Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

Get yourself a day off. Book the 2yo into nursery and chill. Your cup needs refilling.

Lower your standards.

Get the 2yo out, by hook or by crook. They need walking twice a day at that age. Find something he will tolerate, scooter, balance bike, rucksack with handle. Make. The 4yo responsible and big them up. Pick your battles too. If you have a park with a fence round, that's a good place to start. We have one with one exit/entrance and it was a godsend ruth kids this age. Worth the faff of getting out.

Have nursery suggested additional needs in the 2yo? Even if they haven't, start reading about parenting children with additional needs.

Op, why do you feel the need to keep a tidy house at all times, is this what your other half expects? We have a toddler, so not two kiddies like you, but she’s a handful at the best of times, so I just spot clean the house when I feel really tired/overwhelmed/stressed (I also work full time). Ditch the cleaning and try to steal some me time. Your husband should do house chores more.

I think you aren't getting enough support from the adults around you and it's transferring into anger at the kids behaviour.

I've had days like this and it is SO frustrating trying to keep a house on a relatively sane order with two little kids running around.

Get out, get the kids sorted and in bed and just chill tonight. Then I think you need to start looking at your support structures - why and when do you feel undermined but husband, in laws, parents etc? Are they undermining you or are you feeling prickly because you're worn down (not trying to invalidate but I've had times when I've felt very judged but I wasn't, I was just tired and stressed and sensitive). If they are genuinely this unhelpful, can you expand you social circles/support structures in anyway? Can you have productive conversations with your husband to convey how you feel? If not, would counselling be of any use?

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, it is so hard and especially if you're not feeling seen and heard

I am very laid back with low expectations and it's helped me to just pick my battles. If sitting at the table is stressful for everyone just plonk them on the sofa with a blanket on their laps to eat.

If you use screens to get some peace don't stress about it.

It's so relentless and can be miserable and horrid when they are at that age but just try and not sweat the small stuff.

If all he wants is a banana or chocolate after nursery,why can't he have a banana? That and a glass of milk is fine if that's all he wants. It doesn't have to be home cooked masterpiece.

You talk about how long you spend getting the house THIS good. Can you lower your standards? Ok stuff has to be clean, safe, hygienic etc but a bit of mess is fine. Some nights I just don't have the energy to put away the toys they'll pull out in 12 hours so I don't. If I had space I'd have a dishwasher.

How much does DH do when he's home? How often is he home? Do your families know you're struggling?

Importantly, at least to begin with I'd use that day to do nothing at all or do whatever makes you happy, not housework or work or any kind of drudgery.

Very similar approach. Never did much with them. Didn’t enjoy kiddie things. They’re 27 and 35 now and it didn’t harm them in the slightest

I'd up the days and have a day off a week when both the kids are in childcare/school.

Sorry I just saw you have a garden

Get them out there...if you can't take them to the park, get in the garden with them. If it's cold, wrap up. Give them a picnic lunch in the garden so they can eat out there.

This. It's golden advice. I have total empathy with you being absolutely knackered, but you have to stop giving in and making a rod for your own back.

Any chance the 2 year old could have a couple of days in nursery, or more, and you can have those days to yourself? Are you planning on returning to work at some point?

Maybe an unpopular opinion but if the homework is causing you so much stress, just don't do it.

Do you have a garden op?

My kids are similar ages OP - it’s bloody hard work and my husband works from home so I can get some breaks. You’re dealing with so much on your own. Are any breaks available to you? When will your husband be home?

I don’t know if it helps but I was a pushover parent and things worked out fine. I found some iPad games suitable for toddlers and played them endlessly. I had the wiggles playing 24/7. I took the easy way out at every turn and got through in the end. I didn’t have rules, we ate snacks on a towel in front of the tv, my kid had a bottle or dummy whenever they wanted one even after they got too old for one. We didn’t go out and do enrichment activities because I couldn’t be bothered.

I think a happy lazy mum in a messy house is nicer for the kid than an upset organised mum. Maybe get some childminding help or some cleaning help. Right now just focus on getting through these years.

I have one a similar age OP and just want to offer a handhold, it is SO hard! Fortunately mine is still small enough to physically manhandle into the buggy then she can run about in the enclosed playground bit of the park.

Are there any relatives or friends who'd come for a walk with you/playground on a weekend just for an extra pair of hands? Some toddlers suddenly pipe down when a new adult is there.

If not, keep chucking him in the garden every opportunity. Go in the loo and breathe for 2 mins if you need to. This too shall pass.

God my youngest was like that and I hated taking him anywhere. The stares. The judgement. I spent most of the time wanting to cry.
I know it’s unhelpful but your DH needs to do more. One person coping with all this alone will break eventually. It’s too much.

Oh! That sounds really miserable. Are you able to book a babysitter for this evening, even just for an hour or two? Is there someone local who could visit and help you? Could you invite some of their friends over?

You are definitely NOT shit!

Being a parent is really hard, especially when your OH is away lots, and your two are testing all your limits. I understand how you feel the GPs see you but you can exact your revenge by asking them to help.

Kids that age rule the house like a dictator if you let them. Try to be firmer. Try to ignore him. Don’t fight fire with fire. I’d put him in a playpen and try to get on with my day. I really do know how bad it can be but you’ve got to show him who is in charge.

'If I give him nothing, he just won't eat. He gets a bottle of milk and that's it.'

So what? My two year old did that and only got milk for dinner, many many times. Food was offered, whichever option I was giving him. And only at the table. And no chocolate. If he didn't eat what I gave him, fine. He didn't eat then.

Now he eats or he doesn't, he won't die of starvation. But it's my way or the highway.