To ignore Christmas

But I personally disagree with spending £5-£10 because it's just filler crap no one needs

It's for one person and we all agreed. Each year people can choose to be init or not. It's a choice not a mandate.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy £100 is a huge amount to spend on someone, and creates a massive obligation. And pressure to ‘get it right’. If a £5 present doesn’t quite hit the mark, no problem. But £100?

Do a family secret Santa. Budget £100. You get given a nice gift and give a nice gift.

It’s family I (mostly) want to avoid at Xmas. I don’t want or need anything at all, least of all just because “it’s December 25th”, FFS.

Do a family secret Santa. Budget £100. You get given a nice gift and give a nice gift.

Regarding the meal: it sounds like you've built it up to be a much bigger deal than it actually is. It's like you want it to be super special but everyone else is happy to go with the flow?

It is frustrating not to have invites reciprocated. Me and DH tend to be the hosts, even with friends but I think we are just good hosts!

We were in Asia one Christmas and we didn’t even remember it was Christmas Day until late afternoon.

I feel really terrible for you.

I was talking to my GP recently about a specific obligation I have, something similar to yours, and it just kind of slipped out due to frustration. But my GP just said ‘well you don’t have to do that. Lots of people don’t. There’s nothing wrong with that’ and it really surprised me, the way she normalised not doing it.

Honestly, I would recommend talking it over with a counsellor (I know, I know) but they are very good at observing in a detached way and asking questions, almost requesting you to justify your feelings about things. You know deep down that you don’t see your mother every day. You know she can cope with that. You also know that if you were (eg) Jewish or Muslim you probably wouldn’t give that day a second thought. You and her would be focussing on another day instead. People put a lot onto the ‘one day’ as if there are no other ‘one days’. I’ve spent many christmases working in hospitals, and there are efforts made to have a Christmas dinner, nice toiletries brought round for the patients, tv is free all day etc. But not many visitors as obviously no busses, taxis are expensive and people at home might have other obligations. You deserve to lounge around all day eating chocolate all day or whatever else you fancy doing. No one will sacrifice their Christmases for you in the future.

@FourChimneys How weird, I was just thinking about mowing the lawn earlier today (I hadn’t seen your comment) and I was thinking if I would include it in ‘normal jobs to do on Christmas day’ and came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t because it wouldn’t be the right weather for it! But, yes, that is a perfect example of that kind of thing.

MeAgainAndAgain One year when we had had mild weather I mowed the lawns on Christmas morning.

If you have younger children I think.its nice tonl do sometjing more traditional. If not then opt out completely - our favourite Christmas was 2.weeks in Thailand with zero Xmas festivities. Just arrange it and make it happen!

I think I understand why you feel like that.
your family essentially treated your house like a restaurant, turning up just to eat, rather than visiting loved ones. I’d be a bit miffed too.

Fab and then when someone mentions coming to yours "sorry we've not planned anything to eat, you'll have to bring food with you if you want anything"

I wish it were that simple. I’ve never said anything about Xmas, but I have mentioned before about Mothers/Father’s Day and parents birthdays that are also left to me. DSis just said I wasn’t obliged to celebrate these occasions with the parents, it’s my choice, but she won’t be going there because (pick your excuse) I don’t want to spend Mother’s Day in the car, I can’t afford the petrol, her DDs have already booked a restaurant, etc etc. My DHs birthday sometimes falls on Fathers day but we were still expected to do something with our dad. It sounds awful, but my dad has very recently died so next Father’s Day will just be for DH to be spoilt by our DDs.
DB will always be with his DPs parents on these occasions because she is an only child.
it also annoys me because neither of them will contribute towards going out for the day or lunch etc (because it’s my choice!!!) so it costs me a fortune as well,
I just can’t bear the idea that people that have a family should be left alone on these significant days.

@Fireangels I second everyone encouraging you to say something this year. Now is an ideal time to start, there’s plenty of time for other people to incorporate your mum into their plans.

@FourChimneys I love little nuggets of strangeness like that! There were statistics about New Years Day, plus the Christmas season as a whole too. It bugs me that there were some years I couldn’t find the answer too though. If I did a tax return I’d definitely save it up for Christmas Day!

I really like the idea of normalising ordinariness on Christmas Day and the days surrounding it. Want to scrub your floor? Want to wash your curtains, wash your car, sort out a new electricity provider? Go for it!

@Fireangels - Could you talk to your siblings now about it? Tell them how you feel? How do you get on with them generally?

30 years ago DS had small children and I didn’t blame her for not wanting to spend 2 hours in the car on Xmas morning or having to bring the kids gifts and stockings to the parents on Xmas eve. I live close to the parents so it just fell to me. Even after I had my kids a few years later. It’s only more recently that I’ve started to feel aggrieved that both siblings are able to decide how they’d like to spend Xmas knowing full well that I can’t do the same.

And in really sorry for your loss, @Fireangels.

Yes, @Fireangels , that's the situation now, but presumably 30 years ago your parents were in good health?

You could have had a discussion over these years about Christmas and what you wanted to do.

Easier said than done. I couldn’t leave my parents to fend for themselves. They were both in poor health, and my dad died 7 weeks ago after having been bedridden for the last 4 years. Mum is now on her own. For decades I have been there for them and the siblings know if I decided to go away or stay home with my adult kids I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I think they’re incredibly selfish but I know that I will never be able to decide how I’d like to spend Xmas until my mum is no longer here,

You can't control what everyone else does. All you can control is what YOU do.

If your siblings don't want to host your parents, why do you have to?

It sounds like you have been a martyr for 30 years. You don't have to do that.

Absolutely do it as it sounds like so much stress for you

My poor father and step mum have always hosted her mother and any other stragglers. Usually my step brother and my brother if he's in the country. One year all the guests got hammered, my brother had to apologise the next day so did the now Ex GF and my dad was very hurt by it all. He said never again and the last few years they've gone away. Hurts a little bit as he misses out on my kids opening their presents. We had nothing to do with the spat years ago, weren't even there. If he's around though they get guilt tripped into everyone being on the own and end up hosting.

Go on holiday to somewhere hot. It's fantastic.

Just tell your family you're having a quiet Christmas just the two of you this year. Or that you're going away.

Then have a lovely day doing what you want.

Your DH sounds a bit of a martyr with the cooking though, to me it's just a fancy Sunday roast.