How to accept I will simply never get along with in laws?

Yanbu

I used to subscribe to the MN thing of he deals with his family you deal with yours.

once I had my 2nd i couldn’t be doing with her bullshit or my DHs slow diplomacy
now I go for “say what you see”
I just say it and if they don’t like it - so what…

my mil never NEVER thanks me. I always get DH to intercede and she thanks him or it’s ignored.

I did her a huge favour which she made out was time sensitive and then wasn’t and then never thanked me just said “oh x is nice!”
so i told her in black and white… that “that was a nice meal” or “the show was good” isn’t thank you. And i find it rude that she doesn’t say thank you and if she wants me to do things for her and for things to be more cordial.. maybe try it…

all hell and histrionics broke lose.
i was a broken record
she now says it pointedly 😅
my chest is a tonne lighter.

There are a number of options.

You carry on as you are. You grin and bare the unpleasantness for the sake of ? What? Watch out though- if other family members have gone no contact, you will be the one expected to pick up the slack! Imagine when they need (want) to move in with you, or need (want) daily help with hygiene and feeding..... they are not going to get any nicer or suddenly turn into sweet old dears!

You can move away. Block their number and allow a short phone call a couple of times a month.

Just say what you need to say , officially fall out and go no contact.

While you decide, block their numbers , and don't allow any visits!

I think what many women do not realise is that men like this who stand by and tolerate their wives and children being treated poorly, criticised etc by their over bearing parents, are so damaged that they are actually unable to really love a wife or their own children.

They are so paralysed by fear that they will allow their relationships to be secondary to their parents demands.

I worked with a woman like this and after about 5 years of bullshit she had enough too.

She lost respect for her husband completely, but was a strong Catholic and didn't believe in divorce.

She had ignored red flags but was so grateful that she insisted they live near her family 40 minutes away from his parents.
A small mercy for sure.
She made it very clear to her husband that she would absent herself if they called to her home.

Her children grew to have little time for them and by the age of 10 were too busy with sports to visit at weekends.
She threw herself into her childrens activities as an escape and built her own life away from her husband with friends, sport, book clubs.
Her husband increasingly spent his weekends running after them as they grew older.
He is still at it.

There is no doubt it impacted his relationship with his children who are very close to their mother.
They live completely separate lives now their children have left home.
Clearly they should have divorced but some people really don't believe in it.

Her husbands two sisters have been very LC for years.

Think long and hard about your future OP, when it comes to caring duties.
Weak men get caught and catch their wives out if they are not very boundaried.

Lower your expectations and accept it for what it is. My MIL is awful and now I find her jabs almost funny because it's expected.

Why don’t you just tell him he’s a total wanker and roll your eyes back? You have nothing to lose!

Turn your phones off, mine is permanently on silent, I’m concerned it might ring in class so it’s constantly on mute. If someone needs me, I’ll get there soon, I check it regularly enough.

If you’re 99% non-contact, is the issue resolved?

I could never bite my tongue. I'm too outspoken. If I had a father /parents in law who moaned and complained and gave his opinion or said 'well, I still think.... ' I'd just say thank you for your opinion but I like my way better'.

As for telephoning at 8am, I'd put a stop to that and tell them no phone calls until after 11am unless it's an emergency cos you like your lie ins. And if they don't get the hint, then one weekend, I'd ring them at 5am and bring the kids round to see them at 6am. Then tell them you all want breakfast, full English, and feeding cos you're all hungry. Then tell them you're going out and tell them to hurry up. They'll be wanting rid of you then. Just turn it round on them.

I'm regularly in my PJs. I don't care. My house, my rules. If you don't like it, then don't come. That way you don't have to get annoyed.

Tell your DH what you're going to be doing from now onwards. Hopefully he will be on side with you. Just grow a backbone. Why are you so scared of them? So long as it's all polite then go have a dig at them. Works both ways. Call him out on his being rude (eyes rolling etc....) he'll be defensive then. He might even back down.

I've been in the same position op. The rudeness and sly criticism was infuriating and my dh constantly made excuses for them. Even when I was taken ill after a terrifying seizure. In laws rushed over (5 mins away) and while I was being stabilised in the ambulance when I started seizing again my fil said very loudly, in front of my terrified and upset dc,that I was just attention seeking. When a paramedic had a strong word with him he scuttled off. And my dh never did confront him about that. I lost a lot of respect for my dh for that.

I went very low contact, our dc slowly dropped any visits to only when absolutely necessary much to dh disappointment. They are adults now. They couldn't care less about their grandparents.

The fact is my dh has been conditioned to accept this behaviour from them all his life. Hes never in his life addressed anything that they've done to him. And he bends over backwards to please them, begging for a crumb of praise.

Fast forward and in-laws are frail. They initially expected ME to pickup a lot of care for them lol. But I refused. But now dh is there every single day, on top of a full time job. Caring, odd jobs, shopping, meds runs and any bloody daft mission his mum gives him. I hardly see him anymore. I'm called cruel and uncaring if I try to talk to dh about it, oh the irony.

Op I'd just get it all off your chest now. And set some boundaries for your dh right now.

I think you just need to be quite firm with them OP.

If they criticise the way you do something, just be firm "we prefer to do it like this" or "we're following the dr's advice" etc.

If the PILs continue to disagree or roll their eyes then something like: "we'll just have to agree to disagree then" or "did you just roll your eyes at me? I find that very rude".

If it's insistent ringing at 7am then you need to say "please don't ring repeatedly at this time of day. We've had a very busy week and we're having a lie in. Repeated ringing like this should only ever be done in an emergency. Otherwise, Please just ring once and leave a message and we will then call you back when we are available"

All said in a firm but fair tone.

Honestly I would go full on ballistic next time they pull this shit. It will be both cathartic and effective.

Exactly. What's the difference? Your husband is an embarrassment and you are a passenger in your own life. Good grief. Set a good example for your kids so they don't end up being doormats themselves.

Would "officially falling out" be any worse than what you've got now?

I can't see how.

Surely the best thing would be to officially fall out. Their behaviour is beyond awful. They have no redeeming features and your life would be so much better with no contact at all.

Go fully NC.

They add nothing positive to your life, and given that they have left your DH unable to voice his own opinion, you certainly don't want them doing the same to their dgcs.

No need.

I hear you OP
Had similar- but when you do stand up for yourself (cos your partner won’t ) then ILs get so offended and so hurt…

NC now and so much better, though they “can’t understand what we’ve done) !!
Partners are of course, free to see their families, with or without taking the children

Do it - it’s worth it

So officially fall out.

Or "it's nothing to do with you and your opinion is unwanted".

There is absolutely no way on earth I would put up with this shit in my own home, or anywhere else for that matter.

Block their numbers so they cannot harass you early on weekend mornings for a start. If anybody spoke to me like that in my home I would not be defending the reasons I'm doing things, I would tell them quite clearly to fuck off and mind their own business. If they cannot behave, then the visits have to stop.

I agree you have a DH problem here but he sounds utterly battered by them and sounds like he's been subjected to years of emotional abuse. I think my stance in that situation would be "enough" and I would go NC. They are bringing nothing to yours or your children's lives. You do not have to put up with this a moment longer. I'm so glad I'm single.

@Lovelyautumnwalks

Do we share the same in laws??!!

I lost my shit with Fil one day after years of trying to ignore his comments and arrogance.
He stood in my kitchen and made a shitty comment about something me and dh had done in the house.

I told him he was a rude arrogant twat and he needed to leave.
The minute you confront men like this they run a mile.
We didn't speak for 6 months this it was bliss.

He came to ours to see dh twice and on both occasions he blanked me in my own home and I kicked off at dh and told him to tell Fil he was now not allowed around at all as it's mine and dh house and I wouldn't tolerate it.

I also told dh that if he continued to put up with their behaviour that was on him but not in our home and not with me there or we would be done and I seriously meant it.

That was the jolt he needed to see that their behaviour was not normal or ok.

If they've been like it all his life op he will know no boundaries.

Anyway we don't see them a lot at all now and as times gone on dh is fully aware of how shit their behaviour was and wouldn't ever tolerate it now.