If you're sharing the cost of the meal there's certain things you don't go for

I hate even splits. It makes me order something cheaper usually as I don't want to be a CF.

I much prefer to pay for what i order.

One of my uncles had form for always choosing the expensive red wine and the lobster then saying airily 'Oh we'll split'. It made me think less of him than i already did tbh.

I've just went and looked at the menu of the local spoons online and firstly the mixed grill is on the same menu as the curries and burgers, it's just under a different heading. So I went and checked the harvester menu, same thing. The menu is divided into sections.

Secondly, prices. Spoons the mixed grill is barely a few more quid than anything else on the menu. Harvester I understand more your annoyance as the ultimate mixed grill is £10 more expensive than a burger (for example) but there's lots of things that are of a similar price so it's not necessarily the most expensive thing on the menu. There is no unwritten rule though, it's not like he's asking them to make something off the menu that costs triple what everyone else is having. He's ordering off the normal main menu.

I'm going to put this down to you not liking your bil, I think maybe you'd be better off posting a thread about his treatment of your sister instead of quibbling restaurant bills.

Basically, if you have an expensive order (food or wine) you say, first, that you'll contribute more to the bill. It's mean and selfish not to contribute.

I completely agree. I hate splitting the bill exactly. (So for 6 of you, you pay 1/6 of the bill,) because I eat quite a bit less than other people when I go out for a meal. I will sometimes only have a starter and a dessert.

I'm not a 'teeny tiny' by the way. 😆 I'm just somebody who's always had to watch my weight, and I have spent half my adult life on a diet. So I sometimes don't eat a lot. And I would only pay for what I have. I'm not subsidising somebody else eating 2 to 3 times more than me. They can pay for their own food!

😂

Yes and then spend the weekend afterwards inwardly seething some more and posting about it on the internet instead of saying something to my own family member!

OP appreciate you might just have been wanting to gauge reactions here but since everyone agrees that paying individually is fine, if this is your own family why don’t you have a word with them on the quiet and explain that this is pissing you off, without BIL there, get everyone agreed before the next passive aggressive spoons session lovely meal out?

Obviously. He should have just had the side salad instead. Better yet, don't invite him out next time.

I don’t agree that there is an unwritten rule. That’s weird. If you go out, you should order what you want.
if YOU don’t want to split the bill, then remove yourself from the scenario ‘I will just pay for my own as i didn’t drink/am on a budget/I prefer it etc’
i think this is more about you not liking your BIL though….

Consistently choosing a much more expensive meal and expecting everyone else to sub you is very cheeky IMO.

But equally unreasonable is to expect people to not order what they actually want in a restaurant and also to monitor it to such a degree.

The happy medium for me is for anyone who has 'spent' significantly more to throw in a bit extra to compensate. Same with drinkers/non drinkers. So I actually agree he is unreasonable if he does this a lot, but the whole situation does sound a bit joyless IMO.

I'd order what I want and pay accordingly.

The person ordering the expensive thing should put in a bit extra. Thats how the vast majority of people deal with it.

We had one cheeky fucked relative who would always order something super expensive - fanciest steak, expensive wine, always would have a starter & pudding when most had one or the other. Then he'd be the one to suggest splitting the bill.

I said on one occasion that we'd just pay our own rather than splitting as we hadn't had much and he actually said "but I wouldn't have ordered that if I'd known" and I laughed and said "don't be daft, that sounds like you ordered expensive stuff expecting everyone else to subsidise you..." as if he was joking. Funnily enough since then bills have never been split and he's never ordered as much.

If the difference is a couple of pounds each not worth the fallout. If there’s a significant difference (3 courses + alcohol v 2 courses + soft drinks) then suggest paying your own and the expensiver mealers split themselves. Heavily subsidising someone else will leave a bitter taste.

Is there? In your family? I wouldn’t say it’s a general rule. That said I’d I chosen something really expensive I’d offer to put in more. Most of my friends would say don’t worry about it, but probably appreciate the gesture. In which case I’d put in a bit more of the tip?

Then you don't split the cost when eating out with that person. You just pay for yourself.

Glad most people say order what you want. I used to massively overthink what I ordered when out with others….now I order what I want and offer/insit to contribute more if my share is more expensive. The problem isn’t what BIL orders, it’s that he’s not paying for it!

It's a bit tricky really, most people don't announce at the start how the bill is being split do they?

If I'm going out for a meal I want to order what I fancy, but if I had ordered something much more expensive and the bill was being split I'd throw extra in to cover it.

OPs family WhatsApp group: Hi all, it's Friday night again, shall we all go to the Harvester and secretly hate each other over jug of tap water like we do every week?

This is exactly why I point blank refuse to split the bill, too many people take the piss! Don't order the expensive stuff just because people are subsidising you!

Particularly when I've just had a soft drink and others have had several cocktails or like OP said about people ordering steak etc.

No.

I pay for my own, if other people want to split it that's fine, but I'll only pay for what I've ordered (plus tip if applicable)

I don't understand why people split the bill, surely it isn't much quicker or easier than just working out your share and paying accordingly? If I know someone else is paying I make sure not to choose the most expensive thing though.

This is an interesting one.
I think if it was a one off, and this person was normally generous, similar to everyone else in terms of spending, I’d think nothing of it. And also think, well they’re out for a meal, surely they can order what they want, it’s not their fault everyone else wants a cheaper meal.
However if it was the type of person who often skipped buying their round of drinks, was usually frugal and didn’t contribute to group things, and they had form for this sort of thing, then I’d be a bit niggled that they didn’t say “oh my main was way more than everyone else’s, I’ll chuck in an extra tenner!”

But to be honest, to avoid anything like this, my friends and I ALWAYS just pay for our own. Usually one person pays for the meal and then puts a pic of the bill on our WhatsApp group and the next day, everyone works out what they owe and sends it, and we’ve never had an issue doing it this way. Everyone is honest and sends exactly what they owe, no one ends up out of picket, and it saves us all spending ages poring over the bill in the restaurant, working out who owes what.

Just don't split the bill, pay for what you've had, problem solved. I don't eat meat or dairy and rarely drink, and there's not often there's a dessert option I can have, so I don't do bill splitting ever, and most people have their own reasons for not splitting the bill. It's really not a big deal.

I think people are saying you shouldn't split because they are imagining a £10 or £20 difference. But it is less than a fiver

Exactly.
I swiftly stopped inviting these people to group meals once I had the measure of them

I like the system at places like wagamama where you can all pay online and you can see how much each person has paid so each person just pays their full share.

I would never want someone else to subsidise my meal cost, it's horrifying behaviour.

That’s fine if you have money to throw around but I’m not paying for someone else’s lobster and champagne. I used to but I don’t do stuff like that anymore. Like a lot of people, eating out is an expensive luxury for me now, I can’t subsidise someone else’s expensive eating choices, no matter how much I might enjoy their company.

Interesting that your friends who ordered the wagyu didn’t feel guilt over you paying for that but someone not wanting to is the bad guy.

There’s no rule about not ordering expensive things - people should have what they want.

HOWEVER…

Split it if it’s roughly the same.

If one person has had lobster or expensive cocktails, for example, they should say “I’ll pay £x more because I chose expensive options”.

Or if there’s been someone not drinking alcohol and everyone else had shared wine, the others should say ”you pay less Sarah as we’ve all had drinks”. That’s how it has always worked when I’ve eaten out with various groups.

My BIL always orders the most expensive thing on the menu, and I'm convinced it's not about wanting it it's about a Bertie big bollocks. Caviar jacket potato with a lobster Thermidor being the worst one.

We haven't eaten out together for a long time.