If you're sharing the cost of the meal there's certain things you don't go for

The people who order the most expensive things tend to fall into two camps. Those who are choosing it because that's genuinely what they fancy and those who want to eat like Henry VIII at someone else's expense.

The first group put more in when the bill comes. The second - like the PP's SIL - will do everything they can to minimise the amount they have to cough up.

The OP's BIL falls into group two, ie the CFs.

If it were me, I’d say ‘I’m going to order the lobster but of course I’ll pay more when we split the bill.’ Because that’s just basic etiquette.

Same here.

OP, of course people should order what they like and are mixed grill and steak not on the main menu? They are wherever I go for a meal, alongside everything else such as grilled salmon, chicken or spare ribs. I've never before given that a thought.

Don't quibble or else don't go out for a meal with friends.

I understand people now have an app which means each pays for their own. I've not seen that in action, only been told about it but, if it is simple to use, it sounds like a good idea at times and would be perfect for someone like you.

I don't agree that there is such a rule. You should order what you want. I'd have the right hump if I had to order something I didn't really want because other people were eating cheaply. Although I would pay extra. I do tend to drink a bit more than others, so I usually end up paying more anyway.

I don't think there is a "main bit" of the menu either. Going by the type of places you've mentioned, they're in categories.
I also don't think that a mixed grill from these places is going to add a significant amount to everyone else's bill either. Maybe a couple of quid.

Going forward, I would just insist on paying for your own food and the rest of the family can split between them. Surely it can't be any skin off their noses? If you're at Wetherspoons, tell them that you're ordering your food from the app. In other places, order yours and pay separately, order together and tell your waiter that you want a separate bill, or when the bill comes, pay your part off first with your card, and let them sort theirs out. Chip in for the tip afterwards.

I do suspect though that this wouldn't be as much of an issue if you actually liked your BIL!

He sounds like a total nutter.

Irrationally angry and “beady eye”. Blimey this does strike a nerve doesn’t it! 😂

How awful to say she should stay home though. Let them eat cake, much.

I would put in more if my meal was notably more expensive than others. Similarly if one or two of the group are not drinking and the rest are then we will split it proportionately between drinkers and non drinkers.

OP you either need to say you no longer want to split bills, or call him out on it

I don’t really drink so splitting bills is not something I ever do nowadays. Too many times in the past I paid towards copious bottles of wine when I was drinking lemonade. Neither would I be ordering the lobster or whatever. I think splitting the bill is not that common anymore is it (because if these issues?). If I did order something expensive I would certainly put more money in (but then that has to be weighed up against the wine I didn’t drink 🤦‍♀️).

God forbid anyone on a budget wanting to have a bit of a life and go out for a meal once in a while.

'Enjoying yourself' can include eating a meal you haven't cooked yourself, where you don't have to do the washing up and you can chat with friends and family in relaxed surroundings.

Or do you only 'enjoy yourself' when you know that someone with less disposable income than you is paying towards the cost of your meal?

People should order what they want to eat.

I went out with 3 friends last week. 2 of them ordered wagyu steaks as a main plus starters and sides I just had a starter and 2 veggie side dishes because I'm not a big eater. I didn't expect them to go for smaller, less expensive dishes to accommodate my smaller appetite.

we divvied the bill up 25% each. IMO when you go out for a meal you are chipping in for your share of the experience rather than trying to price match every bite and sip.

Love this subject. Tells us so much about people, a lot more than their words. Split the bill? Years ago, fresh after uni, I had no idea. Delighted I was hired, spent some time (once every 3 months, several years) travelling with my immediate boss, a male partner. Breakfast was included, lunch was at work but in the evenings we always went out for a meal. I was so eager to show I am a grown-up that when the bill came, I was so happy to split it - half way. He was a lot older. I was a bit nervous for a while, in awe of him and could not even finish my main with nervousness, so was very surprised when he said 'do you mind if I finish it'? And he regularly did. I was on 1/20th of his salary and surprised. Plus he was a partner, I was salaried. I mean, he would finish off my half-eaten fish, literally the one I was poking with my fork, etc. Over time I relaxed a bit and started ordering (sometimes) a starter too. He would ask 'are you going to finish it'? And I felt I had to say 'no', and he invariably finished it. So eventually we settled into a pattern where he would eat most of my main and starter, have alcohol and we would split the bill. The funniest bit was when we were in Europe and went to a famous seafood place for dinner, where I realised he expected me to share a starter with him at something like £120 for two, £70 for one - 20 years ago!!!!). When I said I did not like seafood and would order a different starter, he flipped, literally flipped. When I said 'what is the problem, order what you like (remember, I always halved the bill), he said 'this is too much and I hate food waste'. I realised, years later, that it was not about the amount of food - he wanted me to order this starter and not touch it, as usual, and to eat it all by himself. After a while the novelty wore off and I realised that I can't afford to pay £150 for nothing and started ordering a pasta and finishing it off (to minimise the bill, we still halved the bill). The scolding that ensued! I was accused of eating harmful carbs which were rubbish for me! I went to a different company afterwards, but looking back at this experience, I laugh. The man was originally so much richer than me, plus on a different plane salary-wise.

Acknowledged but her financial circumstances are not her BIL's problem, if she is financially struggling, perhaps she should stay home or ask for a separate bill. I think I would be irrationally angry if I went for a lovely group dinner with family and my SIL was keeping a beady eye on what I ordered. No point in going out if you purposely order the cheapest item on the menu-unless it's the item you want of course!

I think this is unfair tbh. We don’t know what OP’s financial circumstances are.

Absolutely. I’d much prefer to pay for myself and order precisely what I want.

There is no unwritten role to say you can only order cheap things if eating out with others and splitting the bill. I'd hate to be lookin at lovely things on a menu and have to order something I didn't really want just so the cost was equal - that's a waste of my money really, ordering something I don't want. That said, whoever orders more expensive things should absolutely chip in more, that is definitely a rule!

For me it's usually as simple as 'I'll put in '£45 and you guys just do £35 because I had a steak', or whatever.

This. It’s a shared experience and it’s meant to be fun. How miserable to fume over a few quid

Luckily I don't eat out with anyone like that so not an issue for me!

Surely you’re paying for the whole experience rather than nit picking over who is having what and at what cost. When we all go out no one minds or judges what anyone else is having, then we split the bill equally

I don't agree there's any unwritten rule about what you order. I'll generally follow what others do around starters or pudding but if I want the steak then I'll have it.

@alpacachino you have options here.
You can continue to seethe about your BIL and his menu choices and do nothing.

You can ask to pay for what you've had.

You can ask your BIL to chip in more.

You can stop going out with them.

Would expect someone having a meal that is half the price to split equally with you?

I probably could if it was someone I didn't like😊

Honestly with how easy it is to transfer money etc online now, we all find it better now for one person just to pay on the night, take a pic of the receipt, then share it in Whatsapp with a link to pay and everyone just pays for what they have in the days following.

@Spoink are you crazy! There are families on here where this would easily end in 200 WhatsApp messages and someone eventually going NC because their niece had left the chat without paying and was seen having a Frappuccino the day after! Much better to sort it on the day by just paying what you owe.

Although on the other hand this would probably result in no further meals out which might be a good thing from the OP’s perspective here!

True, but you could pay for it yourself? I doubt many people care what others order unless they are subsidising over the odds for it.

Guessing you must all put in cash to pay, as it is?

Why don’t you say next time you haven’t got cash (I never have anyway) so can they take yours and your OH separately? Then going forward, that worked well for us so we’ll stick to that in future..

I have lunch a couple of times a month with some friends. We just pay our own, by debit card - venue is really happy to split it out for us. It works out really well because you can have what you fancy in terms of drinks and food without overthinking it.