Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

Does your husband ever spend the whole day alone with both kids?

Have you heard of the window of tolerance before? It's our optimum state to be in where we are able to handle stress and come back to a comfortable place. It can shrink during periods of chronic stress. It sounds like you're spending a lot of time in hyperarousal and that's why it feels like you're at breaking point. As someone with a very dysregulated nervous system due to challenges at home, it helped me to understand what was happening to me.

I hope things ease off for you.

Sounds like time of the month is coinciding with a tough week and miserable rainy day. This is life😁.

It'll soon be over, we've all been there and done that. Don't give in, keep going. One minute at a time!

Mine are 3 & 5. My husband has been away since Wednesday for work and isn't back on Tuesday. It's been hard keeping on top of the basics and the constant "mummy" "mummy" "mummmmmmy" is giving me sensory overload. I think I feel worse today as they usually sleep through but were tag teaming last night on middle of the night wake ups (DD was pain and DS night terrors). I sympathise as the weekends are just the worst. We live rurally so even a trip on a bus somewhere isn't especially simple. Alongside my husband both my divorced parents are also away on separate holidays so I haven't been able to descend on a parent to pass some hours away. Thankfully my grandparents were able to meet me half way at a National Trust this afternoon. It killed three hours with travel there and back. My nan bless her had a clear out and gave us a ton of craft stuff so the kids have been doing this since we've got back. I honestly find getting out the best with kids this age but the anxiety of taking them somewhere is very real. Sending hugs.

Sort one thing out at a time - either sort his behaviour or sort the meal times - don't try to both at once - probably tackle the behaviour first and keep feeding him anything he will eat - then tackle the food items at a later date

We can all hear how you are absolutely at breaking point. It's really hard when you're stuck in this situation to see any way to make things better but there might be little things that would help.

Can you get your 2 yr old into nursery (or a child minder) for even half a day more so you could have a few hours to yourself? You might decide to do cleaning or go to the gym or lie in the bath with a book but make it different to the normal grind.

For mealtimes, work out what's really important. Sitting at the table would be great but why not put a blanket (or even towels) on a sofa or the floor? Banana and milk is fine for an evening meal if your DS has had a variety of foods throughout the day. If you offer all healthy food it doesn't really matter what order they eat things.

Rather than get rid of all their toys pack lots away. Just bring out a few boxes at a time and swop them around. Even if they're all tipped out it won't be as much.

I hear you OP - the eating, the toys, the mess. I was constantly tidying things that were spread across the whole of the downstairs. Spent my day on edge trying to keep tidy. Not because I’m anal but because I didn’t want to spend 2hrs at 8pm putting everything away. I broke one day and took everything up to their rooms. Best thing I ever did!! We now have a set downstairs ie Sylvanians for a week or so and I rotate.
It’s given me so much more headspace and the ‘mess’ at the end of each day is one set of toys quickly put into the same box. I’m no longer weeding Lego from play doh and jigsaw pieces.

I think this is right OP.

You're focusing on the kids but you're doing great. They're fed and safe.

It sounds like the weight of other people's expectations that are the issue.

Why is your husband getting all the lie ins and not doing any parenting? Who cares what he thinks of your parenting standards, his are rock bottom.! He's not caring for his family's welfare.

What are your plans, are you happy to stay long term with him? Would you be happier working part time or full time and having the kids in nursery.

This current set up is making you miserable so what do you want to change ideally?

It’s really shitty of your husband to not let you have a sleep in. It’s cruel actually.

Why does he care so little about you that he thinks he is more important? I’d definitely let this be a hill to die on OP. It’s really unfair. Especially since you haven’t been feeling well. You need to tell him to step up, and now.

You sound like you need a hug OP! I promise you it will get better. You have been sick and run down which always makes everything worse. Try to get to bed as early as possible tonight.

You aren’t doing a bad job, you are doing an amazing job and some crazy people even say you will miss these days in 20 years!

For now just try to survive today the best and easiest way possible. Takeaway? Film afternoon?

Tackle the behaviour another day and maybe make another post to ask for tips when you have the mental capacity. Easy one for today is all food stays in the dining room, to avoid extra mess in the house.

I tried to explain it doesn't need to be sharpened. She proceeded to have a tantrum about it so fine, we can sharpen an already sharp fucking pencil.

So she learnt that by having a tantrum she gets what she wants

It is ok to say no

it is ok to let her tantrum and realise that by behaving like that. - she doesn't get what she wants

there are 5 stages of a tantrum and usually a parent will give in at stage 3 - its only another 2 stages and its all back to normal

dc are broken records and wear you down, but the quicker they realise no actually means no - then the less energy you need

its not easy at first but persevere and in the long run it will be much easier

OP the fact that you’re even posting this thread tells us you are a good mum!

If you are unwell then everything is going to be heightened.

Your kids are both at extremely difficult ages and there is only one of you, you cannot physically do everything.

Try and have some time off work if possible.
Perhaps your DH could also have time off and you can sort the house out together and keep it minimalistic.

If you’re worried about in laws judging you, then perhaps keep all of the toys in their bedrooms and let them just play upstairs.
Then just bring 1 toy down at a time to play with.

It is so incredibly difficult and I wish we could give you a magic answer that would make it easier.

What is very obvious though, is that you have a DH problem.

Also, I meant to say - your son isn't behaving like this because he's a psychopath who's dreaming up evil plots to give you a nervous breakdown, or because you're a useless parent. Two year olds can just be dickheads 🤷‍♀️

(I had one 2yo who drove me to the absolute brink on the regular. I had exactly 3 places I felt comfortable taking him on my own, one of which was Tesco 🤦‍♀️. But he's now a delightful 13yo, who eats a fairly balanced diet, and who can be trusted to go to Tesco by himself!!)

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances.

Dd was very similar to your Ds and even as an only child she almost broke me as a toddler.

She's likely ADHD she now thinks.

If it's encouraging she was a dream teen and now a brilliant young adult, many friends with similar 'high needs' toddlers saw a similar pattern.

Yeah, he sounds "hangry." I'd be giving him whatever it takes to calm him down and make life bearable.

I had one of those backpacks, the eldest was fine with it. The youngest would tantrum unless he was allowed to hold the handle which defeated the purpose somewhat 😫

Just give him what he wants and tell your husband, parents, ILs etc they can fuck off or take over mealtime themselves.

Where is your husband on a Sunday?

Pour the cocopops in to a weetabix box and say they are finished. 😅

Can you put hooks high up on the doors out of reach?

Also, your husband can fuck off with his judgement. You sound like you’re doing your best, he doesn’t sound much help. At this point I would say use screens, snacks, no homework needed on reception and do whatever works to keep yourself sane.

Oh OP you are absolutely in the trenches. There's nothing worse than going from a competent, confident adult, to feeling scared and out of control every time you leave the house.

Practically: I used to always have biscuits/smarties in my pockets to aid with recall (yes, this is a dog training method, no I'm not sorry). We played a lot of the stop-go game. We left a lot of places after 3 minutes. I would often be down the park at 7am when it was quieter (FYI there's nearly always another frazzled mum in the park at 7am!)

Emotionally: pick your battles. You seem very caught up in what you're "supposed" to be doing. What's actually important to you? I try to focus on the sort of people I want my kids to be, rather than specific behaviours (but hitting/nastiness towards siblings is zero tolerance).

Food: I grew up in a household where food was control/power. I'm totally soft on food, I just don't buy anything that I'm not happy for the kids to eat. So some days one kid will literally just eat five roast potatoes- the sky doesn't fall down. I'll try and make sure they have an apple/satsuma at some point. We don't do puddings full stop (because I can't be arsed).

Your posts really do take me back, but gave similar age gap by the sounds of it. Mine are 18 and nearly 16 now. They are absolute pains in the arse at 2 and 4. I don’t know how I did it but I did and we are all alive and thriving! So will you x

Remove the coco pops from the house , it's that simple. If he doesn't see them, he cant get to them.

Someone can buy them but you dont have to keep them. "Oh no, they had gone bad,had to throw them".

Bowl of cherry tomatoes for dinner, no problem. He's fed, has fruit, milk, water etc.

Something has to give somewhere.

You want results to change but want to keep everything the same... you're frustrating yourself here..

You need to ease up on something.

Your husband can moan all he wants about food and is free to try things when he is at home but if you try to please everybody, you'll please nobody, as we see here.

I can hear how stressed you are and I feel awful for you.

Staying home and stressing about food and what others will say about the food isn't working for you. Let go somewhere.

Speak to your husband and let him know the changes you are making. If he doesn't like them, he can pick up those duties.

Gosh, I think this could be spot on - the little one is hangry. He needs regular fuel.
Also, get a little life rucksack, mine found it more acceptable than reins, but it did the same thing.