Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

You ARE doing a good job, OP. Ignore your DH and inlaws, who seem to live in blissful ignorance of what real life with 2 children (particularly one who is very intense) is like. As for your mum saying she managed etc., all I can say is that we're all guilty of viewing the past through rose tinted glasses. My mother boasted for years about how she instantly lost the baby weight and was as flat as a board within a week...not only was she 10 years younger than I when she had her first, but she neglected to mention she was deathly ill for months afterwards (hence the weight loss).

I know it's hard not to worry, but some kids go through food phases. I went through them as a kid, and it didn't do me any harm...it did mean my poor grandmother went to the fruit shop a lot more often than she planned though! There are some things, as frustrating as they are, that we just need to accept. Your toddler loves you and feels safe with you (I agree with those saying that they act out the most with the people they feel safest with, as they know you'll love them no matter what). If he wants bananas for dinner, just let him eat the bananas.

DD was the same at this age
I looked like this permanently

@glassdo " my husband is on at me about it a lot too" - tell your husband to go fuck himself!! What is he doing about it? It's not just your responsibility!!!

He needs to step up massively! What about your mother and MIL? Can they not step in sometimes and help?

There's worse things he could be eating than bananas. Stick him on a multivitamin and don't have fights over food. If your husband doesn't like it, he can deal with it!

Your husband is your problem, not the children.

I didnt want to read and run, i totally sympathise op! Ive got a 2 &3 year old and it’s chaotic! Some days are truly awful, others are amazing. My partner does 12 hour shifts and his days off are always on days the kids are at nursery. So i do 90% or the parenting alone.

can anyone help out at all? I joined the gym nearby and when they are 3 they get to go to classes for free.

ive got dogs and horses too alongside working mon- thurs, you end up running around after everyone else and getting no time to do anything that makes you happy!

for me right now im just surviving day to day- try and see if you can find any nearby clubs or things you can go to to break your days up?

my 2 love a packed lunch so i tend to make one and take it places to save money/time too!

You need to stop caring what they think.

Don't expect praise as an adult, no one is clapping because you managed to spell the word "apple" or feed yourself any more.

I feel your pain. I had a breakdown at my husband, he always got the lie in too and when I basically said I'd have it easier if we split up it suddenly hit home and now he does more than half the mornings! Having sleep makes a world of difference. Secondly look for free local toddler groups. These should be relatively safe spaces to take both your kids and there's always someone around to keep an eye on your older one if the younger is playing up. Are you able to make a game of chasing the younger one with the older one while out? This means the older one gets to be included even when the younger is being a PITA.
With food it doesn't matter. Honestly I've been through all phases with my.toddler. the health visitor basically said as long as they get their multivitamin try not to worry too much about what they will and won't eat at this stage. My friend recalls crying in relief when he son ate a KitKat because he was so picky at one point she thought he would starve. Honestly pick your battles and right now, food really doesn't need to be.
And leave your kids with your husband more. They are old enough to be left with their own father. How dare ANYONE just if they haven't spent time in your position. Honestly fuck all of them. Especially your husband and your mum who should both be supporting you however they can

First off, you're doing great, 2 year old are the worst and it's such a difficult age. You're doing that with a 4 year old too, and mostly on your own.
It won't be this way forever, but right now you need to have a proper serious chat with your husband, your exhausted and this isn't fair. You need a day and a night off to rest, not just now but at least every couple of months to recharge. You also need one on one time with your kids, this will help all of you.
Can your mum help if he won't?
Try and not stress too much about the house, get some early nights and good nutrition for yourself. Sending luck and a big hug.

As other people have already said, milk and a banana are perfectly nutritious.

It's not like he's asking for Haribo or crack.

Some people work on Sundays. Mindblown?

To be totally honest, I have massive anger management issues, so you may have a point. Is it though directly attributable?

You have my sympathies. My daughters were like this - theres 20 months between them. They're 14 and 16 now. I absolutely hated the constant screaming which just felt overwhelming and I absolutely understand how it can tip people over the edge...it almost felt (to me) like the noise torture you see on tv when they're interrogating people! I think I would have coped better if I'd had a set of ear defenders. Also, when you're saying "no" you have to follow it through. Every single time. If not then they no the next "no" can be ignored too. The play pen or door catches to keep them contained will help.

Sorry...have just seen this.

I have children a similar age to yours and I'm furious with your husband on your behalf. How dare he leave the majority of parenting and housework to you when he's not at work!

I honestly think you need to have it out with him. Tell him that from now on he's having the children alone for a couple of hours at least once a week. That's the very bare minimum.

In terms of practical advice, I've recently put most of my DC toys in baskets on high shelves. Every evening I put a couple on a shelf they can reach, and let them empty them out as much as they want. I don't care because tidying up is so much quicker, and they seem to play better with less options anyway.

I know getting out can be daunting, but I try to do the park first thing. Mine are more likely to listen when they aren't tired, it's quieter, and they have less energy for the rest of the day.

It's honestly normal for 2 year olds to refuse to eat much at tea time. The health visitor at my eldests 2.5 check said children that age often eat everything they need throughout the day and genuinely aren't hungry for much at teatime. For your own sanity, just give him a banana.

And a stair gate between the kitchen and living room will make it so he can't mush food into the carpet (god, they can be right little sods at this age!). I got extra tall ones for my youngest because he's a climber.

Maybe I should relax about it but my husband gives me a hard time and so does my mum / anyone who's seen this happen

Sod your husband and mum! Maybe they should take a turn and help you out rather than being judgy!
Give him a banana and try and give yourself a break, your doing amazing ⭐️

Do you have a set of safety reins/harness for him? If not, they'd be a good investment.

My ex was slapped by his Asian parents and ended up with massive anger management issues as an adult. Hence he is now an ex.

I get it. For about a year I was locked in with mine. They are 2 and 4 now and more chill (the 4yo is my more feral one). Still more of a handful than most. During that year I basically didn’t cook. Either oven meals or oven thing and rice or cheese and fruit or uber eats. I couldn’t chop an onion.

I struggled with toy rotation so much because if the kids weren’t around I was showering or sleeping. And then they’d wake the second my foot got in the bath.

I’d prioritize getting the garden safe. If husband is too busy, act like a sweet housewife in the 50s and ask FIL to do it. That should shame your DH and get a result. If your mum or MIL are over ask them to watch the kids for a bit while you run a load of laundry or clean the bathroom. Take extra time and watch some reels. None of these judgy people are worth trying to please. Plus when they watch the kids for a bit they might remember how feral kids are.

we did a lot on the floor - table cloth and playdough or paint or picnic. I’d also leave out a healthy food for a bit. My now 2yo went 6 months on 5 bananas a day. I let him. I put out other stuff too.

it was awful and I had more support than you. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Just adding- sorry for mentioning the harnesses as you'd already addressed that.

Our little one is an escape artist but some cat seats work better than others.

Re your MIL saying you don’t allow the children to wear the clothes she’s bought, put the clothes on them and take a photo. Send the photo to your husband. Then direct her to DH when she says you don’t use the clothes.

The problem here isn't you or your children. Your children sound like fairly normal energetic kids.

The problem is you are surrounded by judgmental idiots who prefer to stand on the sidelines criticising rather than being involved in anyway.

Do you work FT?,if not can you put him in nurse for an extra couple of days?
it sounds as though your partner is avoiding family life too, this sent fair on you.

I have an autistic kid with pathological demand avoidance, is the next Usain bolt, has the skills of houdini when it comes to getting out of things and has absolutely no perception of danger or ability to risk assess and ARFID.

I completely empathise. My kid can be feral.

I think you need to lower your expectations though.

And if your husband won't help you while you're with him you aren't a partnership and I would consider leaving. I have left. I do it all alone and not having to live up to someone else's standards is so much better.

You can get safety tools for seat belts, they're designed for disabled kids or kids that can get out of a straight jacket.

Your kid doesn't need a cooked meal all the time.

Stop having visitors round, don't let your parents or in laws have the satisfaction of making you feel miserable in your own home.

OP I'm sorry.
With 2 year old, harnesses are amazing. They really are great with toddlers who run all over the place.

Secondly, you might need to let go of the expectation the house will be tidy for a few years. It just needs to come second as a goal, after spending quality time with your kids. Have a tidy up time at the end of the day rather than trying to keep up with them all day long.

2 is a really difficult age and it won't be forever but getting out of the house has to be a priority I think - it really does sap some of their energy.

Even if he were to have a bowl of cocopops every day or even two bowls a day, he's not going to starve and he's also more likely to grow out of the phase of wanting them every single day as he'll get bored of them quickly if they are readily available to him.
Also goes for having a banana - though you could try to get him onto smoothies if he likes milk and bananas - use natural yogurt and milk instead of icecream in the smoothie and throw in some strawberries or apples into the blender. He'll get a nutritious filler there and plenty of vitamins etc.

As for the relatives that seem to know better, well they don't. They are not even trying to walk a mile in your shoes. You must just look after yourself first (because if you don't, then there won't be anyone to really look after the kids). When your DH comes home from his countless trips away, you say that these are the rules in the house as you need to be consistent in how things are done for the benefit of the kids and as he isn't there as frequently as you are, it makes it easier when he goes off if the kids understand the consistence of the rules and how things are done. He should fall in line and as the kids get older, things will be a little more flexible but as they are so young it's the boundaries and consistency of approach that they will thrive under.

I'm sending you lots of strength to get through the weekend and the coming week and you will.

Try to pick your battles. I'd tidy away only the most played with toys/books and you can rotate the stock of toys so that they don't get bored or overstimulated by having all of their toys available all of the time.

As for wiggling out of car seats/buggies, have you tried putting the child into the car seat with an open coat and fastening the straps then closing the coat? Adding an extra layer of difficulty to the mix?

I'm sure that even if you're on top form yourself, even the most energetic two year old would tire that person out.

Fingers crossed that things start improving for you.

You are doing a good job. It’s hard. Just a tip with the buggy from someone whose child used to like to escape use reigns clipped over the straps. Take off the bit you hold when walking but as it clips at back they can’t unclip. For car seat you can get anti escape things to go on seat in Halfords. When mine were little I cycled toys so had fewer out.

Being a mum can be so hard. I have one child who is autistic and had family members believing they could do it better. It’s heart breaking when people belittle how hard you work and it can be relentless. Your partner needs to be giving you breaks so you have time to relax. Being a mum is exhausting and especially if you become the default parent who deals with the majority