Email from ex?

Firstly, sorry to hear you're going through this. It's not fair and it's stressful. It's sad but I would definitely keep a paper trail. Do you have any financial agreements in place yet? I would also seek some support and advice from organisations local to you. A good friend has been through a similar situation with her ex but as it involved coercive control there were other layers to it. As a first port of call you could talk with your health visitor who could signpost some local support. Legal advice can be expensive but there are charities and other organisations which have lots of experience in this area who can point you in the right direction with all of the facts in place.

It sounds like you want your child's best interests to be at the heart of the arrangement and this is key. Absolutely keep a record of your communications and examples of where you've offered him time with the child and he's refused for his own convenience. Keep a tally of the days and nights. Keep a record (if you don't already) of any payments you've received for child support.

I have a step daughter who's been in my life since she was a baby and is now an adult. We were 23 when we were sorting out this kind of thing and having a clear plan for who had her when and an agreement about the money (all agreed between her parents, I wrote a letter of agreement for them to sign and sent to Child Maintenance Service so they'd have a record and made sure it was all done through a standing order so there was a bank record of all payments - her mum knew what to expect and my husband knew the % of his earnings that went to her monthly. When we had children he didn't change this % out of choice. We live close to her mum and up until Covid when she was a young teen she would stay with us on at least one weekend night and Wednesday nights - this meant her mum could go to her hobby midweek and also meant that we got to know her class teachers and school friends by doing the school drop offs etc. It's changed now but not through any fallings out, she works full time and her parents aren't the main characters in her life anymore but having something really clear helped build a foundation. And yes, both ways we had to have some flexibility for special occasions and events - like neither parent kicked up a fuss over holidays or weddings and even though we've never had her on Christmas Day we make a special family day on Christmas Eve and that's been a tradition for the last 18 years which our wider families also love.

You don't need all that detail sorry, I just wanted to show that people don't have to be complete d*s about which parent a child is with and when. It sounds like your ex is making it far more difficult that it needs to be and the best way to arm your self is with information gathering and support. If he decides he wants to go a legal route it will help you to have all your ducks in a row now.

I wouldn't reply. You've got texts as evidence of dates agreed etc

If he really wanted to be a consistent dad and see his child; he could have.
He could also attend mediation with you - then take you to court if he was so bothered.

The fact he's jumped straight to 50/50 makes me think -:

A) he wants out of paying maintenance
And
B) he has a new gf in the scene so needs to be "super dad"

If he was that bothered about being a 50% parent he would have been consistent and in the picture previously.

He's not even on the birth certificate, so I'd not reply. If he cares so muhc, he can get his name on there as a first step.

Anything you say can and will be used against you - and drama llamas like him love to think they are messing with your head. Ignoring him is a hard boundary of 'no headfucks here'.

I'm in the 'new girlfriend' camp too. Let them play their silly games without you joining in.

I was going to say the exact same thing.

Op my ex used to send emails of that nature which were factually inaccurate. It was because of his new supply and he had to be seen as the hard done by “Dad”. Like a few others have said just email back politely stating the actual facts. Make sure you email everything and have a folder to save them to. You could title it Jackanory, or use mine Disney.

My ex is shite too op. I'm guessing he's thinking if it looks like he's asking for 50/50 he won't have to pay child support. Or he's playing the victim to someone and trying to make out he's only a rubbish dad because you are preventing him. Your email is fine. Tell him you are happy to continue to facilitate contact and confirm he's still on for the dates you've agreed. Id bet money he won't take this to court and will struggle with every other weekend never mind 50/50.

My daughter does now see my ex every weekend but only because I've bent over backwards to facilitate for 11 years, even when I had a no contact order against him, and only because my ex MIL who he's lived with for years really does all the work.

This ⬆Word for Word!

Read the email without emotion, what exactly is he asking, what specific question has he asked?

I presume he's probably not asked you anything if you really read it, probably lots of waffle and statements.

If there are no specific questions then don't bother responding.

Im sure he's just told you he wants 50/50 rather than asking and proposing any start dates etc. he can tell you what he wants, but unless he's asked anything there's no point in responding.

If he starts getting shorty ask him for a solicitors letter, and for that to go to your solicitor.

It’s this.

There's a woman on here whose ex (of over 10 years) has been sending her actual solicitor's letters, demanding she pay him for things like: her engagement ring, the cost of "storing" their joint DC's stuff post divorce, her "share" of petrol from trips they took while they were still married.... the list goes on.

These men are crazy and irrational and delusional. Until he actually takes yo to court (or you want to take him), most of what he says and does and threatens can be ignored.

^ I agree ! Smells like new lady

I am not suggesting you take my advice - but a part of me thinks that as he hasn’t got PR and isn’t on the BC - just do nothing. Leave the ball firmly in his court. Emails are not court ordered. You do not need to respond. Wait for him to make the next move.

I definitely think he has a new GF on the scene and has rolled out the "my ex never lets me see my DC line" for sympathy/to "prove" he's not a shit dad.

I would keep it short and say something like:

Dear Ex,
This is excellent news, I'm so pleased you've decided to step up and be the father our child deserves.

I am confused though as in our recent correspondence (attached) we agreed to EOW and then you stated multiple dates that you couldn't do - are you now saying you can do those dates? It would be great if you can; consistency is key!

Also, the last time we spoke you didn't have a car seat/crib/nappies/etc at your home; presumably you have purchased all of these now and are ready to go?

I was disheartened that you cancelled your time with X last Sat, but am looking forward to you picking him up on Sat with your new car seat.

As you know he's breastfed to sleep so will need to be home by Y time on Sat.

I look forward to a happy co-parenting relationship with you.

OP

I think a slightly shortened version of your draft sounds fab. Just keep it brief and factual and don't for a second let him see that he's riled you!

Add a line like,

"If you'd like to move towards achieving 50/50 care, please let me know how you plan to do this, considering that you live an hour away which would make logistics, especially for school/nursery, quite difficult."

50/50 is pretty classic as a way to get out of child maintenance so that's probably where this is coming from. Probalby not in this email, but at some point you could point out that with 50/50 care, it's his responsibility to manage childcare and all other associated costs during his time!

He can want what he wants. It needs to be in DC best interests. At the moment he needs to demonstrate consistency not be stumping his feet and trying to show you who's boss with a bullshit email.

If you want to start having DC overnight, it's important that both of you are comfortable with that, and that you have the right equipment (crib, feeding implements etc). Once that is in place and you have established reliable consistent contact I' ll be happy to agree to overnights on a regular basis.

Honestly I think that's too long and unnecesary and I really don't see why you need a solicitor at this point (although talking to one is never a bad thing I guess).

Dear Ex,

I am confused to receive this email as we have been trying to make arrangements for DC and have agreed to build up to EOW. I certainly have not been preventing you having meaningful contact with DC, and I note that when we were still in a relationship, I was consistently asking you to spend MORE time with us. Since then, I have regularly asked you to have DC, and you have refused. I have faciltiated contact, including bringing him to you at your work or to see your family, while you have regularly refused to see him and have not turned up when you said you would.

If you want to start having DC overnight, it's important that both of you are comfortable with that, and that you have the right equipment (crib, feeding implements etc). Once that is in place, I'll be happy to agree to overnights on a regular basis.

No matter what, do not suggest that you have been trying ot build his confidence, and that asking him to have the baby while you are doing other things is for his benefit. He will use that as a stick to beat you with.

That’s a great email, you’re on the right track OP, Now Start researching for good lawyers in your area.