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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not saying good night?

131 replies

safeatd · 15/09/2024 23:43

My boyfriend lives with a female room mate. Shes alright, we’re not friends though but will chat if we’re in the same room.

Tonight me and my boyfriend have been out, I’ve come in tired, gone straight to the bedroom and in to bed. He has gone in the living room to say hi to her and her friend.

Thye live in an apartment, the bathroom and his bedroom are the first rooms so I’ve not walked by or through a room and ignored them. But apparently my boyfriend is annoyed because I look rude and she’s also commented that I’m rude.

I

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:03

Dobest · 16/09/2024 09:53

There may be something to be said in favour of people knowing who is staying in their flat.

But- manners shmanners! I cannot see any obligation to burst into the living room shouting "Hallo!," waving and kissing everybody goodnight.

Yeah I agree. Whoever’s house it is deserves to know who staying over. I suppose I just assumed in this situation my boyfriend would have said.

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 10:58

DaniMontyRae · 16/09/2024 09:57

Expecting your bf to always side with you even when he thinks you're in the wrong is red flag behaviour. There is nothing red flag about him.

Show quote history

I don’t expect anyone to always take my side. But a partner should have your back.

if the roles were reversed I would have apologised to room mate that she felt this way and asked what she expects from people staying over to avoid it in future.

I wouldn’t slag off my partner in front of people. I’d discuss any issues in private.

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 10:55

Growlybear83 · 16/09/2024 00:59

I think you were extremely rude not to just go into the living room of the flatmate was still up, say hello, and that you were really tired and were going to bed. It is the flatmate's home, not yours, but you seem to be treating it as your own. No-one is suggesting that you need to go to speak to everyone who was still up, but I think that it's just the most basic of manners to at least greet someone when you are staying in their home.

You were very snappy in telling another poster that you don't stay at your boyfriend's flat several times a week, and then said that you DO stay for two or three nights - is that not several?

I can see why your boyfriend did not stick up for you - he was probably quite embarrassed by your rudeness, which is also coming across in many of your responses.

How am I treating it as my own exactly?

If it was a one off that I was staying with a host then of course I’d acknowledge them. But staying there 2-3 nights, I’m not going out of my way to go seek her out to be externally grateful she allows me to stay.

As mentioned her boyfriend is there at least 5 nights and he doesn’t seek my boyfriend out to tuck him into bed and read him a goodnight story.

If there’s an issue with people staying then that’s between them two and for them to discuss and set rules. And I will happily stick to them.

As long as I respect the place, don’t leave it messy and I’m polite to everyone in the house. I really don’t believe I owe anyone anything more.

OP posts:
angellinaballerina7 · 16/09/2024 09:57

It wouldn’t have hurt to say hi - she was in a shared space! At least then if she was saying she found you rude, your boyfriend wouldn’t find it so easy to agree with her.

DaniMontyRae · 16/09/2024 09:57

safeatd · 16/09/2024 00:30

Thank you. And yeah that’s unfortunately a red flag about him not taking my side.

Show quote history

Expecting your bf to always side with you even when he thinks you're in the wrong is red flag behaviour. There is nothing red flag about him.

Dobest · 16/09/2024 09:53

There may be something to be said in favour of people knowing who is staying in their flat.

But- manners shmanners! I cannot see any obligation to burst into the living room shouting "Hallo!," waving and kissing everybody goodnight.

DesigningWoman · 16/09/2024 09:01

armadillio · 16/09/2024 08:54

Have you missed that the housemate boyfriend stays over more than OP does?

Why haven’t you asked if he pops his head round to say hello to OP’s boyfriend?

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Because the OP doesn’t indicate that the flatmate’s boyfriend’s behaviour causes any irritation to the OP’s boyfriend? Her behaviour at her boyfriend’s flat is causing irritation. And in her OP, @safeatd specifies that her boyfriend also thinks she’s being rude. It’s not just his flatmate. She is creating friction in the flat, and both the people who live there think she’s being rude.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 08:54

DesigningWoman · 16/09/2024 08:47

It really isn’t. Having done my share of living in flatshares, as I said above, the rude, frequently-staying-over boyfriend/girlfriend is one of the top five causes of fallings out, along with not doing the washing up, food stealing, disparity in room size, bathroom hogging, noise etc etc.

The sex of the person is irrelevant. If someone is spending two or three nights a week sleeping in someone’s flat where they are not paying rent, it behaves them to be polite to the other people actually living there. Stocking your head around the door to say hi isn't much to ask.

Show quote history

Have you missed that the housemate boyfriend stays over more than OP does?

Why haven’t you asked if he pops his head round to say hello to OP’s boyfriend?

DesigningWoman · 16/09/2024 08:47

armadillio · 16/09/2024 08:35

If OP were male, there would be no way she would be expected to open the living room door, go in and say hello to the housemate and then go out and go into the bedroom.

This entire expectation is based around the fact of OP being female.

No one would expect the housemate’s boyfriend to go in and say hello on his way to the bedroom.

Females are socialised to be polite and to think of others above themselves.

It really isn’t. Having done my share of living in flatshares, as I said above, the rude, frequently-staying-over boyfriend/girlfriend is one of the top five causes of fallings out, along with not doing the washing up, food stealing, disparity in room size, bathroom hogging, noise etc etc.

The sex of the person is irrelevant. If someone is spending two or three nights a week sleeping in someone’s flat where they are not paying rent, it behaves them to be polite to the other people actually living there. Stocking your head around the door to say hi isn't much to ask.

MountUnpleasant · 16/09/2024 08:35

YANBU for not saying goodnight. I wouldn't care at all if I was the flatmate.

YABU for getting annoyed at someone assuming you spend several nights a week there, and then confirming that you do in fact spend several nights a week there.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 08:35

If OP were male, there would be no way she would be expected to open the living room door, go in and say hello to the housemate and then go out and go into the bedroom.

This entire expectation is based around the fact of OP being female.

No one would expect the housemate’s boyfriend to go in and say hello on his way to the bedroom.

Females are socialised to be polite and to think of others above themselves.

Maddy70 · 16/09/2024 08:32

Yes. Pop uour head around the door and say hi. I'm off to bed. Night! Just basic manners

DesigningWoman · 16/09/2024 08:32

safeatd · 16/09/2024 00:18

I don’t spend several nights a week there. Why have you made that assumption? That’s a really odd thing to do.

I spend 2-3 and he is equally at mine. She also has a boyfriend that probably stays over most nights.

I also am civil with her, if we’re in communal spaces and hanging out then I’ll make conversation etc. No idea why when I just want to get into bed do I need to come in and say good night to her and her friend.

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Because you’re a guest in her home!

And you’ve just confirmed you spend several nights a week at the flat!

Just4thisthreadtoday · 16/09/2024 08:29

@safeatd

I spend 2-3 and he is equally at mine. She also has a boyfriend that probably stays over most nights

I would never stay over 3 days a week

🤨 You're writing this.... not us!

I’m a guest in their house so it’s rude apparently to not seek out everyone who is awake to go and wish them a good night.

Except no one said that. They were in the communal stea

But I do think it’s unfair that I’m in somehow indebted to her that it’s expected I come in and say goodnight to her

it's called having good manners.

Are you ND? If you are I can understand why you're struggling.

  • I don’t need to do anymore*

then why ask if YABU??

You do if you don't want to piss your boyfriend off & make yourself unwelcome 🤷🏻‍♀️

Riapia · 16/09/2024 08:12

You’re right OP. But you already knew that.
Bet you’re always right aren’t you?
😉😁😁

Just4thisthreadtoday · 16/09/2024 08:07

safeatd · 16/09/2024 00:21

Why would I contribute to expenses?

Is this a thing? When you date someone and spend 2/3 nights a week there you’re suppose to contribute to their living expenses?

He stays at mine equal amounts and I wouldn’t be asking him to pay me.

Show quote history

@safeatd

yes. If you're staying in a flat share, frequently, it's normal to contribute, because they pay half the bills each, so why should she pay half of the bills you add to!

if her boyfriend stays a lot too, then it all evens out & isn't an issue,

are you in a flat share?

but that aside, yes, it's rude not to say 'hi' when you go into someone else's home & they're in a communal area.

Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 07:52

"I spend 2-3 and he is equally at mine."

"I would never stay over 3 days a week."

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

GalileoHumpkins · 16/09/2024 07:20

I can't imagine anyone ever thinking you're rude OP, you're coming across as an absolute delight in your responses!

Anyonefortennistoday · 16/09/2024 07:16

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 01:01

i suspect the poster has now left...

I wouldn't blame her, considering the ott criticism she is getting on this thread from a lot if posters.

She did nothing wrong.

The issue imo is why is her bf so invested in the good opinion of a woman who is supposed to be just his flat share but whose feelings are apparently of more importance to him than his gf's?

autienotnaughty · 16/09/2024 05:41

Why do you need to speak to them. You are going to bed?

Different if you were her guest and you ignored her.

But you are there with your boyfriend it's his house too.

I think she must have commented for him to say something.

Stirmish · 16/09/2024 03:20
Grin
ouch321 · 16/09/2024 02:50

Is your boyfriend sharing a bedroom with this girl?
If not, she is his flatmate or housemate, not "room mate".

Stirmish · 16/09/2024 02:42

Clearly your BF and his flatmate get on well enough to discuss your rudeness

Your relationship is on shaky ground

Stirmish · 16/09/2024 02:38

You make them all feel uncomfortable by not getting on with his female flatmate who your boyfriend clearly gets in with very well

You're only civil to her so it's clearly awkward AF when you stay over

Point is you don't like his flatmate enough to even pop your head round the door with a hello