Page 10 | Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

glassdo · 2024-09-15T12:54:55+00:00

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life. My kids are two and four and it's so relentless. I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed. Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants. I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up. I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in. I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore I'm absolutely fuming today.

Fastback · 16/09/2024 11:36

Happyinarcon · 15/09/2024 14:21

I don’t know if it helps but I was a pushover parent and things worked out fine. I found some iPad games suitable for toddlers and played them endlessly. I had the wiggles playing 24/7. I took the easy way out at every turn and got through in the end. I didn’t have rules, we ate snacks on a towel in front of the tv, my kid had a bottle or dummy whenever they wanted one even after they got too old for one. We didn’t go out and do enrichment activities because I couldn’t be bothered.

I think a happy lazy mum in a messy house is nicer for the kid than an upset organised mum. Maybe get some childminding help or some cleaning help. Right now just focus on getting through these years.

Ok…

Nov902 · 16/09/2024 10:06

OP I feel you so much. I have a 3 & 5 year old I have only 20 months between them & it’s so so hard!
I’ve had terrible days. It gets better. My 5 year old is now in year 1 in school & I feel he is far better & easier to deal with than he used to be. Ive openly said that I hate the toddler/preschool years they are shit!
House wise lower your standards a little I’ve had an issue with an untidy house. Keep the kitchen/bathroom clean & vacuum I feel that bare minimum gets me by. Consider a cleaner I haven’t got one but it’s something I’m still considering.
Quite frankly you need more support firstly from your husband I think you need to sit him down & demand he listens & explain how low you are feeling & how hard it is.
With regards your mum is she from the generation where women were housewives? Sadly today most people need 2 wages to survive so it’s not the same. She needs to offer more support maybe have a chat with her I’m not sure how close you are.
Food wise one day my 3 year old had rice crispies for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I used to stress about the food thing but I’ve started to chill about it my thoughts are she’s unlikely to be eating like this at 20 & she’s healthy and alive! After nursery she doesn’t want much food either she has a tea there at 4.30 so comes home & asks for you guessed it rice crispies!
You are not a crap mum you are doing a good job I’ve also been through the anxiety of taking them out alone so I totally get how you feel xx

SpiderPlanter · 16/09/2024 08:26

glassdo · 15/09/2024 18:56

@SpiderPlanter I'm london zone 6 / south of the river area that's very sweet of you to offer haha

Oh we’re hundreds of miles apart, otherwise I would absolutely come and help you out! I was alone for a long time and it’s rough.

Definitely give Home Start a call, get some reigns, let some things go and go easy on yourself. No one should be criticising you and you need to talk to your husband about things, be firm. Put yourself first in some circumstances, you need it. Xx

TheGoddessFrigg · 16/09/2024 08:19

Firstly HOW DARE your husband and parents even think about criticising you?! Why arent they stepping up to help, if your husband is away and you are working and on your own with two small children? People like this are just the worse- either do something to help or shut the fk up

Secondly my friend's son at two would only eat kielbasa (polish sausage) cherry tomatoes and chocolate. For all meals. And she just let him. He is now 5 and eats absolutely everything and so rarely tantrums. (She's also a child psychologist )
It's like that meme: 'Pick your battles. Not that many battles- put some back'

DdB2024 · 16/09/2024 08:13

Where do you live hun? Please find your nearest Family Centre/Children's Centre. They have safe spaces, mums and baby groups, support and advice and even parenting classes with all the tips and support. Usually free as well. Do attend the centre, they're really great.

MikeRafone · 16/09/2024 08:04

glassdo · 15/09/2024 16:27

He never has. He's maybe done 4 hours once.

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Arrange for him to look after the children at the next possible opportunity and go out for a day - leave him to it and don't whatever you do "sort" anything before you go - thats for him to prepare

Aliciainwunderland · 16/09/2024 07:53

I also recommend the solid starts app. Lots of information and practical advice on picky eating.

Original poster

glassdo · 16/09/2024 07:17

RosesAndHellebores · 16/09/2024 07:04

@glassdo I hope you have a better day today.

Thank you so much and thanks everyone for commenting.

I was so tired last night I completely passed out. I think I've just been so run down lately, it doesn't help emotional regulation at all.

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 16/09/2024 07:04

@glassdo I hope you have a better day today.

Aria999 · 16/09/2024 02:05

Get ear defenders so you can cope with the screaming.

Omg yes. I have some that I bought for using the hammer drill and now the DVs use them when we are baking and use the electric mixer. They cost about £10. Definitely used them for screaming a few times!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/09/2024 23:11

Sorry haven't rtft but my colleague used the stairgate to have 'mummy' breaks. She would sit on the stairs with her coffee while youngest yells at her from below and eldest whines from above, both safe and apart. She put headphones on and told them they were not allowed interrupt her break. Eventually they let her to it and understood what Mummy break time meant. Ingenious idea

Makingchocolatecake · 15/09/2024 23:10

glassdo · 15/09/2024 18:50

I have not been good. My body has gone to shit. I'm not who I was at all.

I definitely post natal depression. The GP diagnosed and gave me anti d's which I never took and some CBT which was useless.

But at the end of the day, I had a newborn and a two year old and I had zero help and did every single night waking alone. Of course I was fucked.

I went and stayed with my parents for around 6 weeks. That's how I dealt with it.

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Why didn't you take the medication? Maybe consider them, they can be really helpful

Makingchocolatecake · 15/09/2024 23:06

glassdo · 15/09/2024 14:23

He bloody opens the buggy harness and just runs off. After our recent holiday I cannot do anything anymore without feeling extremely on edge when out and about.

A few months ago I was taking flights alone with them, but he's feral now getting out of everything.

He's worked out how to open the door into the garden now and just lets himself out whenever he wants.

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Have a look for better clips/restraint straps/anti escape etc on the Internet for car seats and pushchairs etc

I'm having to tie reins to the pushchair for my 2yo now for her to stay sat down.

Elsvieta · 15/09/2024 23:05

Have you thought about a half-door like on a stable, to contain him in whichever room he'll do least damage in? Like chest-high on you. Bolt quite low down on the other side so he can't climb up on a chair or whatever and reach over. Then you can do the housework or whatever and not have to worry about where he's getting to.

Rig up whatever will keep him in the buggy - something involving a padlock, if you have to.

Get ear defenders so you can cope with the screaming. I know it sounds extreme, but your desperation sounds quite extreme too.

Then tackle the screaming / tantrum thing, by setting the rules and sticking to them (one banana a day, only one small cup of milk etc) and not giving in. But he won't believe you mean it until it's been going on for a while - it'll get worse before it gets better. So get the ear defenders.

BertieBotts · 15/09/2024 22:39

glassdo · 15/09/2024 14:43

Nursery haven't suggested anything like that for him. They say he's really good and only sometimes needs to put on his listening ears. In terms of development he's pretty spot on/ advanced.

Do you think he could have additional needs ? Does it sound like it could be adhd or more ASD?

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To me it sounds like a fairly typical representation of a household with ND, more ADHD than ASD, where the kids and at least one parent (me) is struggling with it (mainly from personal experience) because of the compounding of several issues which then all pile on top of each other, feed into each other and make things worse. It is very familiar to my house, when one thing starts the spiral, and we all fall into it if we are not careful - it is EXHAUSTING, and that is with a supportive husband and with me now aware of the whole ADHD spiral thing.

And IME, nurseries don't mention anything unless the child is causing absolute havoc and/or is noticeably behind in milestones. And even when a child is causing havoc (one of mine does) they seem to really shy away from suggesting anything at all even when it's clear as day to us. The whole "Wait until they are at school" drives me potty because IME the difficult bit with ADHD is not school. It's the bit before school. I am sure school has its challenges but my god the preschool bit is just survival mode one hour at a time. (One of my children is GCSE age so I am not talking out of my arse here).

For example, you mentioned that you're stressed out so have little patience for the kids/can't be thinking up endless activities to keep them occupied - which leads them to then be disruptive/unsettled/attention seeking back which makes you even more frazzled, they also mess up the house doing this which makes you more stressed, so you probably get behind on stuff like washing and dishes which then makes it really difficult to just get any tiny thing done which then means things don't get done properly which means the kids are all out of sorts - this kind of thing.

And no I am not jumping to some kind of "worst conclusion" (How rude! I could think of much worse things.) This is just my experience and perhaps it is helpful/relateable, or not. Perhaps this kind of thing can happen anyway even without ND in the picture.

I also know from previous experience that co-parenting with an unsupportive partner is far worse/more exhausting even than trying to be a single parent, because it is just relentless having criticism on top of all of the other stuff, and also constantly expecting your partner to step up when they don't.

Zonder · 15/09/2024 22:24

Time to ditch supporting him in his dream if he can't support you in bringing up his children.

zaxxon · 15/09/2024 21:58

A good counsellor would hopefully shut down all this "Misery Olympics" shit pretty quickly. He needs to know it's not actually about that, and he's not off the hook.

I recommend you call some counsellors yourself, OP, and spell it out to them privately, before engaging in the couples process.

Aria999 · 15/09/2024 21:57

So, he won't help you with the kids at the weekend, he doesn't want to pay for anyone else to help you, and he's not interested in spending kid free time with you?

He's not giving you much at the moment!

I think it would be good for him to have the kids on his own for a whole day, if you can manage it....

Why is his life so hard? Is it actually or is he just self pitying?

GivingitToGod · 15/09/2024 21:56

SeventhFaerie07 · 15/09/2024 19:31

Hi OP!

I very rarely comment on MN threads, I’m just a big lurker usually. BUT I couldn’t read this one and run. I’m also a mom to an almost 4 year old (4 next week!) and a 1 year old who is turning 2 in 4 weeks time. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. This is easily the HARDEST thing I have ever done, so you have my sympathies.

Personally, I think your biggest issue is lack of support. It ‘takes a village’ to raise these kids and it doesn’t sound like you have even a neighbour, let alone a whole village. Which is why this season of life is so hard for you. I was going to ask where you were located because I would’ve happily spent time with you and your children and helped relieve the strain but unfortunately we’re opposite ends of the country…

So the best I can do is a few words of support:

You are doing a GOOD job. You are a good mom. Never doubt yourself.
Snacks! Give them snacks. Mine snack constantly. They want chocolate? Sure! 3rd cheesestring of the day? Go ahead! As long as they’re eating - they’re fine :-) add a vulti mit in if you’re concerned about nutrition.
Find a park/local playgroup etc that has a secure play area. My almost 2 year old is exactly like yours at the moment. A runner. A tantrum master. Get them somewhere they can release their energy in a safe environment. Don’t worry about potential judgement etc. Just get yourself out - fresh air will do you wonders.
Clean if you need to clean! I also cant relax in a messy house. Cleaning it is far more beneficial for me as it aids my peace of mind and enables me to relax once the children are asleep. If it makes you feel better - get it done.
Have faith and perseverance. This stage will pass (what I keep telling myself) maybe start a journal? Get all of your emotions out on paper every evening before bed and start the next day with a fresh slate?

I hope better days are coming for you. If you don’t get the support you need from your DH or any family members etc I hope you believe in yourself enough to know that you can do this.

Much love and solidarity - a fellow burnt out double toddler mom xx

Wonderful post, I hope OP takes this info on board. She is doing a brilliant job; it makes all the difference if u have family help

Original poster

glassdo · 15/09/2024 21:50

Lavender14 · 15/09/2024 21:32

Op would you insist on marriage counselling? Your dh needs to start listening to you. Quite frankly it sounds like you've got 3 children on the go. I'd remind him that if you decide he's not investing enough in the relationship for you to stay in it, that he will have to lone parent half the week. So he can absolutely get his arse out of bed once a week to give you a lie in and take the kids out for a few hours to let you have a break. It actually sounds like he could be emotionally abusing you. How do you know for sure his mum thinks you're disorganised. I'm really not clear on what he's bringing to the table apart from a wage?

I've suggested it before and he refused to go. I'm going to suggest it again because I just can't get through to him.

I'm really supporting one of his biggest dreams at the moment, in the hope- it will make him a happier person and therefore treat me better / not be as defensive and pull his weight more when he's home etc.

I've reminded him just how much I support his dream and how much I'm putting his happiness first, so can he please try and make more effort back.

It may be an opportune moment to suggest counselling again as he's a bit open at the moment and has softened a bit. By which I mean that he's open to discussing issues without constantly referring back to the fact that he has it so much worse than me.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 15/09/2024 21:32

Op would you insist on marriage counselling? Your dh needs to start listening to you. Quite frankly it sounds like you've got 3 children on the go. I'd remind him that if you decide he's not investing enough in the relationship for you to stay in it, that he will have to lone parent half the week. So he can absolutely get his arse out of bed once a week to give you a lie in and take the kids out for a few hours to let you have a break. It actually sounds like he could be emotionally abusing you. How do you know for sure his mum thinks you're disorganised. I'm really not clear on what he's bringing to the table apart from a wage?

dreamer24 · 15/09/2024 21:28

@glassdo
Your husband sounds worse with every post. Does he have any redeeming qualities? What is he bringing to the table? Genuine questions.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/09/2024 21:25

Happyinarcon · 15/09/2024 14:21

I don’t know if it helps but I was a pushover parent and things worked out fine. I found some iPad games suitable for toddlers and played them endlessly. I had the wiggles playing 24/7. I took the easy way out at every turn and got through in the end. I didn’t have rules, we ate snacks on a towel in front of the tv, my kid had a bottle or dummy whenever they wanted one even after they got too old for one. We didn’t go out and do enrichment activities because I couldn’t be bothered.

I think a happy lazy mum in a messy house is nicer for the kid than an upset organised mum. Maybe get some childminding help or some cleaning help. Right now just focus on getting through these years.

LOOOOOOOOOL. I love this so much.

Also nursery. Outsource this crap.

You’ve just got to survive most days.

allmyliesaretrue · 15/09/2024 21:23

glassdo · 15/09/2024 21:07

I remember a few months ago I suggested we get a baby sitter at the weekends sometimes so we can BOTH have a break and husband was like ' great so we are paying for childcare every day '.. he ridiculed me for suggesting it. No one can possibly have it harder than he has it. It's always a competition. If I say I'm really struggling, he looks bored and disinterested most of the time and just talks about how hard his life is too.

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Fuck him and his life - he needs to listen to you for once instead of rabbiting on about himself!! Presumably he chose to have these children with you, and now he needs to step up and do his share!!

Ask him what his solution is then? Tell him that you will not be carrying on like this going forward. For starters, you each get a lie-in one weekend day. My husband wasn't father of the year and even he did that.

Original poster

glassdo · 15/09/2024 21:07

Aria999 · 15/09/2024 20:33

You are doing a good job.

Given the level of support you don't have, you are doing a fucking amazing job.

Two that close in age must be a nightmare. We have a 4 year gap because I couldn't begin to imagine coping with another one till DS was nearly 3.

Can you afford a babysitter for part of the weekend sometimes? I had to take mine (8 and 4) to a fun fair recently when DH was traveling and I knew I couldn't do it alone so I got a babysitter to come with us. (I also put AirTags on the kids but DS managed to get his off within the first hour despite the magnetic lock and leave it on a ride)

I am with the posters who say that fruit and milk is a perfectly ok diet and you should pick your battles.

Two is a bit young for most of my (at best partially successful) strategies for getting the kids to clean up. Telling them you will put everything from the floor in a box at the end of the evening and they will get it back on Friday might be worth a try. The box is a fast cleanup at any rate!

I remember a few months ago I suggested we get a baby sitter at the weekends sometimes so we can BOTH have a break and husband was like ' great so we are paying for childcare every day '.. he ridiculed me for suggesting it. No one can possibly have it harder than he has it. It's always a competition. If I say I'm really struggling, he looks bored and disinterested most of the time and just talks about how hard his life is too.

OP posts: