Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

So you work and your DH works away?

You have 2 very young kids and so of course you’re going to be overwhelmed!

Could you hire a cleaner or babysitter just to give you a hand?

Your DH is either going to have to be home more or pay for help.

You are acting like a single parent when you shouldn’t be.

Is your DH home on weekends?

This will get easier, especially now the eldest is in school.

I was a single parent working FT and my DD has ADHD.
Its not a solution but what helped was having baby gates, locking doors and having rooms that were completely child friendly (I never had ornaments or anything).
The rooms just had toys, paper and colouring pencils and books etc.
It just allows you to not be so mentally on high alert if you know they can’t come to too much harm.

Try not to care what your parents, in-laws or DH thinks.
You do not owe them anything.
If they think you’re struggling then they can either mind their business or help you.

My DS was hard work at that age and I only had him to deal with as had a 3.5 Yr gap before I had another (partly because of how difficult I found parenting a 2 year year old!).
I found it easier to stay in and going out was NEVER easier - on my own or with other people - and if I did go out it would be to a confined environment like soft play or a playgroup! DS was a runner too and people don't get it if they don't have one!
Let him eat the banana and put the towel down for TV snacks.
And tell your DH to either be here more accept how you cope.
And tell family to either help more or keep opinions on how you cope to themselves!

But some will always have energy for tantrums. It’s not just the physical tire him
out that is important, it can just as well be letting the brain work, like doing jig saws or other challenges..

Sounds so very hard, OP. I'm sorry

It is relentless! You're right!

Expectations are part of the problem here, I don't know many 2 year olds who 'listen'.

The bigger problem is practical support. I'm sorry your husband and in-laws are quick with the judgement and slow with practical support.

Are you able to hire a 'mother's help'? That would be a dream come true for me! I never wanted a nanny but would love a 'mother's help'!

You should've explained it in the message OP quoted instead of asking if additional needs were mentioned by nursery and saying she better starts reading about them without giving any context.

It's just not okay to do this to someone who's clearly having hard time and doesn't need another worry.

lol just reading that back, think we've saved ourselves a fortune on therapy 🤣

Having less stuff defo helps with high energy kids. I just let my mine play softplay in the living room with all the sofa cushions. Much more fun for them than playing with toys. Just tire him out physically so he doesn't have the energy for tantrums

You are playing a role as a parent. Separate out some of the emotion. Keep to a schedule, behave appropriately and smile and nod. Early bed time if possible.

A teacher told me once that the children who were good at nursery or school could save up naughtiness for home because it was their safe space and indicated good not poor parenting.

I often say this to parents. It’s clear that they feel so safe with that parents that they feel they can let it all out. But, of course bounderies are important.

Lots of the strategies for parenting children with asd or adhd are also very useful for NT children. Some of the descriptions of behaviour from the OP could be due to asd or adhd, or they could be just a very high needs child. Whichever is true, the strategies will help.

Reducing the demand on a child, whilst being aware of potential triggers, alongside firm boundaries for safety, will help.

All sounds normal too me. I just have one really great friend who was off on maternity similar time to me and we both work part time to fit in with our children, we get each other through all these different/ difficult/ Wtf phases. Used to met with the kids once a week. Now the kids are off school age we try and still met up once a week to get out all our frustrations.
Sometime it's just good to have someone to listen to you and validate your feelings. Do you have someone like this?

Crikey @glassdo

Mine are grown up now but my DS was extremely headstrong and active and also an escapologist and worked out the childproof locks in minutes, probably lying at less than two. He was also the perfect child at nursery.

A teacher told me once that the children who were good at nursery or school could save up naughtiness for home because it was their safe space and indicated good not poor parenting.

Locks: I had to fit two to every door and cupboard - he wasn't dexteous enough to release both at the same time. He also once undid his car seat buckle on the M25 and clambered over the back of the car. I made a cover with buttons to wrap round it, ditto the pram.

Park: any misbehaviour and he was manhandled straight back into the buggy with a knee holding him in whilst I sorted the straps. He could tantrum as much as he liked.

Toys: I have been slated on here for this, but they were allowed two toys out at a time and if they wanted another one, something else had to be nicely put away first. I could not stand a chaotic house and also they didn't have tons of them.

Mealtimes: at the table and only at the table, no food anywhere else - ever. Also simple meals - cheese cube, bit of ham cherry Tom's, bread sticks. If not eaten after 10 minutes, clear it away. Mealtime is over.

Treats: again I've been slated for this but if they were good, after tea they were allowed to chose four sweets from the sweetie jar (little ones) and eat them watching TV. If they hadn't been good, there was something small to take away and I was ruthless with this. Then it was tidy up time and bathtime.

7pm to 9pm were quiet time (they didn't need much sleep and it was easier to put them to bed later to ensure an unbroken night). It also meant they were awake to see daddy who was rarely home before 9pm and often later. They never slept beyond 6.30, usually up earlier, otherwise this might have been a problem.

I also had a dh who was a workaholic, worked all hours and often away. I had a three year gap though so never did yards as hard as yours.

DS in particular was very full on and needed exercising rather like a young labrador.

Don't sweat the small stuff: the pencil sharpening doesn't matter and there's no point reasoning.

Try and make sure you get some me time - I'd also say my life was it's very hardest when I worked part-time trying to be all things to all people at all times and do work and home to perfection.

This too shall pass. They will grow up. My DH was never going to be hands on and I accepted that. I also accepted the privileges that came later: the beautiful house, the private schools, etc.

If it's any consolation, two energetic, strong-willed children who could be stubborn and brattish and non stop to such an extent that some nights my mouth was tired from talking to them, answering questions and telling them off and directing would be tired, each brought me home a first: one from Oxford and the other from Cambridge.

I’m sorry but bollocks to your husband and your mum!! They’re not dealing with it alone. 24/7. If he wants a banana, give him a banana, it’s no biggie that he’s not eating a proper meal from time to time.
My youngest was an absolute twat when he was younger, I won’t lie, he had far more screen time than he should have done but it was the only way to get some peace!! He’s 17 now and is an absolute diamond. He’s kind, thoughtful and very loving. If he has a £1 left he buys me maltesers (my favourites) he randomly messaged me to tell me how great I am and how much he loves me. ❤️
Also lower your standards on the housework, I was always OTT on wanting a tidy house, it took me way too long to realise that it can always be done another day and my time was better spent having fun with the kids

I’m way out of this now and in hindsight the housework doesn’t matter one bit. Do a small routine daily and that’s all.

It sounds like you have a lot of judgement from people around you so you’re feeling like you have to prove yourself. Fuck ‘em I say.

I’m a nursery teacher (for 25 years). I do not agree that his behaviour are extreme in any way. It’s normal toddler behaviour, some are like this, for a period of time. Others are not. For me it’s my job, for parents it is utterly exhausting!! Some can be good as gold, but as soon as the parents arrive they turn in to mini monsters. It’s triggering.

OP hang in there. You ARE doing great. Your husband does need to step up though, so you get some alone or family time. Increase their nursery hours. Give him a banana and milk. More snacks, like cereal in a little cup with a lid. And try agaiin to go to the park.

He had me tripping over him, running everywhere on a recent holiday. He thinks it's funny. It's so terrible

I'm not a parent, but I think this could be a big part of the problem. It's a fun game for him. He doesn't associate it with unwanted consequences.
Also, out of interest, how much attention do they receive from you when they're just quiet or good. I'm wondering if they're acting up because being like this guarantees your attention, even if it means you're angry.

It literally doesn't matter what this poster thinks. She doesn't know your child and hasn't been around him. Also, people on MN love jumping to the worst conclusions.

You don't need to stress yourself further so please don't let this get into your head.

I hear you, OP. Both my kids, but especially the youngest, were “runners”. I had to use reins and went through a long period of having to physically tie one of them into the stroller to keep them safe.

You sound at the end of your tether. The rest of them, including your husband, can bugger off with their opinions. Drop your standards way down and focus on what you and the kids need: bananas and milk is a great tea, sit in the garden (and a garden is lovely, why go to the park?) with a podcast or your favourite music and a cuppa while they cause havoc, leave the toys out tonight and have a bath instead. You need to be well to keep the show on the road.

Everyone close to you who’s not helping is failing you - they’re doing their support job badly, so why feel shame if they’re judging what you do each day?

They stop them running off. That's the point. If they have a tantrum then they have a tantrum.. still can't run off. There are also extra straps that keep them in a buggy. It's a case of looking for them.

If all else fails then sticking them in the bath was another option.

Not being obvious but why are you tidying all day? Surely you can get it all done in an hour when they are in bed? Tidying up after dc is like clearing snow when it's still snowing...
Futile...
I had 3 under 3...enjoy them. Years ahead for a show home.
Snacks at table only. Make a cuppa and sit down with them. Relax. Tension at meal times switches them off from listening and eating... When ds was a pita his lunches were in a lunch box at the table. Even hot food went in there.... Worked a charm.
Even better if dh is away.. You get post tidy time to yourself....

On the food a banana and milk after nursery (which he will have) is fine imo.

I offer toast, cereal or cheese sandwich as a last resort. Bottle before bed if nothing is eaten.

i try not to fight on food (save my limited energy for other stuff)

you have my full sympathy and your feelings are totally valid/reasonable
I agree with @SilenceInside post

id also persist with reins

I haven’t RTFT but your 2 year old sounds like mine was and it is HARD. I recognise all the stuff about running off, escaping from car seats, screaming blue murder all the time, not being able to go out anywhere without at least one other adult for crisis management. (Mine also ended up diagnosed with ADHD / ASD)

if I had persisted with the tough love tactics some are suggesting (and which work OK for most children, to be fair) - making him sit still at the table, making him eat all his food or go hungry - I would have had a nervous breakdown trying to enforce this while he screamed and raged forever, and he still wouldn’t have been able to stay in one place quietly eating his veggies.

My DS eats pizza and oven chips standing up in front of the TV and is growing as he should and doing really well in school, and has friends. Our house is a tip, but when I stopped trying to do everything the way parents of easier kids told me should be possible, our own lives felt more manageable.

You’re not a mess, you’re not a shit parent. Some kids are easier than others. 2 and 4 is HARD. Even without your DH working away a lot. Hang in there. ❤️

Get yourself onto one of the car seat groups on fb, there’s a rear facing car seat community group that’s pretty good- they’ll sort out your car seat so he can’t get out. It’s usually a fit issue, but if it isn’t then he’ll be down to the actual seat itself or they can suggest a crash tested clip to secure him properly.

Loads of people work weekends!