Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

If her SIL's son is being rude and trying to override OPs parenting decisions then yes she should ask his mother to speak to her son.

If OP told him off then SIL would probably get mad at her for "speaking to my son like that" wouldn't she?

So are you suggesting her only option was to keep quiet and listen to a spoilt brat giving her son permission for something she told him not to do?

My daughter understands that different households have different rules and she would never tell another child she is giving her permission to ignore and disobey the child's mother but somehow this is fine for mumsnet. It seems some of you are caught up with the strict phone rules and as I said I'm a bit more lax about it but the core issue here is people thinking they have the right to be rude and challenge her parenting decisions.

But when 99% of the responses go a certain way, that's telling of whether people think you were right or wrong. I'd listen to the majority and realise I was OTT.

There nothing to feel small about unless she was yelling at him or telling him off. It was a simple request to put the phone aside and focus on his meal and if the ride nephew didn't make it his business to parent he child it would be a non issue.

You're really trying to justify her nephew "giving him permission"? Seriously?

I agree with this post. It sounds like pretty much everyone involved could’ve handled some aspect or other of their interaction better. You certainly weren’t some poor innocent victim set upon by all your in laws, op, so if I were you, I’d rein in the ‘survival mode’ nonsense and adopt the least said, soonest mended mindset.

no really

you’ve posted a comment that really does cover new ground

😆

Grow up.

Your child your rules.(and dhs)

Cousin is a rude little shit he shouldn't be speaking to anyone like that.

A better strategy going forward would be to ignore cousin and just politely ask son to hand phone back.

How you end this situation is up to you. If you want to make peace an 'I'm sorry things got out of hand' could work or you could leave it and let things cool.

I'd be disappointed your dh didn't back you at the time or after. Is he against the phone rule?

you are truly amazing and we bow down to your wisdom

Yeah, for sure. Not having a smart phone will really isolate you from your peers and affect your mental health.

Whereas up until 20 or so years ago successive generations of schoolkids have managed just fine.

Groundbreaking revelations indeed, eh?

groundbreaking @SerafinasGoose

just groundbreaking

😆

I don’t know what the point of this history lesson is especially when I am a child of the 70s. Toxic childhoods are not created by having phones. It’s what the children are allowed to do with their phones.

That's very fair actually, the whole point of the thread was how to move on. Not a review or opinion sharing on what can no longer be changed.

I haven't agreed with that either. I've said on numerous occasions that the situation was handled poorly and the other boy's mother should not have been dragged in. The cousin, however, behaved disgracefully and he needed to be pulled up. That should have been the job of his parents, who singularly failed to do it. And FiL's reaction and undermining of her parenting was totally disproportionate.

OP's behaviour doesn't justify or excuse theirs. It was an unedifying show all round and what the OP is now asking for advice as to how she moves on from this.

For the sake of family relations a convenient loss of memory all round might be advisable. The one I'd be staying well away from in the future, were I in OP's shoes, is FiL, whose behaviour IMO was a major overstep.

i do not allow phones at the table

but the other day my tween DD had her friend over and they were eating dinner and her friend got her phone out and began showing some clips on it

the daughter looked at me and her eyes pleaded with me not to say anything

i turned away and didn’t say one word.

There’s a time and place to impose rules such as this and a birthday celebration for your teen son, sitting next to his older cousin… was NOT one of them

👏👏👏

I took it kindly...but okay. :D

My opinion is my opinion. I wouldn't make my child feel so small in front of people. If I had an issue I'd calmly talk it through when home.

Actually I think you were right and you shouldn't apologise.

My kids don't use phones at a table in a restaurant, especially as the meal is just being served. It's rude!

They use them everywhere else though, so to stop for a meal isn't expecting much.

And how rude of your son's cousin! He can't give your son authority. His mum should have told him so too!

I'm not saying I agree with kids sitting on devices endlessly, what I disagree with it OP ridiculing her child in front of people for no good reason.

It didn't give OP the right to publicly tell her SIL to rein in her child, either.

OP caused a scene over nothing and spoiled her son's birthday meal.

Your option about being embarrassed for her and the child or having different parenting standards is all well and good but that does not give you any justification to be rude to her or tell her to shut up or her nephew being so rude I would be a lot more embarrassed if my son was so rude compared to OP insisting her son does not use a phone at the dinner table.

Albeit this thread has strayed into an interesting general digression about kids' use of devices and parental input, we are not discussing my individual boundaries, 'crazy' or otherwise.

They are of no interest to this thread or to you, and there is no need to make this discussion personal.

Again, to those of you who think OP did the right thing by making a scene about the phone...as an adult who doesn't get their phone out at the table, would you really tell a friend who tried to show you a photo of their grandchild over lunch, that you won't look and to put their phone away? I would never do that, and I think it's expecting a lot of a young teen to say that to their cousin. Frankly it would also be very rude, whether said by him or by an adult. When someone wants to connect by sharing something, you don't cut them off by disapproving of the medium they use.

@SerafinasGoose you're comparing glancing at something on a phone that someone is showing you to eating chocolate every morning and burgers every evening? As an adult, I wouldn't eat chocolate every morning or burgers every evening, but if someone showed me something on their phone I'd damn well look at it because no one would be telling me I can't. I treat my kids how I like to be treated. Their boundaries mirror what I'd be willing to do or not do myself, as they are growing into mature young adults. Sitting playing on his own phone and ignoring everyone at the table is totally different to someone saying hey look at this and you look.

Well anyway, you crack on with your crazy boundaries. I'm sure they work for you, like mine work for me.