Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

@MayFairSquare Actually I have clearly said that oldest DD doesn't necessarily need to keep the room forever, but just to have her needs considered and her safety and security considered at a risky time. That tracks perfectly with what OP wrote and I sensed that there was a background of serious AN. Again, exactly what OP later shared. Very serious AN background. Explains everything.

Anyone who actually understands the risk of AN and is not ableist would see this, but very few on this thread get it.

I am not at all surprised by all the hate and ableist responses. It is what I expect from MN.

@ExquisiteEmelda No, I am sharing basic factual info that people seem unaware of, and pushing back on the typical anti autistic ableism that is rife in nearly all MN threads, especially on AIBU. I expected this response because anti autistic hate is rampant here!

How long ago did she move out? I think that plays a large part in when the younger sister gets the bigger room. There were 3 of us staying between 2 rooms and when my brother (also in the spectrum), moved into a bought house with his now wife, he had a hard time adjusting to our sister moving into his old room. He struggles with change and felt his space was being taken away. My parents told him plainly that he was being ridiculous and that they would always find space for him if he needed it but that they were not going to force me and my sister to remain sharing a room when there was an empty one. He had a strop for a couple days and then pretended it never happened. We are quite close and his response was just from fear of change not logic. I hope you get your situation sorted with minimal fuss, maybe offer her to help decorate the small bedroom as a lovely guestroom for her and her bf if they will both fit in there.

I didn't suggest that the oldest daughter gets to stay in the shed with the rats and spiders. I pointed out that the box room might be somewhat less attractive than the large bedroom.

I am working on the assumption that eldest daughter is an equal partner in the renting of this "lovely flat" or however OP described it, and made a reasonable well-informed decision to go out and start adulting with her boyfriend. She decided to get her own home, and I don't think it's unreasonable for her footprint in the family home to be reduced in favour of the kid who still has to live there full time.
What if the youngest impulsively moves out as soon as she's 18 to live with a boyfriend who she isn't even comfortable being alone with, because she's the Cinderella who's had to spend her whole life in a boxroom because her mother wants to afford her older sister the comfort of an additional, large bedroom outside of her own home?

You can’t keep using the argument ‘OP’s DD is autistic and I’m autistic therefore I’m right and you are wrong, and you are ablist if you don’t agree with me’. Plenty of us on here have experience with people with autism and/or eating disorders.

OP obviously has to tread gently and get her DD use to the idea of changing rooms but she has her own flat now and she needs to give her large room to her sister. She will always have a safe space at home of course, it’s just that the room will be smaller. Handle it correctly and all parties will be absolutely fine!

Lay out the problem, not the solution.

Lead your eldest to the solution, but let her think of it and her drive it. Take your time.

In this situation, change needs to be drip fed, not dumped on her.

To stop her feeling pushed out, invite her for a regular "date". Maybe try to get your whole family together for a meal a week. I hate to say this...she's just the first to move out, within 5 years you'll have an empty nest, allow her fledging to be the start of a new road into having adult children.

"X is finding her room a bit cramped now she's older."
"I'm worried we aren't getting to see as much of you, why don't you come over on Sunday" after the event..."why don't we make this a regular thing?"

Small things that lead up to the big thing.

I'd give it 6 months before changing the bedrooms and give dd1 notice that it is going to happen

It is tricky. My 24yo has a bigger bedroom than my youngest but she does pay housekeeping towards the house. At the moment she is staying at her boyfriends more often than she is home but not actually moved out (her boyfriend still lives at home too). Youngest feels it is unfair as she could do with the extra space (tiny box room). We are still considering the dilemma here too.

If she’s moved out then the room need to go to the youngest. She’ll be studying for exams and will be living there for a number of years. Put bunk beds in the box room and tell her she - and boyfriend - can stay over when ever they like 😆

I had the box room until I was 25, didn't mind

Any chance u could do a loft extension
keep the box room as a study 😬

She hasn’t moved out fully and she will feel pushed out before she is ready
22 is still young

I feel so sorry for you. You asked for some gentle advice and some of the responses are so unfair.
It sounds so tough.
Is there anyway you could broach it with your eldest really gently and slowly like suggesting the little one is struggling for space first and then see if she picks up the cue? If not ( and if she’s on the spectrum she might not) then try talking about decorating without saying which rooms etc just something really to ease her into the idea.
Sorry probably not much help but just wanted to say something as your daughter has taken a bashing and the black and white of the responses is totally missing the point you asked.

If the oldest has officially moved out, the others should have the option to move up a room and leave the box room for when your oldest visits.

i had 4 teenagers all living at home one time and they had to swap bedrooms every year so each had a turn in the box room the meduim sized room and two had to share the largest bedroom. Its totally unfair that your younger daughter has been stuck in the box room. Stop pussyfooting around the autistic one.

I was on your side on this… until your last paragraph, which is a nasty little dig at autistic people. ‘Nasty’ because it was totally unnecessary - no one was saying the DD or any other autistic person whose be able to “ride roughshod over the feelings of everyone else”.

And it's not your tone that's wrong, it's the things that you are saying.

You aren't speaking up on behalf of autistic people, you are speaking on behalf of yourself and your opinion and your experience

Exactly.

And now the OP has posted again and none of what you have claimed/projected is relevant to her situation at all.

Having autism is not an excuse to be able to ride roughshod over the feelings of everyone else. Fortunately the OP seems to be aware of this.

Your opinion isn't any more valid here than anyone else's.

You aren't speaking up on behalf of autistic people, you are speaking on behalf of yourself and your opinion and your experience.

OP has said she hasn't even spoken to her daughter about swapping rooms with the youngest and she's happy with her boyfriend so triggering her ED isn't the issue you seem to think either.

I won't be reading anything you advise thanks as my own ED and close family's gives me enough reference. Same with autism.

Doesn't give you the excuse to be so rude to other posters who disagree with you either.

It's fairer to give the bigger room to the one who's there full time.

@MayFairSquare And there's your ableism coming out again.

All I'm doing is speaking up for autistic people and giving facts about the reality of anorexia, only to receive wildly insulting replies like this from posters such as you because somehow my tone is wrong... because I'm autistic, which I've been totally open about!

@Derbyderby I have an autistic DD and how I’d handle it is give her a few months’ notice that you’re changing the rooms, so she has time to adjust. And let her know the box room will be hers.

Are you seriously claiming that having a small bedroom vs a large bedroom causes literal harm? Because that's factually impossible.

No.

I'm not claiming the small bedroom causes literal harm.

I don't believe that you are not trying to be provocative and post things that are so preposterous that they are designed to cause upset.

Your youngest should have the room.

My brother had moved into my old room within a day of me moving out. If I came back home for whatever reason I'd have had the box

I think hosting her and boyfriend every single weekend is too much. I presume you are feeding them too? I find that arrangement a bit strange. She needs to be more independent.
You should absolutely give the youngest child the bigger room. You’re not shutting her out, but she needs to play by your rules.