Page 3 | Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

glassdo · 2024-09-15T12:54:55+00:00

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life. My kids are two and four and it's so relentless. I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed. Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants. I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up. I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in. I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore I'm absolutely fuming today.

ohfook · 18/09/2024 06:41

I have a family member exactly like your son and the family dynamics are very similar in that everybody has advice and judgment but nobody is offering practical help. I may have even been similar until I offered to babysit and realised how hard 'just taking them to the park' was. So please know you're not alone.

In my experience toddlers are wild they have no idea about social cues or impulse control at all and a huge amount of people wonder if their kid has some sort of additional need and a lot of the time it's just general toddler weirdness. However my family member did turn out to have quite complex needs so maybe keep it in mind and keep a watchful eye out.

Finally you need to try to explain to your husband that while he's at work, work is his job and parenting is yours. Then when he finishes work you switch to tag teaming parenting so you both get a bit of downtime because if he doesn't start understand this then he'll be having to deal with the kids on his own at the very least every other weekend. That'll be the hardest bit if your description of your husband is anything to go by.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 18/09/2024 06:39

glassdo · 17/09/2024 13:13

The root of my anger is twofold :

1 I'm pissed off because the buck always stops with me when it comes to the kids. It feels like my husband swans or swarms ? in and out as he pleases. If I go for a shower, I have to announce it- he goes upstairs and just lies down for hours. I feel like I'm always looking for him at weekends. He's always leaving me and the kids alone. He is now really into the lawn and will spend hours doing that, when he's here. I'm the idiot that's just always with the kids. I'm pissed because even when he sees I am at my wits end, he won't just say ' have a cup of tea or go upstairs for a lie down- I've got this '. He'll just continue retreating to the bedroom or to his office to watch TV. He says I'm always on his back, when I try to find him..

2 I am also pissed off because when I'm feeling ok, I do try and use all the tactics - stay firm, give choices, don't shout, praise them, reward them etc etc etc but it just often doesn't work. They still do what they want ( mostly 2 year old ) and it pisses me off. If I talk to my mum about it, she's like ' oh he can't do that, you've got to stop him from doing that ' it's so fucking easy to say isn't it !! ' stop him doing that ' or it if I say my DD was a bit of a pain after school - ' stop her doing that, you never did that '.. even on here.. ' you just have to be firm ' I fucking am firm a lot ! It doesn't work. Also as helpful as this post has been, really thank you everyone. Some of the other shit you read on here leaves you feeling so inadequate! So many posters are so high up on their horse- no screen time, never eat anywhere but the table, strict routines, cleaning with their kids in tow.. it makes me feel like crap even more reading all these mums going at each other for allowing a child screen time at a table for example. There are so many examples. It does not help and sometimes I think I need to just stop reading. Again, I really appreciate everyone's input on my post, it has made me feel better. But some of the stuff on here is not helpful for me.

it makes me feel like crap even more reading all these mums going at each other for allowing a child screen time at a table for example.

If it makes you feel better, I can only get my 21 month old to eat dinner (and sometimes lunch as well) if she's watching Mr Tumble or The Gruffalo on the laptop. There are a lot of smug perfect parents around, especially on MN, but most of us are just muddling along, being a bit crap.

Dibbydoos · 18/09/2024 04:47

Sending a big hug @glassdo it sounds completely exhausting.

Your DS may have additional needs - did your DD behave like this before he came along? If not, she sees him getting away with it and has joined in, sadly.

If they are good elsewhere, that doesn't mean it's you, btw so don't think that.

Have you asked them why they do what they do? Why they behave badly? Have you asked them if they do it to upset you? Or if they want to upset you? Have you told the children how their behaviour upsets you and why? I'd start having big conversations with them. Don't guilt them just talk.

Parenting is not easy and criticism from others is beyond aggravating. Ask your mum to sort them out if they start whilst she's there. Let your DH sort them out when he's home. You are not the only adult around, use those who criticise you, good luck x

Feelinglow27 · 18/09/2024 04:41

Your husband is a prick. Not sure what you do about that, but it's not going to be helping you with the resentment adding to the negative emotions you've got going on.

I get the irritation with the bouncing. My 9 year old is the same. None stop physicality. But it's normal so it's your reaction that you need to try to control.

I've been working on this myself. I've been making sure I eat well, multivitamins, keep hydrated and sleeping well. Helps with being able to regulate emotions.

Do any of the grandparents ever have the kids for a day? In the hope it will give them an understanding of how hard it is.

You can't pour from an empty cup. You need a break.

Lower the expectations put on yourself. If your husband is unhappy about meals let him have a crack at managing it. Fuck other people opinions. You're in survival mode atm - do what you need to to get through it.

JudithOx · 18/09/2024 04:22

glassdo · 17/09/2024 18:23

I'm getting so fucking irritated again guys.

I've been on calls all day and went to pick up DD. Thankfully she didn't throw a tantrum when I picked her up but she kept asking to go to the park with her friend. Her friend was busy and so I said let's scoot around the park. So she did and was happy. She didn't want to go home of course.

When we got home I let her drive around some more on her scooter. She had dinner and now she's wanted to dance so I've had the music on really loudly, as she loves that. She then drank some water and started spilling it everywhere which was annoying. But she just won't stop bouncing up and down on the sofa. She's been scooting around outside for quite a while, at school until 3:30 and she's still just bouncing up and down on the sofa and constantly moving around. She can't sit still. She has so much energy. The constant bouncing on the sofa is really annoying me. I'm just so overstimulated. Now she's watching Mickey Mouse and just keeps bouncing up and down on the sofa.

I can feel the rage building each time she jumps up and down. She's not standing on the sofa, but sitting bouncing.

Anyway it will be fine but I'm still feeling on edge. It's just such a slog every day.

Little mister hasn't been so bad this evening. He had some pasta, whilst drinking milk.. he came in from nursery requesting milk, so I gave him some with his pasta and he ate a whole plate.

He's just sitting chilling now, more or less, but she's so bouncy. How can she still have energy ? I don't get it. She's been up since 6ish.

This is typical behaviour for children this age. You seem to have unrealistic expectations. This is what healthy, happy children do. Either learn to live with it, or outsource it. Happy, healthy children bounce, jump, dance. All the time. My thirteen-year-old boy still likes to bounce a ball around the house after an endless day of soccer matches, school fitness, etc. If it bothers me, I remind myself that a healthy, active child is a blessing.

JudithOx · 18/09/2024 04:16

Cupooee · 15/09/2024 15:52

Are you in an abusive relationship OP?

You sound as if you might be?
Your husband is a bully, undermines you, speaks badly to you and about you?

It sounds so hard.
Have you thought about how you are being treated?

Does he look after the children on his own at all?

What is your housing/ work situation?

In your place I would be packing a bag and heading off dor a few days peace next friday and leave him to it for the weekend.

No warning, just tell him to collect the children from nursery and simply not come home.

Stop all contact with your in laws too.
You need to stand up for yourself.

This. Your husband is in a very comfortable position, and will not change unless you force him to. I would ask him to pick up the kids from nursery (or wherever) and then disappear for the weekend, with a message stating that you need some time off because you're not feeling well, and it's not fair for the kids.

Also, you need to have a serious conversation and tell him to do his share. Otherwise, start thinking of leaving... Being a single mum will be better than doing a single mum's job, being married. You'll resent him forever otherwise. The fifties are over, by the way. Let him know about this.

glowfrog · 17/09/2024 22:00

Your husband sounds like a dick, @glassdo. I'm sorry he's so useless and unappreciative. Any chance you could ditch him? Then at least you won't have to put up with him as well, and he might just have to do some childcare..

Chillimuma · 17/09/2024 20:59

Your husband sounds like a bellend. Mine has some similar vibes with wondering off at weekend for a nap without saying anything

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 17/09/2024 19:14

It really does sound like she needs to physically stim to process the world around her. She is probably a vestibular and proprioceptive sensory seeker. It's why she's always in things, emptying things, bouncing, moving, dancing, scooting. She needs this.

MultiplaLight · 17/09/2024 19:13

Have you got space for a trampoline? Least she'd be outside bouncing then.

She sounds relatively normal for that age. They are just bundles of energy. Is school a free play environment or more traditional?

MultiplaLight · 17/09/2024 19:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MultiplaLight · 17/09/2024 19:13

Have you got space for a trampoline? Least she'd be outside bouncing then.

She sounds relatively normal for that age. They are just bundles of energy. Is school a free play environment or more traditional?

Nafotdbs · 17/09/2024 19:12

glassdo · 17/09/2024 18:23

I'm getting so fucking irritated again guys.

I've been on calls all day and went to pick up DD. Thankfully she didn't throw a tantrum when I picked her up but she kept asking to go to the park with her friend. Her friend was busy and so I said let's scoot around the park. So she did and was happy. She didn't want to go home of course.

When we got home I let her drive around some more on her scooter. She had dinner and now she's wanted to dance so I've had the music on really loudly, as she loves that. She then drank some water and started spilling it everywhere which was annoying. But she just won't stop bouncing up and down on the sofa. She's been scooting around outside for quite a while, at school until 3:30 and she's still just bouncing up and down on the sofa and constantly moving around. She can't sit still. She has so much energy. The constant bouncing on the sofa is really annoying me. I'm just so overstimulated. Now she's watching Mickey Mouse and just keeps bouncing up and down on the sofa.

I can feel the rage building each time she jumps up and down. She's not standing on the sofa, but sitting bouncing.

Anyway it will be fine but I'm still feeling on edge. It's just such a slog every day.

Little mister hasn't been so bad this evening. He had some pasta, whilst drinking milk.. he came in from nursery requesting milk, so I gave him some with his pasta and he ate a whole plate.

He's just sitting chilling now, more or less, but she's so bouncy. How can she still have energy ? I don't get it. She's been up since 6ish.

I wish I knew how they just keep going and going! The more tired my oldest gets the more frantic his behaviour seems to be.

How do you handle yourself when overstimulated? Genuine question. I find it all a bit much sometimes and have found that wearing ear defenders can really help. Sometimes they're just being kids (spilling water, bouncing on the sofa sort of thing) and I kind of feel my reaction to it is more a me thing than a them thing (we have a sofa which is okay for rough play and one which isn't, and are pretty strict on that, but sometimes even when it's the okay for rough play one I'm just not in the right head space for it and find it too much, but they're not technically breaking any rules so I try and distract myself and block it out a bit). Deep breaths, sit on the front step with the door semi pulled too so I have an ear out but I'm a bit removed from it, have a cold drink, put on the ear defenders, all these things help.

Original poster

glassdo · 17/09/2024 18:23

I'm getting so fucking irritated again guys.

I've been on calls all day and went to pick up DD. Thankfully she didn't throw a tantrum when I picked her up but she kept asking to go to the park with her friend. Her friend was busy and so I said let's scoot around the park. So she did and was happy. She didn't want to go home of course.

When we got home I let her drive around some more on her scooter. She had dinner and now she's wanted to dance so I've had the music on really loudly, as she loves that. She then drank some water and started spilling it everywhere which was annoying. But she just won't stop bouncing up and down on the sofa. She's been scooting around outside for quite a while, at school until 3:30 and she's still just bouncing up and down on the sofa and constantly moving around. She can't sit still. She has so much energy. The constant bouncing on the sofa is really annoying me. I'm just so overstimulated. Now she's watching Mickey Mouse and just keeps bouncing up and down on the sofa.

I can feel the rage building each time she jumps up and down. She's not standing on the sofa, but sitting bouncing.

Anyway it will be fine but I'm still feeling on edge. It's just such a slog every day.

Little mister hasn't been so bad this evening. He had some pasta, whilst drinking milk.. he came in from nursery requesting milk, so I gave him some with his pasta and he ate a whole plate.

He's just sitting chilling now, more or less, but she's so bouncy. How can she still have energy ? I don't get it. She's been up since 6ish.

OP posts:

TheMamaLife · 17/09/2024 17:15

I hope you’re feeling better today. Fuck what others think. You’re doing an amazing job. No one knows how hard it is but you, and you don’t need validation from anyone. These difficult days will pass.

Be kind to yourself. Let your standards of tidiness slip. Fuck it. It doesn’t matter. If the little one doesn’t eat, don’t worry too much. They’ll get hungry soon enough and have a lovely big meal. Celebrate small wins for yourself.

Mum life is a difficult and lonely one, but I’m praying that it’s going to get better and that all my efforts and hard work will be seen, eventually, by my little monsters one day. Hang in there. It’s all we can do.

Aria999 · 17/09/2024 16:40

OP not sure if you'be hidden the thread yet but I just wanted to add that the one thing that made both of mine listen at age two was put a toy on the shelf for 5 minutes if they didn't do what I asked them. With a timer.

Either a favorite toy or whatever they are currently playing with.

You may have tried it already!

Beautifulweeds · 17/09/2024 16:00

No one can prepare you for how hard it is when your DC are challenging, especially the toddler phase. Please try to take a deep breath, lnow this will pass and choose your battles. You don't have to be supermum and keep the house immaculate, do what works for you. If it's a banana (healthy), give him a banana!

Honestly, there was a time (which seemed to go on forever) that no matter what I did or where I took our DC to, it was just a constant battle. It felt impossible 😪 and it it was exhausting. Try to take a break on your own if you can, I used to escape sometimes and it really helped. Xx

OhMaria2 · 17/09/2024 15:44

OhMaria2 · 17/09/2024 15:43

You are letting him treat you like that. Why are there no consequences for his deliberate actions? No advice we can give you will help unless you are firm with him. Have you lost your shit at him instead of screaming into a pillow?

His job stops when he comes home. Your job as stay at home mum stops when he gets home. After that it's 50/50. Not you on duty 24 hours a day. He's a piss taker and you are letting him take the piss.
You also start pissing off and leaving him with the kids. stop announcing your shower etc. He's conditioned you to do this with his moods I'll bet. Conform or bet met with sulking and atmospheres?

Show quote history

OP it makes me so cross to see a woman driven to distress by lazy partners. He's making a bed for a failed marriage.

OhMaria2 · 17/09/2024 15:43

glassdo · 17/09/2024 13:13

The root of my anger is twofold :

1 I'm pissed off because the buck always stops with me when it comes to the kids. It feels like my husband swans or swarms ? in and out as he pleases. If I go for a shower, I have to announce it- he goes upstairs and just lies down for hours. I feel like I'm always looking for him at weekends. He's always leaving me and the kids alone. He is now really into the lawn and will spend hours doing that, when he's here. I'm the idiot that's just always with the kids. I'm pissed because even when he sees I am at my wits end, he won't just say ' have a cup of tea or go upstairs for a lie down- I've got this '. He'll just continue retreating to the bedroom or to his office to watch TV. He says I'm always on his back, when I try to find him..

2 I am also pissed off because when I'm feeling ok, I do try and use all the tactics - stay firm, give choices, don't shout, praise them, reward them etc etc etc but it just often doesn't work. They still do what they want ( mostly 2 year old ) and it pisses me off. If I talk to my mum about it, she's like ' oh he can't do that, you've got to stop him from doing that ' it's so fucking easy to say isn't it !! ' stop him doing that ' or it if I say my DD was a bit of a pain after school - ' stop her doing that, you never did that '.. even on here.. ' you just have to be firm ' I fucking am firm a lot ! It doesn't work. Also as helpful as this post has been, really thank you everyone. Some of the other shit you read on here leaves you feeling so inadequate! So many posters are so high up on their horse- no screen time, never eat anywhere but the table, strict routines, cleaning with their kids in tow.. it makes me feel like crap even more reading all these mums going at each other for allowing a child screen time at a table for example. There are so many examples. It does not help and sometimes I think I need to just stop reading. Again, I really appreciate everyone's input on my post, it has made me feel better. But some of the stuff on here is not helpful for me.

You are letting him treat you like that. Why are there no consequences for his deliberate actions? No advice we can give you will help unless you are firm with him. Have you lost your shit at him instead of screaming into a pillow?

His job stops when he comes home. Your job as stay at home mum stops when he gets home. After that it's 50/50. Not you on duty 24 hours a day. He's a piss taker and you are letting him take the piss.
You also start pissing off and leaving him with the kids. stop announcing your shower etc. He's conditioned you to do this with his moods I'll bet. Conform or bet met with sulking and atmospheres?

Nafotdbs · 17/09/2024 15:03

glassdo · 17/09/2024 13:13

The root of my anger is twofold :

1 I'm pissed off because the buck always stops with me when it comes to the kids. It feels like my husband swans or swarms ? in and out as he pleases. If I go for a shower, I have to announce it- he goes upstairs and just lies down for hours. I feel like I'm always looking for him at weekends. He's always leaving me and the kids alone. He is now really into the lawn and will spend hours doing that, when he's here. I'm the idiot that's just always with the kids. I'm pissed because even when he sees I am at my wits end, he won't just say ' have a cup of tea or go upstairs for a lie down- I've got this '. He'll just continue retreating to the bedroom or to his office to watch TV. He says I'm always on his back, when I try to find him..

2 I am also pissed off because when I'm feeling ok, I do try and use all the tactics - stay firm, give choices, don't shout, praise them, reward them etc etc etc but it just often doesn't work. They still do what they want ( mostly 2 year old ) and it pisses me off. If I talk to my mum about it, she's like ' oh he can't do that, you've got to stop him from doing that ' it's so fucking easy to say isn't it !! ' stop him doing that ' or it if I say my DD was a bit of a pain after school - ' stop her doing that, you never did that '.. even on here.. ' you just have to be firm ' I fucking am firm a lot ! It doesn't work. Also as helpful as this post has been, really thank you everyone. Some of the other shit you read on here leaves you feeling so inadequate! So many posters are so high up on their horse- no screen time, never eat anywhere but the table, strict routines, cleaning with their kids in tow.. it makes me feel like crap even more reading all these mums going at each other for allowing a child screen time at a table for example. There are so many examples. It does not help and sometimes I think I need to just stop reading. Again, I really appreciate everyone's input on my post, it has made me feel better. But some of the stuff on here is not helpful for me.

Comparison is the thief of joy. There's always going to be someone doing better than you in that moment, there will also be many people feeling like they're treading water and many having a worse day. Comparing the many facets of the life you know intimately with the fleeting moment you witness or read about someone else's life is really setting yourself up to fail. I promise!

My mate and I both have similarly aged kids. We both had eachother up on a pedestal as a perfect mum. I genuinely never saw her lose her shit and her kids are incredible. I love her to bits but I found her a bit threatening. Then one day over a few cocktails she asked me how I do it. How I stay calm, how my kids always seem to be polite and well behaved and I laughed my head off. My kids are feral, hers are straight out of Mary Poppins! Except I was only seeing her kids when they were in guest mode, and vice versa. We weren't seeing the nitty gritty, whingy, shitty moments. But we were experiencing them in our own lives bloody constantly!! Honestly, comparing is just the devil's work.

Cardamomandlemons · 17/09/2024 14:43

Really into the lawn? That would annoy me so much. I'd write "they're your kids too" in weedkiller on the grass if that was my situation. Maybe don't do that...yet...

IOSTT · 17/09/2024 14:29

OP, I don’t think your DH will suddenly change his attitude towards you and the children if he attains his “dream”. It sounds like you need as much help as you can get. You may need to organise for eg an au pair, or nanny, or cleaner etc. You don’t need DHs permission. Just do it. I would suggest you speak to your GP again, explain the situation. If you can get more help from others with the children, you might be able to feel more relaxed which would then be better for your children. As you know, you cannot continue like this. You need to start putting yourself first, just as your husband puts himself first. If he disappears for hours to watch tv, then you need to disappear for hours too, eg for a long walk, or massage, or to meet friends etc. YOU are the only one that can change this situation. Hopefully you will come back soon and let us know how you are doing. Sending you a big hug 🫂

IOSTT · 17/09/2024 14:11

excitednerves · 17/09/2024 10:00

Hi OP

I haven’t read the full thread, just all of your responses. I could have written this exact post a year ago. Husband works away a lot, 2 and 4 year old, 15 months apart, afraid to take them out in the open for their safety. A year on and things are completely different. They have grown up and matured and my youngest is better at communicating but here’s what helped me in the meantime

find out what they like and do more of that. They like throwing? Basketball net or throwing soft toys in a wash basket etc. My youngest loves water so I’d run the kitchen sink full of bubbles, or give them a bath (for like an hour)
stop giving big reactions to bad behaviour. They get a sensory kick out of the sound of your voice, facial expressions etc. keep calm and flat. “If you do not stop x by the time I count down from 3, I will take it away” count 3,2,1 the take it away and let them cry. Keep saying flatly “I asked you to stop and I told you I would take it away” Now I just need to say “3” and they do whatever I’ve asked. Keep your big reactions for good behaviour, nice pictures, lovely singing etc. also say well done / good listening etc when they do do what you’ve asked. I know you shouldn’t have to but it does help reinforce good behaviour, even if you’ve had to ask 100 times
stop saying “don’t”. I don’t know if there’s science behind this but instead of saying “don’t climb up there” say “back down on the floor” or “sit on your seat”. It tells them exactly what you want them to do and you just feel better not saying “dont” or “no” all the time. This made a huge change for me.
give them choices - do you want the red top or the blue one? It gives them a feeling of control over their life. (Also “do you want to walk down the stairs or will I carry you?”)
feed them whatever. If they’re having a proper cooked lunch at nursery/school then I’m fine with chicken nuggets, wrap and cheese and fruit etc. my two love a picnic dinner
give them iPads / CBeebies and take 10 min to have a cup of tea
start small with going out. I went to a small enclosed playground where I could see the whole playground and therefore both kids all the time

This is a really tough stage and it WILL get better. You’re doing great and it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed by them sometimes. (Also I still lose my cool and shout at them. Nobody’s perfect)

Yes - if you say “don’t run” the brain hears the word “run” and it activates the brain pathways for “run”!

Original poster

glassdo · 17/09/2024 13:27

joolsella · 17/09/2024 13:20

I only have one kid but ages 2 and 4 were both hideous

Starting school was a challenge too

You're going through the worst times of childhood (i hear the teen years are hard)

I feel your pain. I did scream sometimes. That's passed now i have a six year old

When they were 1 and 3 it also wasn't easy I must say. I think when my little one had turned 2 it was easier. He's heading towards 2 and a half now and I think that's a really challenging age. 2 and a half was very challenging with my daughter too. But as she came closer to 3, things got better.

Here's to hoping for better days.

OP posts:

joolsella · 17/09/2024 13:20

I only have one kid but ages 2 and 4 were both hideous

Starting school was a challenge too

You're going through the worst times of childhood (i hear the teen years are hard)

I feel your pain. I did scream sometimes. That's passed now i have a six year old