Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

Was your room the best room? Did you think you should have had it even when you were an adult who was away for most of the year and your sister was home full time?

Exact ly! All this hand wringing that the eldest might be upset at having to now experience what the younger one has had for years is actually insane if you think about it!

We rented out our best room then stopped doing that so dd1 has had it for 4 years she was in the smaller room next to it before. When dd2 gets the best room will have it for 3 years to dd1s 4. So still unbalanced but not too much. When they both at university whoever is at home for longer time will get it.

I'm really not understanding how detrimental and awful and upsetting it would be for the eldest to have to sleep in the boxroom when she visits from her OWN HOME, but it's fine for the youngest to live in permanently?
Agree the 'power' of the eldest, does the family usually revolve around what she wants?

My mum did this to me when I went to uni and not going to lie it hurt. I have thought about what i would do as a parent if I was ever in the situation. The thing that upset me was your sister is having my bedroom and I got the spare room. In years to come their rooms are still called by their names “Katie’s room” even if they moved out but I don’t have a room.

I would sit the eldest down and explain as they have moved out it would be lovely if you could move the bedrooms round. Your plan is to make the smallest room into your eldest room for when she visits and you want to redecorate it. Make sure she still knows she’s got a place to stay and come back to.

She's chosen to move out. She can't have the best of both worlds. Why does she get 2 great bedrooms from her rented place and at yours?! I would give it to the youngest who's been in a box room for years! I actually feel sorry for your youngest being overlooked. If the eldest wants to sleep over, she can in the box room. I don't understand why you'd give that much power to your eldest?! Just do it and mention it next time you see her.

I'm sure he siblings are used to her being prioritised by their parents so probably won't be a shock to them that yer again even though she's more or less moved out they're stuck in the smallest bedroom.

I agree with this.

I would wait a little while but lay the groundwork verbally and sensitively for the eldest as the weeks go by.

It is only fair that the youngest feels equaly valued and IME its the natural order of things. The youngest gets the smallest room on the understanding that they move into the biggest when the eldest moves out.

But it's really important the eldest doesn't feel pushed out at the same time.

Hopefully, by, say, Christmas, the eldest (or at least her boyfrined) won't want to be stopping at the OP's every weekend.

This, why should things centre on what's best for the eldest?

Why not show the youngest daughter that she matters to you as much as the eldest and that her feelings are just as important and let her have the room?

I think it would be less detrimental to the youngest dd to stay in her box room than it would be to take away the eldest’s current bedroom and giving her the option of having the box room as a guest. She clearly hasn’t fully transitioned to moving out full time and she has autism. A gradual transition for eldest dd is not unfair on the younger dc. When they are considering moving out they can have a gradual transition too without losing their bedroom that they are familiar with.

FWIW I had the smallest bedroom, it was tiny. I didn’t get a bigger bedroom until I moved out. I don’t have any long lasting negative feelings or resentment at all. My sibling always got the best and biggest room. So what? And life doesn’t cater to our ideas of what is fair. That’s life, get over it.

Let the youngest have the room if you want but make sure you do a clear swop and make the box room into a room for the eldest (not just a spare room, decorated for her). Tell your eldest it is all about space but that the box room is hers to use as much or as little as she likes.

My younger sibling took my room when I moved out. It was one of the reasons I stayed in a failing relationship much longer than I should have as I didn’t feel like I had a place in the family home to return to. You think you know it all at 22, but you really don’t.

My kids will always have a room in my home to come back to.

I agree with comments suggesting to give the youngest the room.

I read a lot of comments that struck a cord with me, especially the ones that say they missed out because of being youngest. Same here. I got the smallest room and old furniture while my siblings got bigger rooms and all new furniture.

I was always the black sheep though!

She has moved out she is not a child the back story is irrelevant and I don't see why the youngest has to put up with it

I'd wait 2 years then the problem will resolve itself - youngest will move out & you'll have 2 empty bedrooms

Older sister's struggles shouldn't mean that the younger sister's needs are ignored.
She is too old to be in a box room if there's another option.

You obviously care about older sister's emotions, but younger sister will resent you long term and feel she hasn't been given equal care and opportunities within the household.

Older sister can have the box room when she stays

I'm surprised the 16yo hasn't taken matters into her own hands and moved herself into the big room.

We had similar, when eldest moved out youngest got her room.

We bought a small double bed for the box room. And some shelves. She stays there with her boyfriend when they visit.

They have just bought a house so we are taking the leap and turning it into an office but will get an airbed first when they stop.

If I was your 16 year old DD I would hate you for making me stay in the shitty box room when there's a nice big room up for grabs

It's just life

put DD 16 first for a change

You have 3 daughters

Give the youngest some love and give her the room

The issue is that, at the risk of stating the obvious, all of the children have needs. All the time that you centre the eldest's needs and feelings, you are automatically putting the others in their place; because big sister could get upset that her (now largely-vacated) room is not being kept for her regardless, you are giving the younger ones the clear message that they are never worthy of having a turn for the best.

I know it's not usually used in this context, but I'm very much reminded here of the phrase "When you're naturally used to privilege, equality will seem like oppression". Except that, here, it is nowhere near equality, as the eldest will never have not had the best, whilst the younger ones are now only potentially getting it for their last two or three years at home, having had to put up with less for almost their whole childhoods.

It seems to make perfect sense for the eldest to originally get the best available, as there is obviously a period when they are the only child; but there's absolutely no justification as to why they should then keep it permanently, just as a 'reward' for having been born a little before their siblings.

Give your youngest the room.
When my eldest went to uni we kept her room nice for her for when she came home during summer and Christmas . She claimed she would be traumatised if we gave her room to her sister.
Like the loyal/proud parents we are - we did as she asked.
Her room was empty for three years and her younger sister had the box room.
It was like a shrine - in hindsight we should have let her sister have it.
It seemed like a nice thing to do at the time but looking back it really wasn’t .. poor DD3 🙁

Surely because logging into MN and getting this onslaught is unsettling.

The replies on here are never polite. Just look at yours, if you spoke to me - a stranger like that in real life I'd be shocked! Of course not only you, and I've been guilty of it in the past myself, it's the whole of MNetters

Give the younger dd the bedroom. Your eldest dd has moved out so it should become the next oldest room. I wouldn’t feel guilty tbh, I did this when my ds moved out and now I’m in the process of doing it again with my eldest dd.

shes has graduated and moved away with her boyfriend, she’s also asd. Dd2 has been in our dining room for years after turning it into a bedroom ten years ago and now it’s her turn for an upstairs bedroom. It was dd1 room whilst she was at uni and I always said that until she graduates and moves out then it was still hers. If she had come home to live after uni then it still would have hers.

your eldest can have a bed in the box room. I can’t do that as my dd3 is in there but I’m getting a sofa bed for the dining room when I redecorate.

its a right of passage to adulthood I think.
i do get a pang when I walk into her old room as I miss her but dd2 really needs the room and to be upstairs.

edited to add, about your dds problems, I do get that change could have a detrimental effect actually, looking back I think that’s why I’d didn’t swap dd1 into the dining room much to dd2 disgust but I think it would have sent dd1 over the edge. Any change you make would have to be gradual so she gets used to the idea of having a smaller room in the box.

I'm surprised that eldest daughter can afford rent for her own flat and rent at OP's home/

I'd agree with this too.