I am BU, but why?

I get annoyed by charity events like running or skydiving that seemingly take a lot of effort but don't produce anything useful other than money which people may well have donated anyway.

I just think that instead of running 5k or whatever, why not have a sponsored litter pick, or a sponsored paint the school - do something of actual use!

Anyway yes I sympathise, and although your reaction may be irrational I don't think it's unreasonable to have irrational reactions 😬

They've co-opted your very personal and painful grief in order to publicly virtue signal what great people they are.

It would be less distasteful if they hadn't used actual pictures of your mum. Did they speak to you about it beforehand or did you find out on social media, because that makes it even worse.

I get it. I recently did a thing to raise money for a charity who helped my mum. But I didn’t use ‘her story’ because I know that would have given her massive ick. She always hated the ‘my grandma just died’ VTs on X factor!

You feel like they're appropriating grief, acting like it was their tragedy and not yours?

You feel like you should be doing what they're doing (or similar) and it makes you feel guilty?

As long as you don't let it show, you're fine. Maybe force out one supportive message, even if you feel a bit fake?

Indeed.

They could just say they are doing the run for their aunt without specifically naming her /posting a picture. That would be fine.

I completely understand. I lost my mum to cancer and I when I see adverts or people I know raising money for cancer research or Macmillan etc it makes me feel very annoyed\irritated. I know it's completely unreasonable and if anything I should feel the opposite after losing my mum to cancer but in all honesty, I feel very resentful as my mum didn't survive or got any help from Macmillan or the nhs, just let to die in agony.

Could you also may be feeling that the fundraisers are breaching her right to privacy a bit?

I think that perhaps you value the space to grieve privately and the social media posts feel a bit public and ‘invasive’? Sorry for your loss.

Grief should never be quantified. There is no more or less. Please stop. Just support the OP or leave the thread.

Solidarity to all in this shitty club ie bereavement in all it's forms. It's a whole new surreal world and forever changed.

When my DP died, I had to do alot of social media because he did and was fairly well known locally. The rage some of the responses induced was probably disproportionate but hey ho, I'm only human.

I tried to describe it to a therapist (a short lived and fruitless exercise to placate people worrying about me).

The only analogy I could come up with was the final scene from that film - I think it's called Parfum, about a murderer who creates an irresistible scent that makes people go a bit nuts when he douses himself in it at the end to evade capture and the townspeople literally devour him, leaving nothing behind.

Probably makes me sound a little nuts but that was the gist of it in my head - the overwhelming of other people's thoughts and feelings almost cancelling out my own.

There comes a point where one may want to scream "I know you mean well (probably) but for the love of all things unholy, please just stop and let me take a breath in peace,".

Whether irrational or not, you feel what you feel, and the processing can be a long haul...

I find people who do this with lots of posts tend to be attention seeking and performative.

They wanted to run anyway, they just have a nice story to garner attention. Thats how I view it. I much prefer donating to people who do something out their comfort zone for a cause that’s much better researched. For example, a charity that actually was helpful to the person who lost their life rather than the obvious ones.

My parents are alive, but right now we’re dealing with my dad’s Parkinson’s disease. I have absolutely zero desire to raise any money, because PD is taking up enough of my life, and zero desire to “raise awareness,” because if people aren’t aware of Parkinson’s disease, I’m glad to let them enjoy that. I wish I wasn’t aware of Parkinson’s disease, either.

(Somewhat different in that PD isn’t fatal, just debilitating, but I agree that fundraising is not how all people deal with a family member’s illness.)

It's her mum who died. I'd never put my grief above anyone else's and the op has shared that her mum didn't want her pics or info posted online. I'd be raging if my siblings did the same for their nephews, my sons

No advice to add OP. But just to say I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

My dad died recently, completely unexpected. Heart attack due to 95% blocked arteries… except he’d been in for his annual check up 12 days beforehand and had an echo and was told everything was fine. I (also irrationally!!) would feel pissed off too if someone was publicly raising money for the BHF for him. Probably irrational but I feel he was completely failed by health services/heart specialists and right now I’m too angry with them to want anything to do with them.

I would feel the same. I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

When we had a big loss I felt alot of pressure to be fundraising or raising awareness and throwing ourselves all over social media.

What we actually needed to do was have time and space to put ourselves back together, so that's what we did.

I personally find all the public grieving and go fund mes every time someone loses someone a bit performative and undignified. However I'm sure it brings great comfort to some so horses for courses.

What I had a real issue with was people who hadn't bothered with any of us for tears putting up heartbroken memorandum posts full of 😥

You don’t say in any of your posts what they’ve actually said in their fundraising post? Have they even mentioned your mum?

I did a run through work for the NCB, it’s not a charity particularly close to my heart, all I know is they help kids and I’m fine with that. I couldn’t tell you the difference between them and the NSPCC.

Maybe your cousins know heart disease is the biggest killer in the world and wanted to raise money to fight it.

This is a world apart from two cousins raising money in memory of their much loved aunt.

Sorry for your loss. I would find this really upsetting too. Everyone grieves differently, and for some people “doing something about it” is what helps. 65 is far too young to die. It’s very unfair. I think perhaps your cousins feel they need to do something proactive about it. It’s not an unreasonable response. It is insensitive of them not to have checked with you first, but I think it is well intentioned. Mute them on FB until after the run, and if anyone asks just say that you appreciate they’re trying to do a nice thing but you’re finding it a bit hard at the moment.

My DM died of cancer - decades ago, before social media. I understand why you feel as you do. I’m sitting here thinking how I would feel if I opened up social media and kept seeing posts of my mum with requests to donate. Like you, I’m not sure why I think it’s wrong, but it feels wrong to me.

Could it be that losing your parents feels like it should stay private and personal, and advertising on Facebook how they died and who they are running for feels wrong somehow?
I know I'm very private with info like that. I'd be annoyed if other relatives were advertising what has happened and raising money in my parents name showing it all over Facebook. I doubt I'd say anything, but I'd probably mute them for a while.

Why should the OP engage with it? I hate being sent links to sponsored this that and the other. I donate to MY preferred charities quietly and without fuss. It makes me irritated when there is this assumption that you should donate. Plus this is the OPs grief. It’s the OPs mum. The cousins didn’t even think to tell her. I actually think that’s pretty insensitive.

No, but you've made your feelings clear by not donating or talking to them about it.
Perhaps you just feel she was your special person, your Mum and it was cheeky of them to butt in on her death, albeit pro actively and generously.
Emotions are weird things often inexplicable. Very sorry for your loss OP.