Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

I can hear your exhaustion and rage!

First of all, this too shall pass, and give yourself a break

Lower your cleaning standards - don't know how much space you have but so long as your own bedroom is calm and tidy and your kitchen and bathroom are hygienic that is all that is really necessary.

Homework isn't necessary for primary school aged children - just tell school it won't be happening. It sounds like you could do with a bit of time with just your eldest though if little one is such a handful.

Nutrition is best looked at over a week, not a day. If its milk and banana for tea for a few weeks it's fine. Keep offering the other stuff and be chill about it either way. Might just be too tired after nursery.

Everyone else can Do One with their judgment (which may just be your perception), or be practically helpful.

I know it's hard to get out but usually that makes such a difference. I do honestly feel that a decent chuck outside (not the garden) makes a difference to toddlers mood as well.

Will they stop having tantrums? No, but sometimes they have less when outside when they get to 'take the lead', dont have to worry about not making mess/breaking things and aren't rushed along.

Go to a field, put 2yr old in reins, let him strop outside, ignore it, zero fucks given to what other people think, let 4yr old totter about. Follow their lead, try not to rush them.

Buy some snacks from the shop rather than making anything, doesn't matter if they get messy.

It's tough, but I'd much rather be able to get out the house than be stuck inside in a constant cycle of tidying/tantrums. The noise is less grating.

Does the 2 yr old go to nursery? If so, try to not exhaust yourself about the house being super clean and tidy, it's impossible with kids without stressing yourself. As long as the main areas are clean, a bit of mess isn't a problem.

I was told by my parents (Asian) that after the first two times my db(s) and I were slapped, we became exemplary in our behaviour. We honestly do not remember the slapping, but I tend to believe them.

OP, I am so sorry. I'm not surprised you want to scream. This can't go on.
Your husband HAS to be part of this, work or no work. He has to find a way to change what he does in his job or find a different job because this situation is utterly untenable. You can't go on like this.

You got any parks with fences around and just one exit? I used to go to them and let the DC roam for hours and just sit chatting to other mums and bring a flask of coffee maybe.
Tires the kids out so they have less energy for mayhem at home and go to bed earlier so you get more relaxing time

Just sending support. It sounds like you’re very very alone with the stress and aggravation you’re experiencing. It will get easier as they get older, it really will, as you know of course but yeah, hang on in there.

Do everything to make it as easy as possible. Screen time is fine. Missing dinner now and then is fine. Banana and milk is fine.

☕️💐

Agree, sometimes it’s easier when you’re a single parent because you just get on with it and aren’t raging at the other parent not pulling their weight!

When is your husband home from work and why is he working on Sunday?

OP these ages are very testing and it's definitely made harder when you feel overwhelmed. What I've learnt the hard way is that children feed off your stress and emotions.

Sack off school work, house work ect, all this can be done a different day. If your worried about what school will say, tell them about some of the difficulties you're having at the moment. No school work is worth tears and shouting- trust me.

As for a testing two year old, be ferm but also full of praise. Praise for everything, a smile, playing nice, having a drink, using the toilet, having manors, just anything and ignore the negative. Give him choices, if you choice to do this then this will happen.

As for food, maybe he could get involved in his food, make a sandwich, cut some fruit, make breakfast muffins ect.

If all else fails I used to put mine in the bath and let them play. A wet bathroom will always dry.

Good luck

Kindly, plenty of parents have accidentally hurt their kids. It doesn't normally descend into a spiral where they feel unable to go out. Have you suffered with anxiety or similar? I've tripped over my then 5yo to catch the 3yo. It happens. Get somewhere away from roads, and let them run.

Have you thought about selling the two year old to the circus or similar?

More seriously, have you tried that sort of manic love bombing thing? It’s something I used to do when I could feel myself losing my mind. You just sort of lean into it. Find one tiny thing they did right (literally anything. Putting their fork back on the plate. Not standing on a toy. Anything) and say “wow did you just put your fork back on your plate?! Aren’t you clever!” etc. full on manic mum. They love it. Also it’s quite easy. But you can forget to be pleased about anything when they’re being awful. Whereas if you’re actively looking for goodness to praise… do you know what I mean?

Have you tried an anti-escape clip on the buggy and/ or car seat? https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pushchair-Houdini-escapees-Escape-me-not-Journeys-Less/dp/B072J5KPTY

It might help in terms of getting out the house.

This is hard OP. You are not crap you are human. Def speak to nursery and tell them what you are seeing at home and ask for help. It is OK to ask for help. Also make appointment to see GP. In the meantime, lower your standards and just get through this, it may be a phase, but it may be that your child has additional needs. Whatever it is, it will not be like this forever. We care and most of us have felt like this at some point. You are not alone

Your youngest is causing you stress, and it sounds like you resent him. I think you need to make an effort to have some one to one time with him eg send oldest to nursery/school and work on enjoying his company, and letting him see that he can have fun with you. The attention he's getting from you at the moment is all negative, you need to bring some positivity into it.

Otherwise you're going to create a golden child with your eldest, and your youngest will turn into a resentful, hurt child who will act out.

If your in laws, parents, husband etc think your not coping, use this and ask them for help, so you can have one to one time with both boys, or take them both out with another adult to help.

Mu mother had a wonderfully clean house, but hardly ever played with me, and I don't rate her parenting - your house isn't a greater representation of you than your children are.

Having fewer toys probably will help with play as too much stuff can be overwhelming for them. You don't have to get rid of things, just box them up and then rotate occasionally.

Quite frankly, fuck what your family and your husband think about what you're doing. They're not there taking the responsibility with you. A banana and a glass of milk after nursery is absolutely fine. If you want to make it more of a meal, add a small sandwich or similar and make it a picnic plate. Absolutely fine to do that rather than cook a hot meal.

Your anger at being abandoned and left to do it all, and then being criticised, is what is fuelling the lack of patience and stress with the children. If your husband genuinely doesn't care about how you're feeling, then there's a much bigger question for you about where to go with that in the longer term, unfortunately.

It sounds really stressful and you have my sympathy! As a mum of a ten and seven year old I can tell you it definitely does get easier! I found the only thing that helped at that stage was getting out of the house. I get what you're saying about safety, but it's worth asking about locally to find out about safe places to let them run off steam. We had membership at a farm park place which had a huge outdoor area with lots to do and good lines of sight so I could let the older one run off and explore a bit keeping an eye on him from a distance while I stayed closer to the little one. I had a likeminded friend with kids of a similar age and we used to go together sometimes and tag team the kids which gave us both a bit of a break and a bit of adult chat. I also used to go to the big soft plays. Harder to keep a very close eye on them, but by the time my two were 2.5 and 5 they'd run off and play while I could relax with a coffee and they'd totally tire themselves out. As long as there is a secure entry and exit system I am sure you can let them have a bit of freedom at 2.5 and 4. Going out was so much better for me than staying in the house because I felt like when I was at home I should be keeping the house tidy. Going out meant the house couldn't get any worse!

I also wonder if it would help to speak to your GP or health visitor? I was so stressed out when my kids were little I felt like I couldn't switch off my stress response and ended up getting beta blockers which really helped. They slow your heart beat down so that the physical symptoms of feeling really stressed out are reduced and that really helped me get my thoughts more under control and keep my cool.

Put food in front of him and take it away if he won’t eat it. Repeat. We went over 24 hours when my toddler did this (she was still breastfeeding s had milk and water) but she succumbed in the end.

I’d have to get out of the house in this situation for my benefit more than theirs, full waterproofs, reins for the pain in the arse. I probably wouldn’t bother with the park, used to walk in the woods but it depends how rural you are.

That's what kids do though, tip out the toy box and leave a trail of carnage.

Banana and milk is fine for a 2 year old. He won't starve.

We all care.

Being out helps with the mess, if you're not there, they can't make it. Or shove them in the garden and shut the door. Can. The 2yo unlock a door? If not, use locks.

OP your situation is absolutely shit. Your DH and wider family are a disgrace. They should ALL be around and helping you. Parenting a toddler is a 2 man job. You cannot keep giving and cooking and tidying and parenting without rest and breaks. Can you afford help? If so pay for it, get a nanny or even a young girl or boy to help with you there. We did this.

If you want another approach on the parenting thing I followed the Philippa Perry advice in the book you wish your parents had read. It worked and continues to work well for me.

I agree with PPs re food. I wouldn't give chocolate, but milk and a banana is fine.

With the house, if you have the option, make one room the "mess" room and accept the mess for the day. Tidy up just before bed. They're too young to tidy as they go.