Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

OP this is all 100% a husband problem. Of course you’re knackered and overwhelmed trying to do everything on your own - who wouldn’t be?!

we just have a feral 2 year old and it’s SUCH hard work, let alone with a 4 year old as well. Difference is, DH and I are a team and do 50% each of housework and childcare. No way could I manage without his support.

please please take yourself off to a hotel for a weekend. No prior warning, just leave at 10am on the Sat and tell him as you’re walking out the door that you’ll be back the following evening as you need a break. When you get back criticise EVERYTHING he has done - kids not eaten well enough, activities not stimulating or educational enough, house not clean enough. Then sit down and have a serious discussion about his ridiculous expectations and how it’s time for him to shape up or fuck off (and pay maintenance).

oh and next time MIL says anything, remind her she was clearly a shit mum given how utterly useless her son is. Honestly, what a bitch! (And I love my mil!)

honestly op, this is the ONLY way things will improve for you. Please don’t turn to medication for what is entirely a failure on the part of your husband.

is she hyperactive ? Is it worth checking for ADHD ? Is she worse after sweets or is she over stimulated by screen time ? Sorry to ask all these questions if they already been asked ?

Is there an option for your DH to work from home. I know he couldn’t do anything if he was busy, but sometimes just having someone around helps. He could also help out on his lunch and breaks.
I recognize though that may not be possible if you only live in a small property and he’s taking calls. ect.

Her Husband is out working. He’s not off playing golf. What’s he supposed to do give his job up. How would that help anyone

I think this is a really good idea. I have one child but the 3 of us (husband makes 3) live in a 1-bed flat. We sleep in the open plan living area and my daughter has her own room, and she has mountains of toys so I know the struggle of trying to keep somewhere clean and tidy.

Kids who have fewer toys are more creative so it’s actually good for all of you to get rid of some.

Your kids sound incredibly hard to deal with so keep your chin up and fuck what your husband and in laws think to be honest.

I would definitely suggest trying the anti-depressants. Sometimes your brain needs help with its chemistry! From personal experience and that of many others I know, it’s like walking from darkness into light.

Big hugs op I'm sure you are doing great. My girls are 17 months apart in age and I swear I genuinely lost the plot between the ages of 1 and 5........ they are now 10 and 11 years old and are easier to deal with.
But I remember very well dreading taking them anywhere, house was absolute chaos even if all I had done was pick things up all day. Because the house was chaos, my mind was absolute chaos.
Do you have any friends outside of family? Or any supportive family members you can talk to?
I had a partner at the time (their dad) but he was not supportive in the slightest so I was basically on my own. But mom friends you can vent to are very helpful, kids are assholes sometimes, and IMO any parent who says otherwise are definitely lying lol.
Would you consider baby wearing the 2 year old? That can help with containment. Also good earplugs/ headphones, aslong as you can see your children are safe you do not have to listen to the relentless screaming. Noises are a massive trigger for me..... specially that pitch that they hit. So headphones were a must for me.
I'm sure noone thinks your a joke or a mess if a human, and to be quite frank if they do f**k them. Can always do it amazing when your not doing it day I'm day out.
Don't put too much pressure on the eating thing, he genuinely won't starve. My oldest is still am absolute pain with food, would eat crap all day if I allowed her to. But she has never starved, she is actually atleast 10kg heavier than me and 2 dress sizes bigger. Again I know easier said than done, but if he won't eat his dinner just say okay, take it away and don't even mention it again. If he starts screaming for food put the headphones on, if it's a dinner you could put back infront of him do that. It will take time but he will eventually realise it's that and nothing else....... very very hard in practice I do appreciate that. But honestly you got this and your doing great

@Hello55 , I did the blood tests I mentioned and found out my testosterone was half what it should be and my progesterone: oestrogen ratio was 30 !! my oestrogen level was fine - it was my progesterone that was low and out of balance.

so I went to a private menopause clinic and got a prescription (only because in my experience the majority of GPs have no idea about this, don’t listen and try and fob you off with antidepressants and birth control pills). The menopause clinic then wrote to my GP so I could get it prescribed by them.

Initially they only prescribed oestrogen and pr0gesterone (which is standard procedure) but As I felt I didn’t necsssarily need the estrogen (my levels were fine) I took the very lowest dose .

I also took the progesterone ( only bio identical - Utrogestan or cyclogest. Not synthetic ). Then after 3 months I retested and my ratio was 75 so I upped the progesterone to get the ratio over 100. After a while I added in testosterone, then when my oestrogen dropped I upped that one too .

basically I went against the traditional medical recommendation of adding more oestrogen first . I had done a lot of research and was fully informed and made the choice that I felt was correct for me .

Not saying it’s the case for everyone!

It takes time , effort , understanding, fighting for it (sadly) and trial & error . Plus I also am working on having a healthier lifestyle overall .

Mine has had such an impact on my mental health . From awful PMS/PMDD , anxiety, heavy flooding periods , cramps plus PCOS throughout my reproductive years to even worse anxiety , brain fog, rage, UTIs, vertigo etc etc. and feeling really scared during peri menopause!

my peri started at 35 - it took me 5 years to figure it out and doctors dismissed me because I was having periods . massive eye roll !!

Any way sorry if I hijacked the post a bit there. 😊

Hi, how did you manage this? Is there any way of balancing hormones? Tia x

It doesn’t really matter if the house is a mess, what they’ll remember is you playing with them, or not.
You’re overwhelmed and need support, please contact your GP for help.
This won’t last forever, don’t give up!
Good luck.

See if u can book into a parenting course so u know what to do when yr children don’t listen.
get yrself a job so u have other things to focus on.

I used to shut myself in the downstairs toilet, if she was really going for me, with a coffee if I had the presence of mind.

When my child was like this I used to put him into the downstairs toilet and shut the door. It was a safe place and he couldnt hurt himself i told him he could come out as soon as he stopped screaming.I would do the same thing every time he had a paddy. Things soon got better- it got to a stage where I just threaten him with it and it was like a magic switch...give it a try xx good luck I sincerely know awful things can be.

That's a really kind and helpful post @FloozyMcGee.

Sadly in the UK our system of support and intervention for parents of young children has been pretty much dismantled.

Unless you are very lucky, you get only what you pay for here.

When I was really low dealing with my daughter (who was later diagnosed with ADHD and ASD) I took great comfort from a couple of books by American child psychologists, The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. It was obvious from reading them that there is more support in America (maybe area dependent; I don't know).

Your house doesn’t have to be perfect! Try to be calm difficult I know. Start having some boundaries if they do things like you said give them a consequence to it. It’s hard to do it’s repetitive but they soon realise if they keep doing it they will be on the naughty step not have a favourite toy etc. it works and quite quickly kids need boundaries. Can the youngest go to nursery play group a few hours a week to have time with other kids? Also speak to your husband tell him when he is home he needs to help parent as well! Have an agreement so he can have them for a few hours so you to go out meet a friend have a coffee lunch or just to have you time. Otherwise he will have a burned out wife. Don’t let other people tell you how to parent there’s no handbook! But after ending up as a single Mum I found kids need boundaries routine. It’s good for them its structure. They also need to be praised when they are good. Shouting I found never worked just made me more frazzled. Be kind to yourself as well. It’s hard. I don’t want to offend but you sound overwhelmed possibly depressed which is understandable speak to your GP. Good luck.

Your partner is awful. sadly if he didn't change, I can't see this marriage lasting. Get thee to a hotel and see how he responds.

Aw I wish I could give you a hug. My son is exactly the same. I validate all of this. I believe you and know exactly how it is.

This was and is still my life but I have a 10 month old added in. My son is now 3.5 in nursery 3 hours every morning. Soon as he gets home it's just chaos.

I stopped taking them out by myself too because it becomes dangerous. He lets himself out of car seat, runs off l. I completely get it.

And people have been telling me for years (in-laws) "it's all how you parent, don't let them do it" iVE fucking tried for 2 years since he became 1 and it all started!!! I didn't let him cross any boundaries. He just doesn't listen.

Hugs to you
If you can try put him in nursery x

No child starves itself so don’t worry.

Maybe not actually to death but some kids will push it quite a long way. DS aged about 4 started saying he wanted to die because he couldn't eat the food at nursery (and consistently didn't eat lunch and came home ravenous).

I would do the opposite, take healthy snacks around with you and relax about only eating at mealtimes. The kids will probably be much less difficult if they're not hangry.

Maybe you are depressed so have a chat with your GP, or confide in someone that you are having a really hard time (It happens to all of us)
Get the two year old reins and maybe the four year old too so they can’t run off when you go to the park. Find a way of securing the buggy straps to do up at the back or maybe the reins could be attached the the buggy. Get a chain and padlock to secure the gate. Forget the pristine house and play games with your children. Bad behaviour is usually an attempt to get attention - and it works, doesn’t it - only in a negative way, which is an endless cycle of resentment. Put a large polythene sheet on the floor and let them use play dough. If the day is not too cold have a messy painting session outside. Be silly so they can laugh at you. It’s geat to see mum with a blob of paint on her nose. No child starves itself so don’t worry. Don’t give snacks to fill up and sooner or later a hungry child will realise if he doesn’t eat what he is given there’s no alternative.
I used to be ridiculously house proud and beat myself up if I couldn’t get stuff done. Then one day I found my two year old skating around the kitchen floor in a puddle of sauce brown sauce he’d taken out of the fridge, with his shoes and socks neatly placed at the doorway I almost cried. That was the day I realised that the pressure I put on myself was affecting my children. The minute I gave up and realised that spending the time with them was more important, things got much better, so give it a try it may help. X

Oh, hon. These terrible twos are over the top!

Here are a couple of things that helped me. First, with the husby who was always saying, "I just don't know what you do all day," I left town and he took over for a couple of days. That's all it took. With the family I let them know that I did NOT want their judgments, and I had to stop talking to them about him. I did let them know what they could do if they wanted to help (which of course they didn't).
I also insisted that if he wasn't going to be around to give me a break on the weekends, he had to use some of that big money he was earning to hire some help. This applied for a single weekend or on the regular.
And finally, and most importantly, get that child evaluated! Perhaps he's on the autism spectrum. Maybe he has some abdominal issues. Even if it's "just" terrible twos, you need support handling it. We are just not trained how to deal with it without resorting to yelling or even suicidal thoughts! There are behavior interventions that might help; I don't know if they are in the UK, but in the US they are from birth through the school system if the kid qualifies.

When I got so angry that I though I could yell or even hit, I told him that I was putting myself in time out. I would then go in my room and lock the door. Of course this took some "childproofing" the place in advance, but it REALLY helped, as he did NOT like it!
Above all, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!! We all have days where we parent in the least effective way. We're human. These little people don't come with User's Manuals, and every one of them is different! This one sounds particularly challenging. You're doing the best you can. Remind yourself of that.

Somehow you have to show him who'se boss. What's happening now will just get worse later. If he won't sit at the table don't give him anything to eat.Eventually he'll cotton onto the relationship between table and food.He won't let himself die of hunger.

I haven't read all the comments but I imagine there is lots of advice about 'gentle parenting' which is fashionable these days. I dare to say that 'gentle parenting' is only suitable for 'gentle children'. Till he's 16, it's Mummy knows best. Don't let him see you cringe or cry or even raise your voice. He has to recognize that there are consequences to refusing to obey.

I just Googled this ' It may take the entire second year to get your children to consistently obey, but by age three, you should start to see consistent obedience.

So you can start the countdown ! BTW was the elder brother like this and how does he react?

Don't you have a sreoller. Once in there, he can't run ooff. The garden isn't an option, it's not going to wear him out.

This! You have more stamona than they do. Does the little one go in a stroller? Even better because you have control.

Also, your husband needs to be left alone with the kids for an entire weekend and DO NOT prepare anything - food etc. When you return, ask why the children haven’t had a nutritious meal and why the house is not spotless.