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Original poster

For not saying good night?

131 replies

safeatd · 15/09/2024 23:43

My boyfriend lives with a female room mate. Shes alright, we’re not friends though but will chat if we’re in the same room.

Tonight me and my boyfriend have been out, I’ve come in tired, gone straight to the bedroom and in to bed. He has gone in the living room to say hi to her and her friend.

Thye live in an apartment, the bathroom and his bedroom are the first rooms so I’ve not walked by or through a room and ignored them. But apparently my boyfriend is annoyed because I look rude and she’s also commented that I’m rude.

I

OP posts:
betterangels · 16/09/2024 12:39

Growlybear83 · 16/09/2024 00:59

I think you were extremely rude not to just go into the living room of the flatmate was still up, say hello, and that you were really tired and were going to bed. It is the flatmate's home, not yours, but you seem to be treating it as your own. No-one is suggesting that you need to go to speak to everyone who was still up, but I think that it's just the most basic of manners to at least greet someone when you are staying in their home.

You were very snappy in telling another poster that you don't stay at your boyfriend's flat several times a week, and then said that you DO stay for two or three nights - is that not several?

I can see why your boyfriend did not stick up for you - he was probably quite embarrassed by your rudeness, which is also coming across in many of your responses.

All of this. But you don't want to hear it, so I don't know why you posted.

Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 12:36

Beautiful3 · 16/09/2024 11:49

I wouldn't have thought it rude at all. As it was late, I would have assumed you'd gone to get ready for bed. Don't worry about it. Next time, go and see her and say hi, then go to bed. So you look like you're making an effort.

Yeah I will do ☺️

OP posts:
Striebel · 16/09/2024 12:34

Op, the way you write sounds quite rude and aggressive so purely extrapolating from that I can imagine why other people might call you rude.

Maybe it's just the way you write though and you are very pleasant in person. If that is the case then not going explicitly into a different room to say good night is ok, I think. It wouldn't bother me. However, now that your boyfriend and his house mate have said they want you to say good night you probably should because it doesn't cost you much. I don't think you could have been expected to know that by default.

I'm guessing your boyfriend mentioned it and you got defensive and aggressive and it spiralled from there with both of them now calling you rude for being so opposed to the notion of doing something minor for someone else rather than the initial event (which i agree is a non event).

Applesandbananaz · 16/09/2024 12:33

The real issue seems to be that within the dynamics of your boyfriend's home, you behaved in a way that both he and his flat mate felt was rude.

Personally, I'd be polite and say a quick hi and bye because I wouldn't want my partner to feel unhappy in his own home. But if this isn't for you, perhaps he's not the right one for you long term.

CurlewKate · 16/09/2024 12:29

@safeatd "Well why’s that of course not? I’m a guest in their house so it’s rude apparently to not seek out everyone who is awake to go and wish them a good night. "

Nobody said that. She was in the living room. Head round the door-"I'm off to bed now-good night" is good manners.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:22

Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 12:20

Sooner the better. Things have a tendency to escalate if left.

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Are you for real?

Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 12:20

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:04

You would be happy with your partner calling you an arse in front of other people?

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Sooner the better. Things have a tendency to escalate if left.

LonelyInDville · 16/09/2024 12:18

I think as long as you didn’t see her in person as you were passing thru then it’s all good. If you had to physically pass by her then it would’ve been rude.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:13

Aligirlbear · 16/09/2024 12:06

No not if they were in their own rooms but you said your BF went into the living room to say goodnight - so not unreasonable that you would pop your head around the door as well to say good night.

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He went in to say hi to his housemate and her friend, who he presumably knows and OP doesn’t.

This doesn’t mean that OP needs to go in as well, she is not an extension of her boyfriend.

Aligirlbear · 16/09/2024 12:06

safeatd · 16/09/2024 00:22

I literally once dated a man that lived with 4 maybe 5 other people. The odd night I stayed at his should I have knocked on each of their doors and wished them a goodnight?

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No not if they were in their own rooms but you said your BF went into the living room to say goodnight - so not unreasonable that you would pop your head around the door as well to say good night.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:05

yeesh · 16/09/2024 11:05

You were rude to the flatmate and you’re rude to posters on here so 🤦🏻‍♀️

Who has she been rude to?

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:04

Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 12:01

I'm a grown up. On the spot.

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You would be happy with your partner calling you an arse in front of other people?

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:03

angellinaballerina7 · 16/09/2024 09:57

It wouldn’t have hurt to say hi - she was in a shared space! At least then if she was saying she found you rude, your boyfriend wouldn’t find it so easy to agree with her.

But OP wasn’t in the shared space. Of course if she’d gone into the living room, she would have said hello. But she was going into the bedroom, she had no need to go into the living room.

armadillio · 16/09/2024 12:02

DesigningWoman · 16/09/2024 09:01

Because the OP doesn’t indicate that the flatmate’s boyfriend’s behaviour causes any irritation to the OP’s boyfriend? Her behaviour at her boyfriend’s flat is causing irritation. And in her OP, @safeatd specifies that her boyfriend also thinks she’s being rude. It’s not just his flatmate. She is creating friction in the flat, and both the people who live there think she’s being rude.

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The boyfriend isn’t irritated because there is no expectation on men to do this simpering hello act at 11pm! This kind of expectation is reserved for women.

Why does a woman going into a bedroom at 11pm at night cause friction?

Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 12:01

safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:44

In front of someone else or in private?

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I'm a grown up. On the spot.

Beautiful3 · 16/09/2024 11:49

I wouldn't have thought it rude at all. As it was late, I would have assumed you'd gone to get ready for bed. Don't worry about it. Next time, go and see her and say hi, then go to bed. So you look like you're making an effort.

Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:44

Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 11:34

I would appreciate my DP telling me if I was being an arse.

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In front of someone else or in private?

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:44

angellinaballerina7 · 16/09/2024 09:57

It wouldn’t have hurt to say hi - she was in a shared space! At least then if she was saying she found you rude, your boyfriend wouldn’t find it so easy to agree with her.

Maybe when you’re tired and had work and exam stress you are just going to be like “I want to go to bed”. I had a nice busy weekend and last week with work and two exams drained me.

Human beings aren’t polite 100% of the time, So I think when sharing a home with others who will have guests over then there’s always going to be instances you can find that are rude. Unless it was something that was really impacting me I wouldn’t go and tell my housemate her boyfriend is rude for not saying goodnight to me. I’d say he’s rude if he ate my food, cooked and left all the dirty washing, left the front door unlocked etc

I’ve read and seen plenty of nightmare house sharing stories that you should pick your battles and someone not going out of their way to wish you a good night isn’t one of them.

OP posts:
Paisleydad · 16/09/2024 11:34

DaniMontyRae · 16/09/2024 09:57

Expecting your bf to always side with you even when he thinks you're in the wrong is red flag behaviour. There is nothing red flag about him.

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I would appreciate my DP telling me if I was being an arse.

Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:33

Stirmish · 16/09/2024 02:38

You make them all feel uncomfortable by not getting on with his female flatmate who your boyfriend clearly gets in with very well

You're only civil to her so it's clearly awkward AF when you stay over

Point is you don't like his flatmate enough to even pop your head round the door with a hello

Did you hurt yourself with that jump?

When I say civil I mean I like her and I’m happy to chat and hang out watching a tv show, we just don’t socialise outside of that and I wouldn’t classify her as a friend - and I’m sure she wouldn’t me.

No one is made to feel uncomfortable. Shes not made me feel like that and I don’t think I’ve made her feel like that as she wouldn’t have an issue saying if I had.

Why do you assume my boyfriend gets on with her “very well”, why the very? I’ve written nothing about their relationship for you to form that conclusion.

Point is I do like her, I see her as an acquaintance, I didn’t come in and think I’m going to do something to annoy her. I said to my boyfriend I’m really tired so I’m just going to get ready for bed. I didn’t feel the need to interrupt her evening with her friend to alert her to this fact.

Nothing was done with intentional malice. And I think as a one off she didn’t need to moan that I was rude, if it was a repeat offence then happily tell me what is expected from me when staying over that I’m not providing.

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:18

distractmeagain · 16/09/2024 01:01

i suspect the poster has now left...

Or it was 1am and I was asleep maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:18

Bunnyhair · 16/09/2024 02:12

OP, you are being so weird. Obviously nobody is suggesting you have to seek everyone out and wish them a good night. But how were you raised that you don’t understand it’s bloody rude not to greet someone who you can see and hear, when you come into their house?

Your OTT hostility and defensiveness in these replies suggests it’s not just this one incident that makes people think you’re rude.

At what point did I see her?

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:11

ouch321 · 16/09/2024 02:50

Is your boyfriend sharing a bedroom with this girl?
If not, she is his flatmate or housemate, not "room mate".

Maybe you need to look up the word room mate. But here’s the definition:

a person occupying the same flat or house as another.

I went to international schools growing up so yes some words I use aren’t typically British but somehow most people can grasp what I’m saying - sorry you’re unable to.

OP posts:
Original poster
safeatd · 16/09/2024 11:08

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/09/2024 01:02

It wouldn't really have been putting yourself out much to say goodnight, hardly bending over backwards. Nobody is suggesting you needed to spend half an hour making small talk. I also don't know why you say you don't spend 'several' nights a week there and then say it's 2 or 3 times - that is several.

Because it’s mostly 2 nights. As the commute from his to work is horrible.

But no I’ve not sat there and done a tally of how many nights and weeks I’ve stayed over where it’s been 3 nights rather than 2. But there are occasional weeks where I’ll be there a third night.

But to say several would imply a minimum of 3, which regularly it isn’t. I’d be very conscious of staying at a shared house any more than this as it’s too much when not financially contributing.

OP posts:
yeesh · 16/09/2024 11:05

You were rude to the flatmate and you’re rude to posters on here so 🤦🏻‍♀️