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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The summoning...

85 replies

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 09:58

This thread is about my brother.

I obviously don't think IABU because I have made this decision but I am curious to know if anyone else sees his perspective. Because I just can't.

My brother has, I feel, some funny ideas at times and very high expectations of family at times. His heart is often in the right place but he gets upset if he feels 'rejected' or that people aren't acting in the best interests of the family (he determines the best interests)

This is the latest.

My daughter is moving to university 2 weeks today. On the Saturday, we are doing a food shop and going out in the evening. I have been clear for weeks that I want packing to be done by then before a 2 and a half hour drive each way on the Sunday. I want it to be calm and peaceful and for us (me, my partner, her and her brother) to enjoy it.

My brother is moving house shortly afterwards.

I'm a teacher and work full time. So have little time outside work to get stuff done because I'm knackered/working in the evenings.

So. We have had plans for the last two weekends and for next weekend to go shopping for university stuff and essentials and to pack.

My daughter has a pt job which has become full time (and beyond!) since finishing her A Levels and usually works evenings so evening time to do stuff is limited anyway.

Yesterday, my brother issued a summoning (we affectionately refer to his invitations as this because there isn't really an option to refuse in his eyes) for us all to go over to his for the whole weekend next weekend (including a mandatory sleepover) so that his daughter (12) can enjoy one of her last weekends in her childhood home surrounded by her family and her memories.

My children (26 and 18) think this is bonkers and have never heard of such a thing. My daughter wants to spend the last full weekend at home packing and seeing her friends before moving away. His plans/expectations don't really allow for the compromise of a 2 hour visit and, even if they did, it would be something that we'd have to juggle to make time for in our existing plans. In an already busy weekend in whicn I'd also have to find time to work. And none of us want to go.

I don't have the capacity to shop and pack in the evenings to facilitate this so the weekends it is.

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

So. This is part incredulous grumble and part does anyone think my brother is right/has a point because I can't see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:43

ThinWomansBrain · 15/09/2024 12:38

Entitled twat.
Your daughter has as much right to enjoy a weekend of preparation for going away to uni.
(although personally I'd order in on Amazon & get it delivered to wherever she is going to be.)

We're doing that for some stuff but it's what all her friends are doing with their mums right now so she wants to too.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 15/09/2024 12:43

🙄 who made him the boss?

Honestly, some people are off the scale entitled. Tell him that life doesn't revolve around him and his demands. What an absolute joke.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:41

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 12:34

Ok it just sounded a bit intense to me because she doesn't need her mum to go shopping.

But fair enough if that's what she wants.

Show quote history

She does want it and she can't really bring saucepans, plates and a duvet etc home on her own without a car. That's the sort of stuff we're buying.

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 15/09/2024 12:40

Who is the 2% calling you U???? Shock

And another one saying it's COMPLETELY normal to send your child off with a big shop

We do it every term

HappyDane · 15/09/2024 12:40

Yeah that's not intense at all. Most parents do similar to that, in my experience. We did, and we're not particularly intense.

It's really out of order for him to act this way. And I agree with pp, so what if he's cross? Leave him to it and go about your business.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:38

WildCherryBlossom · 15/09/2024 11:38

I don't think this is really about his DD. It's him needing to create family bonds / memories presumably as a response to whatever happened in your childhood.

It does sound annoying that he doesn't take your busy lives into consideration but I think the intention is sweet.

Try to have an honest chat.

The intention is sweet. Which is why we go along with it when we can. I said in my op that his heart is in the right place but his expectations are often unrealistic.

It's never an invitation for dinner or lunch and he rarely if ever accepts mine but always one of these whole weekend things which he imagines to he full of joy and laughter and 'making memories'.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 15/09/2024 12:38

Entitled twat.
Your daughter has as much right to enjoy a weekend of preparation for going away to uni.
(although personally I'd order in on Amazon & get it delivered to wherever she is going to be.)

TwinklyAmberOrca · 15/09/2024 12:34

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 10:50

Goodness, all of you sound very intense but particularly your brother.

If I were your daughter I'd be inclined to just pack my stuff and do a bit of shopping when I got there.

It all sounds pretty stifling.

The OP doesn't sound intense at all.

It's quite normal to have everything packed the day before then go and do a food shop for uni. It's a ritual and totally normal!

@WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole your brother sounds like a diva! You have your own plans and he can't expect people just to drop everything for him!

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 12:34

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:31

Well she needs a car to transport stuff and it's pretty usual to go shopping before university.

It's not intense from our end. We just don't have the luxury of time to do it had hoc so we've had to plan when she amd I wil be available at the same time. That's pretty normal.

Show quote history

Ok it just sounded a bit intense to me because she doesn't need her mum to go shopping.

But fair enough if that's what she wants.

HappyDane · 15/09/2024 12:34

No. Just no. This is utterly ridiculous on his behalf. He's trying to heal his own hurt through making things 'perfect' for his daughter which is understandable to an extent, but in the process he's being an obnoxious bully. You probably should call him out because otherwise you let him get away with crappy behaviours every time which just reinforces it, but I do understand why you don't want the hassle.

Families don't do this sort of thing. I mean maybe one or two here and there...but certainly not most of us! And I come from a very big family who all get along well - probably exactly the type he pictures in his head.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:33

MsMajeika · 15/09/2024 10:59

YA clearly NBU, but I wanted to ask if your brother could be on the spectrum. The reason I ask is that I am and I suffer from black and white thinking where I get an idea in my head and it's very difficult to shift or compromise. It's fine when it only depends on me, but when other people are expected to take part in my plan, obviously it's not great!

I now have the awareness to realise that it's my issue and privately get a little upset that it didn't work out but when I was younger I did used to spiral and think that it was confirmation that no one loved me! (I didn't have a great childhood).

I am. So it's possible!

The difference is that I, like you, have awareness. He doesn't.

I

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:31

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 10:50

Goodness, all of you sound very intense but particularly your brother.

If I were your daughter I'd be inclined to just pack my stuff and do a bit of shopping when I got there.

It all sounds pretty stifling.

Well she needs a car to transport stuff and it's pretty usual to go shopping before university.

It's not intense from our end. We just don't have the luxury of time to do it had hoc so we've had to plan when she amd I wil be available at the same time. That's pretty normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:29

EmeraldRoulette · 15/09/2024 10:43

This

you describe a lot of tiptoeing around him. Why do it?

Show quote history

Tbf, I don't call him out when he cancels at short notice because I don't see the point and it's not worth the aggro. It's just that this time he ls expecting me to prioritise what he imagines would he nice for his daighter over what is essential.for mine and can't see it.

We only go along with his summonings if it's convenient to do so. I'm quite happy to say no to him but there's usually not a good reason to do so and it is nice to see them (he's a good host and good company outside of these expectations!)

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:25

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2024 10:39

@WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole Has he actully discussed this with his wife/partner???? does she want to entertain for the whole weekend when she is on the verge of moving house??? is his house not mostly packed up already???? I would be working with minimum mugs, plates, pots etc by this stage if I was moving! certainly, excess bed linen would all be packed away for the move!

I have no idea!

Hell have discussed it with her, yes but, as for the rest of it - who knows!

OP posts:
MabelMora · 15/09/2024 11:44

I wouldn't even waste time analysing it or trying to discuss it at a later point. You say you're busy so can't make it and that's the end of it. Who can be bothered with all that shit?! If he wants to cut his nose off to spite his face then let him get on with it.

WildCherryBlossom · 15/09/2024 11:38

I don't think this is really about his DD. It's him needing to create family bonds / memories presumably as a response to whatever happened in your childhood.

It does sound annoying that he doesn't take your busy lives into consideration but I think the intention is sweet.

Try to have an honest chat.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2024 11:27

This is just so weird. Ask him why his DDs experience and needs outweighs your own.

itsgettingweird · 15/09/2024 11:25

I'd ask him why his DDs last weekend in her family home outweighs your DDs last weekend before moving away from home.

I often find putting the ball in the court of difficult people works. But only works with people who want the world to revolve around them but don't actually want to admit that out loud and use PA techniques like ignoring and copping!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/09/2024 11:22

I’m afraid I agree you need to have a firm conversation about how he is just trying to take from family and not give - that your daughter is going through a much bigger life change, moving away from living with her family, not seeing her friends for months at a time - and he hasn’t given any thought or support about that.

his focus on the much smaller life change his dd is going through is actually selfish. Get mad back. You are disappointed in him.

Oldfatandfrumpy · 15/09/2024 11:14

He sounds insufferable tbh. No he doesn't have a point, and is a massive hypocrite- you are expected to prioritise his family 'experience' over the needs of your family

MsMajeika · 15/09/2024 10:59

YA clearly NBU, but I wanted to ask if your brother could be on the spectrum. The reason I ask is that I am and I suffer from black and white thinking where I get an idea in my head and it's very difficult to shift or compromise. It's fine when it only depends on me, but when other people are expected to take part in my plan, obviously it's not great!

I now have the awareness to realise that it's my issue and privately get a little upset that it didn't work out but when I was younger I did used to spiral and think that it was confirmation that no one loved me! (I didn't have a great childhood).

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 10:50

Goodness, all of you sound very intense but particularly your brother.

If I were your daughter I'd be inclined to just pack my stuff and do a bit of shopping when I got there.

It all sounds pretty stifling.

LittleGreenDragons · 15/09/2024 10:45

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

But he is spoiling YOUR daughter's experience. He can't complain if he is doing the same as you. Let him continue with the no speaking - you can guarantee that the day before he moves you will suddenly be his BFF 😉

EmeraldRoulette · 15/09/2024 10:43

greencheetah · 15/09/2024 10:17

Let him be cross. So what?

He sounds like a bully.

This

you describe a lot of tiptoeing around him. Why do it?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2024 10:39

@WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole Has he actully discussed this with his wife/partner???? does she want to entertain for the whole weekend when she is on the verge of moving house??? is his house not mostly packed up already???? I would be working with minimum mugs, plates, pots etc by this stage if I was moving! certainly, excess bed linen would all be packed away for the move!