Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

@MayFairSquare Are you seriously claiming that having a small bedroom vs a large bedroom causes literal harm? Because that's factually impossible.

I'm saying that people who post factually untrue things like claiming they are not being ableist or that this thread is not ableist (when it is) do not understand the issues. It is a proven fact that changes of routine and moving can be difficult for people with EDs and young adults with ED history. This is literally an established, known risk factor for relapse. Telling me I'm wrong about this is just ridiculous, look up the clinical literature for yourself. This is why I'm referring to understanding. There have been specific cases of this leading to tragic outcomes. OP is being reasonable and cautious to consider her older daughter. It doesn't mean older daughter has to have the room forever! But keeping her safe has to be a priority with a serious ED history in the picture. The younger DD wanting a bigger room is valid but it's still a want, not a need. She has a bedroom in her family home!

This

It sounds as if (at least in her mind) your oldest daughter hasn't fully moved out yet. That is understandable. She is still very young.

How secure is her accommodation and her relationship with her boyfriend? There is no certainty that she won't need to move back in at some point.

I wouldn't make any changes yet. The suggestion that that you don't love your younger daughter as much or that she is "a lesser being" if you don't give her her sister's bedroom is absurd.

Your oldest daughter is very vulnerable at the moment, moving from the family home is a major life event, especially if her accommodation and relationship are not secure.

With the additional vulnerabilities you have outlined, I think your daughter should feel she has a backup if things go wrong. The box room is not the answer for now.

And you are wrong and don’t understand the issues.

I think youngest daughter should have the room.

If older daughter is coming home a few times a week then she clearly lives close enough that it doesn't matter that there won't be room for her boyfriend on the off chance that he wants to stay with her. If a situation occurs that can be dealt with separately.

It's not fair to keep the youngest in the box room when her sister has moved out.

As a pp said, A family cannot be held hostage by the anxiety of one child. Especially when said child is a grown adult and has a home of her own.

It doesn't harm her.

You don't know that.

It would harm plenty of children to constantly have to be overlooked for a sibling.

You've got some nerve to just say it won't harm her.

And to just tell people they are wrong because they don't agree with you.

I think you are wrong.

@Happii I don't care tbh. You're wrong and don't understand the issues.

People aren't denying the risk, they're just saying it shouldn't always fall to the siblings to revolve their lives around mitigating it. You won't change my mind to be honest.

@Happii the constant hateful tone about autistic people is ableism by definition though. And so is the dismissal of the risk associated with eating disorders.

It's not abelism to recognise the OP has other children and that the world shouldn't revolve around just one of them. There are ways to be considerate and supportive beyond just never changing anything at the detriment of her sisters.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross of course not, but see my other reply just now. The other DD's needs are being met. It's silly to claim that having a smaller room = her needs are not met. No one actually needs a large room. It doesn't harm her. The older DD doesn't need the big room either; it's not the room she needs, it's the stability and security. If it was the small room older DD had, I would be saying she should have the small room stay the same.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I don't believe that anyone who is suggesting that the prospect of potentially destabilising the older DD's mental health is unimportant actually has experience with anorexia, sorry. I'm not saying that nobody else on the thread has an ED, that would be a big assumption, you're right, but anorexia is uniquely weird and devastating. I would expect anyone who has experienced it, whether as a sufferer, a parent, or even sibling or friend, to understand that a parent would do all they could not to push a currently stable adult child back into it.

Anyone who is dismissive or takes that lightly does not know anorexia. Suggest reading some books if you are unfamiliar. (Not if you genuinely have another ED as there is a risk it could negatively influence you or trigger your behaviours.)

What about the needs of the younger child? Or are neurotypical young people not allowed to have needs?

@Happii yes I think you're right. People are replying because of their own issues and venting frustration. I'm just sad to see the typical MN ableism coming out.

@Sepoctnov I'm not making it about me because my parents fortunately would never have behaved in the way people are recommending in this thread. I'm speaking up for autistic people, which I am not surprised is getting shouted down because it literally always does on MN because mumsnetters are ableist. And for people with EDs, especially anorexia, because it is constantly discounted as a life threatening illness. Lol at the idea that comparing it to other life threatening illnesses isn't relevant. It very much is relevant.

I suspect lots replying have been one of the other siblings where their childhoods have revolved around their sister or brother and its affected them for life. I don't feel like many are blaming the eldest for needing additional support or are denying her needs should be considered, but the effects on others aren't nil and are hardly ever considered which isn't fair either.

Sadly think it shines a light on the families where everyone feels secure and loved so switching a room is not a huge drama or even an issue and those with more fragile relationships where it is.

This is very odd. Presumably you think that the box room is a perfectly adequate sleeping space or you wouldn't have made your third daughter endure it for 16 years.

It makes sense for the youngest child to get to spread her things out a bit. Older daughter presumably has most things in her new flat now so she needs less space.

If she ends up coming home full time for whatever reason, she'll be fine in a small room since her sister has managed it for, what was it? Sixteen years?

@verysmellyjelly Not every poster on here is NT nor are we all ED free.

Some of us are ND, many of us have had EDs. You're coming across very judgemental because you don't like the responses.

This particular young adult is suspected not actually diagnosed autistic, like many who don't meet the threshold at 22 she may very well be capable of moving out and living with her boyfriend and it's her mother enabling her not to do that.

Just because the OP said her sister weren't quiet, doesn't mean they are NT either. For all you know the 16 year olds mental health could be hanging by a thread because she's constantly ignored and her eldest sister is the priority.

Plenty of women don't get diagnosed until well into adulthood, often if one sister is ND another is likely to be too.

Every poster here doesn't need to disclaim their status and ED history before finding this situation unfair on a child.

What have I said that's discrimatory against people with mental health issues?

Your analogy of chemo on a children's ward is not relevant here. The issue isn't about the OP spending time or focus with her eldest, it's the simple practical issue of the youngest DD being given a fair shot at having the big bedroom and the possibility of swapping the box room for the eldest when she visits.

You're making this thread about you, the advice is not for you, it's for the OP (who doesn't look like she's returning anyway).

Well that sounds awful, it’s horrible they said you weren’t welcome. I’m sorry you were treated like that.

@SummerFeverVenice

Nope, failing to see any material difference. I wasn't 'quoting' her.

there's NOTHING to make anyone (except you) think she doesn't want to be alone with her boyfriend🙄🙄

@Sepoctnov focusing on a child with a life threatening illness, which an ED is, isn't favouritism, would you call it favouritism if she had been spending her time with oldest DD on a children's ward getting chemo? I bet you would not. This is just discrimination against mental illness.