Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

Banana and chocolate are a relatively balanced diet!! But not ideal obviously. Don't get into a battle with him.
Sitting at table etc is something they need to learn to do eventually, but he s 2 and may struggle with this.

Firstly bin the cocopops. They will not be helping the situation.
If your husband barely spends time with the kids it's f'ing rich for him to complain about bananas.
Bananas aren't a complete diet, but it's not a hill to die on - let him have bananas and make other options available without pressure (I wouldn't say that about cocopops, but bananas aren't a disaster).
My youngest was a lot like this. People would be like "just strap him in the stroller" and I'd be like "Houdini in toddler form? I will need a straightjacket not a stroller". He has grown up a ton, and I was just thinking how it has made my whole life so much nicer. This phase will pass.

I just want to give you a hug OP.
When I say this post could have been written by me 17 yrs ago, I'm not exaggerating, I had a 5yr old (who behaved exactly like your 2 yr old, I refused to take him out with his siblings because he required an adult all to himself, sometimes I had no choice ) and a 2 yr old and a 1yr old. It was tough going and I struggled for years, my husband would swear blind that the eldest wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be and then that feeds into those feelings that you're a bad parent. (You're doing an amazing job OP)
My eldest is now 21and succeeding at life, I couldn't be prouder of him however there were times as he was growing up that I'm amazed he made it to adulthood.

The best advice I can give is be kind to yourself, take each day at a time and if you can rope in a friend or family member to accompany you on outings do it, or take the kids out individually so all kids get one on one time and alternate which parent has which kid.

If you can't face the supermarket, online shopping is your friend.

I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I have 6yr old and 3yr old boys. My 3yr old is feral. He's slowly getting better as he has got older. What helps me is prioritising some time to myself daily. Even if it is first thing in the morning or last thing. I go for a walk, alone. It is bliss. I too have screamed into a pillow more often than I care to admit. And I have screamed at the kids too. Which I hate myself for. Diaphragmatic breathing when I am over stimulated really helps calm my nervous system when I feel like I am about to explode. Its so so hard. You're in the trenches and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I LOVE this level of honesty

You are only human and badly need some help and consideration from family. Tell your mother you have been unwell for a week and are at exhaustion and breaking point and you need some help. The husband the same. He's a big part of the problem here that he seems not to care or seems to be too lazy and useless to take his share of responsibility when he is there. Why not start standing up to him and make a practice at the weekend of saying you need him to step in and take care of the children while you go out for a walk, an errand, to see a friend, get your hair or nails done or whatever? If he doesn't want to and make excuses why he can't, don't take this for an answer and back down; tell him to get a nanny or baby sitter. You have to be as firm with him as with the toddler. Two babies to manage.

The child wanting bananas - five! - and chocolate might indicate that he's craving sugar. Bananas are full of it, as well as some trace nutrients. No wonder you are concerned about getting him to eat non-sweet meals. I would suggest instead of the average run of chocolate bars which are heavy on sugar, that you give him high cocoa content dark chocolate, which has much less sugar, and is filling. He won't be able to eat much of it at a time, probably no more than a square. This might help turn things around in a more helpful direction of good eating because you are giving him what he wants - chocolate - but he is learning to eat a less sugary more nutritious chocolate. Lidl is good for quality chocolate, 70% or more cocoa in a large bar. It seems expensive and cocoa has leapt up in price recently but it lasts longer so overall it works out not so bad. I would also try to get him eating slices of apple - some are very sweet but if you can manage it, Granny Smiths are slightly sharp and nutritious.

I promise I am not undermining what you say but alot of 2 year olds can behave like this. It is incredibly stressful and overwhelming at times when u r caring for young children, lots of us can identify with this. Plus your husband works away alot and your family aren't supportive. It is very important that u take care of yourself. I hope u r eating and drinking properly; otherwise u will feel worse.
Sending u strength and virtual hugs.
Also, please talk to your husband about how u r feeling

Well that’s fucking shit and needs to change. He is a prized prick if he’s hasn’t concurrently done more than 4 hours parenting in FOUR YEARS. Does that mean you haven’t had any type of break?! Jesus wept I would be climbing the walls.

I hear everything you are saying - I have a 3 year old and 7 year old and DH works every weekend and 5 days a week I do solo bedtime as he works until 8pm. So I’m on the edge a lot of the time too. And also get the feeling my DH and ILs think I’m a little bit shit. The difference is that when my DH is here, he is very present and involved. He has the kids by himself a couple of days a week while I work so he does ‘get it’ for the most part. Also, for my sanity I do make sure I get a few evenings out/ days away here and there. You so need a break OP, I hope you can advocate for yourself to make this happen.

Just wanted to send you a hug @glassdo

Both my boys are adults now, but DS2 was like your boy. He had so much bloody energy, was always on the go and like Houdini 😫. Am not going to lie it seemed to go on forever.

BUT he has turned into the most amazing man (teenage years weren’t so good - which he is very sorry about now looking back), works hard, training to become an oncall firefighter alongside his full time job and he is the most wonderful patient dad to his daughter who is coming up to her 2nd birthday - I can see so much of him in her in terms of wanting to be off and doing things her way.

Having been through what you are going through, I would say don’t sweat the small stuff and pick your battles. I wish I’d had more patience and didn’t worry about the mess - you live and learn.

Let him have the banana and milk.
Rotate toys/streamline
He either sits at the table with the muffin or put a huge towel down in the living room to sit on to catch the mess and give him the option to choose where he wants to sit.

I don't know if this applies to you but I started to care a little less, and by that I mean let go of some of the high standards I had for myself (home cooked meals for the child, children kept pristine, home kept neat and tidy, limits on screens). It's just not possible and won't be for a while. I now try to accept things can't be as I want them to right now. My ds in almost 6 and I am getting a bit more time to myself. I have also told him that he'll just have to amuse himself while I hoover/mop/wash up. The playroom will just have to be a mess.

Also, my ds has been a handful since day one but it is getting easier I promise. And I know that you must be finding it very hard with two - not enough arms!

I read something once that tidying the house with children is like raking leaves in a storm...

What you're feeling is completely understandable op. I hope that it gets a little easier for you soon 🫂

Its a fucking divorce you need… what a joke of a husband!

@glassdo oh I am with you on this, it's exhausting having little kids, especially strong willed ones. I've not read the thread but do you have anyone you can ask to help? You need a break or you'll burn out. Or pay a babysitter to entertain them for a few hours and take yourself out the house.

It's hard, hang on in there

"He never has. He's maybe done 4 hours once."

Wtf. And he's having a go at you about the kid eating too many bananas. Cheeky fucking bastard

It sounds like hell OP, and you have my sympathy and my respect. The adults around you are a disgrace - why aren't they helping, taking some pressure off you? My daughter has two preschoolers and they recently moved much closer to us so that we (mainly me) can help out as my daughter was struggling and son in law works long hours.

What's the point of your husband? What would you lose by divorcing? He doesn't help, and he criticises you. Sounds to me you'd be better off as a single parent.

As your mother and his parents are useless, do you have Homestart near you? It's a charity that provides support for families with pre school-age kids. They have trained volunteers (usually older women with older DC) who come to your house and give you whatever support you need once or twice a week. I was a Homestart volunteer for 6 years. Some mums wanted company, some wanted me to occupy the child/children while they got on with chores, one liked me to occupy her 3 year old DC while she went to the gym (it did wonders for her mental health), one liked us to go out in my car to a park as she had no transport. The families were from all backgrounds, from professionals to the socially disadvantaged. I'm still in touch with a couple of mums 15 years later.

If you split from your husband he won't be able to do his job will he? Can you call his bluff and say unless you get more support you're off?

I will give you credit - you are doing a fabulous job as a practically single parent.
_

Get a cleaner, tomorrow.

Homework? pathetic. No.

I had 2 with a similar age gap.
Here are some thoughts ....

1. Bugger the homework. Your child is 4 ... it is a complete nonsense. There simply should be no homework at this age. Ignore it. Read a bedtime story ... that is enough.
2. Forget tidy ... homes with children this age are not and cannot be and should not be tidy.
3. If anyone criticises the mess, then tell them to sling their hook.
4. Forget in-laws etc. ... this is your home and your family and no-one else's business.
5. Put a bomb under your OH. Work out a fair division of labour, write it down, hand it to him and just tell him that this is how things are going to be from now on ... no arguments. End of.
6. Make sure that the timetable includes one evening/ afternoon when you have no responsibility for the children and he has to step up.

You need to take back some control. Being out of control is very bad for anyone.

Your children are important ... but so are you.

Dear OP, I was you many years ago. I was laughing about it the other day how I smashed up a ceramic clock that belonged to one of mine. I also had one of them pinned to the bed and was screaming at him ( windows open....nice!)

It's the MOST DIFFICULT JOB IN THE WORLD.

Can you get them in some sort of day care or club type of thing?

*Anyway yeah so he'll start with that. And he'll keep asking for more, maybe 5 times and if I don't give it- he'll just keep screaming until I do..

Then he'll eat bananas- maybe 5 - I'm not kidding.. he'll just keep going. Today I was trying to give him a veggie soup with pasta which he used to love. But he was fixated on the bananas and screamed at me until I gave him 5 or so. This is not unusual for him*

This is my 2 year old but with fucking yoghurts. My older 2 were never even allowed Petit Filous (the sugar, the horror!) but DD will easily eat 4 big ones if we let her. It’s constant. But that’s 2 year olds.

Pretty amazing that your 4 year still naps! Enjoy that early reception exhaustion and try and chill. I genuinely understand the screaming into a pillow thing. For me it’s 100% definitely worse when I’m pre-menstrual, and I think your DH sounds like a bit of a slacker tbh. Doesn’t sound like an ideal partner, he could improve I think.

Also your mum saying she had less support than you makes me mad. She’s not exactly supportive is she, saying that. MIL neither! Deluded.

Well it's about time he did. Put your foot down. He's ridiculous. My heart goes out to you.

Maybe not for everyone, but I think there is a correlation between stress accumulated as a kid and learning certain behaviour patterns by observing them every day and then showing them yourself as an adult.
Ex'es parents were a lot gentler with his younger brother and he is a much nicer person. Exes father once admited he was often slapped and treated really badly by his parents (as was his mother whose parents treated her like a slave) but 'he turned out alright'. Except he didnt and he thought his behaviour methods and my exes angry outbursts were normal.

The level of anger you have is maybe worthy of speaking to a doctor about. It can be a sign of depression.

I don't need to tell you that you need more support, you know that. The toddler years are hell. I had 4 children under 5 (I'm not trying to elevenerife you btw) and can still remember trying desperately to be a perfect mother, have a tidy house, get the children to eat healthy home cooked meals - and failing miserably. I gave up in the end, I allocated one room downstairs for the playroom, and just shut the door on the mess at night time. Meal times were carpet picnics. If it's any consolation, all my kids are adults, and they are all decent human beings.

AND you take it in turns to have a lie-in. Selfish fucker.