DH withholding baby from me

Doesn't sound like Op would 'let' him.

Sounds like a teething baby an over emotional mother and a dad trying to help.

He could try getting off his lazy arse and helping you with the baby BEFORE it gets to the stage you've been trying to settle them for an HOUR

Wow he's nasty.

JFC, is crying now a sure sign that a mother ‘isn’t coping’
What, so along with all of the shit we usually have to put up with, the relentless judgement of our mothering skills (when Dads can seemingly do no wrong) we are supposed to do all of this with a smile on our face and no tears?? What an absolute load of shit

No, you are the bizarre one.

Oh, please. Crying a bit in the early months when your baby has been screaming for unexplained reasons for over an hour is totally normal. Stop trying to pathologise a normal human reaction. It doesn’t mean she’s not able to tend her baby’s needs. In fact the whole problem is that the child is resistant to soothing.

If she were crying even in calm moments, or felt numb a lot of the time, that would be when to really worry.

I’m so sorry OP, people on here have been horrible. Better to talk to your mum, a friend, or health visitor (and GP for the baby) than the mean girls of Mumsnet

I wouldn’t, if I were her.
People on here are ghastly.

I'm not sure the OP is coming back.

sounds like you need to speak with a specialist, because no, it’s not normal to just cry along with your baby. That’s actually pretty bizarre.

I think it's wrong to label him as abusive/controlling, just as much as it's wrong to assume he's definitely only trying to help as OP isn't coping when we don't really know exactly what's going on here.

I'm assuming your baby settles with his dad? If so, it's perfectly understandable that this might make you upset and feel a bit useless. When you try to take the baby back are you therefore a bit agitated and still emotional? This could explain why DH is reluctant to hand him straight over, which might in turn increase your agitation and then it becomes a viscous circle.

You definitely need to talk this through when you're both calm and only then can you gauge if DH is being supportive or there's more to it. Unless of course he already displays controlling/abusive behaviour in other aspects of your relationship - which only you would know.

He's the baby's dad just as much as you are his mum, why does he need to give him back to you? I do think you sound like you need some help as this does not seem normal, it may well be that you are suffering from pnd.

@Kdubs1981
This abusive and controlling and needs to stop immediately.
Do not feel bad about crying when the baby cries. This is normal (don't let anyone tell you different) and there is nothing wrong with it.

Crying when your baby cries is NOT a normal reaction.

Although WANTING to cry when your baby is crying IS often a very normal reaction!!. ................... but there's a difference.

Parenting means understanding your child's needs and meeting them - not just crying in sympathy.

Said with kindness OP - if you are crying in response to your baby's needs then you may need additional support to help you cope with the huge changes that a new baby brings.

And your DH is probably recognising this and wanting to make sure that you're able to cope? - and that your baby's needs are being met. After all, he is also DC's parent and equally entiled to make a decision?

I'm not sure that a mother who cries when her child cries is meeting a baby's needs? ......... xx

Also just to say does your wee one have any signs of cmpa or tongue tie? For mine it was tongue tie related and it was much better when this was released.

Things that helped massively were using the wonky winding technique, I fed ds lying facing me on his left hand side so he could burp while feeding in the evening and at night, skin to skin and a warm bath. It's really really hard and it's important that you allow yourself to step back now and then.

I'm not sure about this tbh op.

Ds had awful colic and would have cried for hours most nights and not being able to do anything but rock him and hold him was awful. I cried many times but tbh that's when my husband at the time would have stepped in and taken over. It didn't feel great but actually he needed to tap in for a bit and I needed to go and clear my head for 30 minutes and then we swapped again. I think listening to baby cry for over an hour is an awful lot for anyone op. Like really that's distressing. And as the dad I think he should be stepping in and doing his bit to try and settle baby as well. I also think if I refused to let him help he would have got annoyed and defensive with me so I can understand why you're maybe getting the reaction you are. It's ok to let him help you. I bf ds and if you've been trying to settle him repeatedly for over an hour and bf isn't working then actually I think it's probably best for both of you to step away. I imagine it's also not easy for your dh to sit listening to that for over an hour in another room feeling totally useless.

I think you need to agree a strategy for this together so you're not dealing with it in the heat of the moment. Stbxh and I had a 30 min agreement where we'd each take turns trying to settle ds for 30 min then the other would take over. And I think you need to discuss the language he's using... "op I want to take over and help you've been at this a long time" is fine (but you also need to let that be fine and let him help), whereas "you're not coping" is not fine.

Yes i will ask would his take on this be totally different to yours?

What is the background to this?

You need to get to the bottom of what causes the crying - get back to the GP so they can investigate whether the child is unwell / in pain due to colic etc. Then you need to learn to deal with the crying in an adult way and remain calm - getting distressed will not help - maybe you need to get help with your own mental health.
DH may be trying to help even if he's not doing it very well - if he sees you coping better he may feel less need to intervene.

Why did you have a child with a man that you don't want near the said child he tries to help he is in the wrong he doesn't help he is in the wrong bar bringing home a wage packet can the poor man do anything right

Why on earth should he ask if he can hold and care of the baby? It’s his baby?

I find it strange that you cry just because your baby is crying, and in that moment, you probably aren't the best person to be trying to calm a crying baby. Babies feed of their mothers emotions so actually DH is actually trying to help because your both crying.

Our third baby had reflux and I only realised quite late. Once she had medication it was fine, and she only needed it for about 3-4 weeks.

But also, not sure if this has been said, depending on whether you breastfeed, the baby can smell you and so if the partner takes the baby, it can be less frantic (assuming the baby is already well fed and nourished properly!) as the baby can no longer smell you and cry for you as the 'supplier of food'.

I think a few people have been unduly negative here; he may be trying to help but also navigating the early days of parenting and not brilliantly able to express what he's trying to do. I think the first few weeks of parenting need a huge amount of understanding from both sides and very few expectations of one another, other than you're both on the same team and trying to do your best with untold exhaustion and heightened emotions on both ends of the scale!

Support each other and don't stop communicating.

Taking turns with the baby makes sense if he doesn’t want to feed and won’t stop crying. You insisting on taking him back without having had a proper break after reaching your limit doesn’t really make sense. You’re both his parents and you’re not the only person who can provide comfort. Maybe your DH feels like you don’t trust him when you try to take the baby back even when you’re clearly in need of a break.

I think it would be much better if you leave the house, walk around the block, reset yourself emotionally and wait quite a lot longer before offering to take over again, instead of making yourself into a martyr and probably making your DH feel useless.

He probably doesn't like listening to the baby crying either, then you start crying too so he steps in. I don't think you should insist he gives the baby back 5 mins later it's his baby too, he probably wants to spend some time trying to comfort them as well

Sorry just realised you said 12 weeks and not 12 months. Ignore what I said about giving a bigger dinner. It’s absolutely normal for baby to be crying in the evening and trying to up your supply at nearly 3 months. Baby is still really new and you and your partner are both still new to parenthood and knackered. It’s great that husband can if he can take baby when you are struggling and need a 10-20 min break but it’s unreasonable not to give baby back as a hungry bf baby is not going to settle for a long period of time without the boob. Have a look on la leche league website and on the Facebook support group ‘Facebook yummy mummies’ and show some of the info on how babies crying/breastfeeding works so that he can understand the importance of handing baby back at times when baby will need feeding. Everyone is different; some breast empty in a few minutes and some over 30+ so it really might just be a case of offering longer feeds, making sure you offer both breasts, if you stop feeding from one breast to soon the baby might not be getting to the higher fat content milk etc etc

What ever the cause (if it is an allergy or tongue tie etc) I agree with other posters that you will get more helpful advice posting in a breastfeeding specific section or a dedicated breastfeeding site.

With regards to your husband, yes he is being unreasonable because he could be settling baby or helping with baby at other times of day that would be more useful to your circumstances and leave you less at the end of your tether when baby is cluster feeding and fussing/crying in the evenings.

A red flag? Controlling ? He's taking the baby to settle because op starts crying...she goes and has 5 minutes and wants the baby back, maybe he thinks she needs more time to actually relax before going straight back into a situation that's just made her cry?