Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

Ive got a 4yo and a 2yo, and you've done amazingly to get this far before breaking down. Your husband is a dick.

We've been an absolute shitshow because my 2yo is also feral and he's the reason we can't go to a playground if its the three of us, so you're not alone. We also only go to softplay, inflatables, anything with a door that will remain shut.

Reading your updates it sounds like you're here for validation, because somehow, despite you doing the parenting, housekeeping, night wakes and early mornings, alongside working, your husband has managed to opt out of everything except work and STILL makes you feel like you're not doing enough and criticises the way you're handling things.

You are doing a good job, but he's setting you up to fail, you talk about age and stage, what's developmentally appropriate, dealing appropriately with unreasonable small people, but these things take so much thought and energy, it's impossible to do with minimal sleep, no support and all the resentment you must feel about being default everything all the time.

Things that have helped us - we've stairgated loads of our open plan house, food can only be eaten in the dining room, the gate ensures that. Locks on cupboards, fridge etc and keys kept up high where 4yo can't reach. Do any of your 4yo's friends want a playdate? My 2yo is so much easier when he's got the big kids to play with and they love playing with him. The other mums know how hard it is parenting alone (husband works shifts so can end up on my own with them for days at a time) so are supportive which helps. We regularly do porridge and fruit for tea if they don't eat properly, or put the cup of milk and banana down with the food. Division of responsibility is hard to do at first but took some of the stress out mealtimes for us.

If your husband continues to refuse to step up, can you book a hotel, don't give him enough notice to opt out, kiss the kids goodnight and just go somewhere for a good nights sleep and a lie in. If it's so easy you don't need help, he'll be fine, or maybe he'll realise some of what you do.

Good luck! X

I remember it well and I felt the same. It’s normal to feel like this, we didn’t evolve to parent on our own. All I can say is, it gets easier in time. I put mine in nursery two days a week which helped hugely. If you can afford it do it, it’s well worth it. Going back to work was also great.

I had a runner, it made parks and play dates so tough. ADHD was diagnosed but it’s not a sure sign, but the medication helped at school and some days out. Unfortunately we had to wait until six years to refer for assessment. For now, try to plan out your time and have set activities to break up the day. iPads were a revelation!

Just make everything as easy as possible for yourself. Feed them what they will eat, let them run riot in the garden. Sit, read a book, have a coffee.
I have 2 boys 18 months apart and it was the worst 4 years of my life, all my youngest did was cry. I also couldn’t leave the house due to my youngest running off, climbing out of his car seat, pram. I was terrified. I’ve have 5 children and the point of my youngest 2 being 2 and 4 was the hardest it’s ever been. It will pass ❤️ things will get better. Mine are at school now and so much easier. I know it’s hard to do, but the only thing that helped me was to stop worrying about everything. Let them make a mess, let them be loud. I just reiterated “be kind, kind hands, kind feet, kind words” they listened to nothing I said, but at least you’re guiding them with ways to behave in a way they remember ❤️
sounds like you’re doing great, keeping on to of the house, if your in laws can do it better, let them crack on 🤣
take care ❤️

My advice is to get out the house as much as possible. I have 2 year old twins and my partner works 55 hour weeks so I understand. Getting out is the only thing that keeps me sane. I have no family and my friends work during the week, but I go soft play, library, stay and play. I’ll even walk slowly around the supermarket spending nothing if it gets me out the house! Recently aswel I was given some advice which has changed my perspective a lot. I think I have needed to adjust my expectations of my toddlers. Toddlers are arseholes! But it’s not their fault. They are still so new to this and I think I’ve been expecting way too much from them. They don’t listen much. And that’s ok, because theyve just turned 2. They aren’t trying to annoy me they are learning.
It won’t last forever, these tears will fly by. Hold in there!

Just to say this sounds like my two year old. It is very tiring. He also throws a lot of his food about. I doubt I will be using the pushchair soon as he can climb out without undoing the straps.

Leave your husband and share custody 50/50. Then you get half the time to yourself while he spends half his time doing what you have been doing alone, full time, since your youngest was born. You can spend your free time drinking wine and laughing at the thought of him wrangling your two year old.

Also, please lower your standards before you implode. Let your two year old have milk, bananas and cherry tomatoes whenever he wants, including for dinner. My paediatrician sister's toddler once spent three months eating nothing but strawberries and garlic bread, I kid you not. He is now 8, and still a picky eater, but eats a lot more than just strawberries and garlic bread.

And let them have screen time. Make it vaguely educational (e.g. Mr Tumble, NumberBlocks) to lessen your guilt.

And tell everyone in your life they can fuck right off with their unsolicited opinions.

HRTFT and I'm sure this has been said already as it always is. BUT - is there any chance your 2yr old is ND? He sounds so like my DS at that age.

DS is 16 now and lovely - but the early years were a nightmare. He did sleep well which was a blessing - but the rest of the time he was so demanding, constantly wanting stimulation, became really fussy about food, and wouldn't hold hands or let me use reins when out and about. Once lay in the road in front of a bus when I tried to hold his hand to cross a road. Wasn't toilet trained until after starting primary school. I had to barricade him into rooms and tie up his bedroom door as he was very agile and could escape anything. Had meltdowns all the time if he didn't get his own way. Diagnosed ASD and ADHD aged 4.

I went to a council run programme for parents with concerns, and they suggested starting preschool even though free hours were only for three year olds then. We paid for a couple of days a week. The school leader said early in that she thought DS had issues, she arranged for the speech and language people to come in and got the ball rolling, she was amazing.

Of course you might just have the terrible twos - but the things you've mentioned do ring so many bells. I had twins - his sister used to get abandoned at the side of the road while I ran after him, luckily she was very calm and sensible! We did go out and about but it was always a challenge, but if your 4 year old is sensible you should be able to go to the park? (Although DS broke my ribs with a headbutt aged about 2 when I had to restrain him from taking someone's scooter one time.....)

There are things you can attach to a buggy harness to stop them getting out. But I expect he will scream the place down. My DS would wear a harness himself as long as I didn't touch it, so I used to run alongside him with my hand hovering over the upright loop at the back of his head.

Whether ND or not, it does get better.......

Being a parent is so bloody hard and OP you are doing your best. I am crying in the pillows myself right now after completely exhausting all of strength trying to reason with my 7 and 5 year olds. I have a cold and they both decided to gang up on me today and send me to a mental institute as the things they were saying to me were horrid and their actions no better and I am normally a very patient parent but today just collapsed and screamed at them both. They are not usually like that but the moment I would calm down one of them, the other one would start turning the house upside down and vice versa. I actually had a panic attack at one point because I was also too unwell to take them anywhere. Can only symphasise. Some days are just shit.

OP @glassdo you sound burnt out and no wonder! I am 100% sure we are not supposed to raise our children without a village. But where the fuck is the village?!? Lots of us have this problem but yours sounds particularly lacking since not only has your village fucked off your own partner has checked out!

Our capitalist society means we have to all work and attempt to raise a family and runs home at the same time without help of any kind. And guess who bears the brunt of this set-up? Women of course!

I know everyone means well when they say lower your standards and let your house be messy and unclean etc but honestly in your situation I’d need order and routine. I would get rid of lots of their toys. I would declutter and organise everything. Try to keep to a schedule.

However, unless you have the support of your partner then you are pissing in the wind. I send love and solidarity and also I second the charity Home Start 💐

You are doing a great job - parents put all sorts of pressure on themselves, so just take a moment and identify what you can change?

• your H can stop being such a fucking idiot (with his criticism) and help you. You shouldn’t have to make it clear but if you have to spell it out then do so - on sat I will be out from 10-5pm - you are having the kids. On thurs night I am out for a walk by myself you are having the kids! If he is a dick about it then you need to decide what that means for you and him.
• Chores are divided when he is at home and he does his fair share!
• Lower your standards about the cleaning - my response would be if your H says anything about the house - you know where the fucking hoover is get on with it! Why is he doing bugger all?
• Go to your GP - take the anti depressants, how do you know CBT is useless? Get support from your health visitors?
• What can you outsource - cleaning? ironing?
• Put the 2 yo in for another day at nursery? If your H doesn’t like it tell him to piss off and step up!
• On a bad day if your DS wants coco pops and banana - then let him. Your H can deal with him if he has an issue!
• TV/ screen time - its an ends to a means - my 20yo loved animal
• programmes from about 2 - he would cry / scream to watch steve irwin (of all people!) we let him - he’s at uni, with a part time job, and a fab social life - point is screen time isn’t the worst thing ever! Don’t let ‘instagram’ mums tell you differently!!

Change needs to happen in your house to help you have the energy to parent. You have a H issue - this needs sorting!!

Overall you cannot continue on empty - do whatever you have to so to get through this (I had a 2 and 4 yo years ago its bloody hard work!) Take care OP xx

2 and 4 was a complete shit show. I don't know how I survived.

You are doing amazing. I know it's hard to get out, really hard. But if you can you feel so much better, they can make mess outdoors and it's less stressful, less shouting etc. Try a local forest school group for the little one maybe? Church hall toddler groups just to get out? So he can let off steam.

But either way it's not forever I've been there and it's just really hard!

For 1 day forget the house. Forget tidying up, washing up, laundry the whole flipping lot of it. And go into survival mode.
Get out is priority - go to a park where the play equipment is enclosed or there's a sand pit rtc and let them go. You don't need to supervise his every move. Sit on a bench for 5 mins whilst keeping and eye on him running about etc. Take a ball. It will keep them occupied with you and without when they need the further distraction . Then get ready made lunch / dinner.bed for them and downtime for you but sleep if you can. Repeat but add I chore to your day or after a few days blitz the basics. Eventually u need to go into pre plan organisation mode where u do thing whilst they're asleep little but slowly it gets done. I had ocd so I know OP it's hard to let go but let go you must otherwise there lays insanity.

Find your local church playgroups and go to them too.

Remember people only post the positives on social media - they don't show the 10 hours cleaning before hand to get to show home standard or how many photos it took to get the one photo with everyone looking the same way and smiling. I have learned to accept that with children no matter how hard I clean my house is always going to look like I'm 6 days into poltergeist until I'm the only person living there!

Oh god it’s hard, I felt every word. My 4 year old is an absolute psycho. Everyone thinks she’s wonderful, so funny, chatty and intelligent. They’re right she is, but try reasoning with her and everything is a constant battle. Throw the crawling baby in the mix and my nerves are in tatters.
I never thought I’d see the day when I said I was enjoying being back at work after maternity. Those few days a week when I WFH and the house is totally silent, absolute bliss! I tidy in my breaks too so it both quiet and organised at home. My mental health is so much better.
I understand childcare cost implications but could you work a couple of days a week to get out the house and have a total distraction from being a Mum (apologies if this has been mentioned, not read the full thread)

OP I have read most of but not all of the thread, but just came on to say...

Toddlers are fucking savages.

hope your week is getting better!
I spent a lot of time fucking about wondering how to be a better parent, how to deal with things better, how to BE better, how to not fucking shout my head off constantly. My DH also works away. So I get it.

But the real answer is just acknowledge toddlers are absolute dicks and a nightmare to handle and it's a really bloody hard slog.
You're doing great.

My kids are similar age, and although they don't have diagnosed additional needs or anything I find that a lot of parenting advice aimed at kids with ADHD seems to work well for mine, or at least make me feel better about things!
I use it for myself too - I wear loop earplugs to drown out the crying and screeching when they're bad so it doesn't overwhelm me as easily.

I magically cope better when I've had a break so when he's away I make him take the kids on the Saturday mornings after he gets back and honestly that couple of hours makes all the difference. Being able to get up and ONLY see to yourself. Bliss. but honestly you need a full day to yourself and regularly til you feel better IMO. Get him on it.

OP, as a mum of 2 (a 4 yo and a 10m old), I get it, it is very overwhelming and the mum guilt we naturally have is no joke.

I just want to come here to give you a big hug and to remind you that as difficult as the days seem, they won't last. Things will get better each day, the kids will learn and so will we, to do better. You can do it! All the best 💜

Get your DH to change jobs so he is supporting you. No way would I be coping day in day out without support with a 2yo and 4yo.

It's commendable what you have managed so far yourself but do get practical support ASAP. We are only human and you have reached your limit and need lots of support ❤️

Sorry haven't read full thread, but forget homework with Reception child and just read stories at bedtime (or other times). Homework at that age is pretty pointless. And put a high bolt on the door into the garden. You are creating/accepting unnecessary dramas, some of which should be relatively easy to solve.

1. If you think you have ADHD than you probably do. And the kids probably do too.
2. Consider whether you have anger towards your husband which you are then projecting onto the kids and wider situation. If so, you might be better with your kids if you direct the anger where it is due.

Oh lovely. You are doing a great job. Suggestions from me a mum of 4.

Don't make food a battle ground. He's eating a mixture of foods, he won't starve. Don't fret it. I lived on ice cream for months as a 2 year old, my Mum dragged us to the doctor who said it was fine.

Limit the toys available. Put some away. If they aren't picked up they go in a bin bag. You can stash them away or give them to charity but they don't get to see them for a while.

Screen time is OK! If it buys you 10 minutes peace to drink a cuppa and reset.

2 year olds can be utterly menaces. You've got to stand firm on safety. But at the same time you need to get them out. Can you take the little one when the 4yo is at school? So only one to keep hold of.

Lower your standards and expectations. Mess is OK, random food is OK.

Can you try some sort of reward system? Visible tokens to put in a box, even a 2yo can grasp that.

Please ask for help! Therapy with your DH. Go to your GP and get some support. Tell your inlaws to stuff it! They can step up or shut up! Talk to your Mum, sit down and explain. Ask her to just listen, it may be that she is doing the whole brave face / stiff upper lip thing because she doesn't fully realise how much you need her.

And when DH is home go out, get your hair done, go for a massage, a walk whatever but make sure he has the kids most of the day.

And finally. The biggest warmest hug. You are a great Mum, be kind to your self and your soul

"Also ' get them to help you clean or cook ' I find that SO difficult, which also makes me feel inadequate"

I remember feeling so hopeless when I saw Liz Earle many years ago smarming about on TV about with her then young daughter beautifully helping to make pesto pasta together, something my two small kids .would never have done - even worse, she was in a beautiful house.

I'm sure some kids can be taught to cook and help at really young ages - I gave up pretty quickly. It was a mountain I wasn't prepared to climb. They learnt to cook when they lived away from home. The youngest is into very fancy foods now - no credit to me. As they got (much) older they ate decent meals.

You have unrealistic expectations of young children. Stop worrying about a tidy house and play with your children and try to enjoy them. Take the lead from then whenever it's realistic. Get outdoors whenever you can and let them run about in the park etc.

I don’t want to be patronising but you do need some time out. The behaviour your child is displaying is partly due to your response, you are clearly at the end of your tether and probably responding disproportionately, as a result your child feels out of control and distressed. Sod how your in laws, parents and husband feel about things, you need a break to calm yourself down and reset everything. It’s crazy you can’t take two children to the park, put boundaries in place, take them to the park, if he runs off put him in his buggy and go home. If he won’t sit down to eat, take the food off him until he’s hungry enough that he will. But do it all without shouting, getting cross or telling him off, simply tell him what will happen, calmly and quietly and don’t discuss it or argue. Just follow through and put up with the tantrum, in the long run you’ll win and your children will be better behaved. We’ve all been where you are, don’t let anyone tell you your a bad mum, your just worn out. Good luck.