Aibu to think some parents can't accept their child is a average?!

Oh, I completely agree! Speaking as a primary school teacher, parents have some really strange expectations of their child. If I put "at age related expectations" on their reports, I get an ear-full from some of "why not Exceeding?"
Honey, there's NOTHING WRONG with being average "middle of the pack". That's literally what average means. It means "just normal". Doing exactly what they should be doing.

I've had to have this conversation with my extremely competitive son a few times. That it's okay to just be "alright" at something. He loves sports, but attacks every sport he does like he's gunning to be in the next Olympics. He's the same academically. If he's not number 1, what's the point?? DH and I are completely bemused by him, as neither of us are like that really.

Also, thinking back to my own childhood and the kids I grew up with in primary school, it's not the kids who "sat on the clever table" who have gone on to have the high-flying careers. Almost to a whole, it's the kids who were on the second or third best table who've gone on to have the most success career-wise.

Primary school intelligence is a pretty poor indicator of future success of the "average" child, in my experience.

No my argument is that the top % (aside from actual genius) is relatively fluid depending on several factors
Memory
Age in year
Sen
Speed (in primary kids only getting challlenge work if completed main work but obviously slow working child never gets onto this when they may be able to do this)
Concentration
Notice for test and revision
Difficulty of test
Tutoring

The limit of the max score will depend on the child's understanding. But the gap between what they get and the max score is potentially huge.
So eg one test on spanish the revision info said -ar verbs and if you have time -ir and --er but didnt mean it as all 3 were tested... (The result for that test is then completely irrelevant).
Or a geography (and a science too) test where they didnt tell them in advance.
Likewise use of SATs for setting as the child/parent isnt being made aware this will be used for that.
And not everyone is on even footing for that as some parents with older dc etc know these things (like there is always a test on end of topic etc)
This is what tutoring does- bridges the gap to where the could have been whether that is practice on what they need more examples of or time issues or refresh memory.

We did do some work at home which is how i knew she could achieve 100%.

Perhaps the gap isnt usually so big but it does exist (otherwise there wouldnt need to be so much tutoring.

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Moreover, having an extreme talent that you put a 10,000 hours in always comes at a cost. It means you have less time for other stuff and friends. It is fine when driven by the child, but it is a difficult thing for any parent to deal with. Go look up what Lang Lang has to say about his father, it does sound really toxic to a Westerner. interlude.hk/on-this-day-14-june-lang-lang-was-born/

My view is that every child will have at least one talent that they personally are good at. It matters not how their talent compares to other kids. It is a question of finding what they are good at and passionate about and nurturing that to foster self confidence.

Then there is a lot of other stuff they should aim to be average at to get a balance.
The “talent” can change over the years and kids’ interests shift. But owning something is important. It can be a sport, music, drawing, cooking, reading, just being really kind and sociable, helpful, whatever. It does not really matter.

I think you are right OP. I was always quite good academically but not exceptional at anything. I was pretty rubbish at most sports as not very coordinated, I wasn’t naturally talented at music/art. My parents just always encouraged me to have a go at things and do my best and not to stress too much about how anyone else was doing.
I’ve tried to do same with my two. One is very creative, has loads of great ideas for stories, fab with anything art/crafts based & could draw at 6/7 much better than I can as an adult. She’s struggling a bit with maths. I don’t blame the school that she is but I do a bit blame how much they focus on that and go on and on about their times tables. The schools approach is making her feel like she’s rubbish and I get annoyed they can’t do better focusing on where she’s improving vs what she isn’t achieving. I have no idea why but she just doesn’t seem to be able to learn her tables to a level where she’s confident and she panics when they have a test and gets very stressed about it. I just keep reminding her she’s fab at lots of things and if we keep practicing it will get easier. I also tell her other people might always be better at maths than her but that doesn’t mean she won’t get lots better and feel lots more confident than she does now and that all we care about is that she is doing her best and keeps trying with all her school subjects.

Exactly. I don't believe that this is a good message to be sending, especially to our daughters!

I'm finding this thread really odd. There's a slightly distasteful emphasis on "parents should accept that they have an average child", "parents should accept that there are just lots of children who are brighter than theirs". I mean, in reality most of us know that our children aren't going to be the sportiest, or the cleverest, or the most artistically talented, but it's not something we really need shoved home to us. Because our job is to cherish and encourage our children (within reason - obviously no point telling a child with two left feet that they might play for England) and to ensure they're given help and support to develop their interests and skills. And yes parents don't always get it right, but they're not necessarily "deluded" when they challenge schools and teachers for not giving their children enough support. Maybe the school just isn't doing a very good job?

I used to manage the local rugby teams age group.
Every week the coaches would choose the team based on ability for specific positions, enthusiasm, behaviour, and turning up on time if at all.

There was one boy who was tiny (so couldn't play in a scrum for example as he would have been flattened), he was always late, and he wasn't fast or particularly interested in playing in fact....but his parents would complain week after week that he wasn't chosen for the A team.
He was put into a team (all kids were) but his parents complained constantly about him being in the A team....
Their main reason? He'd been going since day one!!!!

So they turned it on us and said we clearly weren't coaching him properly if we didn't think he was good enough...

One of the Tory education secretaries wanted all children to be above average………

There are some insufferable parents out there that pile immense pressure on their children as they see them as an extension of themselves and a reflection of themselves. Of course nurturing talent, supporting children to do their best to give them a decent chance at life is good, but I know the type you mean and they're not doing their children any favours.

I actually agree with this. Schools seem quite unambitious, and I see children at my son's school who have great talent and could excel in their area if they got the right support. But if their parents aren't in a position to give that, it goes to waste, because the school doesn't fill that gap (and realistically it is too much to ask) and the window closes.

I don't hear parents blaming teachers for anything, or even coaches much. I think it is generally a good thing that parents want their children to achieve to the extent of their ability, rather than shrugging and leaving them to their own devices.

The issue is a lot more nuanced than you are presenting though. Currently state schools do let down many kids, mainly lower ability and higher ability. Competitive parenting is nothing new, neither is parents who can't be arsed. Just a shame you seem to live in an area where there are lots of such examples. However I still stand by my point about we shouldn't accept mediocrity and every child should be pushed and supported to reach their potential, both by schools and parents.

Not convinced on this tbh. Yes, parents need to take primary responsibility for their children's education, but children do spend 6-7 hours every weekday during term-time in the classroom. I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to expect schools to provide a relatively enriching experience for children during this time (even if not individually tailored), otherwise what is the point of school and why do we fund schools and pay teachers? Maybe we need to be clearer on what schools are providing (and what they can reasonably be expected to provide) but the answer can't be to let them off the hook altogether.

@anxioussister It’s a fomo, you feel you’ve got to give your child the best start in life, so you want them to be ahead in the race from day 1. You don’t want them to struggle or encounter adversity - but that’s really dumb because some struggling and adversity is soooooo good for you as a child.

I have had to learn that yes, you can be prodigiously good at things as a child and still turn out average (me, sadly!). You can have an average childhood and claw your way up (my dh did, he’s definitely just improving with age like a fine wine!).

I guess though your fear as a parent is that your child will fulfil his or her potential and that will feel like a parenting fail in an era when your image is so important, and comparison is an obsession and it seems everyone is out there bragging on SM.

My dc2 is not a high achiever and honestly i am starting to realise that his hard-won successes feel just as incredible as anything my dc1 does. My dc1 is addicted to success and hates not being best at everything. But the feeling dc2gets when he succeeds is more powerful because he understands how hard things are. Who will turn out to be the “better” adult? I’ve no idea.

I think it works both ways - there are some deluded parents for sure - but there are also ways in which schools really let down bright or able kids because they don’t cause any trouble / meet all the standards.

why does this rile you up so much do you think?

Ugh...those people are the worst. In the kids football team, remarkably it seems every kid is 'the best player in the team' according to their parents. It does the kids no favours either, being told they are amazing at everything until they grow up and realise they aren't

Fair enough but my teacher friends always complain about the parents who aren't engaged in their child's education, don't turn up for parents evenings and basically don't give a shit.

My dad, who worked in a very posh part of town, absolutely hated it at parents' evening because some of the pate would not accept that their child was, say , average at reading so reading at an 8 year old level at 8 , the parents would automatically say things like, well they must be dyslexic.

I don’t hear people moaning but it’s implicit in attitude eg dd’s friend hugely enjoyed a popular sport, when she didn’t make the A team the mum withdrew her dd from that sport and enrolled her in badminton.

I was a massive over-achiever at school so I really struggle to rein in my expectations. But I try really hard. I did blame my dd’s “outstanding” primary school for being awful at discipline and the damage that did to my dd’s self esteem, confidence and her interest in reading especially. It was always noisy and she was always “deployed” to calm down noisy violent and disruptive kids. As a result she chose to go to a mega strict all girls secondary school as she said to me in Y6 “I never want to be in a classroom with a boy ever again mum, I just want to feel safe and be able to learn.” So I do understand the frustration when you think school is letting your child down.

I know lots of parents who hire tutors. Actually in some cases very worthwhile but depends on child. My dd would kick off like the worst of Roald Dahl’s brats if I tried to help her with school work - lockdown homeschooling was hell! But I didn’t go down the route of tutoring as I knew she’d got the motivation to succeed and would sort herself out.

I do not judge any parent for hiring a tutor unless they end up stopping child having a childhood (knew one parent who stopped all play dates and extra curriculars to fit in tutors and STILL didn’t pass the selection test for local amazing state selective.)

I have never heard any parent blaming the teachers. The funding of state schools and Gove's dire NC yes, individual teachers no! Like I said, your narrow sample of personal experience doesn't mean this is standard across all schools/parents.

@Chasingshadowss

Yes but if parents feel that way there is loads they can do outside school without placing the blame at the feet of a teacher who has 26 other kids needs to worry about or a coach who is juggling players with different abilities

I totally agree with that. Education is as much the responsibility of the child and parent as the teacher.

My point was more that there has to be a degree of (appropriate) pressure on children to achieve in line with their capabilities. As opposed to just shrugging your shoulders when they underperform and saying “don’t worry about it.”