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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
BigStevie · 14/09/2024 21:00

It really is up to your DH. When is she due back?

Hedgerow2 · 14/09/2024 21:00

You say dh doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want to ruin her holiday. Not because he doesn't want her there.

As a mother I would absolutely 100% want to know and you absolutely should tell her.

So sorry - I hope you get good news.

BarbaraHoward · 14/09/2024 21:00

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 14/09/2024 20:42

Difficult.

If it was me I wouldn't tell my mother until she was home.

But

If it was my son I'd come home in a heartbeat.

Ultimately it is what he decides.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

ETA cross post!

Agree with this, it's a really tough one and my own preferences would depend on whether I was the parent or child.

Rightly or wrongly, I think the holiday would influence my thinking - I'd be more likely to tell her if it was a third short haul trip this year, but if it was a once in a lifetime trip that had been saved and planned for for years I wouldn't want to ruin it.

notacooldad · 14/09/2024 21:00

I would want mil to know.
However Dh has agency to decide what he wants.He has made his wishes known.
If he was being a bit wishy washy with his feelings I would be more forceful and say his mum must know but I would not go behind his back.

TheCultureHusks · 14/09/2024 20:59

QuiteAnEpicFailure · 14/09/2024 20:52

Maybe your DH actually doesn’t want his mother there at this time. Handling other people’s worry is quite stressful when you are already dealing with a lot.

Agreed. You HAVE to leave it up to him. This is very very personal to him and although they have a good relationship, it still may be that this is one of his red lines - he gets to choose how his own situation is managed

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:59

Trying to address some queries.

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

Thinking about what I would want as a mother, I'd be mortified if I didn't know.

She doesn't go abroad often but financially she could easily repeat a European holiday another time.

OP posts:
ratherbesurfing · 14/09/2024 20:59

Absolutely do not tell her. It’s up to him

saraclara · 14/09/2024 20:58

My lovely MIL wasn't out of the country, but my DH didn't tell her anything about his symptoms and tests until he had the confirmed results.

She was actually staying with us when he had the colostomy and was told that there was a tumour there that was almost certainly cancer. He didn't tell her until two weeks later when he'd had the full scan and had it confirmed by the oncologist.

I'd be the same. The last thing I'd want is a parent flying home and fussing and angsting. I need to have my head round stuff before I'm ready to share.

I'd be incandescent if my partner ignored my feelings on the matter.

GreatScroller · 14/09/2024 20:58

if It’s potentially as bad as you have said then absolutely call and contact her. I would say the same as your husband as I would try and be a martyr and not want any fuss and not think that my parents want to be there. I think by asking the question you know you should contact them.

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/09/2024 20:57

I told my parents I was in hospital when they were on holiday. I had been rushed in and had emergency surgery. But they didn't come home. Just messaged every day to make sure I was okay.

I'd want to know if my child was in hospital while on holiday.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/09/2024 20:57

It’s definitely your DH’s choice. BUT I would really try to persuade him to relent and tell her.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 14/09/2024 20:55

I would 100% for definite want to know. I'd never be able to look back on those holiday memories happily anyway.

Did you say he has siblings? I'm very surprised they haven't told her (I would respect my husband's wishes with regards to his parents in this situation, but I don't think I'd be able to keep something like this from my own parent).

Soonenough · 14/09/2024 20:55

I would not tell her. Unless she is gone for months . If he has a bad diagnosis she will be there for the important part . No need to cause distress a minute longer than necessary .

Lunde · 14/09/2024 20:55

YABU to share your DH's private medical information against his wishes. He needs to be able to trust you at the moment and not worry that you would go behind his back because you think you know better.

Colinfromaccounts · 14/09/2024 20:54

I would tell her if he does actually get the diagnosis

Bunnyhair · 14/09/2024 20:54

To put it very bluntly, is there even a remote chance he might die before or shortly after she returns? If there is, she needs to be told. Otherwise, it is his decision.

mynameiscalypso · 14/09/2024 20:53

It's your DH's choice.

YvonneBee · 14/09/2024 20:52

How would his poor mother feel if she got home too late to see him?

QuiteAnEpicFailure · 14/09/2024 20:52

Maybe your DH actually doesn’t want his mother there at this time. Handling other people’s worry is quite stressful when you are already dealing with a lot.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 14/09/2024 20:50

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:47

Those saying there's nothing she could do- I don't agree... Just being here and with him and part of the support would be enough...?

But that’s not what he wants.

If he wants her to be there for him he would say that.

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 14/09/2024 20:50

With death potentially imminent I would want to know and would be devastated if I missed time with my dc, of any age, because I was on holiday.

dothehokeycokey · 14/09/2024 20:50

I would tell my mil if it was my dh.

I have an adult son and I would million percent want to know and be on the next flight home.

As a mum the lioness comes out when it involves your children,adults or not

LaPalmaLlama · 14/09/2024 20:50

I would be fucking livid if I told DH not to tell my DM something and he did anyway. It’s up to him to decide.

StuckOnTheCeiling · 14/09/2024 20:50

She would want to know.

I realise you don’t want to go behind your husband’s back. I get that. But if it was me I would tell her.

spottedinthewilds · 14/09/2024 20:50

How long has she been away? When is she due back? Does she have many holidays?

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