I am BU, but why?

If you accept it's irrational, you literally accept that there isn't a valid reason, so it's pointless asking why.

Could you contact your cousins and say something like you know they are doing a nice thing trying to raise money in memory of your mum BUT you find it really triggering to open social media and see pictures of your mum. Say it knocks the wind out of you, that it makes you emotional and that you also know your mum would have hated being plastered all over facebook in this matter. Ask if they could in future not add a photo. If they want to write that it’s in memory of their aunt then fine but you would appreciate not the pictures as it’s just too much.
then mute their posts

Did they have much to do with her in actual life as that would depend on whether I thought you where being unreasonable or not

It seems that you've been bypassed in the process. They didn't ask you first, but now they're probably getting loads of lovely comments sympathising with them for their loss and telling them how 'lovely' they are for what they're doing. I can absolutely understand why you're annoyed over it. I would be too.

This is it- the fact that you keep seeing your mum and her memory every time you open social media so you are faced with the reminder of your loss constantly.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Grief is pretty complicated and involves a lot of unexpected emotions (like anger). Plus seeing reminders on social media can be hard.

Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. Like you say, as long as you haven't said anything in person to your cousins I think exploring your own feelings on the matter is a very reasonable thing to do. I'm sorry for your loss.

I completely get why you would feel this way. It must feel a bit like that are trying to muscle in on your grief for your mother, making it about them and their big performative gesture, without really thinking how it might make you feel as the daughter who has lost her mum. I'm sure they don't realise this is what it looks like, but that doesn't make it any more palatable to you. I completely understand how you feel.

I think @Agapornis hit the nail on the head for me!

Sorry about your Mum OP.

I would feel the same tbh.
It feels virtue signally and unless the BHF were direct involved in helping your Mum, a bit irrelevant? Also, it doesn't help bring your mum back does it.

I would be mortified to be plastered all over Facebook post-humously because someone decided they needed a reason to start running (very cynical of me).

You're being unnecessarily mean to someone who is grieving their mother and has admitted they are being unreasonable and asking for reasons why. Perhaps you could reflect why you are so triggered by OP?

I know exactly how you feel x

Are you generally a private person? I don't think I would like it either.

I kind of get it and kind of think you are being a bit silly. But I also get it. Grief isn’t rational.

My cousin (still apparently) posts exactly how many weeks it’s been since my mum died. With a photo talking about how devastated she is. No fundraising no nothing.It fucked me off so I unfriended her. That cause an argument and she told me I was prioritising my own grief over hers. Well yes of course I fucking was. She was my mum.

it wasn’t until cousins Dad told her to back off that she did. I did feel like she was exploiting mum’s death for attention.

However, in this situation, they are posting for a reason and doing something really worth while. If they liked running before, now they are doing to bring some good into the world and your father and sister support them.

To protect yourself I would suggest hiding their posts.

OP, 12 months is nothing in terms of shock and grief.

You must feel she has been hijacked by them.

Far nicer I think to do the run and simply donate to the cause privately.

The type of people who do this are the type of posters who would berate you for not feeling grateful.

Its your mum, not theirs.
The only person who can choose to do this, is a sibling of yours, other than that, I think it is too soon and very off.

I lost someone very close a few years ago and I remember the physical pain in my chest when a picture of her would unexpectedly pop up.

Definitely mute them and mind yourself.

Do charities get on your nerves? They get on my nerves, especially as its the fat cats at the top who benefit from the donations so i think its pointless. Also, when people are so public about how they are sacrificing themselves to fundraise, it gets under my skin. It feels as though its a bandwagon to jump on.

Sometimes a phonecall, or an effort to meet up is what I appreciate if I've suffered (or in your case, bereavement).

I'd feel similar

I did a walk the monthly for prostrate cancer at the time ntdad was being treated.

And my posts just said "affected someone close to me". Probably most people could have twigged it was my dad.

But I'd not have used his image /tagged him as that would be not his thing at all. Not mine.

So yes then doing it, using her picture, when your mum would not have appreciated the attention at all is crass. They can still do the race and posts without pictures of your mum.

My mother died recently from a very different cause. I think I'd be really upset if one of my cousins did something like that.

My reasons would include them not being present much while she was alive, their relative distance from her, the feeling that they would be 'owning' my grief. And probably other reasons I can't articulate.

Some really mean responses here. The OP has not said anything unpleasant to her cousins and simply posted here for help in understanding her feelings.

Honestly, this is why I have told very few people about my feelings over my mother's death. Because too many people are plain nasty.

You're not being a dick.
My DM passed away 2 years ago, stage 4 cancer.
Dd's friend did Race for Life apparently in memory of my DM, it absolutely irritated the shit out of me.
My DM has died and she's plastered all over FB, it felt like clout chasing / virtue signalling by the friend.
Comments like " oh Hun, what a lovely thing to do" and "so sorry for your loss"
No, it's not her loss, it's my loss.
It became more about the friend than my mum passing away.
These people commenting who didn't even know my DM.
FFS, I just wanted to scream "that's MY mum".
It's personal, the loss of your DM, it's your pain and your loss, everyone else needs to back off.
I understand how you feel but it's difficult to articulate ❤️

@Falsenegative you've had a lot of unfair comments. I lost my mum suddenly and I know I've been so unfair and irrational since - grief can do very strange things to us

Because if they wanted to raise money to give to charity, they could just set up a direct debit without the public display and asking others.

Because they're going on a jolly in the name of grief and charity.

Because they've made grieving for your mum all about them, the charity, and the illness - not about your mum.

Because BHF couldn't give a shit about your mum, so why would you care about BHF.

Because the £1-2k they raise will make no material difference to BHF's annual income.

(I work in charity fundraising, but very much not on the community fundraising side because I disagree with it. There's a Radio 4 comedy called Do Gooders that is a not inaccurate representation of the sector.)

OP I instinctively know I'd feel exactly the same as you do in this situation. I'm neuro-diverse though which I think would be part of the reason for my unreasonable response. No advice, just solidarity. You're not a bad person. This too will pass.

Yeah. I don’t think it’s a ‘most people’ thing either.

OP, from your posts it sounds like your mum didn't do social media, didn't want to do social media and didn't want to be anywhere on social media, but due to their fundraising your cousins are posting your mum all over social media. I think you find this disrespectful to the person your mum was, and you're angry about this. I have family who don't do social media and don't want their photos on social media. I respect that for the ones who are still with us, and still respect if for those who no longer are.

So if this is the reason for your anger, I think that you're not actually being unreasonable, but I'm not sure that you can do anything about it.