To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

Glad you won’t have to be waiting much longer OP, and really hope the news is good. I must admit I was worried that the group chat would give something away if you and your DH were the only ones not taking part. The fact that almost everyone else has dropped out could be concerning.

I say this gently but are you sure your DH is in the right place mentally to make this decision ? The stress must be almost unbearable and could be affecting his ability to think clearly. I’ve just posted to the effect that I’m not sure he’s entitled to make a decision like this unilaterally, given the potential consequences for you if the worst should happen. Perhaps you could remind him that he’s putting you in an impossible situation and suggest that both he and you would benefit from MiL’s input and support right now, given that there is so little of either coming from anyone else in your family.

Glad to hear test should finally be happening today and I really hope you get best possible news from that.
It’s so rotten to discover some family & friends don’t step up in the way you’d expect/the way you would for them. I’m sorry that’s happened to you and I hope there is at least someone who will be a bit better a support over the coming days.

No, I said I’m not sure that DH is entitled to make a unilateral decision, given that it could have repercussions on OP if the worst happened. It’s not simply a question of who has access to their medical information, it’s a moral question, because should he pass away he’s leaving OP to deal with the fallout from MiL on top of her own devastating grief and that of her children. I think if it were me, I would perhaps leave the decision to OP and then any consequences would be as a result of her own decision, not mine. It’s a difficult situation and I suppose no-one really knows what they would do until they’re actually in that situation. This is just my take on things - OP knows her partner and knows her MiL so obviously is in a position to judge and act accordingly.

How long is it before your MIL gets home? I'd speak with your husband asking how he would feel if it were his Mum who were poorly & he wasn't told. I'd probably not want to spoil the holiday in that situation too , however, as a Mum I'd definitely want to know if it were my Son. If you wait on the results then decide from there if you feel MIL should know ask your husband again what his thoughts are about letting her know. Fingers crossed for you that the tests show it's not bad news.

Hope the test goes well and whatever it is is benign, op. I can understand why you're so frustrated and upset with the lack of support from friends/ family.

Not that it matters much, ad you'll hopefully have your answer soon, but this is one of those lose-lose scenarios unfortunately. As a mother, I too would want to know and would be on the fastest plane home. But the reality is, it's not your mother it's your mil and your dh has been quite clear - and I understand that perspective too. If it was me in his situation, I'd say exactly the same.

Anyway, fingers crossed for a positive outcome for you all.

Be kind to yourself OP! Feeling stressed and shouting too much is totally normal in this situation; the great thing about kids is they forgive and forget very quickly. It’s a new day today. Fingers crossed for the tests later and that it turns out to be good news. Stay strong, you’ve got this xxxx

You really need to respect your husband's choice.

There is no diagnosis yet and not much your MIL could do beyond adding another stress person to the mix...

Let her enjoy her holiday.

Praying the test goes well OP. Good luck.

I think when your DH is hopefully better OP you could do with having a proper sit down conversation with him about how impossible you found this situation. I’m sure he has good reasons for not telling DMIL but the impact on you and the children has been huge.

OP please take the relaxed pace of the hospital doing tests to 'exclude' as a good sign

Good luck for the test today.

Go easy on yourself x

Leaving your DH to one side for a moment hmmwhat1, would your DMIL be a help or hindrance to you personally right now?

If you aren't getting the support that you need, and she could relieve some of that pressure, then don't feel bad about taking that in consideration when making your decision.

I'm getting the sense that you are surrounded by - no doubt well meaning - people who are vocal, but not necessarily helpful.

I often have these conversations with people in my clinical, professional capacity, and am not unfamiliar with the scenario of a wife run ragged trying to appease everyone else at the expense of her own needs. Your needs and your children's needs matter too. And just because your DH is sick, doesn't mean he can't be wrong.

@zingally how do you know she won't be any help. OP has said that DH would want her support if she was home, it is the holiday that is making things difficult. MIL may be a very stoical figure, good in a crisis. If we were in this situation my MIL would be a lot calmer than me!

I'd definitely follow your DH's lead on this. If he says don't call her, then you don't call her.

Plus, what would it realistically achieve? You'd just end up with a stressed, anxious older lady, abroad and trying to get home while upset and worried. Who is then going to be so wound up when she finally gets home, that she's not going to be any practical help to you anyway.

@wombat15 yes I completely get that, it's a really difficult situation.
I know DP is thinking about his mother's best interests, there is no doubt about that, but what if it is serious then what? I think his plan of thinking about her etc will unintentionally back fire and will end up causing her a lot of distress.
I think she would have been better off knowing in the first place just incase.
Yes a holiday would have been cut short but she can re book one another time which I'm sure would already have been her mindset anyway.
This of course is just my opinion.

What a difficult situation to be in on so many levels. I really do feel for you. Going along with your husband's wishes does feel like the right thing to do. He must feel powerless enough in that situation and this decision does at least give him some sense of control. I think if I was in that position I would keep discussing it to make sure he hasn't changed his mind, particularly as things evolve. But I would also be mindful of the stress it would put on my MIL to make the necessary arrangements to come home early - although, of course, that might be much more daunting for some than others. I hope things turn out well for you all.

If it isn't a serious diagnosis and OP tells her mother-in-law against her DH's wishes so she comes back from her holiday, her DH will be the one who is very angry with OP.

What a traumatic situation. OP, if you are still reading, I think for me it would come down to what my DH really wanted, taking into consideration that what he is saying he wants, might not be the same as what he really wants.

I would tell him I was calling his mum and see what his reaction is. That will tell you what you should do.

Wishing you all the best.

You are not sure that people are entitled to decide who does and doesn't know about their medical information?!

I will also join the tell DM side.
Reality is, the holiday memories that DH wanted her to enjoy so much will be tarnished if this is a serious diagnosis, as she will end up living in regret, wishing she never went on the damn holiday in the first place. I wouldn't want to put that potentially life long burden on her. I firmly believe she would rather be with her Son in his time of need.
I think upon returning. even if it isn't a serious diagnosis she will still be upset.
Time with family regardless of the outcome of this is more valuable than a 2 week holiday.

I’ve thought about this a lot since coming across the thread. I’m not sure that DH is entitled to make a unilateral decision which would have potentially serious consequences for OP. He’s putting her in an impossible situation should the worst happen - she would be dealing with her own grief and that of her children, and potentially dealing with MiL’s wrath at not being told her son was in a life threatening situation - especially if MiL could have got back in time had she known.

I think it would be far more sensible for DH to pass the responsibility for the decision either way to OP - at least that way any repercussions she faced would be the result of her own decision, and not one that was forced on her.

What a fucking awful post. He’s in a life threatening situation and his closest relative isn’t within striking distance if the worst happens. So far, he’s refusing to let his mum know he’s even in hospital. How exactly does that make him a mummy’s boy or a man child ?

I don’t think they’re talking in terms of months - rather days by the sound of it.

If it’s an aortic aneurysm, which is a distinct possibility from what OP has said, or even a previously undiagnosed cancer, depending on where it’s situated and how advanced, things could deteriorate very rapidly. I think the dilemma here seems to be that by the time they know to make the call, it may already be too late.