I am BU, but why?

My Dad died following a cardiac arrest in January. His friends have done all sorts of fundraising in his name since and have been very active in posting about what they’ve been doing on social media. I think even if one person is helped by what they’ve done, it’s a good thing.

At least you know you’re being irrational, but that’s what grief does to you sometimes.

She accused them of attention seeking.

I don't think it's an irrational reaction at all. It's really hurtful to be suddenly confronted with those pics on SM. Just really raw and hurtful.

Did they discuss this idea with you before posting on SM? If they didn't, they're disrespectful tbh.

Unfortunately you can't say anything to your cousins since they're apparently doing a good thing and for someone they had a relationship with.

But, I would take steps to protect my own MH and mute them and anyone who's re posting that, at least until the event has finished and all the fuss has died down.

I probably would also struggle with wanting to absolutely scream at them to pack it in - if you have a counsellor that would probably be the most appropriate outlet.

@Falsenegative

im really sorry to hear about your Mum💐

my Dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He was only 65. It was a few years ago now.

is there a part of you that feels they're over stepping Do you want to say 'she's MY mum, not yours!!' Do you feel like they're putting on a show of grief for attention?

its not uncommon to feel that way.

you might benefit from some bereavement counselling?

I think I get it, OP. She was their aunt, but she was your mother, and now they’re putting her death all over social media in a way you didn’t anticipate and don’t necessarily want to see. And it’s perhaps like they’re centering themselves as “chief mourners” by posting about their reaction to her death so much.

Maybe you feel they are appropriating your Mum’s death and doing something which garners public approval? I can totally understand why you feel that way @Falsenegative . Did they discuss it with you before they did it?

They’re probably doing it for the right reasons and to process their own sadness about losing their auntie, but I do get why you feel irked. So sorry for your loss.

If you know your mum would have hated it, it makes complete sense that it doesn’t sit easily for you. Be kind to yourself. It’s fine to just ignore it.

She hasn’t accused them of anything. She’s trying to figure out why she’s having these seemingly irrational reactions. She can’t help how she feels.

I can see if she's linked it to your mother's passing it could seem very insensitive. I felt like that a lot around bereavement, I lost my dad suddenly from heart attack when I was 13. I got quite angry about certain things.
I totally understand how you feel. But it is a form of anger around loss, that isn't reasonable to express necessarily in person.
If you try and think that she's doing something good and try and ignore the fact it seems like almost taking attention away from your loss and grief.
I know it's hard. But ultimately your cousin hasn't done anything wrong.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. X

Oh I missed this.

It's a horrible thing to accuse them of OP.

They're entitled to fund raise in memory of their aunt without being accused of nasty things like this.

How would your mum feel about your thoughts on this?

You could be seeing their fundraising as virtue signalling. You could feel cynical about helping the charity since you don't see how they could have helped your mum. You could just hate being reminded of your mum's death or seeing your mum's death being exploited for charity.

Given the nature of the OPs post you were actually being incredibly insensitive and mean. The OP is clearly trying to work out why she feels like this and isn’t talking about her cousins in any negative way. We can’t help our thoughts and feelings. Only our actions. Your actions in posting that were really unkind.

Were they nice to your mum when she was alive? Are they genuinely sad that she died?

I think you have some sort of misplaced guilt because they're doing it in memory of your mum and you are not.

However, you don't need to do it so don't worry about it.

They feel the need/want to do it and as she was their aunt, it's a lovely thing to do.

Put your hand in your pocket, give them a few quid and I'm sure you'll feel much better.

I think the fact that you haven’t said anything rude, and recognised that you have these feelings and don’t want to engage with social media is fine. As long as you are not rude about it, it is not unreasonable at all, just how you feel.

Does it feel like they are encroaching on your grief? Or that’s this is performative, some way slightly not-genuine and more about being seen or praised for fundraising? Is it the splashing your mum’s death around social media? All of these are reasonable to feel uncomfortable about.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Grief can come in lots of forms.

May be it’s the unsolicited reminder of such a sudden loss. connects you to it when you aren’t primed for it. Could be that it was your mum and not theirs. Could be that it feels a bit ‘showy’ and may be their actions before her loss don’t match. Does it feel like they are doing it for them but using the loss of your mum to crow bar something more meaningful in? Are they ‘altruistic narcissists’ that like to look good but are may be actually quite self centred usually?

Don’t beat yourself up about it. This kind of thing irritates me too and it’s not even related to a big loss. I give to charity quietly without telling anyone s
and when I have done a sponsored walk I just put the money in myself as couldn’t bear to ‘make a fuss’ - but I’m odd like that. 😊

Point proven.

Are you feeling guilty that they are doing something for the cause and you're not? Are you jealous that they are getting attention?