To ask if savings are shared when you share finances otherwise

Yes we see our savings as joint money. Everything we have is shared. We each have an ISA to maximise the tax-free savings accounts but still view these as our shared savings. All financial decisions are agreed together. 20+ year marriage.

OP you need to return to work to get some financial independence. Your husband's attitude is what's mine is mine. He doesn't see you as an equal, financially anyway.

As your child is young you will get NI credits towards your state pension. What you won’t get credit wise which you would if you were working is ‘credits’ towards ESA etc if you couldn’t work due to being sick

Did he say the wedding vow “everything I have is yours…”? I would say that on marrying that becomes family money not ‘his’ per se.

We have separate savings though we know how much we each have, we invest a little as well so don’t have time to consult each other. No big risks these days as we are not really young so don’t have so much time to recoup and about to both be retired. He is daft not giving some to you to max out your ISA allowance as you are married. My DH made one mistake when we were a similar age to you and lost 25k, he recouped it and more within two years.

I was never a SAHP, that’s a risk thats up to you though. I hope you get back in to work, a PhD and medical research all that knowledge seems like a bit of a waste not to.

Technically yes 50% is yours but I think you need to start thinking about your own financial independence.

@RosesAndHellebores yes but it’s only automatic if you receive child benefit. If you don’t then you have to apply for the missing years contributions.

I would not agree to be a SAHP unless it was also agreed I had full and equal say over and access to all finances. If I was being asked to give up my career, and my financial independence for the 'good of the family' to do the unpaid work, compromising my future and choices, that would be a basic requirement. Otherwise I stay in my job and my partner contributes equally in every way to the domestic & childcare responsibilities- child sick days, mental organisational load etc with all costs shared proportionate to income. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for resentment and inequity. Both roles equally valued and true partnership is the only way it works.

And the years you spend as a SAHM are credited to your pension record and count towards your pension.

@doodlydooo he sounds a keeper to me. FWIW when we married over 30 years ago, I had the money and worked in the City. We also had a pre-nup setting out what was mine before marriage and securing my equity. Within a few years dh's career had taken off and it was all irrelevant but we have always maintained separate finances and have never had a joint account. There have been a few episodes of no consultation but they are largely irrelevant because the money spent was "spare" money. A prime example being the wanky mid life sports car!

Finances are different for every couple and as long as you have enough and nothing is withheld I don't see a problem. It's one thing to not be able to have a new frock because there's more month than money; quite another because a man thinks yio should make do and darn because he's tight.

Ultimately I went back to work because I wanted earnt pennies jangling in my pocket.

I'd get back to.work as soon as you are well, particularly as an academic career works pretty well around DC. Great that you are in medical research and not the Humanities in the current climate. I think you need to get a few papers out if you want a substantive lecturing post though.

I can't help feeling that a woman who brought £250k into the marriage and was supporting a man with no savings to study and then be a SAHP, would get a different set of responses if her DH complained at her making a decision about moving her money.

But I'm glad all was resolved, OP.

@doodlydooo the NI contribution comment I made was because when you get to State pension age you will need to have paid enough years of contributions to actually get the full pension

Generally, if we have any savings then they are joint and usually we have a specific thing we need to save for or are trying to build a safety net.

However, if for example I get a bit of birthday money then I’ll pop that it may own savings to keep it to one side until I decide what to treat myself to. I may end up deciding to put it in the family pot if I don’t want or need anything.
DH is the same - he may be saving for something (usually his next tattoo) just for himself but otherwise it would be joint savings for a joint goal.

Sounds like he is very reasonable and perhaps it is anxiety.
Do consider returning to work when you feel better.
Perhaps see your GP again.

Do you rent at the moment ? How much of deposit do you need to buy ? 250k would buy a house outright in some areas of the country

Yes, assumption from my side.
That he knows what he is doing is of vital importance here, whether is by himself or sound advice from others.

Why have you used your savings for your wedding when your DH has 250k locked away?

We share everything but to be fair neither of us had anything to speak of when we got together

@doodlydooo did your husband want you to be a SAHM? Did you specifically want to be a SAHM? Did you talk about what would happen to your NI contributions and how you would be able to build up a private pension also? Given he obviously places a lot of importance on savings did the 2 of you talk at all about how you could have savings in your name? Does he place any value on the work you do as a SAHM? Does he parent? Does he do a fair share of housework? Cooking? Mental load? Does he have time with your child so you get a break?

To be clear there are so many different jobs in The City. I work in the City as do many others I know but many have zero investing knowledge and experience.

… and yes maybe the first thing I’d be saying here is that you would like some of that 250K moved into your own savings to cover at least 50% of the wedding costs!!

that in itself might say more than you realise.

I think the real question is this -

‘DH I need you to stop for a moment and think about what I’m doing for ‘us’. SAHP is a privilege in some ways but it is also a statement that you are willing to make yourself financially vulnerable and in a dependent position. Think about whether you would ever do it, or want to… and if you did, how much of it would depend, quite crucially, on the level of trust between us.

You know I recognise that that money is ethically ‘yours’ but you also know that once we married and ESPECIALLY once I became SAHP then that money became a grey area. How grey that area is depends on you. It has been acknowledged between us that it is for a jointly owned home. So this may be semantics but it doesn’t feel like it, and when so much depends on the trust I’ve just referrred to, feelings matter.

in a nutshell - doing something like moving those savings without even acknowledging, even out of politeness, that it would be a good, team-spirit thing to talk to me about it (better still, ask if I agree and if not why not) undermines our deal. It gives me a little chill that I’m placing financial trust in you, but deep down you’re thinking ‘mine/hers’.

If too much of that happens, if my trust in what the real deal is here is eroded, I’m not saying I’ll blame or attack you… but I’ll just not be able to be SAHP any more and we’ll have to do it all differently.’

Those were also my questions!

DH and I have always viewed our savings as joint, but it's a different situation as we had nothing when we met and neither of us have ever been a SAHP. But whatever our arrangements, I'd be expecting to discuss finances properly and have an equitable arrangement. And I'd not be a SAHP without full financial disclosure of everything.

Dh and don't have any joint accounts. We earn similar amounts though. Works for us and I wouldn't want it any other way. With that much money are yous saving into a pension for you? Have you both opened LisA's? Good for saving for a home and for you if you don't have a pension.

Not all couples agree but to me money saved before marriage belongs to that person not the couple.

You are dependent on him for money and that makes you feel vulnerable. Well yes you are. Make a change, get a job.