Am at a loss to how to deal with 13 yo stealing

Why? Just have two keys.

Can you buy her skincare if you haven't or maybe share yours. I wouldn't say she is stealing she is just using things without asking. You need to get to the bottom of why she is so unhappy. Speak to school if you haven't. We have had our now 17 year old unhappy and we have now got to the bottom of it. It was to do with school. Keep us all posted.

Why can't you make her? Surely it's just a matter of stopping or reducing her pocket money?

So you have found the right punishment if it will hit her that hard. There is no excuse for rudeness or disrespect … sit her down and clearly lay down the ground rules with punishment details if she does something. Straight to phone might be excessive so maybe a warning system - use it as an opportunity to find out if something is driving the way she is feeling.

OP Your daughter sounds like she is really struggling and you seem completely unwilling to accept this.

Your DHs aversion to counselling is a major red flag too. Take your daughter to a doctor or contact child mental health services. Consider if she could be getting bullied or abused.

You also need to think about yourself and your choices. If you are restricted in your ability to get support for your daughter because you don't want to make your absent husband angry then that is a problem too.

I hope you all get the support you need.

I know it's very frustrating my daughter has similar problems with her 13 yr old daughter she's does get bullied at school and has started getting expelled from school because the teachers don't listen then when she's home it's a nightmare rude shouting swearing moody all the time. She's waiting on counciling which I agree it will help maybe a adult is the best way for her to talk to

Then that’s exactly why you need to remove her phone!
who’s in charge? You who her?
parent her.

you also need to know what is going on in her phone. Read it.

Try doing something nice together - maybe something or somewhere she suggests. Time away from the house and her sister. Engage with her in a more relaxed environment. Try and build understanding and co-operation.

How is she at school? Have you spoken to teachers?

Try and control her internet access, especially at night. There is tech available for this.

If she refuses to engage explain that her behaviour is frightening you and you may have to seek professional help for her and violence can only lead to police and/or psychiatric intervention. If it comes to that - stick to it - no empty threats.

As for your husband - next time he is home, leave him in charge for a few days and take yourself off to a spa or somewhere for a break. He is having it far too easy.

She needs to spend a likkle time with a real african mum and she'll be back to factory settings!

You need a two pronged approach. Firm boundaries and consequences, with a bit of love bombing and positive attention in calm moments. Stay calm and consistent.
Tell her you are enforcing boundaries because you love her and want her to be a happy and productive member of society and that’s what a good parent does, not because you are being mean and want to make her unhappy, Tell her she might not think you are doing your best for her at the moment but you really are doing it because you love her. And you want to be that good parent so from now on things are changing. Boundaries are being enforced. Consequences will happen and then she’ll need to earn back her privileges.

If you wanted one you can get a lock with 2 keys (one for each of you) or a combo lock

I am not sure it’s the answer though

agree with others this is a bizarre thread.

the fact you “can’t” confiscate a child’s phone that you pay for… is just 😵‍💫🥴

Why don’t you work? I get the feeling you’re in a 1950s housewife role to a dominant man who works away. Sahm
is surely not applicable when you have older children like this so where’s your independence? Is she trying to get you to react? Get strong feelings from you? Acting out anger she sees in her Dad?

Also if she puts her phone away at night, go in there, take it and tell her that she will not get it back until the behaviour improves.

Turn off the wifi and change the password to something she doesn’t know.

Lock away your belongings and your DD’s belongings.

Be calm but firm around her. Walk away from aggression and violence but tell her if it continues you will need to get the police involved.

Get NHS counselling. Your DH doesn’t even live there if he’s only there 3 months a year. Tell him to fuck off if he objects.

Go back to work. This sounds like a car crash waiting to happen so get yourself financially secure. It will raise your confidence in other areas too.

This is the strangest thread I’ve seen in a while. OP, you seem to be unable to consider any of the advice being given. Some of it excellent.
It almost feels as if you have decided she’s a bad kid and that’s it. People have offered so much good advice but it’s been brushed off.
She’s 13, dad is hardly around- the chance of this not having an impact on her is minimal. She likely won’t admit it as you know teenagers tend not to admit needing their parents but I am 100% certain it will bother her.
It Reads to me like a very unhappy child and I think you need to take action now. Start considering some of the advice given instead of shutting it down with excuses why you can’t. Your daughter needs you!

I think this is why she needs counselling. Those are not normal reactions from a teen. Slamming doors. Arguing back etc are quite normal. Physical fighting and destruction of property are not normal. She isn’t in control of her actions, her anger seems to be heightened.
Having everything she ever wanted won’t make a difference if there’s something else going on. With teens it’s an endless list of possibilities, sexuality, bullying, hormones, SEN, social media, drugs, friendship issues. She needs to learn to control her emotions but she needs to understand them first and pinpoint the cause ur triggers. Therapy can be wonderful, you just have to find the right therapist that can connect with your daughter.

There’s this thing called a key which you could have access too as well as your 16 yo. Lock everything where she steals from.

It's always interesting when someone posts saying they're at a loss and they need help, and then nopes everything everyone says.

Put a lock on the rooms you don't want her to gain access to.

By 'she has everything' do you mean materialistically? Because that doesn't equal happiness. Maybe she is being bullied at school, doesn't feel listened to by teachers, hormones are raging. She is 13 it's a difficult time, some handle it better than others. Try setting some boundaries, take her phone off of her for a start, she'll kick off but you'll just have to stick to your guns. Get a lockable cabinet for your 16yr old to put her belongings in and get a lock for your room. I'm afraid it's going to have to be a case of tough love and maybe some counselling for all of you.

What discipline do you use? What discipline have you used in the past?

Sounds like shes seekingbattention and any type of attention will do. How are her relationships at school? Have you had some individual time with her? Sounds like she might want to tell you stuff but feels she can't, maybe gor her own reasons.
My dd has been badly bullied. I didn't know anything about it until after an argument it all came out. The argument wasn't anything to do with the bullying buy it gave her the momentband it all spilled out.
Just a thought.

Does she drink energy drinks or coffee? My 16 year old loses his shit if he drinks either. Like literally a fully different person with a terrible anger.

Instead of taking her phone remove all the phone chargers from her access.... eventually the phone will go dead and she will need a charger.

This. I'm finding the op's replies really frustrating with almost no attempt to be constructive and find a solution. My dd has driven me to the brink in her 7 years, but I could write a book on all her amazing strengths. I'm sad that two parents are so distant from their daughter, regardless of what is behind the bad behaviour.

How am I supposed to effectively stop her?

I'd say try any of the excellent suggestions on here, except it seems you won't consider them, so she's probably thoroughly insecure because of the lack of boundaries

If you don't want a lock on the door at least get a cheap strongbox for your other DD's more treasured items, and get her phone off her right now ... if she won't give it I'm pretty sure you can disable it using the parental controls on your own