Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

It's a dereliction of parental duty not to set boundaries for our kids. Eating chocolate for breakfast everyday and burgers for every evening meal: such a great idea isn't it? As is having their noses buried in screens from dawn to dusk, or being taught they can have a tanty and instantly get their own way about anything they want.

Children feel securer with boundaries in place. They trust adults to set these boundaries and in some cases its highly detrimental to their wellbeing not to do so; sometimes for reasons of safety. We are our children's parents. That unfortunately means playing bad cop sometimes, it means being a spoil sport sometimes; because we are the adults trusted to act in our children's own best interests. We are not there to be their best friends.

That this is now deemed 'controlling' seems fairly typical of some of the franky silly attitudes on this thread. Then again, it's AIBU and on this board people will say just about anything to get a rise out of an OP.

When I was at school there were no smart phones. There was also no swapping about of inappopriate photos of girls, or online bullying reaching into their homes. Home had a landline and I could talk to my peers any time I wanted.

I certainly wasn't isolated from my peers, nor did I experience a detrimental impact on my mental health.

We did, however, get out from in front of the TV screen and see each other face to face.

Wonder which set of kids got the healthier childhood?

On that point the book Toxic Childhood makes very interesting reading.

Yes if the rules are controlling then they are controlling. Whether they are followed is another story.

So if you expect your child to follow your rules, whatever they are, you are also being 'controlling', Yes?

My 16 yo dd has not viewed any sort of inappropriate material on her phone. How do I know? I look.

Disallowing teens from having phones is isolating them from their peers, which can have an equally poor effect on their mental health.

Idk how old the teen nephew is. My gut would think he’s an adult or near as damn. I think you may be in for a rude awakening as your ds gets older. As teens get older, parenting is increasingly by consent.

I wonder how all these 'pro' phone posters (who seem to be unnecessarily aggressive about phone use) would take to being told how to parent their children if it was about something else other than phones...

The nephew isn't the only rude one...

For being daft about a child looking at something on a phone, it's very controlling.

And if their parents don't see the need, then they don't.

Are you seeing all the evidence about how bad they are for them?

People parent how they want to.

What for?

The kid needs dealing with - very very rude

And FiL needs to mind his own business

What a depressing birthday 'celebrating' this must have been for your son OP.

Would have been decent entertainment for neighbouring tables though

Well not really, he probably couldn't believe his ears that someone was allowed to look at something on his phone.

Thank you. These dilemmas do sometimes seem so difficult as a parent, but this seems to me one of the usual benefits versus risks assessments we all have to employ in many areas of life. To me, the former far outweigh the latter and particularly in cases where kids are known to be vulnerable.

More than anything, it's the tragic case of Brianna Ghey that put the fear of the gods into me as a mum. The content that her fifteen-year-old killers were viewing, the IT experts who commented on the case about how they were able to access such material, the dangers of putting risky content of yourself out online for a public audience, the implications of having a TOR browser on their device, clearly brought those risks into stark perspective. It was horrifying.

In my house it's a clear case of 'parents say no', and DH is very much of a mind with me on this. He (DC) is not having one of these things until he's a good deal older, and I don't care in the least what 'other parents' do.

PFB? Absolutely. I own it.

I think you could have let this one slide. I totally get the lack of phones at mealtimes - but not in this situation.

Probably a little bit humiliating for your son in front of his older cousin, especially on his birthday. Maybe start with a chat with him, with an apology.

As for the family, I hope you can all get over it soon. It's a pretty small thing in the grand scheme of things.

Sorry - I meant a change from the usual one-sided views we've come to expect on AIBU threads! Not you as a poster personally 😳

No, the obnoxious cousin caused the problem, if a child speaks like that to his Aunt then I would expect the parents to step in. You'll know in future who to avoid at family events.

Nothing to apologise for, has the odious older cousin apologised as he was the one who caused the problem?

• You then openly criticised another parent by asking them to intervene with the nephew...YABU

Some people think they are the only one who should discipline their child. I thought OP was trying to avoid disciplining someone else’s child in their presence, which could be seen as disrespectful. I think she should have tackled the rude little shit myself, but I’m from a different culture and can’t stand rude children.

@SerafinasGoose

Kudos to you. I think in 20 years' time people will look back at the way our society encouraged uncontrolled access to the internet for young people with utter horror.

If my teen DNephew had spoken to me like that I'd have handed him his arse on a plate!

But complaining to his mother at the table and
Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.
seems very drama llama. So YABU.

ha, thanks!! I do try 😂

A fine, balanced post. Makes a refreshing change.

Hmm, there's a lot to this one. It's tough by the nature that it was in public and your sons birthday, kinda both leans towards being slightly more lenient, however at the end of the day you tried to uphold the boundary and then everything that happened after wasn't great.

• You tried to uphold a rule/boundary you have with your child...YANBU
• However it was in public and on his birthday, and upholding the boundary kinda inadvertently meant disciplining/admonishing the nephews behaviour...so whilst I hate that this...society would say YABU.
• You then openly criticised another parent by asking them to intervene with the nephew...YABU
• You experienced various family members openly undermining you whilst you expressed that boundary...tough without being there and experiencing the tone etc whether or not maybe they thought you were being overly rude but honestly anyone getting further involved and not just smoothing it over/moving on feels antagonistic so YANBU
• Your husband isn't backing you up on something which is a rule for your household...again tough given that we don't know if you were maybe very rude to his whole family, but really if the rule for you guys is phones away when the food comes out then on that bit at least he should have your back and YANBU.

So yeah on balance, wouldn't have taken on the SIL right there at the table personally but equally tough to not look like a total pushover in front of the kids. I don't think YABU.

It was a one off for your son. Id of let it slide to not cause a problem in that situation

You handled this badly.

it was your son’s birthday and his older cooler cousin showed him something on a phone! You overreacted and embarrassed him! Then told on the 15? Year old.

its fine to have a no phones at the table rule on the house but you sound extremely controlling. This was HIS birthday party.

i think you need to relax before you damage your relationship with this kid long term. If you are this uptight over a phone you have a world of pain coming in the teen years.

your nephew sounds awesome😎