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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu for putting myself first

63 replies

Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:27

Ok so here goes.
Please no judgement - i know its not ideal and i shpuld leave my OH but there are underlying DA issues and i cannot just leave at the moment

I am fing a man who knows my partner. My partner is emotionally distant and has been for years except when he is mentally. Verbally and physically aing me. I am considering leaving him once i am in a more stable position

The guy im f*ing loves rough sex just like me. I told him that it is purely FWB but we often push our boundaries
Safe words are in use at all times (red, amber, green) and ive used it once and all play stopped immediately

It has progressed from light slapping to full on punching and slapping as hard as possible.
Its strange but i feel really safe as i know 100% he would stop if needed. He messages me and makes sure i am ok, and after sex we will cuddle and just talk.

He makes me feel good about myself and we do the roughness in a controlled way which i am 100% in control of it via the RAG system.

Aibu dojng this and putting my needs first?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:48

Ilovelurchers · 16/09/2024 18:44

Your partner is a violent abuser and you really must leave him as soon as it is safe to do so. There is lots of help out there you know. I am not judging you for cheating - given that your husband is an abuser I wouldn't care if you shagged 5000 blokes behind his back - but the risk of him finding out is terrifying, given he is already violent.

How will you explain it if your play partner accidentally leaves marks for example?

The BDSM is fine providing you are 100 % safe. Enjoying consensual violence and pain is one of the most common paraphilias I would think. You could have therapy to explore where it comes from if you like, but nobody really knows - maybe you are just wired that way - and as long as you are playing safely it's fine.

Is the guy you are playing with single? How did you meet?.

Hi
I am planning my escape route slowly. I dont want ti be found once i do leave so im biding my time.

He has left marks on me already but my oh simply doesnt know as he leaves them too.
Yes i am safe with my play mate - he stops immediately if i call red and amber is a warning to back off.
He is single and knows my oh via squash so an acquaintence really.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 16/09/2024 18:45

stayathomer · 16/09/2024 18:35

Without even describing any of it you were being unreasonable. I’m sorry if things are difficult for you at home but an affair is not going to help it. I think you need to look for counselling

Things are more than "difficult". She says he is a violent abuser. Do you honestly think she owes a violent abuser fidelity?

Suzuki70 · 16/09/2024 18:44

I think you need some counselling.

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:44

Spomb · 16/09/2024 18:43

It seems weird you can’t bring yourself to type the word ‘fucking’, but have no qualms about going into a lot of detail about your sex life!

I think it would be easier for you to break up with your current partner and then decide what direction you want to take next.

Wasnt sure it was allowed on netmums threads hence the *

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 16/09/2024 18:44

Your partner is a violent abuser and you really must leave him as soon as it is safe to do so. There is lots of help out there you know. I am not judging you for cheating - given that your husband is an abuser I wouldn't care if you shagged 5000 blokes behind his back - but the risk of him finding out is terrifying, given he is already violent.

How will you explain it if your play partner accidentally leaves marks for example?

The BDSM is fine providing you are 100 % safe. Enjoying consensual violence and pain is one of the most common paraphilias I would think. You could have therapy to explore where it comes from if you like, but nobody really knows - maybe you are just wired that way - and as long as you are playing safely it's fine.

Is the guy you are playing with single? How did you meet?.

Spomb · 16/09/2024 18:43

It seems weird you can’t bring yourself to type the word ‘fucking’, but have no qualms about going into a lot of detail about your sex life!

I think it would be easier for you to break up with your current partner and then decide what direction you want to take next.

Badburyrings · 16/09/2024 18:40

Jesus christ, when you think you've heard it all...............

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:39

Gymnopedie · 16/09/2024 18:30

TMI

Helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:38

AgnesX · 16/09/2024 18:30

YABU mainly because of the likelihood of you ending up in A&E.

Still YABU because you're married. You need to get your act together and leave.

Thankyou for your response.
I am.not married but yes i do need to leave.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 16/09/2024 18:35

Without even describing any of it you were being unreasonable. I’m sorry if things are difficult for you at home but an affair is not going to help it. I think you need to look for counselling

DaniMontyRae · 16/09/2024 18:33

Sounds like a form of self harm.

Gymnopedie · 16/09/2024 18:30

TMI

AgnesX · 16/09/2024 18:30

YABU mainly because of the likelihood of you ending up in A&E.

Still YABU because you're married. You need to get your act together and leave.