Page 2 | Was my weekend guest rude?

KerryBay · 2024-09-17T03:46:19+00:00

I hosted my friend for the first time at my home this weekend, they stayed for 3 nights. Each of these days my partner cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner except for one time out for lunch and dinner. Not one of these home cooked meals did they thank me or my partner for preparing them or that they enjoyed it. Additionally, any free moment spent at the house or when driving with them, they spent buried in their phones playing random games or on social media. If they weren’t on their phones, it was sitting by them the entire time and they would check it constantly or be texting random friends of theirs instead of talking to me. It surprised me as times I have spent with this friend prior at their home they not once did this with their phone. Lastly, I have a young child who was very excited to see them and I told them in advance she would want to talk to them a lot and show them her stuff. They did say they have very little experience with children, however they acted like any moment my child wanted their attention, it was almost painful for them to engage with her. It didn’t seem to really register with my child, but it hurt my feelings as my child was being very typical for her age and being excited for having a new friend (for her) over at her home. They would still engage with her but I could tell it was very forced, and they did not want to be doing so, it seemed to bring them no joy and instead annoyance. When my child was not present, they would make comments like “thank god she left, that’s exhausting!”. It felt inappropriate to me and I felt guilty for my child being a child. Some things they did do that were considerate were they made their bed when they left, they did seem to “try their best” to engage with my child despite doing so begrudgingly, and they did pay for our appetizer at dinner. All things considered though I found myself after they left feeling a little resentful for how they treated my family and I, but I also wonder if I am overthinking it? Thank you in advance for your input.

Happyher · 22/09/2024 10:58

I stay with my friend quite often and she is a good hostess. I always take wine and chocolates for her and her DH. We are all food lovers so talk about the food we have so it’s easy to compliment them. If we go out for a meal/lunch or have a takeaway I pay for it. I leave my room as I found it and tidy the bathroom after myself

I think if you’re not used to being a guest in someone’s house you can feel a bit awkward and not always sure how to act or be aware of the protocols. Sometimes as host you have to manage this. Engage in conversation if they’re scrolling phones but allow them time for this such as when you’re preparing food. Suggest they read your child a story - children love this and allows your guest to interact easier with the child

Let them know if it’s ok to make their own drinks or get up before you The more relaxed your guest feels the more they may engage with your routines and your family

Salonicco · 22/09/2024 10:20

Not just rude but antisocial. Except for the part with the engagement with the child where they seem to have been awkward

Disturbia81 · 22/09/2024 09:01

3 days is a long time, I'd be on my phone too as it's a lot being with someone else that long and not in your own space. But I just wouldn't stay with someone that long

But yeah he was rude with the manners

HR517 · 22/09/2024 09:00

Friends don’t behave that way. They were your guests. Their behaviour was nothing short of appalling and discourteous. Very immature for a middle aged couple. Personally, I wouldn’t bother to invite them to my home again. How a friend makes you feel is the ‘red flag’ in a relationship; Don’t ignore your feelings. You will only be subjected to more of the same! From an outsider’s perspective, you and your friends may be on a different ‘wavelength’. Family vs a couple. The dynamics are bound to be different. Some people adapt to situations, while other’s don’t, can’t or won’t!

usernother · 22/09/2024 08:07

Very, very rude. I wouldn't have them to stay again.

ThePearlSloth · 22/09/2024 00:01

Sounds like you don’t know them very well considering you had them to stay three nights. All just sounds awkward. Some people are just a bit awkward. I’m a bit awkward myself, so can sympathise with everyone in this instance!

SameAsItEverWas24 · 21/09/2024 22:02

Sounds like an ex of mine. Also similar age. Subconsciously hated my family for being close knit. He was really weird about my parent's house - regularly would unlock back door to go for a smoke and not bother to lock it again. Leave front door open when he came in or left. His parent's place was sacred, my parent's place upset him somehow and he'd act all passive aggressive there

TorroFerney · 21/09/2024 20:09

KerryBay · 18/09/2024 17:20

I agree!

So when at dinner, we were starving from having been busy all day hiking so I ordered an appetizer right when we sat down to dinner for us all to share. Then of course after that we ordered our own dishes.

When the bill arrived, the server put it down on the table and it sat there for a few minutes. I wasn’t trying to suggest anything in doing so, just wasn’t in a rush to pay, but assumed because it had not been mentioned yet that he would pay for himself and I would pay for my family (myself, husband, daughter). When I picked up the bill I told my friend I would need his card for his portion of the bill, as I knew I certainly wasn’t covering his side of things. At that time when he gave me his card he said we would pay for the appetizer. I thanked him, and that was that.

Now that I think of it though, it was kinda odd I had to even ask for his card. He should have presented it without me prompting, it was almost as if he assumed I would be paying for him.

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He should have paid for the entire meal if you were hosting to say thank you in my opinion, and should have gone quietly to settle the bill with the staff before it even came to the table.

Marieb19 · 21/09/2024 19:49

The least they could do was to pay for your meal.

Picklelily99 · 21/09/2024 18:28

My children, even tho' all adults now, have enough manners to THANK ME for making a meal! How very rude of your 'friend'.

ROckky · 21/09/2024 07:54

Yes, rude and tight - quite possibly unintentionally but even so. Early forties though...surely they've got enough life experience/skill by now...

The bottom-line is their behaviour made you enjoy their company less, feel resentful so at the very least I wouldn't have them to stay for more than one night at a time in future. Well, I wouldn't host them again at all or maintain the friendship at the current level as I would've lost some respect.

Original poster

KerryBay · 20/09/2024 22:06

Bunnyhair · 20/09/2024 18:44

There is a difference between taking something personally and finding someone’s behaviour unpleasant. If someone is desperately uncomfortable with saying ‘thank you’ and being around children, they probably shouldn’t stay for days being cooked for and generally catered to in someone’s house who has kids.

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That was my take on this as well. I can understand someone being uncomfortable around kids when they are unaccustomed to it, that is not what I have an issue with. The issue primarily is that he should in theory have known there was a potentiality for this to be his experience given his preferences and what he is comfortable with, esp since he is a 40 year old adult. I almost feel like he is lying to himself about who he believes he is and what he wants in life. Says he likes children, says he is lonely and wants to spend time with friends, says he wants a family, etc. however throughout his entire stay here acted entirely annoyed with my kid (who was honestly being a very typical 4 year old, nothing out of the ordinary), didn’t really try to engage with any of us and when he did it felt forced, etc. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, not wanting to get married, and needing a lot of alone time, but you have to own it and not make it someone else’s problem that is the case.

It would have been more appropriate that if he still wanted to come visit, to stay at a hotel to maintain balance for himself, or to shorten his stay to 1-2 nights max.

OP posts:

Bunnyhair · 20/09/2024 18:44

timeforanewmoniker · 20/09/2024 18:20

It doesn't sound like you've been a mug, it just sounds like he didn't feel comfortable at all in multiple ways and was doing his best to deal with the situation.

I also struggle to thank people if I know I should but I generally feel uncomfortable in a situation, I overthink it and worry it's going to sound really fake. I've also noticed a lot of men tend to forget to say thank you more than women.

I don't have kids and I find kids exhausting. I try not to say it to my friends' faces though. And I'm female, I know my male friends without kids find them even more exhausting and hard work than me - there's a reason we don't have them. I wouldn't take it personally. The vast majority of friendships don't last when only one side has kids.

Edited

There is a difference between taking something personally and finding someone’s behaviour unpleasant. If someone is desperately uncomfortable with saying ‘thank you’ and being around children, they probably shouldn’t stay for days being cooked for and generally catered to in someone’s house who has kids.

timeforanewmoniker · 20/09/2024 18:20

It doesn't sound like you've been a mug, it just sounds like he didn't feel comfortable at all in multiple ways and was doing his best to deal with the situation.

I also struggle to thank people if I know I should but I generally feel uncomfortable in a situation, I overthink it and worry it's going to sound really fake. I've also noticed a lot of men tend to forget to say thank you more than women.

I don't have kids and I find kids exhausting. I try not to say it to my friends' faces though. And I'm female, I know my male friends without kids find them even more exhausting and hard work than me - there's a reason we don't have them. I wouldn't take it personally. The vast majority of friendships don't last when only one side has kids.

MarkWithaC · 20/09/2024 09:38

Findinganewme · 20/09/2024 09:17

had you / your family not spent much time with friend before this stay at your home?

it sounds like your expectations were different to his. Perhaps you expected him to immerse himself in your world and be very present with you and your child. Maybe he is not used to that and needs time and space, eg on the phone.

id take it as a learning regarding whom you decide to host and who you spend time with, as a family.

It's a long way from someone not 'immersing himself' in his host's world and not saying thank you for a meal/offering to pay sometimes

Findinganewme · 20/09/2024 09:17

had you / your family not spent much time with friend before this stay at your home?

it sounds like your expectations were different to his. Perhaps you expected him to immerse himself in your world and be very present with you and your child. Maybe he is not used to that and needs time and space, eg on the phone.

id take it as a learning regarding whom you decide to host and who you spend time with, as a family.

YellowComb · 19/09/2024 07:12

I don't think making the bed when they left is polite. Did they think you'd let someone sleep in it after you?
Would have been more helpful to have stripped it for washing.

Beautiful3 · 19/09/2024 07:02

He isn't very nice is he? He used you to save money. Don't allow him to stay next time.

Cupooee · 18/09/2024 23:14

Good woman.

We can all be caught out by people, even so called good friends,.....that can happen to ANYONE.

The thing is not to allow it to happen again.
That is the key thing with cheeky fxxkers, NOT to allow them the opportunity to treat you poorly again.

That is all any of us can do.
He doesn't get to be a mean twat in your house again.

Original poster

KerryBay · 18/09/2024 21:04

Cupooee · 18/09/2024 20:55

OP, you sound very nice but a mug, and your cheap, mean, rude friend, knows it.

We teach people how to treat us.
You might give that some thought before you allow yourself and your home be used by him again.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

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Unfortunately, this is true. I tend to be easily deceived by people 😣I was emotionally/mentally abused by my primary parent and it’s created a lot of interpersonal blind spots like that for me, which I am working on, but still pose challenges.

As mentioned prior this was the first time he really showed his true colors like this, and I am not willing to let it play out again. I am distancing myself from them!

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Cupooee · 18/09/2024 20:55

KerryBay · 18/09/2024 19:43

That is correct 😂when you put it that way it does sound pretty ridiculous.

To make matters worse, he certainly has less financial stress than we do and he is aware of that because we are transparent about things like that with one another.

As I talk more about this things I had not considered come to mind, such as he decided to extend his trip back home by staying for one night at a nearby well known tourism town , that is VERY expensive. He was complaining to me about how expensive it would be to stay there, so I suggested he stay in the town near it that’s cheaper. He said it’s “not as nice though”, granted this town is still very nice just not as “boujee” as the other. Well ultimately he decided he would stay at the expensive town because he found a “cheap” place to stay in, meanwhile this place cost a lot, way more than I would spend for what it was. I thought to myself, so you are willing to spend 100s for one night at this place, when you were SO cheap while staying with us for days straight? Also, where we live is also expensive for a single hotel night, so we saved him a lot by hosting him at our home. Pretty rude of him looking back!

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OP, you sound very nice but a mug, and your cheap, mean, rude friend, knows it.

We teach people how to treat us.
You might give that some thought before you allow yourself and your home be used by him again.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

Original poster

KerryBay · 18/09/2024 19:43

AzureSheep · 18/09/2024 18:21

So not even an appetiser each?! ONE appetiser for 3 grown adults is all he contributed to the whole weekend?! Wild. And he didn’t even offer to pay for his own meal?!

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That is correct 😂when you put it that way it does sound pretty ridiculous.

To make matters worse, he certainly has less financial stress than we do and he is aware of that because we are transparent about things like that with one another.

As I talk more about this things I had not considered come to mind, such as he decided to extend his trip back home by staying for one night at a nearby well known tourism town , that is VERY expensive. He was complaining to me about how expensive it would be to stay there, so I suggested he stay in the town near it that’s cheaper. He said it’s “not as nice though”, granted this town is still very nice just not as “boujee” as the other. Well ultimately he decided he would stay at the expensive town because he found a “cheap” place to stay in, meanwhile this place cost a lot, way more than I would spend for what it was. I thought to myself, so you are willing to spend 100s for one night at this place, when you were SO cheap while staying with us for days straight? Also, where we live is also expensive for a single hotel night, so we saved him a lot by hosting him at our home. Pretty rude of him looking back!

OP posts:

No33 · 18/09/2024 19:12

KerryBay · 17/09/2024 05:40

My friend is in their early 40s, is a male.

Yes, very very rude.

I assumed you were talking about a sulky teenage niece or similar.

AzureSheep · 18/09/2024 18:21

KerryBay · 18/09/2024 17:20

I agree!

So when at dinner, we were starving from having been busy all day hiking so I ordered an appetizer right when we sat down to dinner for us all to share. Then of course after that we ordered our own dishes.

When the bill arrived, the server put it down on the table and it sat there for a few minutes. I wasn’t trying to suggest anything in doing so, just wasn’t in a rush to pay, but assumed because it had not been mentioned yet that he would pay for himself and I would pay for my family (myself, husband, daughter). When I picked up the bill I told my friend I would need his card for his portion of the bill, as I knew I certainly wasn’t covering his side of things. At that time when he gave me his card he said we would pay for the appetizer. I thanked him, and that was that.

Now that I think of it though, it was kinda odd I had to even ask for his card. He should have presented it without me prompting, it was almost as if he assumed I would be paying for him.

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So not even an appetiser each?! ONE appetiser for 3 grown adults is all he contributed to the whole weekend?! Wild. And he didn’t even offer to pay for his own meal?!

Original poster

KerryBay · 18/09/2024 17:20

MarkWithaC · 18/09/2024 16:43

Again, a competent adult, no matter their age, sex or whether they have kids, really should have an inkling that it's polite to pay for a meal or a takeaway at least once when someone puts you up.
I still want to know how he came to pay for the appetizer and nothing else; how did that get arranged? How did the conversation go, @KerryBay ?

Show quote history

I agree!

So when at dinner, we were starving from having been busy all day hiking so I ordered an appetizer right when we sat down to dinner for us all to share. Then of course after that we ordered our own dishes.

When the bill arrived, the server put it down on the table and it sat there for a few minutes. I wasn’t trying to suggest anything in doing so, just wasn’t in a rush to pay, but assumed because it had not been mentioned yet that he would pay for himself and I would pay for my family (myself, husband, daughter). When I picked up the bill I told my friend I would need his card for his portion of the bill, as I knew I certainly wasn’t covering his side of things. At that time when he gave me his card he said we would pay for the appetizer. I thanked him, and that was that.

Now that I think of it though, it was kinda odd I had to even ask for his card. He should have presented it without me prompting, it was almost as if he assumed I would be paying for him.

OP posts: