Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

First of all, it's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated as a parent, especially when you're doing it mostly on your own. It's also common for young children to have tantrums and not listen, so know that you're not alone in this struggle.
One thing that might help is to take a step back and try to identify the root of your anger. Is it really about your kids not listening, or is it about feeling unsupported and unappreciated? Once you have a better understanding of your emotions, you can address them more effectively.
It's also important to communicate your feelings to your husband and other family members. Let them know how much effort you put into keeping the house clean and how their lack of support makes you feel. It's possible that they don't realize the extent of your workload and may be willing to help out more.
In terms of your children not listening, it's important to set clear boundaries and consequences for their behavior. Consistency is key, so make sure you and your husband are on the same page with discipline. It's also important to praise and reward good behavior, as this can be more effective than constantly punishing bad behavior.

I've been there.

People will come on with loads of good suggestions - and I know that you probably just can't face doing any of them.

"Shoes on and out to the park" = yes, a good suggestion, but I'm well aware what an uphill struggle it can be to even get a 2 and 4 year old to put shoes on and go out the front door.

I get it. I'm not going to make suggestions because I know that everything is difficult.

Just know that you are not alone. And it will pass.

The only advice I can say is lower your standards.

I used to feel crap because the house was a tip and I felt like a total failure. A few years down the line I found that most people's houses were a total tip. You just don't see it.

This will pass x

When my boys were 4 and 2, they were draining the very life out of me. I loved them and hated them at the same time. No family to help, DH only around at weekends. I ended up getting professional help as I couldn't cope. Shouting and being angry was making it worse adding fire to fire. I swapped for quiet voice and lots of hugs to diffuse the situations. Took years of perseverance. I'm out the other side now. Two lovely loving boys.

Oh that sounds pants and it is hard. Sounds like you also have some pretty high expectations of yourself as well? All parents shout and get frustrated with their kids. Your two year old sounds like a determined and capable, dominant character. My advice is learn to let things go, the house is a shit hole, who cares? Your 4 year old wants to sharpen a pencil again? Go for it. It doesn't matter, there is no perfect way and sounds like you want things your way but parenting isn't like that. You need some time to yourself, stop judging you and your kids, come of social media if your on it. Try reading (audio book can be good) either the baby whisperer and or the book you wish your parents had read (Phillipa Perry) also how to speak to kids so they listen and listen so kids speak.
Most importantly this will pass, you care about and love your kids and mumming is so very hard and isolating but you will survive you might need help from your partner, parents, a therapist, a GP some mum friends but that's normal.

I wonder if a nursery would help your youngest? They tend to be socialised by copying how the group behaves. Many moons ago I worked in a nursery. The children soon settled when the mothers left and were worn out at home time. All mothers have these desperate days. You need to talk to your GP you sound at the end of your tether and you may need some medical help as well. Doctors are not able to be a great help but there are still brilliant ones out there. Your husband needs to find a job where he can be more present for his children. He will lose his family at this rate. Look at childcare options in your area. A strict routine helped me to manage my children. Everything exactly the same, early bed, sit down for food. The bedtime routine really helped, a bath and a story then back to bed if they get up again, don’t engage or talk to them, just straight back to bed, like super nanny does. You then know you get time off. It works eventually. Don’t hate yourself there are mothers all over the world going through the same thing. You sound so stressed out exhausted, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Well done for talking to us. Wishing you all the best. If I was your mum, I would be round there helping. Xx

Are you a “gentle parent” because honestly in this instance I think some good old fashioned shouting a scare tactics are probably in order, do t listen to all these tests who say “get down on their level and talk about their big feelings” sorry but f**k that shit, you are letting children rule your house and they need to learn who’s the boss, my Nan would have said “sting their legs for ‘em, give them something to cry about”

Sorry you are in a difficult parenting phase OP. You're not shit.

The school run comment resonated with me. I have 3 kids, one toddler and other two in primary. School run is a shit show 😬
Toddler runs away in the busy crowd, refuses to hold my hand, asks to be carried but she's quite heavy for me. Then the older two come out and immediately start either winding her up, each other up? Asking for snacks, telling me something 'important' then get annoyed if I'm not listening because I'm breaking up a fight between the other two or chasing the toddler. All while the other mums are trying to chat. It's the worst bit of parenting for me.

With your kids at the age they are I would say (kindly) pick your battles.

Don't run round tidying after them, get them to help or implement the rule of tidying one toy up before getting another out. Or just wait until they go to bed and do one big tidy then.

With the pencil and the homework, your child is looking for a little control when they have been in school all day being told what to do etc. let her sharpen the pencil. At that age just say "okay get everything you need ready and when you are ready come and find mummy" and leave her to it. At 4 pretty much everything is a power struggle. Give her control where you can so that when you say no, she knows you mean it. Give her choices. Do you want to do homework before or after dinner? Red pencil or blue pencil? It will do wonders.

With the younger one do as a PP said and basically train him. Take him all the fun places, parks, soft plays, walks etc and remind him before if he runs off you go home. Then follow through.
He has to see what he's missing but will soon learn.

My middle son was horrendous I couldn't take him anywhere and he's still a flight risk at any given opportunity but we've learned ways to deal with it.

Pick your battles and follow through. That's my advice.
Also, coffee.

Hi OP

I haven’t read the full thread, just all of your responses. I could have written this exact post a year ago. Husband works away a lot, 2 and 4 year old, 15 months apart, afraid to take them out in the open for their safety. A year on and things are completely different. They have grown up and matured and my youngest is better at communicating but here’s what helped me in the meantime

• find out what they like and do more of that. They like throwing? Basketball net or throwing soft toys in a wash basket etc. My youngest loves water so I’d run the kitchen sink full of bubbles, or give them a bath (for like an hour)
• stop giving big reactions to bad behaviour. They get a sensory kick out of the sound of your voice, facial expressions etc. keep calm and flat. “If you do not stop x by the time I count down from 3, I will take it away” count 3,2,1 the take it away and let them cry. Keep saying flatly “I asked you to stop and I told you I would take it away” Now I just need to say “3” and they do whatever I’ve asked. Keep your big reactions for good behaviour, nice pictures, lovely singing etc. also say well done / good listening etc when they do do what you’ve asked. I know you shouldn’t have to but it does help reinforce good behaviour, even if you’ve had to ask 100 times
• stop saying “don’t”. I don’t know if there’s science behind this but instead of saying “don’t climb up there” say “back down on the floor” or “sit on your seat”. It tells them exactly what you want them to do and you just feel better not saying “dont” or “no” all the time. This made a huge change for me.
• give them choices - do you want the red top or the blue one? It gives them a feeling of control over their life. (Also “do you want to walk down the stairs or will I carry you?”)
• feed them whatever. If they’re having a proper cooked lunch at nursery/school then I’m fine with chicken nuggets, wrap and cheese and fruit etc. my two love a picnic dinner
• give them iPads / CBeebies and take 10 min to have a cup of tea
• start small with going out. I went to a small enclosed playground where I could see the whole playground and therefore both kids all the time

This is a really tough stage and it WILL get better. You’re doing great and it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed by them sometimes. (Also I still lose my cool and shout at them. Nobody’s perfect)

Yanbu.

You are not shit. Those are extremely hard ages with that gap.

I know everyone's harping on about discipline for the 2 year old but in my experience (while boundaries are important), very quick 'no' and then a diversion is much easier and makes for an all round happier day. If you know something will spark a tantrum don't try to lecture just change subject and move on. They understand very little of consequences until 3 anyway so you really can just make work for yourself. Tbh I sometimes use bribes with the two year old to keep the day moving.

Follow the calm parenting podcast on Instagram I really rate this - he gives practical examples of how to deal with 'the strong willed child' and it has really helped me deal with those type of situations..

Also. If child having meltdown about nonsense (ie pencil sharpening), just say no and then ignore them like you're bored. This really works. Meltdowns are actually objectively fine - it just shows they are understanding that you've said no, they can't have their way, and that they aren't running the show. Ignore until they calm down then quickly change subject.

Also, as others have said, you should be getting at least a half day at the weekend to yourself - or taking one child each one day of the weekend to calm your nervous system a bit from the chaos.

Good luck! This stage will pass pretty quickly and they will both be in school!

I was just like you when my children were small. There are 22 months between them. I would run myself ragged all day trying to keep up with the kid's demands and needs whilst trying to keep the house in order. My husband would come home and immediately start tidying up, huffing and puffing as he went along. I felt shit and inadequate. What I know now is; that I was doing my best, I needed more help, my children were more important than the housework, my husband was more of a problem than me or my children ever were and people who judge are usually less inadequate than you would this. I was later diagnosed with post-natal depression after I went back to work. Trying to do all of those things and work 30 hours a week in the NHS was pretty much impossible and I had to resign in the end. I lost over 3 stone due to the stress and anxiety I was experiencing trying to be the perfect mother, wife, cleaner, chef and nurse. My advice to you is, to go and speak to your GP or failing that, get some counselling. My one regret is not doing this earlier. I got no joy from my children in those early years and I now feel an incredible sense of grief about it. Stand up to your husband and tell him that the children are more important than the dusting. If he wants a pristine house, he can do the cleaning. You and him have to lower your expectations for a few years. It is tough but it isn't worth your mental health, believe me, it isn't. Your children will pick up on how you feel and there is nothing better for them than a happy mother.

Bless you. You’re not alone. I’m a mam of 2 (8 and 1). It’s really tough. My husband works long hours and is just as messy as the kids lol. Days seem long and hard and I totally hear you. Please don’t feel like you’re doing a bad job. The kids don’t understand the stresses a mam feels, they just live day to day expecting to get what they want. It comes in time that they settle
down. Just remember that there are children out here with parents who don’t care about them, they choose alcohol drugs and nights out over their children. You love those kids and they love you, a house is material, and with time it will remain tidier but just now try not to overthink the house mess, I can honestly say I believe all mams are in the same boat, even if they deny it xx

Totally understand you and feel for you! But my husband is amazing who kicks me out of the house for an hour when he gets home or puts them both to bed so I can go to bed early. We have no support system at all just us 2 and he works alot of hours so I do it all alone. My toddler also runs away, school runs are embarrassing and so draining, my 2 year old runs and my 5 year old thinks she's helping by chasing him so we all end up running it's a daily disaster that I dread. My 2 year old doesn't sleep either and screams during the night and it's awful. He also moves chairs around the house and climbs/helps himself to what he wants. Mine used to be obsessed with milk but now hes only allowed a bottle at bedtime. If he doesnt eat his dinner he isnt allowed a treat after and when he sees his sister having one he soon eats it. I'm so sleep deprived, burnt out and fed up but there's literally nothing I can do about it! Not much help at all but I just want you to know your not alone x

Blame the man because he deserves blame. A mother has come to this forum at breaking point because her husband does F all to help with childcare and yet you think it’s down to OP to “take control.” OP also works, she deserves a break to and the husband needs to step up, they’re his children too.

My heart goes out to you. I haven’t read all the posts, but from what I have read, you need more support from the adults around you. Totally agree with all suggestions re lowering housework standards etc.

I had an absconder and escape artist. One of his earliest memories is of the fear on my face when I eventually found him after he ran off in the supermarket.

Some tips from my experience.

Absolute boundaries are reinforced calmly and consistently. Not undoing the car seat, not getting out of the buggy. Calm does not mean smiling though. I think that’s where some people go wrong (not saying you do): they try to use a gentle voice and send mixed messages. Stern and unsmiling is the way to go until they do what you want.

When you are in a safe open space — not a dense forest — let him run off. He will always come back, providing he doesn’t get lost. So for a year or two stick to open spaces.

In a couple of years — Walkie talkies. They’re fun, keep the children together, and allow you to keep track of them.

Keep all toys in one big box. Much easier to tidy up at the end of the day and they can help you do it.

Music. Lively when things need to be done (my son still has a Pavlovian reaction to In the Mood and starts looking round for toys to pick up. He’s 22.) Calming my at the end of the day as you wind them down before bed.

It will get better, I promise.

@MermaidMummy06's advice is good. Do that. Also tell him not to pass on comments from MIL.

Turn the door handles upside down.. I had to do this for my now 5 year old… only problem is now I automatically lift all door handles up, instead of down!! Worked though and confused the hell out of him!! Also, you can get things you can clip around straps on car seats etc, to stop them getting out if they are open. Children are mini adults…. Sometimes remembering you wouldn’t let someone your own age/status treat you like that can put a little fire in your belly and help.
You are doing a good job! And posting on here shows how much you care about them. Just take life one min, one step and one breath at a time. And be kind to yourself!!!

Buy a besafe clip for car seat and make sure he's still rear facing

Nah, he's two and the husband is never there. The two year old will be oblivious to his dad. He may not even realize he has a dad.

Oh it’s so hard, I remember it well, had 3 under 5 and now all teens. It’s relentless, the constant demands and thankless jobs all for them. Then you get cross and the guilt and anger at yourself for reacting builds too. Your husband needs to read this thread, as do your in-laws and parents. You sound at breaking point and if you break, what will they do? If you can get the 2 year old more nursery sessions do it. Do homework only if they are in the mood otherwise it’s stressful and pointless. Could that be a job for DH or a grandparent? After school club? Do what you need to just to get through right now. Let the house go for now, good idea about the toy declutter though. Do you think you might need some help from the GP, talking therapy or meds? It will get easier, at least physically!

You are not alone sometimes we can be overwhelmed and the smallest things trigger us just give your babies the biggest hugs when they are stressing out it will help you both it’s not easy but your doing it don’t ever let anyone make you feel your not doing a good job kids can be assholes just like adults

I think you are getting a lot of well meaning but pointless advice from people who have literally no idea what it's like to parent a "runner". My first 2 were so clingy and would never run off, didn't realize at time but they were easy kids. Number 3 would run off, thought it was hilarious and I was also pregnant (2 years between the last 2) it was so unbelievably stressful and I understand completely why you feel like you can't take them both out alone. If it helps, he is now close to 4 and he is an absolute delight. Such a happy and kind kid and finally doesn't run off!!
A saying that helped me get through the toughest time was "if all I did today was fill my child with love, today was a good day." So while I do my best with the house, my priority is always caring for my children and trying my best not to get cross with them (I'm not perfect at this but it's getting better) we also babyproofed a LOT with gates to keep him contained to a room at a time and locks on cupboards so he couldn't dump everything out (again this wasn't necessary with my first kids because they were easy kids). When I'm struggling I ask myself "how can I make this situation feel better?" And it might be watching a show or making them some chicken nuggets, even these small things can improve the mood so much. Also made sure out garden is fully secure and have lots of outdoor play equipment, chalk bubbles etc and sit outside with a coffee while they play but know they can't escape. My husband did sometimes think it was unnecessary or inconvenient to have the gates but I told him that it was absolutely non negotiable for me because he never has all the kids alone to understand what it's like.

While the kids are hard work, your husband really needs to help you more. It's a huge job and should not be all left to you.
Hang in there, it will get a whole lot better

A few things to say but the first is YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING Job. It's the hardest thing in the world.

That being said, children pick up on your energy and by feeling so stressed it's hard to feel positive and calm. Children mimic behaviour and feelings from people closest to them. Not sure how but you are going to need to figure out a way to relay that calmness to them. Even having calm alone time with each of them might help. Like on a Saturday morning with your youngest and the afternoon with your eldest for example.

2 is such a tricky age as their vocabulary isn't as much as it will be yet so it can be pretty hectic. It's the testing boundaries age. How far can he push you age. He wants to know you'll still love him no matter what he does. Second time round it's harder to manage because youre already giving your all and more so you just want things to be easier. This is not that time. One day it will be, but today is not that day.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it's a YOU problem that you're triggered by mess and an untidy house. Not sure if it's pressure from your husband or in laws that makes you stress about it. It is inevitable that the house will become messy, they are children that want to explore, and you want to let them, even if it looks like they're just destroying evreything. Have a sort out of toys and get rid of the toys (or at least hide them) that have lots of parts and bits.. They are the MOST annoying toys.

Don't pay any attention to your husband with whatever he says that makes you feel like shit. Tell him you want a week off and if he thinks it's easy and you don't do much, see how he gets on. He'd change his mind super fast. Seriously, book a weekend away to see a friend and he can crack on.

@glassdo
Does your buggy have any rings to attach the harness from a set of reins? Reins usually have the catch at the back. I'm sure he couldn't reach that if it's behind him.