Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

DD lived on weetabix and scrambled egg for about 18 months. Wouldn't eat anything else at all.

I had 3 DC in 5 years. It was really tough at times and I sympathise. Can you split them up. One go to nursery on the days you don't work so you rarely have both?

That's what I did- even when I didn't work one was always at nursery.

What is the most difficult one like at nursery?

You are not a bad parent. You’re exhausted. Understandably.
The children have sapped your energy & your confidence. I suspect your self worth is pretty low. I doubt your family thinks as little of you as you think.
Can you ask them for help? Could grandparents share the load say two afternoons a week? Any other women in your area in similar circumstances?
Your husband needs to step up. Is there scope for flexi time? Tell him he has to take them off your hands for at least one full day at the weekend, either he takes them out or you get out of the house for the day. In fact I’d recommend getting up one Saturday morning when he’s home and leaving the house for the day.
Spending all your time with young children is boring. Find some outlet for yourself.
You’re very hard on yourself. And you have such high expectations of yourself too. It is impossible to keep a pristine house with toddlers. Can you keep them corralled in one room with plenty of toys, tv etc?
If this sounds too much then call a family meeting - grandparents, husband. Be honest and do not feel ashamed or guilty. Lay it out exactly as it is. You must get support or your mental & physical health will suffer.
Finally have a word with your health visitor. Has your two year old been tested for allergies? Has he had any assessment for behavioural issues?
None of this might help. But I hope you find a way through this that gives you a break. You’re doing a bloody good job.

Some days/weeks/months really are shit.

You sound like you have really high standards OP. That is great (obviously) until it starts to become impossible and self-defeating.

I have 3 little kids and with each one my standards have dropped. My littlest is free reign, basically. She eats whatever/whenever, plays, watches TV, makes a mess. I am very laid back, take the easy route, and 'give in' on a lot of things that others worry about.

I care about manners, about balanced diet of different foods (even if there are unhealthy ones in there), about kindness, taking turns, and listening to each other.

I care much less about set mealtimes, screens, mess, rigid learning. These things come in time. My older 2 are doing great.

I have time for myself regularly when I exercise and see friends and it saves me.

On the eating front, two things we do are segmented plates (we call them surprise plates) with a selection of food on them for them to eat as they wish, and secondly we have a little kids table in the family room where they can watch TV and eat some relaxed meals if they like. Other times we'll all sit together as a family to eat.

Good luck. I hope it gets better soon.

I feel for you. As you said, you're overwhelmed. I felt like that, it was awful at times.

In desperation I used to put them in their car seats and drive round until they either fell asleep for a quick nap. Then I'd just sit in the car and soak up the silence.

Once they got to McDonald's age, I'd take them there and feed them a happy meal to avoid cooking.

In fact, I think anything that saves your sanity.

It gets better, it's only temporary. 🙏

Your 2 year old sounds like my eldest. She was such hard work until about 4. She is still demanding but much better behaved now that she's able and allowed to do a lot more things because she's older. I look back and think she must have been frustrated - she wanted to get everything and make every decision and resented me being in charge. The constant climbing on everything, running, jumping and tantrums drove me insane. Reward charts worked really well for me - small ish manageable things to get a sticker. 10 stickers would be a small treat like a lolly. 20 would be a small toy from the toy shop. Honestly just remembering simple things like trying to get her to brush her teeth brings it all back. You've got an active, strong willed one but that will hopefully make them a great person in many ways as they grow up!

Sorry, I can’t say anything constructive but I want you to know you are not alone. We have all been there at some point in someway. I swear people think that because you’re at home you just ‘sit around’ all day doing nothing could be further from the truth. Having a partner who works away makes it so much more difficult, you are effectively a single parent but nobody sees it that way. The children are going to push your boundaries but at that time you need your partner there backing you up and putting on the united front against them it sounds brutal but the person who stated children are little dictators is right they will divide and conquer if given a chance. Husband needs to be backing you up, you can’t carry on like this your health is going to suffer.

I remember those days! It will get better but it feels relentless.
Two of my friends persuaded me to go to aerobics once a week in the evening with them and I can honestly say it kept me sane. My now ex husband did everything he could to prevent me from being able to go so I found a babysitter for if he wasn't home in time. I had a total of an hour and a half to be normal and it really helped.
If you can - try and grab a regular hour for yourself. Good luck

I feel you. I feel exactly the same. I have a 1&3 year old. I get up for work at 4.30 pick them both up from nursery at 12 and it’s carnage between then and bedtime. I don’t get help from anyone, my family all work full time and most don’t bother seeing them as it is. I’ve never had a day off. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I love it and hate it at the same time 😂

OP, I feel your pain.

My DD is 19 months and a terror. She's up on the windows, pulling the handles, in the pantry, raiding it. Last week she had 4 chocolate bars in her gob before I caught her. She's up on tables. Able to open all doors. Can get out the front and HAS escaped twice when I didn't have it locked. She f**ks food out of her chair. Trashes her brothers bedrooms and is able to get out of car seat no matter how tight I have it.
Buggy is a nightmare. Won't stay in it. Wants out. Won't walk.
Doesn't sleep at night. Stays up until midnight. She is HARD WORK and I keep saying she's aging me. I can feel it.
I rely so much on her other brothers to help. I can't imagine how you are doing it with a 4 yr old aswell. At least my boys can take her out the garden or around the block or just AWAY FROM ME.

I could say 'it'll get better' which we know it will, but it doesn't help when every day is bloody long.
I know she'll get better but doesn't mean right now isn't hard.
Just wanted to say you aren't alone & sending you some support 💕💕💕

Oh, I feel for you OP! The main thing that strikes me after reading your post is that it's not you who is shit in this situation. And not the kids either.

Can't all the judgmental members of your and your absentee husband's family help out instead of judging? Is there any way you can leave the kids with their dad for a weekend and have a break? Win-win, a break for you and a childcare lesson for him.

One of the wisest things my mum told me when my kids seemed to do nothing but cry and not sleep was - no matter how hard it is, it's just temporary, they'll stop crying and tantrumming eventually, and they'll go to sleep. Such an obvious thing, but it needs to be remembered in overwhelming moments.

Also, absolutely don't bother trying to keep the house tidy. Nobody can manage that, not ever Marie Condo, as she admitted recently. Kids are designed to explore and make a mess. If it's your husband who expects a tidy house, he's welcome to do the cleaning of course, or employ a cleaner.

Terrible twos are called that for a reason. Your little one has a sibling so can't get all your attention, which probably makes the tantrums worse. It will pass, but for now you need help. Don't try to live up to your family's expectations of perfection. You don't need to prove anything to them. Ask them for help, everybody needs it in your situation. If you're with the kids by yourself 24/7 it will drive you mad.

I hope things will get better soon. Sending lots of love.

Home alone dad of 6yr old twin girls a 2 and a half yr old boy. Been one-maning it since they were 6weeks old. It's relentless and I think the cycle of getting worn down and tired is one of the most difficult things to overcome. Having a boy is a different experience. He's way more physical, runs, climbs everything, into everything dangerous. Throws himself into things his sisters never would have. He's a little wrecking ball. One thing I've always done with all of them and it's gonna sound daft and I hope I don't get shot down for it is physical play. Wrestling, tickling, chasing etc till they're in the mindset to calm down and make a descent decision almost by accident. Then reward those decisions. Fight the battles you can win instead of just fighting if that makes sense. I absolutely feel the glare of in-laws etc you talk about! My wife has absolutely no idea the effort it takes to keep the place tidy to even the most basic degree. In fact she hates having mess yet happily adds to it herself constantly like we have house elves or something! I love my mother in law but she naturally thinks the light shines out of my wife's behind. And because the traditional roles are reversed, although I'm caring for and moulding 3 pretty awesome children 24/7, I lose points somehow for not also bringing home 6 figures 🤷.

Some days and times are just tough. If one is down another is awake, if one's angry with another the third will pile in for the reaction. Their ability to demolish a clean and tidy space is unreal. Just playing, chairs and rugs upend to become a tent or whatever. It's better the last year or so but still the youngest is a professional wrecking machine. It's so so easy to get in a rut or spiral into just surviving on minimal sleep and praying the day ends well, then feeling resentful that life is just endless days of survival now with what feels like no reward at times other than a clean carpet. What about a toddler group? Or playgroup nearby? It will get better, honestly, you're not a bad parent for feeling that way and you're not alone, you're really not alone X

Perfect advice here. Go out for a bit. Big hug 🤗 x

You know when mine were little and running off in the park I sat down and waved goodbye. When they saw I was taking no notice and not reacting they stopped and that applied to all their activities. Also put playpen in the garden with load of toys and let them get on with yelling and didn’t let them see I was watching from inside the house.Another tactic was to pretend to laugh uproariously and wouldn’t tell them what I was laughing about.Another was to copy them- sit on the floor and bawl and shout and every time they asked what was wrong I’d bawl even louder 🤣🤣🤣

You need to speak to DH, spell out everything you are saying here. He needs to either help more as is, or change jobs so he is at home more. You cannot continue like this, doing everything and then getting criticised by the people in your life who are doing nothing to help!

Its soo hard isnt it 😥 i have a 6 year old, and he is such hard work. Hes right all the time, im wrong, he doesnt listen, and he doesnt do easy things for himself "because he cant". Its mentally and physically exhausting.
I sometimes wish i wasnt a mum anymore. I sometimes look at him and hate my life.
But i still love him, and i would do anything to protect him.
Its hard to get out of this mindset. I'm sorry i cant offer any advice, because im going through it with you. But i wanted to message to tell you, youre not alone.

Can you put a bolt on the door high up?

I think you're doing amazing OP in your circumstances and I'm absolutely no surprised you're at the end of the tether.

The thing is this shouldn't be your problem to solve alone. Your children have two parents. It is simply not acceptable for the health and wellbeing yourself, to be so stressed it impacts your ability to look after your children so that your husband can absolve himself of all parental duties for the sake of his happiness. Why does your husbands job and happiness come above all else? You equally matter and its very clear your needs aren't being met. A father and husband that takes all the lie ins and has only spent four hours with his children is neither a good husband or father no matter how much he earns. Your children will pick up on this and it will impact his relationship with them.

It's absolutely not on you're both working yet you have all the cleaning and childcare and no breaks on top of this. You need a frank talk with your husband. All time outside of work is split 50/50. You both get breaks and lie ins and childcare is split evenly. If he isn't prepared to agree with this and you want to be with him, I'd be insisting he pay for a cleaner and additional childcare to help you function and ensure your own health and sanity. You can't keep pouring from an empty cup

I would always feed children on demand. It's not nice at all being forced to eat when full, and it's horrible being hungry. By all means, give them healthy choices, but I would give them a frickin banana or apple or plain toast whenever they are hungry and not force anything on them when they are full. Start trusting your instincts, try listening to their needs and try and respond adequately. Let them have as much choice, control and freedom as possible. And also make life easier for yourself. Let them watch TV if you need a break. Give the 2 year old a phone or tablet in the car to keep him save so that you can drive somewhere he can run around safely while you sit and have a coffee. Don't even try and be a perfect parent and have perfect kids, it will only make you resentful. The house also really doesn't need to be perfect, but you and your kids need to survive this time with some sanity and happiness intact. Concentrate on having fun together and think of them as friends rather than your enemies.

https://www.activitytoysdirect.com/step2-whisper-ride-cruiser-red-p1942/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADu0biIhQ-9S5ohj6FMfPoyB_ci54

forgot to add the link

OP…I feel you. I’ve had many days like that. My youngest was like that at 2. He’s autistic but we didn’t know then (not that I’m suggesting your 2 year old is). He hated holding hands, reins or buggy. I bought him a little car that I pushed along by handle. He LOVED it. He felt like he was driving, he was belted in and I could get around. I used to keep it in the car boot like you would a buggy 😅 I was gutted when he got too big for it. That being said he was on his way to diagnosis by then and we had a McLaren elite SEN buggy by then and he did go in there as it was a calm and safe space. It was a bit like the one in the link but bit bigger. I got it for £10 on eBay! Best tenner I ever spent.

I really hope you managed to take some deep breaths and find something to keep the kids busy. Another thing I used to do was get one of those big garden flexi tubs like builders use to mix in and fill with play sand or water and bubbles and watch them play for ages in that. It meant I didn’t have to venture out and suffer meltdowns, and my boys were happy (I have 3 🥴).

Above all else, you are not shit, you are human! This is the reality of doing all the at home work-load and mental tasks. There is no break from it and it is relentless. I promise you things usually do get better as they get older. No chance of some free hours at nursery for your 2 year old?

Reins,

OP where in the country are you? If you're in London I would escort you and your kids to the park, buy you a coffee and help keep my eye on them while you chill. You need practical help and support. All the advice is great, do this, do that blah blah blah but you need action. Have you got a friend nearby who preferably doesn't have small kids? Could they get out with you? You need a break.

OP you have two problems:

1. A difficult two year old
2. A selfish husband

The difficult two year old is not that unusual, although you are having a time of it right now and are clearly exhausted and broken. The selfish husband is compounding this x 1000000.

I remember two and four (18 month age gap in my case) and it was hard. I was also working long hours and one of my DC was super-stressy. There were days were I would wake up filled with dread and watch the day slide downhill hour by hour until gone midnight which was often how long it would be before everyone was settled, only to get on the hamster wheel at 6am the next day. It was fucking awful. I can remember having fantasies about having a non-tlife-hreatening illness so that I had to be in hospital for a week or two so eveyone would be quiet and leave me alone.

My DH wasn't super-dad but he was significantly better than yours in terms of taking the kids and giving me a break. More importantly, he showed empathy. I think you need to engineer a situation where your DH has them for a full day (or a full weekend). He will then be far more on board with finding ways to het through this time as a team.

What would happen if you just said you needed a break and were going to your parents for the weekend? If he sulked etc and you told him it was that or you lose your mind, would he step up?

He really needs to experience it to get involved in finding ways to get through this period. It is not your sole responsibility to find solutions to pacify a demanding two year old.

I really feel for you.

Ignore them when they misbehave. Don't shout. Make yourself not care. Tell them calmly that you will play with them again when they stop doing whatever it is that they shouldn't be doing. Get on with something else and don't respond to provocation, crying, screaming, whatever it is. After a while you will find it relatively easy if you keep in mind that it is a technique. The first time may be difficult. But no one likes being ignored. They will run out of steam. As for the food, I agree if the toddler won't eat anything except the milk just give him the milk. The next day he will probably eat something else.

Your children sound totally normal to me. My youngest son was exactly the same at 2, an absolute nightmare 🤣 I can laugh now but it weren’t funny at the time, I honestly don’t know how I got through it. Now he is 5 and his brother is 6 and life is a lot easier, has been since he was almost 4 I would say, so hang in there.
definitely doesn’t need a cooked meal if he has been to nursery all day, they eat meals there. I just do a snack for them when they get home, stop adding pressure on to yourself.
i always found getting out helped as it used up their energy, staying in was a nightmare, but you have to do what is best for you.
Good luck, these days will be over before you know it.