I am BU, but why?

Most people want to raise money or awareness of a disease that has taken their loved one.

Its ok if you don’t (it doesn’t make you a bad person) but I wonder if the reason as to why you don’t want, is part of the reason you’re so annoyed.

If she was still alive and they were doing this, would you feel better or worse or the same?

Part of working out why we’re feeling a certain way is by working out the things we’re not feeling too.

Grief is very multi dimensional and unfortunately you may not be able to get to the exact route of the problem but hopefully you will be able to get some sort of answers.

I had a similar thing happen and felt exactly the same way.

actually it was even more complex and weird because the dead person was awful in many ways and I felt very conflicted and guilty (as I knew I would feel when I made the decision) because I had very little contact with them in the years immediately before they died.

Is it that they’re capitalising on her death for social media posts that make them look good? And also obviously you were a closer relative and it feels like they’re taking control of the public narrative?

I think you feel they are making it about them, that they've clearly moved on from it to a more positive place and you feel stuck and seeing the posts unexpectedly is them rubbing it in.

It's okay for grief to bring along a whole shed of irrational feelings, be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing not engaging.

Hey OP. My Mum passed 2 years ago and a family member planned to build something in her memory.
From an outside point of view it was a lovely gesture, but I was so angry for weeks and couldn't understand why.

Eventually I realised that I didn't want something pretty to look at. I wanted my Mum. I was grieving, and at the stage where nothing would have made me feel any better. I was mad at the world.

I'm nor saying you have the same train of thought, but I just want you to know that whatever you're feeling is normal and valid. Grief is delicate.

I completely understand. I very recently lost my dad (7 weeks ago). The other day a ‘memory’ popped up on Facebook about an occasion a few years ago with a nice photo of dad. It was totally unexpected and it triggered me. I was upset about it all day. I’ve since changed my settings so I don’t get fb memories.
I’m not surprised you’re feeling this way when you’re unexpectedly confronted with photos of your mum. It’s not about your cousin’s raising money for a good cause at all.
Until your cousins have completed their run you can opt out of seeing their posts on fb.
If you want to, you can still thank them and send a donation.
Sending condolences 💕

Could it be that it feels like they're simplifying the problem? Like it can all be fixed with fundraising when that's not the reality of what happened?

I'm sorry about your mum 🌺🌺

And you don’t need to! Bizarre advice. It helps some people but it’s a very personal thing grief and what is helpful for one might not be for another.

My only advice to you is that you have had a big loss so be kind to yourself. 💐

Anger is a recognised stage of grief and you might just be going through that at the moment. After my mum died there was a stage when I was irrationality incredibly angry about anyone who still had their mum. That included my dad despite the fact he'd lost his wife and that his mum, my nan, was one of my favourite people in the world.
Can you mute them on socials so you aren't seeing the posts? I think I'd want to say something, especially as you say your mum wouldn't have wanted it, but it might be easier to just avoid them while you're still quite early on the grieving process.

It must be overwhelming to open up FB, and see pictures of your mother, unexpectedly. It’s only been a year - which is such a short space of time when you’re grieving.

I know I had to mute Facebook memories for a while after the death of someone as the random popping up was painful.

Did you know in advance or were you taken by surprise? It is a nice thing to do (you know that) but I can understand the way it’s made you feel. It’s irrelevant though - you feel the way you feel.

Sorry for your loss.

(I can see you didn’t know until the posts popped up).

I think your feelings are valid and it’s a reasonable reaction to what has happened.
BUT I would strongly suggest you keep those feelings and opinions to yourself or your partner/close friends who are not part of the cousins family.
Your cousins are also grieving a loss. Nowhere close to yours but still a loss. They are dealing with it and attempting to celebrate their aunts life in a way that can make a little positive impact. If they were good to your mum and you believe them to be sincere then they have done nothing wrong.
I would also suggest you send them a fiver.Your lack of contribution will stand out and could cause some upset.
For yourself, stay off Facebook for a bit and find someone outside of the immediate family that you can vent to!

I totally get this @Falsenegative - unexpectedly seeing photos from other people must knock the wind from you. It’s a horrible pit of the stomach feeling isn’t? I also find round DMs anniversaries I get incredibly over sensitive. Like I’ve lost a layer of skin. My DBro is a poster of tributes to her and she would have HATED it and it makes me grind my teeth.

So I do absolutely get where you’re coming from.

I get your irrational shuddering at this.

My father died 7 yrs ago. He was part of a group whom have a high profile in the area he lived at. I don't live there. I get tagged, What's app messages from family/friends everytime something he did/was involved with is mentioned on the group's site/social medi la etc...

And I.open the messages and feel irrationally pissed off. I know people are being kind. I should be thinking "oh look, how lovely. Wasnt he amazing".

But I don't, I think about how much I miss him, how much my children missed out without him being in their lives. How much he'd have loved their hobbies and veen involved. I think about how he died. How he was too young. And I get angry.

I'm so sorry for your loss

It's fine, you're still grieving. But I'm wondering if you're projecting a bit, because they're channelling the loss into something productive, but you're not. And that's fine, there's no right or wrong. But I think you should be respectful of what they're doing, even if the virtue signalling - if that's what it is - does annoy you.

Grief isn't rational at all.

After my son died one of my friends had his picture framed and she put it on her wall.

I was furious, he was my son, why did she have his picture up?

With time has come the realisation that focusing on that was just something tangible I could be pissed off at.

In your shoes I would just mute them on social media for now and work through your feelings.

Sorry about your lovely Mum 💐

Not to them! She’s working out why she feels like she does. Not having a go at them. She is saying that MIGHT be the THOUGHT she is having that’s making her feel this way. She can’t help what thoughts she is having and how she feels.

They are doing a lovely thing.

They are trying to raise money to find better treatment/cures for a disease to stop other peoples loved ones from dying it from it.

They are literally helping to save people’s lives and they’re doing it in your mothers memory, which is lovely.

The best way to do this is through social media, as it reaches more people.

Its not virtue signalling or attention seeking - it’s spreading the word to get more donations/make people aware.

You need to try and change your mindset.

When someone dies, I tend to get angry rather than sad.
I don’t know why.

Maybe you are just angry and you need someone to focus your anger/annoyance on.

Could you find a way to raise money for the cause?
Maybe this will refocus your energy.

Absolutely this! I'd hate it!

They could do in the run in memory of your mum but why do they have to post pictures too??

Virtue signalling that's why, and a bit of grief vampiring going on.

I know a cousin that raised money in memory of his aunt but her husband and children were very supportive. He checked first.

He was incredibly close to his aunt and cousins and went on holiday with them regularly.

Although on reflection I didn't donate any money, even though the aunt was a best friend of mine, but probably would have if one of her children did the run.

I think I'd find it irritating too.

Did they ask before they did it?

I think I'd be pissed off if some random cousins started posting my mom's photo on FB and using her to ask for donations.

I think it's fair enough to raise money but not use your mom to do it. I'm lucky my mom is alive but my brother died suddenly 3 years ago. I still wouldn't feel good seeing his photo being used by more distant relatives. It's bad enough that FB tells me he liked Tesco's every time one of their adds pops up.

I would mind for these reasons and I would doubly mind because you can’t say anything. I think it’s completely human and understandable.
so sorry for your loss.