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Original poster

To think it's ridiculous to fall out over a Facebook post ?

161 replies

Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 12:52

I posted on here yesterday as my mom and I had an argument on the last day of our holiday. It basically ended with me saying, apologise for your part in this argument (that she started) or I'm done with you both. As a result I said she will miss out on her granddaughter growing up. This was really not nice of me to say, but she was giving me the silent treatment and acting like a kid so I said whatever I could to get a reaction. She had been goading me all afternoon.

My mom has a real issue with admitting when she's in the wrong and is as stubborn as mule. I'm 33 with a 5 month old little girl and my parents and I have always been close, but my mom can be needy and a bit emotionally controlling. I don't think I need to go into that here, I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am.

So after this argument we travelled back from holiday not talking, and the day afterwards I put my usual holiday Facebook post with a few snaps. There were none of my parents (my mom refuses to be in photos 90% of the time and obviously they were all of my precious baby on her first holiday!) and I didn't tag anyone in the post, not even my husband.
I texted her the same morning to apologise for my part in the argument and the nasty things I said, but asked if she could accept that she started it over nothing. She could not, and she said "agree to disagree". I reluctantly agreed. I'm fully aware that if I hadn't have made the first move, she wouldn't not have messaged me. Later on in the day, she texts me to say that she "hurt" because I didn't mention in my post that she and my dad were on holiday with us. My post was "lovely holiday with my little family". I explained we weren't talking at the time I posted, plus I haven't tagged anyone and there's no pictures of them to tag. She ignored that message and now we aren't talking. I actually feel a bit more relaxed now I'm having a break from her if I'm honest but I'm sad it's ended this way and don't see a way back.

AIBU to think it's pathetic for my mom to abandon myself and her granddaughter for the sake of a Facebook post?

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BlondeAussie · 21/09/2024 09:42

Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 12:58

No, I posted about the initial argument (see first line of post)

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I've just read your previous post and much of the content is the same.

Either way, as you've acknowledged: "I said some really awful things and lost all self control", it's probably unreasonable to hold out for her to acknowledge "she had started this argument over nothing", as regardless of how it started, it ended badly on all sides.

Findinganewme · 19/09/2024 15:29

Sounds to me that you and your mother are quite alike. It’s sad, that you’d provoke and hurt each other in this unnecessary way. I think it’s clear that you know that your Facebook post was insensitive.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 19/09/2024 14:57

Your relationship sounds very toxic.
Maybe time to go NC and break the cycle before your daughter gets old enough to understand what's going on

amyds2104 · 19/09/2024 09:43

What I couldn’t get past was you send your mum a text to “apologise” then made a dig about her starting the argument. That’s not an apology. That’s carrying the argument on.

Swiftie1878 · 19/09/2024 08:39

Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 19:01

You need to grow up to think I'd come on Mumsnet and lie to a bunch or strangers. I didn't mean it bitchy. Period.

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I think you’ve become a little defensive in this thread, but I understand why when people are being so blunt about their take on things.
Just so you know, I’m genuinely trying to be helpful here.

You are in the wrong here.
Your mum hasn’t helped matters, but you are the biggest offender.

You started the argument on holiday by being unkind about their dog. What you said may have been the absolute truth, and you may not have meant what you said unkindly, but it was unkind.
Your mum’s reaction wasn’t great. She is clearly feeling that she’s not good enough, or even just ‘enough’ for you anymore. She feels threatened by your ILs, and inferior to them (they speak ‘nicely’ etc). It’s silly, and it was a childish response to your comments about not holidaying with their dog in future, but you should understand that it’s coming from a sad place.
Your threat to keep them out of your daughter’s life was ATROCIOUS, and you know that, so whilst I won’t labour the point you need to know that this is what puts you squarely in the ‘wrong’ camp.

Your FB post before you reached out to your mum was hurtful, and despite all your denials you must have known the message it was sending - my LITTLE family was definitely excluding your parents, and even if you persist with the ‘it was done innocently’ line, it didn’t LAND innocently. It landed as a deliberate lash out.

You have a choice to make.
If you want to mend things, you need to give your parents an unequivocal apology for your behaviour at the end of the holiday and since you’ve been back. By unequivocal, I mean you accept full responsibility and expect no apology in return for their behaviour. If it comes, it comes, but if it doesn’t you accept that and move on understanding that your worse behaviour was the trigger.
Ask for forgiveness and a clean slate.
And don’t ever use your child as a weapon again. Ever.

If you feel that your relationship with your parents is too stressful and you’d prefer not to have to see/deal with them, then at least explain that to them, calmly, perhaps in a letter.
No-one can force you to stay in a relationship with them if it is damaging your MH.
But… realise what you will be losing, not just for you but for your little girl and your family unit. It’s a huge thing to surrender if it’s unnecessary to do so to protect your own sanity.

Good luck, and please, calm yourself down and be kind.

SpiderPlanter · 16/09/2024 08:30

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Yes, don’t leave your child with her in these circumstances.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 16/09/2024 07:45

Why post holiday photos on “Face book” ?

ChocoChocoLatte · 16/09/2024 07:39

Poor poor bairn in all this frankly. You sound as petty and controlling as each other.

Demonhunter · 15/09/2024 20:28

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Careful, tomorrow's daily post will be about this interaction 😂

Excited The Goldbergs GIF by HULU
thatlastonereally · 15/09/2024 20:14

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Original poster
Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 20:11

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Yeah if you find it depressing, how do you think I find it?

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Original poster
Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 20:11

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 15/09/2024 20:00

You can't use mental health issues as an excuse for being unkind that's behaviour!

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Where have I used it as an excuse for my behaviour? I said that's the reason I put another post up. I was asked why I posted again. I said that it's because part of my condition is to question everything I do/say. It has nothing to do with the argument and I haven't blamed my mental health issues for anything.

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alldaybreakfastclub · 15/09/2024 20:09

Goodness me, your responses are shocking.
You sound like a hellish bunch.
What a fuss, grow up.

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 15/09/2024 20:00

Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 19:10

I came on here for genuine perspective. More detail added to original post. Original post 86% of people said I wasn't unreasonable. I had doubts about myself because I have OCD and PND so question everything I do and say. So I reposted framing in a different light and more in depth about the latest issue.

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You can't use mental health issues as an excuse for being unkind that's behaviour!

Berlinlover · 15/09/2024 19:58

You both sound as bad as each other, no doubt your daughter will grow up and behave the same way.

thatlastonereally · 15/09/2024 19:33

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Original poster
Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 19:30

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It is safe, if she makes it so. But the way she is behaving at the moment I'm really not sure she will even listen to my requests now. I don't even know why I'm indulging you tbh. Don't you have anything better to do?

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NotDonna · 15/09/2024 19:27

allatseawiththis · 15/09/2024 13:35

Completely agree with this ☝️ OP, have you had any counselling to talk about/work on your own emotional responses, and where they might stem from (i.e. the behaviour modelled by your mum growing up)?

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This is sound advice @Doggomom91 i have a toxic mother and it’s difficult to navigate. Don’t stoop to her level. Taking some time away and seeing her in small doses not very frequently really helps.

thatlastonereally · 15/09/2024 19:25

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frannygallops · 15/09/2024 19:25

You all sound about five months old. Posting a goady thread on Facebook and acting all surprised when it upsets your DM. Honestly you all sound as bad as each other and your child is in the middle of this drama

thatlastonereally · 15/09/2024 19:25

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thatlastonereally · 15/09/2024 19:23

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Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 19:20

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thatlastonereally · 15/09/2024 19:16

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Original poster
Doggomom91 · 15/09/2024 19:12

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I don't...I'm on mat leave. She's never had her even for an hour. She wants to have her full time but I want to split it between the two of them.

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