Aibu to think some parents can't accept their child is a average?!

As an Indian parent I can confirm that white coaches and teachers can absolutely play favourites and discriminate against children who aren’t white. That is why I step in.

An average

@Ozanj

People on this board have previously complained about south asian / east asian parents not allowing their kids to socialise with white British kids and this concept of ‘average’ or ‘it’s okay to fail’ is a big reason why. Due to racism our kids can’t fail and be successful at the same time like their kids can. So we do everything to instill the disclipline that they don’t. Being good at sports / academics is about practice over natural talent in most cases any way

This is a very interesting point.

I am white so have not experienced racism as you have but I feel similar: I have been a single parent and I felt very strongly that I needed to work three or four times as hard as others to succeed in my career and that my daughter will have to work hard too. In particular I am absolutely determined that above all else my daughter should never be reliant on a man for money. So I understand your position about not being allowed to fail. And honestly I think a lot of White British people could learn a lot from your work ethic.

I do think there’s a decadence about the perspective that it doesn’t matter how you do in school as long as you’re happy. That may be true if you come from a very comfortable background or have low career aspirations but for most people the reality is that doing well at school is the minimum to being successful. Its disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

Of course this should not be imposed with a crushing authoritarianism and at the expense of a child’s mental health and a child should not be forced to do something they loathe and have no aptitude for. Nor should this involve bullying teachers and demanding special treatment for kids. Parents need to be very clear eyed about their children’s behaviour and academic abilities.

But let’s be real here. Instilling a sense that school doesn’t matter and that it’s more important to have fun is not helping your child succeed. I would far prefer to be a hands-on parent who is invested in their kids education than one who bitches about “pushy parents”.

Because the taught skills of ambitious and conscientious parents, plus a large and varied vocabulary from being exposed to the same, can masquerade in the early years as exceptionalism. People frequently mistake taught knowledge and skill with inate intelligence and it takes the introduction of new concepts alongside peers to show which children are the most competent at reasoning, critical thinking, logic and so on, which are the real markers of high intellect.

I’m of Indian origin and I firmly believe there is no such thing as an average child - only average parents. White people are amazed that DS spoke from 9 mths, conversations by 1.5, fully potty trained by 2, reading by 3 and writing not long after, ambition to be the best in everything he does, but when I speak to other parents of Indian and Chinese origin this is typical for our kids. To do all this I am very involved despite working full time (it’s exhausting but worth it) and yes that does mean speaking up for him when I feel the teacher isn’t noticing what he can do.

People on this board have previously complained about south asian / east asian parents not allowing their kids to socialise with white British kids and this concept of ‘average’ or ‘it’s okay to fail’ is a big reason why. Due to racism our kids can’t fail and be successful at the same time like their kids can. So we do everything to instill the disclipline that they don’t. Being good at sports / academics is about practice over natural talent in most cases any way

This thread has posters which prove op’s point. Pretty bog standard SATS results being touted as genius, home testing that shows perfection but very average at school. How about you leave it to the professionals!

I once saw a parent whip open the kids rucksack, examine the new reading books colour band and bomb over to the teacher to have it out. The worst one was a mum telling her kid “I can’t look at you” after a dismal sports day performance.

Parents are over invested. I work in education and see it's having devastating consequences for children’s mental health.

I was very happy to accept DD2 was average in terms of academic performance, but hsd to become "one of those parents" at secondary school to advocate for her additional needs when it turned out she had ADHD and ASD.

I was the kid who performed excellently in class and surprised everyone by making silly mistakes. That was later realised to me due to SEN. As an adult, I've done quite well academically due to strengths but exams are still a struggle. Why am I telling you this? Since school I've had lots of coaching from others and myself, but I still make silly mistakes in exams. Coping strategies are 1) practising lots, 2) figuring out where I score points easily... for me I do better at "hard" questions but struggle to remember and quote defs which are low scoring 3) accepting I will make lots of mistakes - this reduces mistakes but also realistic.

It'd have been hard for school to help me with 2 because it takes a long time to work out, perhaps you could help get figure out where she scores points well, find a patten, reason and build a strategy with her. Build her confidence after silly mistakes

That's not true at all.There is lots of tutoring for 11+ and 13+ entry into private schools. Surrey is totally tutor-tastic and mainly for entry to the private sector.

“Finding one’s own path is the most important thing for anyone. I am profoundly convinced that every individual possesses a unique talent—everyone is endowed with a divine gift. The tragedy of mankind is that we do not seek to discover this gift in the child and nurture it—we do not know how. A genius is a rare event among us, even a miracle, but what is a genius? It is simply a person who has been lucky. Fate has decreed that the circumstances of life themselves nudge the individual toward the correct choice of path. The classical example is Mozart. He was born into the family of a musician, and from an early age he found himself in an environment that ideally nurtured the talent with which nature had endowed him. But just try to imagine, my dear sir, that Wolfgang Amadeus was born into the family of a peasant. He would have become a crude rustic herdsman, amusing his cows by the magic trilling of his reed flute. If he had been born into the family of a rough military man, he would have become a mediocre officer with a love of military marches. Believe me, young man, within every child, every single one without exception, there lies a hidden treasure. One simply needs to know how to reach that treasure!"

@Goldbar thanks - he has an autism diagnosis and is very much into staying at home... but yes I think if he can find the right job when he's older that matches his special interests he may flourish :)

Maybe school just doesn't work for him? There are many children who have the confidence knocked out of them in school but flourish in the world of work. I'm sorry, that's probably not very reassuring in the meantime, but definitely focus on out-of-school interests until you find the thing that makes him tick - there will be something.

Perhaps if school didn't value and promote a particular type of intelligence, parents wouldn't have to worry about their supposedly "below average" children being considered a bit "thick". Because there wouldn't be a stigma attached to it as there seems to be now since all children's strengths would be recognised.

You know it's funny because, looking back, I had two friends in primary who were considered "slow" and one is now a nutritionist and the other studied zoology and works in conservation. From what I hear from my mother (still friends with their mums), they're both doing very well and no one has called either of them "a bit thick" for a long time.

Anyone else wish their child WAS average? Or at least wish school came easier for them? My son struggles with every subject at school. If he was working at an average level I'd be over the moon for him. I just don't want his life to be a struggle for him

Nothing wrong with being average. You can't have everyone being above average, can you? 😂

There's even more reluctance among parents to accept that their child may be below average, and they don't have any learning difficulties or other condition. It is simply because they are a bit thick.

I’ve been trying to find someone but everyone seems to be online only. If I could locate a F2F one I absolutely would go for it to see if it helped. In fairness it’s not really the staff’s fault it’s the way the curriculum is structured but it is awful.

You mean the kids who had to learn people skills at a younger age.

That's where for her a tutor would help her with her confidence. She would then know she can do the subject and in particular any exams later on.

I know many people from abroad and they are horrified how children are taught Maths in England.

If you’ve ever heard the amazing Tim Minchin talk about his childhood/how he parents his children you’ll understand a lot more about that song. :)

There's a great song about this in Matilda the Musical. It's very hard not the think your child is exceptional, I think my DD is the cleverest, funniest and most beautiful child I've ever met, but I recognise I'm not objective about that. I think she seems above average academically and her nursery teachers and friend's parents have commented on this so I might be right? We also get lots of strangers telling us she's very beautiful when we're out and about, but I have no idea if this is normal either! I think it's worse NOT to think your child is brilliant, and the problem you've identified isn't that people think their child is wonderful, but that they blame others- or worse, the child- if anything contradicts this worldview. If my daughter gets her first school report and she is actually achieving at average or below average, I'll obviously look for ways to help her but I won't vehemently deny what I'm being told.

This is very true, my first DD flew at primary, always getting exceeding and was just great academically. All went downhill a bit in secondary, she was still in top groups but she hated it and would fall apart in exams, she ended up only getting 3 GCSEs which I could have never imagined when she was flying so high at primary.

In contrast my second daughter was always below age related at primary, couldn't read til at least year 2/3, starting to get some "expected" towards the end but she was very much below average. She's now in her GCSE years and it's going to be interesting to see how she does, she's predicted to do quite well. Again, I'd always imagined she'd fail every GCSE when she was 6 or 7 and could barely read a few words.

It can depend on where you live, I'm in a deprived town in NE England and I have genuinely never known, or even heard of, a child having a tutor