Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu for putting myself first

63 replies

Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:27

Ok so here goes.
Please no judgement - i know its not ideal and i shpuld leave my OH but there are underlying DA issues and i cannot just leave at the moment

I am fing a man who knows my partner. My partner is emotionally distant and has been for years except when he is mentally. Verbally and physically aing me. I am considering leaving him once i am in a more stable position

The guy im f*ing loves rough sex just like me. I told him that it is purely FWB but we often push our boundaries
Safe words are in use at all times (red, amber, green) and ive used it once and all play stopped immediately

It has progressed from light slapping to full on punching and slapping as hard as possible.
Its strange but i feel really safe as i know 100% he would stop if needed. He messages me and makes sure i am ok, and after sex we will cuddle and just talk.

He makes me feel good about myself and we do the roughness in a controlled way which i am 100% in control of it via the RAG system.

Aibu dojng this and putting my needs first?

OP posts:
Ohshandy · 17/09/2024 09:12

GoldViper · 17/09/2024 04:01

Yep, this is a bloke using this site as wank fodder. As per usual at the moment.

Show quote history

Really? 🤢

GoldViper · 17/09/2024 04:01

itsmabeline · 16/09/2024 19:30

YABU to use a swear word instead of saying "sleeping with".

Only men do this on MN IME

Yep, this is a bloke using this site as wank fodder. As per usual at the moment.

stanleypops66 · 16/09/2024 20:53

You've gone from one dangerous situation to another potentially dangerous one. Are you using it as a form of punishment because your self esteem is so low?

I really hope you get rid of both and properly opt out yourself first.

theurbanpigeon · 16/09/2024 20:49

For when you next log on:
Nothing wrong with what you are doing fundamentally imo: you deserve to feel happy.
I would just urge you to be careful - if you are with a violent man, it sounds like you are running some risk by engaging in an affair with someone he knows. Maybe just consider if that risk is worth it for the reward you enjoy when you see him.

Otherwise best of luck with getting out - thoughts are with you xx

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 16/09/2024 20:40

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

TheRavenSaid · 16/09/2024 20:20

Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:44

Wasnt sure it was allowed on netmums threads hence the *

Show quote history

Dunno about netmums, but it's sure as fuck allowed on Mumsnet

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 19:43

Thankyou for the mostle supportive comments. I was dreading the responses i was gonna get.
I am logging off for a bit as OH is due home soon but i will be looking into womens aid asap

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 16/09/2024 19:36

All sounds weird af, but you do you, and be safe.

Ohshandy · 16/09/2024 19:36

Not judging by the way my friend is the same

Ohshandy · 16/09/2024 19:36

Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 19:34

Its not the pain i like, its knowing that my play mate will stop immediately if i say RED. Its like an element of control

Show quote history

I’d much rather he be doing something else for me to say stop 🤣

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 19:34

Ohshandy · 16/09/2024 19:33

I have always been really confused by women who like this kind of thing, it can’t be enjoyable surely?

Show quote history

Its not the pain i like, its knowing that my play mate will stop immediately if i say RED. Its like an element of control

OP posts:
Ohshandy · 16/09/2024 19:33

Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:38

Thankyou for your response.
I am.not married but yes i do need to leave.

Show quote history

I have always been really confused by women who like this kind of thing, it can’t be enjoyable surely?

DoYouReally · 16/09/2024 19:32

The main thing here is your safe, especially if he finds out.

I don't think your judgment is the best at the moment but that's for another time.

Please ring women's aid to get help and yo get out.

itsmabeline · 16/09/2024 19:30

YABU to use a swear word instead of saying "sleeping with".

Only men do this on MN IME

Chonk · 16/09/2024 19:28

Ilovelurchers · 16/09/2024 18:44

Your partner is a violent abuser and you really must leave him as soon as it is safe to do so. There is lots of help out there you know. I am not judging you for cheating - given that your husband is an abuser I wouldn't care if you shagged 5000 blokes behind his back - but the risk of him finding out is terrifying, given he is already violent.

How will you explain it if your play partner accidentally leaves marks for example?

The BDSM is fine providing you are 100 % safe. Enjoying consensual violence and pain is one of the most common paraphilias I would think. You could have therapy to explore where it comes from if you like, but nobody really knows - maybe you are just wired that way - and as long as you are playing safely it's fine.

Is the guy you are playing with single? How did you meet?.

How on earth can OP be 100% safe when a fully grown man is punching her as hard as possible? She's going to end up dead.

stayathomer · 16/09/2024 19:25

Ilovelurchers

Nothing to do with him, an affair gives him ammunition and pushes her down into the ground more in terms of self esteem

Noseybookworm · 16/09/2024 19:21

Well these are your life choices and if you are happy doing it, I'm not sure why you are asking other people's opinions? Personally I think it sounds dangerous and degrading but each to their own.

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 19:15

SleeplessInWherever · 16/09/2024 19:11

Came here to see judgment and I am not disappointed (except that I kinda am)

The kink is acceptable as long as it’s acceptable to you, and is being done safely. Your body, your choice. To be honest, I’m pleased you’ve found something to make you feel good about yourself.

It’s often not as simple to “just leave.” I don’t believe many people “just leave.” Make that a long term goal, and work toward it - but be safe in the meantime.

Thankyou so much

I realise its fucked up and really not ideal but when you have little control over something you do grab onto the shit you CAN control

I cant control being slapped, spat on, choked etc by my oh but i CAN control the same things with the other guy. Its 100% safe.
The people saying just leave - i have nowhere to go and he would find me. Hence i need to be prepared

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 16/09/2024 19:11

Came here to see judgment and I am not disappointed (except that I kinda am)

The kink is acceptable as long as it’s acceptable to you, and is being done safely. Your body, your choice. To be honest, I’m pleased you’ve found something to make you feel good about yourself.

It’s often not as simple to “just leave.” I don’t believe many people “just leave.” Make that a long term goal, and work toward it - but be safe in the meantime.

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 19:11

Beth216 · 16/09/2024 19:04

So you cope with the abuse at home by finding someone else to abuse you that you can stop and have some control over? It's such a depressingly dysfunctional way to try and get some self esteem. You have no idea if the AP one day might go 'accidentally' too far.

You say you can't leave because of the domestic abuse but what if your OH finds out about your affair? You're going to wind up dead. Phone women's aid and start finding a way to get as far away from this sad mess as you can. You deserve 1000 times better than any of this.

What was your childhood like? I'm guessing fairly crap. Get some help OP, please, before you end up dead.

Yeah when you say it like that it makes no sense at all.
I think i will try womens aid as ive not tried that avebue yet x

OP posts:
CatCatBoing · 16/09/2024 19:06

Fucking he'll.

Beth216 · 16/09/2024 19:04

So you cope with the abuse at home by finding someone else to abuse you that you can stop and have some control over? It's such a depressingly dysfunctional way to try and get some self esteem. You have no idea if the AP one day might go 'accidentally' too far.

You say you can't leave because of the domestic abuse but what if your OH finds out about your affair? You're going to wind up dead. Phone women's aid and start finding a way to get as far away from this sad mess as you can. You deserve 1000 times better than any of this.

What was your childhood like? I'm guessing fairly crap. Get some help OP, please, before you end up dead.

Tiswa · 16/09/2024 18:55

You need counselling as it is seems as if you are punishing yourself

leave your partner and stop with the other man you are trying to gain power and control over your abuse(r) by having a situation in which you can stop if you need too

JacquelineShit · 16/09/2024 18:53

Badburyrings · 16/09/2024 18:40

Jesus christ, when you think you've heard it all...............

Yeah this just about covers it.

Bring back the "AIBU to like the colour pink?" or something.

The question's just as stupid but far less obvious.

Original poster
Kindmama221 · 16/09/2024 18:49

Badburyrings · 16/09/2024 18:40

Jesus christ, when you think you've heard it all...............

How is that helpful?
If you dont like it then simply just move on.

OP posts: