Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

Just reminded by a PP, my top tip for getting kids to clean up is - everything left on floor at the end of the day goes to charity shop. Because it means they don’t care about it. Have a big cardboard box by the door. My DS was so shocked to see all his stuff in there ready to be taken to the charity shop (I wouldn’t have done it but he didn’t need to know, haha) I gave him a day to get them back by being tidy and it worked. Appreciate it would only work for the 4 year old right now, but useful to keep in mind.

Also I notice you’re really avoiding all the comments about your DH being rubbish. Are you not ready to talk about that yet? Are you ever tempted to leave him?? Or at least take yourself off for a few days. His behaviour is really not on.

www.home-start.org.uk/

Another poster mentioned this organisation but here's a link. They have a good reputation.

My DD wasn't a bolter but she escaped her car seat a lot (I had a bit of success with Houdini Stop) and I well remember a trip to a castle where she tried to swim the moat and repeatedly tried to post herself out of the slit windows, hanging off her reins.

I'm laughing now but I wasn't then...

A book with good strategies is 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. I found it really helpful.

You are doing a good job.

Given the level of support you don't have, you are doing a fucking amazing job.

Two that close in age must be a nightmare. We have a 4 year gap because I couldn't begin to imagine coping with another one till DS was nearly 3.

Can you afford a babysitter for part of the weekend sometimes? I had to take mine (8 and 4) to a fun fair recently when DH was traveling and I knew I couldn't do it alone so I got a babysitter to come with us. (I also put AirTags on the kids but DS managed to get his off within the first hour despite the magnetic lock and leave it on a ride)

I am with the posters who say that fruit and milk is a perfectly ok diet and you should pick your battles.

Two is a bit young for most of my (at best partially successful) strategies for getting the kids to clean up. Telling them you will put everything from the floor in a box at the end of the evening and they will get it back on Friday might be worth a try. The box is a fast cleanup at any rate!

I've got a 2 year old, god it's relentless.
Luckily I work full time and so they go to nursery or a childminder 5 days and then I can get through the weekend with them. Otherwise I would be dead by now I'm sure, I find toddlers energy so stressful (& mine is a very very easy toddler!)

Can you up his nursery hours?

Re dinner after nursery - mine gets 'tea' which is basically a toddler-type meal like beans on toast & fruit at nursery, I used to cook for mine every night but they don't need it, banana & milk is perfect!

Re the garden door/back door. Get a simple door/cupboard catch, way above toddler head height, it takes 6 tiny screws & thats sorted.

Find a safe area or enclosed park you can walk your children outside, there will be one near you. Chuck them both in there and stick your headphones on.

Your husband sounds like he's stuck in the 50's. Do you want this life? Will you end up divorcing anyway? Why not go back to your parents for a bit and let him see how 'easy' your life is!

Don't discount meds for yourself.

Mine is too. It started around that age to the point where we had tried lots of things had to set a 'one banana a day' limit. Now he's 3.5 and STILL obsessed. So he generally has one when he wakes up and then he can't have any more - he was getting diarrhea in a daily basis from too much fruit! I just keep saying now "that's not on the menu today". On repeat. Yes it's boring, but it's slowly working!

Mine did and so did all their toddler friends.
Mine sat in a highchair for all meals once weaned and unless it was a picnic they sat at the table , on a booster then a normal chair
I think if they get used to it they don't know any different.
Absolutely no wandering around with food, it's a choking risk

I have experienced this and looking back I wish I had adopted some of the advice already given. I wish I had realized how tough this phase is, like really fucking awful. Two under two, too. And the second was a destroyer of worlds. 😔

Survivial mode:
If they only want a banana around dinner time, just give them the banana and the milk and chalk it up to experience. They will survive.
Do go to the park and strap them both in, buy eat plus and carry the hell on with your day.
Consider reins for the bolter.
Be kind to yourself. Take your meds. Insist on a break. Go to bed as soon as you can at night and catch up on sleep.
De clutter your environment and reduce stimulus.
Take a mighty deep breath and say "this too will pass".

You're doing an amazing job. You really are!

I wouldn’t expect a 2 year old to sit at a table and eat, I think part of the problem is that your expectations are too high for that age.

This. You're not alone. We all feel like this. But it's usually at home, where no-one can see us... and obviously no-one talks about how it feels because by the time we're out with friends, it doesn't seem 'that bad'.

Getting out the house usually gets me put off a funk.

Sending hugs (and strength to manage the rest of the day) x

OP please take the ADs. They work.
And tell your useless DH that if he thinks he can do better he's in charge of tea time.
Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough unless they put their money where their mouth is.
But above all this what you need is SLEEP!
Tell useless DH that unless he ensures you get one uninterrupted night a week complete with lie-in that you are off to your mum's and he's in charge for 24hours.
There's a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique.
Remind him that if you divorced he'd have to look after them by himself and you'd have time to yourself which you don't now.
Time to put the fear of God into the useless lump.

Can’t you strap him in the pram.

Probably not a popular idea but I discovered this whilst puppy training when my dc were very young. I had a whistle and everytime dc and dog strayed I blew the whistle and dog got a treat and dc got a choc button when they came back 🙈🤣 I got some looks but it worked

Your husband has never spent more than 4 hours alone with them, steals all
lie ins for himself and has the audacity to criticise you?! Plus you’re dealing with criticism from your parents and PIL?! Fucking hell, you’re just massively up against it and doing really well in the face of zero support and active criticism. You sound so shattered.

Go with the easier options so secure parks and soft plays when you can, educational tv for periods of time, extra nursery for 2 yo so you can get days to yourself.

I think I’d drop the rope on 2yo eating, just put out some food including some things he likes (eg cheese, crackers, banana, tomatoes etc), make zero comment on his eating then clear away after. It sounds like he’s chasing control so give him ( limited) control. I like the phrase “you decide what and when, they decide whether and how much” in terms of eating.

Hi OP!

I very rarely comment on MN threads, I’m just a big lurker usually. BUT I couldn’t read this one and run. I’m also a mom to an almost 4 year old (4 next week!) and a 1 year old who is turning 2 in 4 weeks time. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. This is easily the HARDEST thing I have ever done, so you have my sympathies.

Personally, I think your biggest issue is lack of support. It ‘takes a village’ to raise these kids and it doesn’t sound like you have even a neighbour, let alone a whole village. Which is why this season of life is so hard for you. I was going to ask where you were located because I would’ve happily spent time with you and your children and helped relieve the strain but unfortunately we’re opposite ends of the country…

So the best I can do is a few words of support:

1. You are doing a GOOD job. You are a good mom. Never doubt yourself.
2. Snacks! Give them snacks. Mine snack constantly. They want chocolate? Sure! 3rd cheesestring of the day? Go ahead! As long as they’re eating - they’re fine :-) add a vulti mit in if you’re concerned about nutrition.
3. Find a park/local playgroup etc that has a secure play area. My almost 2 year old is exactly like yours at the moment. A runner. A tantrum master. Get them somewhere they can release their energy in a safe environment. Don’t worry about potential judgement etc. Just get yourself out - fresh air will do you wonders.
4. Clean if you need to clean! I also cant relax in a messy house. Cleaning it is far more beneficial for me as it aids my peace of mind and enables me to relax once the children are asleep. If it makes you feel better - get it done.
5. Have faith and perseverance. This stage will pass (what I keep telling myself) maybe start a journal? Get all of your emotions out on paper every evening before bed and start the next day with a fresh slate?

I hope better days are coming for you. If you don’t get the support you need from your DH or any family members etc I hope you believe in yourself enough to know that you can do this.

Much love and solidarity - a fellow burnt out double toddler mom xx

"I'm trying to them that they get snacks and desert type things after they have a meal and not around the clock."

This bit really stuck out to me. When my kids were small and at nursery I was shocked at how often they sat and ate something. Literally like every two hours they had something. The nursery staff explained to me that their tummies were not yet adult sized and that they couldn't last four hours like an adult would. So it was breakfast at home at 7:30, breakfast at nursery at 09:30, lunch at 11:30, afternoon snack at 13:30 and so on. Maybe they need feeding more often?

Really feel for you though! The feral years are hard work.

I would Def recommend trying your anti depressants, that did help me but the biggest difference was when the husband pulled his finger out and started to pull his weight

Why didn’t you take the anti depressants? You’re clearly struggling.

I wish I could put it more delicately but he will absolutely pick up on how you feel and this will cause him to act out more. Take the antidepressants fgs.

When going out put the reins on and he can carry on all he wants. It won’t be long before he’ll accept them.

Our 3yo rarely eats a full dinner on nursery days. They have a snack, lunch, another snack, then tea before we collect them. They generally just have a healthy snack before bed. Very rarely do they have dinner.

It's pure survival at that age and all hands on deck.

No 1 priority is getting you sleep/ rest as you sound burnt out. No surprise parenting 2 young children by yourself. Honestly it's a game changer with hand on grandparents or partner ( I had neither)

Tell your DH this. If he doesn't step up you will crack. Same with the in laws. If they are no use, book in some extra nursery days.

I would completely agree if your kids aren't in, they can't make a mess. It also burns off energy and means they are less likely to dump toys out and mess your house up.

Rotate toys rather than get rid. I used to have big ikea bags in the garage and swap them round every now and then.

Look into reins for sen kids they can't escape from. I had a bolter 2yo with a newborn and it was bloody awful. It was worse not getting out though.

Book out the secure soft play early every sat morning if need be. Your dh could take them.

My kids are now 9&7yo and those years are long behind me. I took one out for lunch yesterday, couldn't imagine that 5 years ago!

So your husband is a selfish useless prick who does nothing for his children.

You are being abused.
Time to put yourself first OP, before you crack.
You poor pet.
Please tell your parents the truth.
They won't be surprised.

Oh yeah and pediasure. When worrying about their shit diets was sitting with me all day every day I just started giving them pediasure at breakfast. It actually got our food restricted twin to eat better, as she could see I wasn't quite so on edge any more as the meals got chucked at me. Not just dumped, but three of them, chucking melamine like fast bowlers.

Your husband sounds absolutely shit. Tell him he's shit from mumsnet and you can't go on without something changing, and the first thing to try is him.

You are right. It isn’t.

Do they like videos on youtube ( the little one ) or a bit of telly?

Yeah, I understand. We have three between just turned five and three year old twins. It's not one of those responses but our daughter is autistic and escapes, has no perception of risk, wants what she wants and is frankly gross. Shit on the walls snots for fun gross. My husband is OK but not setting the world alight as an early years practitioner or anything. Very limited family help due to the oldies having fled to the sun or just being decrepit.

We are just so very barely starting to see the faintest glimmer of daylight as the other twin visibly grows more assured but fuck it has been hard. The only thing that has kept me sane is childcare. We honestly would not cope a day without help.