To ask if savings are shared when you share finances otherwise

I don't think any savings he had before marriage are yours to have a say on. If you feel vulnerable because you don't have more savings then perhaps you should return to work.

I think this is more complex than other posters are implying.

Is your DH keen for you to be a SAHM? Have you made the decision to be a SAHM based on the fact that you view your family's finances as healthy enough to support you staying at home? Was the £250k a large part of this reasoning?

Sadly I think this is a tale as old as time where a younger woman has a family with an older, wealthier man. The man has obviously had time to accrue more financial resources and build a better career because he has a ten year advantage on the woman. Unsurprisingly the baby comes along and the man is often keen that the woman takes the career hit to look after the child because it makes most financial sense if you look at the family's finances and earning potential. This is true to some extent of all finances were truly merged forever but even at this point, OP's DH is letting her know that he doesn't actually see all of his assets as being joint.

OP, posters on MN will love banging on about it being his money but you must remember that you have not had the opportunity to build up such a nest egg due to the age difference in the relationship. Having a baby now will be a huge barrier towards you achieving the same as him, even if you earned the same money and went back to work. Think long and hard about the best way to proceed that financially protects you. You are operating at a significant financial disadvantage and this will only get worse if you stay a SAHM. I say this as someone that generally is pro SAHPs on the right circumstances but this scenario sounds very risky indeed for you.

You are vulnerable through your own choices, you've married an older, high earner and beame a stay at home mum, you should absolutely go back to work given how you feel. You'd be entitled to some of that money if you split, but actually it's his that he's earned before meeting you, and his salary goes into a joint account. It's up to him how he saves it. It's not even like he's wasting it on himself while you struggle with separate finances. He's being transparent about what he's doing with the money which is sensible.

It would be tax efficient to get some of the money into your name.
BUT that is a significant chunk of money from pre marriage. Are you actually saving money currently? I think I'd forget about the 250k, but get a decent chunk of the current savings into an account in your name - say 75% of it.

DH and i used to earn equally, we had no savings when we got to get her at uni.

He now earns significantly more than me but everything we earn between us is put into a joint account. From there some goes into a shared savings account and some, equal amounts, goes into our individual ISA as our own savings

Do you have a joint savings account from your time together?
Do you have access to all the accounts (excluding his pre marriage savings)?
Are you expected to pass everything by him if you want to buy anything?

I've never felt financially vulnerable, any big purchases ie cars furniture are discussed and we discuss moving 'our money ' around (we are not talking wages,/savings anywhere near your figures).

If those savings are agreed to be for a home, I'd take those out of the equation, but have a chat with your DH. Feeling vulnerable in ANY way within a marriage isn't a healthy place to be, you need some reassurance that you are in a healthy relationship.

We share all money even though DH earns twice what I do. We move it around between us to maximise tax savings and high interest rates. Most accounts are in our individual names, but the money in them belongs to both of us.

All our money is shared money, go back to work and he can pay nurseries fees instead of paying into his savings.

my DH brings home the same money as me in 7 days to my monthly salary. I have an employers pension and DH pays a bit extra into another for me, aswell as his own. I work term time and do the majority of the admin and children’s clubs etc…. Especially when he’s working away. I enable him to work the BIG job.

do you know how much he’s got squirrelled away or is it a secret?

You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable. The only way to change this is to get your own income OP.

@Gorgonemilezola presumably a lot of it will be in ISAs if saved over a long period, and he is now moving more to PB to save tax again.

I think there are two very different questions at play - the first being about savings before you got married and the second being savings after you married. I don’t think you should really have rights over savings he had before you were married (although I know they would be taken into consideration if you divorced). You didn’t contribute to them. If he was planning something stupid that would impact your family long term then that’s a different discussion; but he’s doing something sensible (presumably for tax purposes) and it’s his money.

Savings saved from joint income during the marriage is different.

We share all our income and savings. We each have PB money but discuss what to do with our money jointly and never make financial decisions, either short term or long term, without discussing and agreeing.

Then again, neither of us came into the marriage with £250k in the bank in our name alone.

£10k interest, not £20. Wishful thinking 😂

We share all money but both have savings in our own name, ISAs and the like. Mkre savings in my name for tax reason (I earn less than DH), which would surely be sensible in your household. Depending how it's invested, if your DH has £250k earning 4% he'll earn £20k interest and be taxed on £9k. If some was in your name you wouldn't be taxed.

It’s a waste of time and inefficient not to use your isa allowance annually.

assuming the marriage is good saving should go there before a savings account

I don't think so really, we share finances but DH has his own savings and I have mine, when I didn't earn anything on mat leave he continued to add to mine. We do also have joint savings though.

His mum was absolutely screwed over by his dad, and if mattered to him I have a a pot of money that is solely my own and that he does too- just in case..

Agree with PP that this seems to be a broader issue - it's not really about how he phrased it. It's that you feel vulnerable because you're entirely dependent on him for money. But unless you have lots of your own savings yourself to fall back on if needed (which you don't), that's the risk of being SAHM.

I'd say get back to work. Make your own money so that you don't have to worry about vulnerability of finances.

My friend has been married 15yrs and her DH saves money in his name and she has zero control over it. I personally wouldn’t class that money as mine as it was saved before we met. Premium bonds don’t stop the money being accessed and he’s probably doing it for tax purposes. So I don’t think he needed to consult you no.

We share everything. Savings, investments, bonds, money, everything. Including savings DH had before he met me.

In which case, it is probably time to go back to work.

What does he say when you tell him you're feeling vulnerable?

No, but that's for tax reasons only.

Ah yeah, I'm in that field. I'm also hoping to go into consultancy. I knew a guy who quit his teaching post to work in a cafe. Same pay. Whats your field?

That would be insane. He came into the marriage with his money. Asking him to split it is absurd. If I was him I'd be confused, and a little shocked at the request.

The OP, justifiably, wants to feel less at the mercy of a man and his money. The way to do that is not control HIS money, but make your own. You trained as a dr op? Have you looked into consultancy? Lots of money there for medics and you can pick and choose your projects and timelines.