cause ADHD like behaviour too.
It is more and more recognised that they are causing problems in all sorts of ways for children.

Love and clear boundaries, including about the telephone, matter a lot.

Grounding is nothing because she rarely goes out with friends, and its impossible to remove her phone.

She is really rude, like insulting and hurling personal attacks at her 16yo sister and me.

Every night when we have dinner I get called a useless cook and she criticises everything I cook and refuses to finish her food.

She uses dd1's perfume without permission and she messes with her stuff.

I strongly suspect she has stolen my money before

she definitely steals my skin care and make up from my wardrobe.

If I take her phone She would scream, punch the walls, and would cause destruction to my property and it would end in physical fight

With the exception of the last comment, which I would certainly look into, I am looking at a rude and thoughtless teenager. (Surprise!) Maybe you had an easy run with the eldest.
I am not condoning her rude behaviour, but you are dramatising this. She is 13, 'stealing your make up', for heavens sake. You are a big part of the problem.

Wow. Maybe time for you to be a parent then?

@BarbedButterfly cross posted, but absolutley you're on the money.

There is an issue that you're left to parent your children alone for 9 months of the year but do not feel that you have the right or the wherewithall to purchase a lock for a bedroom door, or access counselling for one of your children, who is very clearly struggling massively, because your DH won't like it.

That is clearly a parental dynamic with issues, please do not presume that it is not obvious or affecting your children. It's clear for me to see from here that something is askew. You need to get help for your daughter, this is not normal and should not be left to continue, she needs support that she is not getting from her parents. If you can't work this out for her, you need to find someone who can.

I don't like the sound of your DH and I think you are ignoring the bigger picture here. You are both her parents so if counselling would help you should get equal say whether you are a stay at home mum or not. You should also have equal access to money and the ability to spend it as you wish within reason.

You have a cold DH who doesn't care about things and who you are afraid to disagree with or spend money without his say so.

I acted out around this age because I was desperately unhappy. She needs someone to talk to. You also need to invest in quality time together but I am guessing your DH also won't fund that.

We have been in your situation, OP. And even though the worst is over, I never let my eyes off the ball.
In a nutshell, DD was diagnosed with ADHD--Inattentive kind. She started stealing at home and it was addressed with all kinds of repercussions as some have suggested here. I can tell you that none will work. They may work short time but they won't in the long run.
Read up on ADDitude magazine about stealing and ADHD. The problem stems from lack of impulse control. So, consequences, no matter how severe, are not going to make a dent.
Practical advice from the trenches remove all temptation. I keep everything under lock and key. I know when she is in the kitchen and ask what she wants. I know where my child is all the time. This is exhausting and it also makes you look like the Stasi to the outside world but you just have to do that. Alternatively, you could consult a psychologist (online if your DH is opposed) and ask for solutions. I found research online and devoted hours to this topic especially when the stealing reached school. And it will if left unchecked.
The neurodiverse child always thinks they can get away with it despite having experience with consequences. It is not that they are forgetful although that is a common symptom of ADHD. It is just that the impulse is far greater.
Secondly, start looking for resources on how to teach her to curb her impulses--verbal or otherwise. Criticism of dinner means no dinner. That will not phase her on day 1-3 but come day 7, she will start regretting it. Then, go in for the kill. Go and speak to her in her private space (her room) and let her know that she is hurting you with her words. Tell her you love her and are always there for her but speaking cruel words has consequences. She might want to apologize but give her time. Hugs and kisses (if allowed) and repeat the process.
Warning: This won't be solved overnight. We are 4 years in with this behavior and there are huge improvements in stealing but you have to sleep with one eye open--literally.
Wish you the strength and fortitude as you go through this.

And a non negotiable bed time, especially on school nights,

I honestly don’t think you need to go for counselling/CAHMS etc until you have tried the basics. If they fail, then, of course, you need to do something differently.

Two things leap out at me: unsupervised screen time and lack of meaningful consequences for her actions. I would also ask what happens to her phone overnight and what her sleep is like. If she is on screens until the early hours and not sleeping much, that will clearly exacerbate her behaviour.

As I said upthread, install a screen time option and limit her to two hours a day (maximum) on weekdays and maybe a bit more on weekends (although maybe start with 2 and let her earn two back). Vitally, take the screen at night and put it on charge in a different room.

Make her pay for what she has stolen with chores. Again, these don’t need to be huge or horrible, but they need to exist. Laying the table, helping you cook and clean come to mind. That way they also provide a calm place for you to bond and discuss things,

I would also work with the school here. A good form teacher or pastoral head can be really useful. If they have a good relationship with your daughter and she respects them, a chat with them can make a big difference. Always tell her you are doing this. No need for secrets around it.

And of course, look for things to praise. When she does something good, praise her and explain why. Positive reinforcement really works well. Sometimes it takes a difficult while until this happens but, when it does, it can create a virtuous circle.

She's pushing boundaries which is typical of that age. You do have to pick your battles though alongside putting down non negotiable ground rules (keep them simple) - we speak to people with respect in this house (and model it) and we do not take/use other people's stuff without asking. If you do these things here are the consequences (put screen time limits on her phone). And stick to it.

Her father is absent and she feels she can push you around and do what she wants. She knows you're frightened of her. Has her dh spoken to her? My dd13 has a healthy fear of her dad. He just needs to put on a stern voice and say 'do not speak to my wife like that etc' and she immediately adjusts her behaviour. The fact that your older dd doesn't seem affected by her absent father is irrelevant. Everyone is different.

What's she like in school?

Stealing can be about trying to fill a feeling of emptiness and anxiety by obtaining something; it can be a stand in for a share of love; or it can be to try to have something (non physical) the person you are stealing from has; it can be to show anger to the person you are stealing from.

(You have not mentioned shoplifting.)

It definitely sounds as though your DD needs counselling, help and love.

Please do not take this as meant in an unkind way but you said,

she definitely steals my skin care and make up from my wardrobe

To me it is unbelievable that you call a thirteen year old girl doing this stealing.

It must be one of the most common, normal, age-typical things a young teenage girl could do!

It makes me wonder how you are perceiving her. It seems to be that you have decided she is bad.

Your DD needs help. I don't think this is within the range of "normal" teenage behaviour (whatever that is!). Start the ball rolling with GP/CAHMS as the waiting list is very long. Look into whether there might be neurodiversity there. DS2 was very oppositional and explosive and now has an ADHD diagnosis as an adult. Talk to the school about your concerns and find out whether they have seen any issues (DS2 was way less oppositional at school though - they never expressed any concerns).

Get a lock for your DD1's bedroom. Saying you "need access" is no excuse. She needs to feel that her stuff is safe and you're not helping. This isn't normal sisterly "borrowing"

Your DD2 is struggling with something. Don't just focus on the "symptoms" and ignore the root cause.

Can you disconnect the contract? So she only has PAYGO? Then she has to find the .iney to pay her own phone bills if she kicks off?

You are the adult and in charge. The phone needs removing until she can behave and treat the household with respect.
If she smashes up your house you call the police.
My sd was similar ( although she didn't smash things up but she did break our things sneakily) in that she stole and was addicted to her phone. She hates our house as we made her have phone free time and stuck to it whereas at mums it was available all the time. She was being groomed and this led to the poor behaviour as they were isolating her from us by telling her we were awful so they could continue with what they were doing.
Take the phone, go through every app and history browser and spend some one on one time with her. Until the cycle breaks it will continue and as the adult you are the one who will have to lead this as difficult as it sounds.
It probably isn't as awful as our situation but there clearly something heavy that's going on to make her so angry and withdrawn

I’m imagining that is adding to the problem!!!

Or maybe small scale. A lock box that other daughter can put stuff in that only she had the key for.

You are the adult and in charge. The phone needs removing until she can behave treat the household with respect.
If she smashes up your house you call the police.
My sd was similar ( although she didn't smash things up) in that she stole and was addicted to her phone. She hates our house as we made her have phone free time and stuck to it whereas at mums it was available all the time. She was being groomed and this led to the poor behaviour as they were isolating her from us by telling her we were awful.
Take the phone and spend some one on one time

It’s the phone, it’s the phone, it’s the phone all day long. Started acting out at 11? When did she get the phone? (bet it was 11). What's she watching? Do you check it!?

You TAKE the phone - get husband on board. She will be absolutely awful for several days before she simmers down. Do not relent, no matter the level of tantrum. Start setting boundaries - you are the parents, this is not good for her mental health.

The “stealing” - not really an issue, teens do use siblings/mum’s beauty products. It’s annoying but not stealing.

This was my DD2 at the same age. When she turned 18 (about 10 years ago) she was diagnosed with ADHD. It made a huge amount of sense, especially the impulsiveness.
In any event she improved a lot at 17 when she left school.

how often is your husband away @applebananagraphs?

Most children don’t want to be behaving badly, and they rarely enjoy it.

They are trying to communicate something, sometimes subconsciously. She is struggling somehow and needs support. She is trying to find a way to meet an unmet need in herself.

More boundaries are needed but that can be done firmly while still being supportive.

I’m echoing PPs who have said if you can afford fancy perfumes, face creams, crystals and smartphones then you can certainly afford a bloomin’ lock for your older DD’s bedroom door.

And you can also, with even more certainty, afford to cancel her phone contract (or shut down her usage of internet), since this costs nothing at all.

Like others I am concerned about your future relationship with your older DD. You’re failing to protect her. The situation is terribly unfair on her. She’ll look back and think she meant nothing to you, if you don’t act now to get control of her sister.

I have no words (at least no polite ones) re your husband.