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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 14/09/2024 21:14

I say call her but stress she is not to jump
On the next plane - she can call her son on the phone and give support that way

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:14

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 14/09/2024 21:11

When does your DH want to tell her?

If tests confirm the bad situation then at that point.

If tests suggest it's all benign, when she's back from holiday I guess.

OP posts:
Mischance · 14/09/2024 21:13

I do think it has to be his decision. He knows his Mum better, and being ill makes people feel impotent - let him have control over this.

I am sorry you are both going through such a terrible time.

CatMummyOf3 · 14/09/2024 21:12

dothehokeycokey · 14/09/2024 20:50

I would tell my mil if it was my dh.

I have an adult son and I would million percent want to know and be on the next flight home.

As a mum the lioness comes out when it involves your children,adults or not

This, 100%.

If it were my adult son I would absolutely want to be told. If I found out too late to get home I'm not sure I could forgive, regardless of what DS had requested.

NoraLuka · 14/09/2024 21:11

As a mum I’d want to know, as an adult child I wouldn’t want to ruin the holiday.

Could you turn it around and ask DH what he’d want if MIL was ill while he was on holiday? Maybe he’d agree to contact her if he thinks about it like that.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 14/09/2024 21:11

When does your DH want to tell her?

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:11

Thank you for the well wishes.

And to the PP who has basically said get a babysitter and visit him... great idea I hadn't thought of that 🙄

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 14/09/2024 21:10

Whatever happens with his mum, I just wanted to send you both my best wishes and that I hope things turn out benign x

Fhjiutwafhmbcff · 14/09/2024 21:09

Ask him how he'd feel if he was the one on holiday and his mother was suddenly ill.

Even if the outcome was good, would he be happy to find out afterwards and to know that his undisturbed holiday meant he was unable to support his mother in a horrible situation?

If your instinct as a mother is that you'd want to know and to return to a son in his situation, then tell him that too.

Knowing them both, how do you think MiL will feel if she finds this out after her holiday?
(You don't have to tell us, of course, but think about it.)

BigStevie · 14/09/2024 21:09

Are you saying he could die this week while she's away? (So sorry by the way, such an awful time for you both). Could you find a baby sitter to go and spend some time there each day?

saraclara · 14/09/2024 21:09

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

Then shouldn't you be reassuring him, rather than wanting to take an action that will immediately make him fear the worst (and show that you are assuming the worst?)

MimiSunshine · 14/09/2024 21:07

It sounds like he’s a bit scared of it all being much more real if his mum flies home from holiday.

id gently tell him that you are going to call her in the morning (having looked up suitable flights so when she inevitably says she needs to figure getting home that issue had options) and that if it was your children he’d want to be there for them so he needs to let you call her.

its sort of giving him the final say but not really. I think he’ll be relieved that you make that decision for him.

saraclara · 14/09/2024 21:06

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:00

To reiterate my OP, I am not contacting DMIL. I'm only interested in others views.

DP wants her here and wants her support, had said 100 times how awful the timing is that she is away. He just doesn't want to cause a fuss.

Okay. How long is she away for?

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:05

Due back on Friday.

Have sought opinions of siblings which is the same and DHs. But, the cynic in me says if it were them in this situation they would not be so altruistic with regards to not ruining their DMs holiday (there is a back story that I'm not going to get into, as it's not relevant).

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 14/09/2024 21:05

If it’s because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss, and he otherwise gets on with his DM and values her support, then I would tell her.
(And he may be hoping you will - people who ‘don’t want to make a fuss’ often resent you later for not making a fuss on their behalf, IME).

I really hope it all turns out to be benign.

Overcover · 14/09/2024 21:05

Could you ask him what he'd expect to happen if it was one if your DC? I.e. would he be devastated not to be told or would he prefer to enjoy his holiday in ignorant bliss?

Peakypolly · 14/09/2024 21:05

I'm sorry hmmwhat1.
It must be such a worrying time for you.
You could probably do with some support as well, but as you rightly say, DH's decision.

Procrastinates · 14/09/2024 21:05

I agree with those saying I would want to know. I can't imagine enjoying a holiday and being left blissfully unaware that at the same time my child was seriously ill in hospital and there was a chance he might die but he thought I shouldn't know.

Londonrach1 · 14/09/2024 21:05

This is difficult...I understand your dh view and as a mum I'd want to know. Just hope your dh is ok x

cashmerecardigans · 14/09/2024 21:04

It sounds like he really wants her there. Maybe tell him that you are going to tell her, so she can decide what she wants to do?

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 14/09/2024 21:03

How long until she's due home?
If it's days I'd wait, if it's weeks I'd tell her.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 14/09/2024 21:03

Tell her, but get her to say she came home early coincidentally for another reason.

Edit: So he didn't ruin her holiday, but he gets her back to support him.

ClementineChurchill · 14/09/2024 21:02

Does he have siblings whose opinion you could ask?

when is she due back? Ie how long a wait?

Awrite · 14/09/2024 21:02

Tough one. Can you convince him that you need the support?

I really don't think dh would stop me telling his Mum. He would be able to work out that she'd want to know.

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:00

To reiterate my OP, I am not contacting DMIL. I'm only interested in others views.

DP wants her here and wants her support, had said 100 times how awful the timing is that she is away. He just doesn't want to cause a fuss.

OP posts: