To ask if savings are shared when you share finances otherwise

I honestly couldn't imagine being in a marriage where DH considered his money just his, especially when my earning potential was affected by having children with him.

I had more savings than DH when we got together, but I considered them ours. I still have more savings than him (we keep our own bank accts) and still consider them ours.

We're a partnership, through good times and bad and this includes finances. So yeah, in your situation I absolutely would expect it to be a joint discussion about what is done with the money.

For us, yes. Everything we have is ours. Everything we had when we married became ours.

But everyone's different. What matters is both parties are happy with the arrangement. You're not. So it needs discussing, then you can decide how you feel and what to do

You chose to become a STAHM and also go down a relatively low paid academic route. On his wage you could easily afford childcare to enable you to work. But you are receiving the benefit of being home with your child. His money was earned before marriage...that being said why did your savings go on the wedding?

That's because you are, which was the choice you made when you became a SAHM

In answer to your original question, I wouldn't consider those savings shared as he had them before you met, I would consider savings made since you started sharing finances to be shared though

Wow. I wouldn’t be a SAHM with a husband who thinks it’s acceptable to speak to me like that. He may well think he has more say in what happens to the money, but the attitude he gave you is unacceptable. He can speak to you like you are an adult who 1) has a shared, vested interest in your joint future and 2) like you are a valuable member of your partnership who saves a significant amount on childcare.

I would go back to work and get some financial independence from him.

Never did shared accounts, yet everything is shared. Just this is how we are ( morally dedicated to the marriage ) and when one has less, the other tops us etc ....if I stop working as I was home stay for many years, the amount I have in my account will drop but my lifestyle will be absolutely the same with the money he receives as salary. We are a tight nit unit and are always together anyway so it does not bother me or him what we spend on if we are out and about by ourselves - it works for us

When I met him, I had nothing. He just took me in and started taking care for all my needs and even taking pride in sending me to courses, hairdressers, do you want a new dress. If you have found the right man who loves you, you did. If have found non husband material man who sees you as a convenience to use and do what he wants from you without considering the totality of your person and humanity, it is a choice: pick your battles and accept what you are given or go

With a deposit of £250k why has a house not been bought?
Also, why has your savings being depleted by the wedding and may leave when he is very wealthy?
You're in a vulnerable position.

I have read numerous thread here about all sorts - family finances. The case is in the marriage the less earning ( or non earning ) partner either gets what they are given, either noting ever changes ( apart from divorce). Pick your battles wisely

We have one joint savings account. Occasionally over the years both our parents have given us sums of money and it a goes into that account which we then use for any large purchases like house renovations. Neither of us see any of it as his or mine.

Having said that DH can't actually access it because he never set up online banking to that account and can't be arsed now so technically I could run away with it. Not planning to.

You should definitely have him paying into a pension for you OP. (I actually think being a SAHM is making you very vulnerable and unless he shows he is willing to lessen that by putting 50-% of savings post marriage in your name and give you a pension, you should go back to work. But this is a divisive topic on MN.)

That doesn’t change my view on these savings being his but I would worry about what have means for your ownership of the house when you buy it - he may look to ringfence the 250k or take a greater % (or all?) of the ownership of the house.

I think a lot of people are responding from a view of one party not having accrued £250k and one £0 before they got together. That is huge, and I think is his. When I go divorced, only assets accrued after we lived together were considered.

If you feel vulnerable, then get a job and put your child in childcare.

That's because you are.

The only way to be less vulnerable is to start working again.

Are you getting a pension paid into, topping up NI credits etc?

I'm a sahm and I wouldn't have been concerned about DH putting money unto PBs. We view all our money as shared, and never talk in terms of my/your money, or keep tabs on who has paid or say one of us owes the other money. It's all one big pot so it doesn't matter. But it is kept in various accounts, and most of it is in individual names not joint. For us that's an admin thing and makes most sense from a tax point of view.

DH has always been a much higher earner and has significant money from before we met, but that doesn't matter. What's his is ours and what's mine is ours, and all of it is for the benefit of the family unit and the future of our dc. Although we don't necessarily discuss investment decisions or large financial purchases. We are both pretty sensible and each of us has some complexity with finances that is different, so I trust his decisions for his own circumstances as he researches it well and is sensible, and so am I.

I have read the rest of your posts now LOL
As it was spoken for for a house, is this investment short time? Will the money be accessible for when you want to buy? Have you asked him this?
I can see how you fell vulnerable and fully dependant if the plan was to use the money for a house and he is changing it without previous discussion. Maybe he has a new improved plan, but he needs to share that with you.
And I think it is better for you to return to work. You will be in control of your finances and investing in your future.
I love staying home with the children, but in the current society, the truth is that the world is built for two earners. Everything is expensive and unforgiven. If he falls ill or is unemployed for a while, you will have to take the main earner spot.

DH and I share savings and finances m, which was the original question. I had significantly higher savings at the start of of the marriage which were in an account in my name before we met and stayed there until we bought our first house. Now we have premium bonds in both our names.

What is the size of your joint savings? He has more than he can invest in premium bonds (max 50k). So perhaps you could put some in your name from the joint savings.

We do share our savings, but we have separate bank accounts.
Each couple is different.
I do not think I would be upset. He works in the City, so presumably he knows what he is doing, he told you and is only part of the savings. I would want to know that he is not gambling it, but otherwise, if I trust his judgement, I would not oppose. At least you have some other plans for it at present? Like moving houses or need a new car?

I think you take him at his word.
He sees it as his money.
How is he about money generally?
Do you feel able to spend without worrying about it?
This is important.
Does he share the work load when at home or do you do everything in the house and for childcare?

You need to listen to your gut.
You feel financially vulnerable.
Time to job hunt.
The cost of childcare will be a family cost, not just yours, remember that.
Some men make it very difficult for women to return to work because it suits them to have a stay at home wife.
If he refuses to pay then you know that your relationship is controlling.

Men that prevent women from returning to work by controlling money.
That is both financial abuse and coercive control.
He may have been making a wise investment but he chose to make the distinction when you asked,
Listen to your gut on what it means.

I certainly wouldn't be having another child if you feel even slightly vulnerable.

I was just about to say this. Unfortunately, whatever he says and no matter what conversations you have to make you feel better, you are no more secure. He has lots of money and earns well, you don’t and it’s worse now because you’ve given up work to take care of you DC. You are married so that gives you some protection but doesn’t stop him from going and spending all his money on something he fancies. I’m afraid you need to get comfortable with it or go out and get a job which pays well.

on this specific point, if he was thinking of spending the money (as in a lot of it), I’d expect to be part of the discussion. Moving it to another savings account is not a big decision and it wouldn’t bother me if he’d decided to do it unilaterally. He's let you know and you have an option to chime in with an alternative suggestion if you wish. I wouldn’t expect a full on consultation about this.

I'm also confused about the wider question of why you don't own a home or when you plan to do that?

I personally view assets (including cash savings) that existed pre-marriage should be seen as separate from marital assets.

I have no idea what the law says on that though.

DP and I share finances in the sense we split cost of everything as we roughly earn the same, but I definitely consider my savings mine. His attitude to money is more "spend what you have, might get hit by a bus tomorrow" whereas I have always been much more cautious, so its in my interest to protect my savings.

I have invested my savings and I do use the interest / profits / any premium bond wins for the good of the family e.g. if there is a repair bill one month then I'll use the premium bond win to pay as I'm happy to, or I'll treat us to a meal out or something like that. I protect the lump sum and very much consider that mine, but I'm happy to share the money that it makes.

Absolutely. Worth making sure though.

so you are not even earning, all money that he earns goes into a joint account to which you have full access and you are upset that he wants to invest his own money (which is earmarked as a deposit for your joint home). Really? I am in a financially abusive and difficult situation myself but this ain't. You sound like a right princess.

If you feel financially vulnerable, go and get a job and earn your own money. Being financially dependent just isn't for everyone.

This

@doodlydooo you lost me when you said he had savings of £250k and said that was a deposit for your future home!!! why are you living in a rental with that kind of money saved up??????