Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

That’s shocking.

This in spades. The tone of the advice/replies from @cattery and @penguinbiscuits actually scares me and I’m no softy. They sound more like prison warders. Your DH needs to do much more. He’s their Dad. If he can’t help during week you need some regular childcare paid and a cleaner if need be to give you a break during the week(not for housework). He needs to take over for half a day either Saturday or Sunday. Get as much sleep as you can and get out of the house everyday. Find some way, back pack reins, better straps on pram, push trike anything. I found I was always in better form/ less overwhelmed/a nicer person if I was interacting with other people regularly. I had 3 under 2 at one stage. Dont waste your energy or worry about keeping the house immaculate. Good enough is good enough it’s a family home with 2 little ones showhome standards aren’t normal. Better a less tired/stressed mum.

Sod anyone who comments on how well you keep your house. Even your husband. Stop bothering with housework and instead play play play with your kids. Make noise, make a mess, get dirty, get wet, be creative, be your silliest self, sing, make rubbish art, run around in circles, jump on the furniture- in other words HAVE FUN!! They’re only little once and it’ll be moody indifference whilst gaming, playing on phones or going out with friends before too long. You’ll have all the time in the world for a lovely neat house then I promise. Let loose and I bet they’ll mellow out - and be more responsive to you too. Good luck and remember- youre making happy core memories they’ll keep all their lives. Far far far more important than what your house looks like.

Op- do you do all the school runs? I had a two year gap .. was in my early 20s and had to give up a successful MUA career and lived in a very pretentious area (outskirts london - very fake and faux ‘glam’ but shallow ) amongst mostly older mums as I’d done things ‘the other way around’ to them .. they’d had an adult life, long careers , then houses and lots of money paid if not mortgage free and married and then children .. and it was so hard having a 2 and 4 year old and as they’re late summer born babies my older DS had literally turned 4 then full time school and doing to ground hog school runs with the packs of hyenas oooh I mean ‘mummies’ all glaring and staring at me because my boys very boisterous! The older one ended up doing huge commercial and TV campaigns so they didn’t help but I just wondeeed how you cope with school runs? As you say you cannot leave the house as it’s just not worth the hassle etc .. but you must have some control and routine more than you give yourself credit for imo as you haven’t even met the school run and I always found the school pick up time was always the time when my 2 year started to nap and/or it started pissing down raining and west I’d do to have had a member of family or a hands on dad or even a paid person to do this chunk of the day for me ..

Your husband sounds like a disrespectful prat.
Tell him, don't ask him, that one day of the weekend he's getting up with the kids while you lie in. Every weekend. Let him rage/sulk.

I've got a chronic illness too, so double hugs!

Nothing new to add but wanted to add to the chorus of sympathy. You're doing great keeping them alive (no, really) your husband can piss off until he's spent multiple days with the kids. Kids can be incredibly stubborn around food because it's one of the only things they can control. You're effectively a single parent but not getting the credit for it - and worse, having someone trying to backseat co-parent. TV and screen time to give you a howling-into-the-void-break won't be the worst thing. It is absolutely relentless.

I'm with ya sister, it's relentless isn't it x

I have two boys - 2 and 4. To reassure you, I think you’ve described a standard day with a two year old, verbally abusing you with “me do it” and “mine” and not having their “listening ears on”. Life at this age is just SO HARD. Especially when holding down a job (wfh or not, that does not matter) and trying to do it all. You can love your children and still
fine it hard. You are not alone with these feelings.

HOWEVER

Your situation in some ways sounds more lonely than being a single mum. You have all the responsibility and no support at all. The children are the trigger, but not the cause to your feelings. You do not have a partner who is supporting the family needs and also sounds like he has no appreciation for what being a full time parent means as he’s not doing it even on weekends. Your children are just being children with the toys. We have baskets all around the house so tipped out toys can be easily scooped back up at the end of the day, but sounds like you need to lower your standards. This is just a moment in time and your son will be in school in a couple of years. Try to put concerns about judgement to one side and enjoy the small things with your children. I barely remember the newborn stage two years on, people forget so quickly how hard it is.

Do you have a close friendship group? I would call on them to listen, but also help you get out of the house and give you that extra pair of hands that you need! You also need to book yourself a weekend a way to get yourself a break and give your partner a reality check. This is not unreasonable. I try to do it a couple times a year. It fills my cup up and I’m a better mum for it.

There is something in other posts about giving into your little dictator. You’ll obviously get decent human beings regardless of what they eat and how many tantrums they have. It’s just a phase for your two year old, but it’s clearly making your life so difficult and impacting the relationship with not just your son but daughter too. I think your life would be easier in the medium term if you held some boundaries. In terms of food, if he screams endlessly for chocolate, coco pops, or bananas then by giving in, you prove it’s worthwhile for him. I would simply throw them out and stop buying them. His meals could just be what I call picky plates which have a little bit of an everything. Somethings they will hate and some are easy foods. They find them fun and if they opt not to eat anything, then no big deal, they’ve eaten something and can get down. This way mealtimes don’t become a battle and you don’t create a food hierarchy. I’ve found Dr Becky and Big Little Feelings really helpful resources for dealing with difficult behaviours. Consistent responses has helped my two year old but I totally get that sometimes they push your buttons on the wrong day and it all goes out the window.

in short - weekend away, husband pulls his weight, chuck the coco pops ! Good luck! You’re doing a great job.

Ask your parents over for the day to help. Grandies like to think they did better but they need reminding how bad it really is sometimes. Tell 'em you've got a headache and worry the kids aren't being cared for. All these people like to criticise - put them to work!

I really feel for you and my god I’ve been there, some days I’m still there!! Mine are older now, but still school age, the youngest (7) still sometimes has Nutella on toast for dinner because I don’t have the energy for the argument, and some days (ok, a lot of days) they have far too much screen time. But I’d say pick your battles, you can’t and won’t win them all. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, keep going, be kind to yourself.

I've got this kid too. Ive only got one, hes 2.5 years old and between me and my husband its a fucking nightmare going any where.so, Big Hugs!
After several trips to see the health visitor they think my son has a social communication disorder and he's now on a wait list for the pediatrician.
He's an ANGEL at nursery though, And he eats anything they give him. For me? Some fruits and carrots and either peanut butter on toast or, if we're on a reeeaaally good day, alphabites. Go easy on your self after a day at nursery, I feel like a failure on every day except those two days when he's happy to eat his toast and I'm not stressing what a shit parent I am so actually enjoy him.

It's all just so disheartening. But definitely speak to a health visitor about your concerns about behaviour.

People can say that they're old enough to understand, that they'll eat if they're hungry enough etc, but it's just not helpful if it's not true in your situation. Do please get some help with this.
I'm taking mine to a playgroup for children with communication issues/asd. The main draw for me is the big locked doors. You do not need a diagnosis to start accessing these services in many cases. Ask your children's Centre or health visitor to sign post you or Google SEN play groups/ early years advice in your borough.

Screen time is fine if you are struggling. Most of what's on cbeebies is either educational or semi educational anyway.

I haven't read all the comments, but I did see where you said you hope supporting your DH's dream will lead to him supporting you back.

It won't. I tried this & it just led to DH becoming more selfish & coming & going as he pleased, because he could. It wasn't until I put my foot down & pointed out he was treating me like a maid & nanny & it wasn't happening anymore that it changed.

He KNEW what he was doing & was taking advantage. My DH, by the way, is the 'nice' guy who wanted kids, but then didn't want to curtail his hobbies & saw a way out.

So don't ask. Make a plan and say no more, THIS is what's happening & make a regular time for yourself & don't budge. If he decides to make plans to get out of it, tough. Also tell.him.fo help clean. Any negative comments say, I'm glad you think I'm not coping, so do your bit & I will cope!!

Ignore all other judgey people. They can fuck off.

First of all you poor poor woman, it sounds horrendous in your life at the minute.
Secondly its not forever, but it damn sure feels like it right now. You are doing your best, its not easy at all, fuck them who want to judge you, tell em to have a child each and come back with a better attitude, not the kids your parents and inlaws.

Have the kids got a proper bedtime? Whatever that may be? 6.30/7/7.30 pm
When they are in bed you need to mind you, dinner for you can be a plate of veggies, microwave meal, chopper or chinese followed by a bloody great hunk or cake or chocolate and an hour with your feet up on the sofa watching shite on tv,
Then and only then do you throw a wash on, tidy up a bit and head for a nice shower or bath and bed. Set your cleaning to 30 or 60 minutes, whats done is done, feck the rest.
Tell hubby he must do 30 - 60 mins also that way there is loads done and no one ever died from an imperfect house. If he refuses tell him his balls are getting chopped off next time he closes his eyes. ( joking hmmm he can decide 0n that)

Daily - put a good bolt on all the doors you don't want the tiny terror escaping from, including the kitchen door and double bolt that kitchen door, so when you say he cant leave the room, he cant leave the damn room. Food at table or not at all.
Get them into the garden - rain, hail, sleet or snow, just wrap em up and let them get it all out of their system.
Nursery - can he do more days or hours during the week
Local teens - any to come along with you to help you out at the park, teens love money, pay em a fiver for an hour and get them to watch the older child, you watch satans love child ( I am joking lol)
Reins - he can call childline for all I care - reins on or we stand here until you give in buddy

Child seat - cable tie the wee treasure in if needs be, cable ties are cheap n cheerful, there are non escape harnesses, or just be horrible mammy and stop the car. Assuming the child locks and window clocks are activated, pull over to the side of the road and read your kindle, throw in earphones and drown his screams out.
Failing that a quick visit from the local policeman might work ( a stern talking to from a copper in uniform lol), I know he is only 2, but he aint stupid. Policeman telling him he has to wear that harness might just work

Try book yourself in for a treat on a Saturday, even an internet cafe where you spend 3 hours in peace, a library book and a coffee, a massage, pedicure, anything that's you time. Hubby can do the same its not a competition, but do try each week just to have some YOU time, a lie on, one day, he gets other weekend day.

Its not forever this time, but it feels like it. I was reading your post thinking if only I could help you out, you just sound overwhelmed and in need of a hug and a second set of hands.

Kids at this age love mess and chaos. Make a little bed on your living room floor, put waybaloo on and take your top off. Encourage them to draw roads on your back and then drive the toy cars on them. Have a snooze and a free massage. When that tires, put them in the garden with a bowl of flour, a bowl of ice cubes and maybe some coal (dunno where my toddler found it but she loved the taste!() some pebbles and loads of random toys. They’re very sensory at this age and can get fixated on a little mission if you have a sand pit and digger trucks etc. focus on praise now and reward and high pitched cheers when they do something well. It DOES get easier and really rewarding after this blip, I promise. Enjoy them when they’re cute and sod the housework, the dust will help their immune systems x

You might be just trying too hard and setting your standards too high. Accept you are going to live in a total mess and just have fun with your kids look for a good nursery fir the little one so you can get a break. Consider getting an au pair or part time nanny.

@glassdo Something about what you said about no set meal times made a little bit of sense to me as to why your 2 year old may be acting up..

My now 3 year old is absolutely manic when hungry. Or should I say 'hangry.' Acts like a complete lunatic, throwing themselves everywhere, biting, pinching, running into danger etc. It's when I know they're hungry. I should add this is one fussy eater too. Also the craving for sweet things ramps up when too hungry, the requests for chocolate was ridiculous.

Since I realised why the behaviour was so terrible, I now have breakfast ready immediately as soon as we're downstairs, use distraction techniques like talking about "what did you dream about? What would you like to wear today?" keep the conversation flowing so they don't realise they're consuming it. I spoon-feed if I have to. Lunch is as early as 11.20 some days, any later and I can see the red mist descend. Use the same format, chatter away at them, maybe some sticker books whilst they're eating. Take snacks everywhere so they're never too hungry.

We've gone from all day screaming to having pleasant and even enjoyable days.

I feel for you, I've been where you are. X

To add - I also cut coffee out, it spikes my cortisol which makes it harder to control my frustration when it's 'one of those days.'

OP you sound absolutely exhausted. No wonder, you have a lot on your plate.

You got really good advice on here already. I just wanted to add one small thing you could do to calm your system a little when you feel it’s all getting too much.

how is your breathing? would you be open to trying a more calming breath to regulate? If yes, then I’d recommend this pattern. 4 in, 8 out. Use only the nose if you can. Focus on the out breath

Get out of the house take them somewhere where they can burn off steam and you can have a break. You will never get on top of things while you are stuck in the house with them wrecking it. You need some time out for your own sanity

I would put away most of the toys and rotate them. I've got a pile hidden in the wardrobe because my grandson just throws them everywhere. I let him have my tablet to watch his netflix. I've used the old fashioned reins because they can't reach around the back to undo them. If they tantrum I ignore them to avoid feeding the hysteria. I don't shout but leave the room.

I suggest a day at nursery when you're not working so that you can have some me time, do some cleaning to your favourite music. I've sat in the car with a Costa latte in blissful silence.
I've also gone back to bed.

The meds for pnd do help too.

I would also ask GP for bloods in case you're anaemic.

Your mum is not helpful in her attitude either. I'd let her have him for a day

This made me craic up lsughing, I mesn that in a nice way, you are so right though

The demands for milk and bananas at night sound like he’s one of those children who aren’t massively motivated by food, but want to fill up quickly.

personally, I’d keep an eye on milk intake. >500ml/day at this age and they’re more likely to be iron deplete.

I’ve had 4 children and if they’d had one good meal during the day they were often too tired to engage with a “proper” meal at night. I’d often feed them at 4-430pm, then a sandwich or something later if they were hungry. The 5 bananas does sound like he’s actually hungry, but maybe too busy to engage with eating.

I really hear you on this. I too have days where I think fuck this, I cannot cope with this shit any longer. I also have a 4 year old and a 2 year old 😵‍💫 (and a 7 month old).

You're totally right, it's the 2 year olds age. They are such hard work at this age. And I've also watched my 4 year old just slowly grow out of most of the annoying behaviour.

Would your two year old go in one of those toddler walking pack backs so he can't run off? Or on one of those little push along trikes? Could have his reins on him as a back up?

My youngest sister was an absolute escape artist too and my mum used to use her reins on her and then a carabiner clip to attach her to the harness of the pram (basically so she was attached behind her back so she couldn't reach it).

I think the thing that's most frustrating with this sort of situation is that they directly mirror how you're feeling. If you're calm and happy and letting the chaos just breeze over you then generally the kids join in with that. If you're angry and frustrated by your situation then they argue and fight and don't listen and the whole situation escalates out of control. But when you're a mum you don't get to go and have a quiet cup of tea and regroup so you can cope better. You have to do it while the chaos is unfolding around you in order to break out of the cycle.

At times like this I've had to do what some consider some pretty drastic solutions but I see as radical out of the box thinking to find solutions to my problems. If your toddler can open stair gates (I'm assuming he can!) I'd put a small lock at the top of the kitchen door so he can't just run into the sitting room and wipe food everywhere for example.

I'd also decide what boundaries you want to have around his eating and stick to it. Ie he can have a banana at every meal alongside whatever else is being served and can eat what he likes. If he only eats the banana then he's eaten something, he's had the chance to eat something else. I'd get rid of (or hide extremely well!) the tempting food he prefers like the cocopops and chocolate.

Here's my top tip for getting through the winter with very young ones when you can't face going out. It's a game called Chase the Dot. It only really works once it's dark, but two months from now, it will be.

Get a torch. Close the blinds & turn off the light. Sit yourself down somewhere high up - back of the sofa, or on the kitchen worktop, or on the stairs. Turn on the torch and tell the kids they have to stomp on the dot of light. As soon as they get near it, flick it away and beam it somewhere else. If they like it, you can tease them by beaming it on the ceiling, or wiggling it around.

It's a good one because they run around like maniacs while you sit still!

Good luck OP, I feel your pain, I found it so hard at those ages.

Really sorry to say this, but your 2 year old is just reflecting what he sees from your husband and finding the limits It's your house, your rules. Your husband is being a twat so your child is.

I have a 4 yo. I have recently been watching episodes of Supernanny on YouTube and tried a few tricks for certain behaviors that I could relate my daughter with, and every one of them actually worked. One of the things I learnt is that shouting gets them even more excited and wild. And threats without actual consequences leads them to think that they are the ones in charge.
Good luck. You got this x