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AIBU?

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Original poster

The summoning...

85 replies

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 09:58

This thread is about my brother.

I obviously don't think IABU because I have made this decision but I am curious to know if anyone else sees his perspective. Because I just can't.

My brother has, I feel, some funny ideas at times and very high expectations of family at times. His heart is often in the right place but he gets upset if he feels 'rejected' or that people aren't acting in the best interests of the family (he determines the best interests)

This is the latest.

My daughter is moving to university 2 weeks today. On the Saturday, we are doing a food shop and going out in the evening. I have been clear for weeks that I want packing to be done by then before a 2 and a half hour drive each way on the Sunday. I want it to be calm and peaceful and for us (me, my partner, her and her brother) to enjoy it.

My brother is moving house shortly afterwards.

I'm a teacher and work full time. So have little time outside work to get stuff done because I'm knackered/working in the evenings.

So. We have had plans for the last two weekends and for next weekend to go shopping for university stuff and essentials and to pack.

My daughter has a pt job which has become full time (and beyond!) since finishing her A Levels and usually works evenings so evening time to do stuff is limited anyway.

Yesterday, my brother issued a summoning (we affectionately refer to his invitations as this because there isn't really an option to refuse in his eyes) for us all to go over to his for the whole weekend next weekend (including a mandatory sleepover) so that his daughter (12) can enjoy one of her last weekends in her childhood home surrounded by her family and her memories.

My children (26 and 18) think this is bonkers and have never heard of such a thing. My daughter wants to spend the last full weekend at home packing and seeing her friends before moving away. His plans/expectations don't really allow for the compromise of a 2 hour visit and, even if they did, it would be something that we'd have to juggle to make time for in our existing plans. In an already busy weekend in whicn I'd also have to find time to work. And none of us want to go.

I don't have the capacity to shop and pack in the evenings to facilitate this so the weekends it is.

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

So. This is part incredulous grumble and part does anyone think my brother is right/has a point because I can't see it.

OP posts:
greencheetah · 15/09/2024 10:17

Let him be cross. So what?

He sounds like a bully.

offyoujollywelltrot · 15/09/2024 10:17

Bloody hell was a massive baby.

Let him fume to himself.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:15

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:09

Is it at all possible to have an open conversation to him about it? Along the lines of what makes a good family experience is having everyone's views respected and compromising. Because otherwise he is achieving the exact opposite outcome from what he is aiming for.
Obviously, not right now but when the dust settles.

Show quote history

I'm going to have to after this time.

It's usually just a case of being a bit inconvenient/short notice/inflexible or a bit irritating it's always on his terms.

But I'm actually a bit pissed off this time that he's completely disregarded what my daughter has going on and the very valid reasons we've said no because it's not the outcome he wants for his daughter.

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 15/09/2024 10:12

Let him sulk like a giant baby, he'll get over it.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:12

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2024 10:05

He’s within his rights to ask but absolutely not to insist. He seems to have an old fashioned and very patriarchal sense of where the authority is in your family. What does he say if you say no?

That's a hard one to answer.

A combination of angry accusations about how no one cares about the family except for him and the silent treatment.

The problem is that we don't often see them. Plans are made and then cancelled (often at short notice) by him usually if his daighter has had a birthday party invitation or something.

But when he issues the summoning, he gets cross if people turn it down. Even if he then goes on to cancel it himself.

He's very generous. He takes my daughter away on holiday with them for a week every summer (travel/accommodation costs are the same but she's obviously an extra person to feed/entertain). But it feels like there are also strings when he does things like this.

OP posts:
Catza · 15/09/2024 10:09

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:04

No, I doubt she is.

We didn't have a good family experience growing up and he wants to do what he thinks other families do by being close and supportive.

But it's usually/always his daughter who is centred in it all (whether she wants it or not) and he doesn't consider that the rest of us have different needs and wants.

It's to fulfill a need he has and an image he has in his head

Show quote history

Is it at all possible to have an open conversation to him about it? Along the lines of what makes a good family experience is having everyone's views respected and compromising. Because otherwise he is achieving the exact opposite outcome from what he is aiming for.
Obviously, not right now but when the dust settles.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2024 10:05

He’s within his rights to ask but absolutely not to insist. He seems to have an old fashioned and very patriarchal sense of where the authority is in your family. What does he say if you say no?

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:04

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:02

Your brother not speaking to you seems like the best outcome. Of course he has no leg to stand on and I bet top dollar his 12 year old is not as keen on the idea as he is making her out to be.

No, I doubt she is.

We didn't have a good family experience growing up and he wants to do what he thinks other families do by being close and supportive.

But it's usually/always his daughter who is centred in it all (whether she wants it or not) and he doesn't consider that the rest of us have different needs and wants.

It's to fulfill a need he has and an image he has in his head

OP posts:
PlacidPenelope · 15/09/2024 10:02

No I don't think your brother has a point, he is being ridiculous.

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:02

Your brother not speaking to you seems like the best outcome. Of course he has no leg to stand on and I bet top dollar his 12 year old is not as keen on the idea as he is making her out to be.